Chapter Forty-Six:

I stretched and climbed out of bed. Last night was draining to say the least, but it wasn’t a bad one. I sauntered over to my desk and pulled out some of my sketches from last night. I looked over at my alarm clock. I’ve still got awhile to kill before I have to get ready for school. I started finishing my work.

After I finished, I looked at the clock again. I still have twenty minutes before I need to be in the shower. What to do? I pulled my journal over towards me and switched on my iPod.

I tear my heart open – I sew myself shut.
My weakness is I care too much.
The scars remind me that the past is real.
I tear my heart open just to feel.

I started to write, inspired by the lyrics.

I’m stuck in the land of never-ending what-ifs. I can’t move. I’m trapped. Every time I try to move forward, something is there to pull me back. It feels like my life is an everlasting labyrinth. I’m confused and weighed down. I’m trying so hard to be normal, that it feels like I’m trying to suppress part of myself. Everything I do feels wrong.

I push myself back up and fall back down harder. I survive what tried to kill me and I’m never the same. He tried so hard to break me and I wonder if he succeeded. I’m not the same person I was.

He wanted me, so he took me. I refused him, so he punished me. He wanted to feel my pain, so he hurt me.

I said no, and I was silenced. I fought back and I was beaten. I tried to be strong, but I wasn’t strong enough.

I found someone that made me happy and he tainted it. I tried to have a healthy relationship and he found a way to distort it. I tried to rise above it and I was pulled back down.

He’s gone now and he is still controlling my life. My body has his scars. My memories are a constant reminder of everything he’s done to me.

No matter how far I run, he’s in the back of my mind, haunting me. He had my mother and he made sure that he had me.

She died and left me to rot here. I wasn’t reason enough to keep her around, but I never was. I was a burden that she never wanted. I was around to clean up her mess because she couldn’t be bothered to. She left me with no one to care for me.

He’s polluted so many years of my life. He’s a toxin to everything good about me.

I can’t be normal. I can’t mother any children because I refused his. I can’t share my body with anyone because he destroyed that kind of intimacy for me.

I feel marked and used. People stare at me wherever I go, now. I’m the girl that was attacked. I’m the girl who had sex with her stepfather. I’m the girl who has been in the hospital. I’m the girl who was raped.

I put down my pen and mopped the tears off of my face with a tissue. I think that’s more than enough emotion for one day. I pushed myself out of the chair went into the bathroom. I peeled off my clothes and got into the shower. I stood under the hot water for a while without moving. I forced myself to wash myself.

I got ready in a daze. I put a little foundation on my face to cover up the worst of the bruising and a little eye makeup. I opted for a dress, today. They hurt a lot less than jeans. I put on a flowy, maxi number. It’s grey and teal. It twists at the neckline and has three-quarter length sleeves. It’s comfortable, and that’s what I was going for. I slipped on some flats and went downstairs.

“You okay?” Jace asked. I nodded. “Your eyes are pink.”

“I’m okay.” I told him. He nodded and push it. “I’m not really hungry this morning.”

“Coffee?” He offered me a mug. I nodded and took it out of his hands. “You look nice this morning.” He told me.

“Thank you.” I gave him a small smile.

“Ready for school?” He asked.

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” I replied. I grabbed my things and we headed out. The car ride was silent. I really don’t feel like talking. I feel like writing in my journal was all the serious talking I can take this morning.

We were at school sooner than I expected, but I was spacing out for the majority of the car ride. I miss driving. I hate having to rely on everyone else. It’s going to be a long while before I’m able to, again. I can’t drive with the meds in my system. And I’m really not supposed to drive with my fractured wrist, either. It feels like I’m taking forever and a day to heal and I hate it.

“Hey Angela,” Jimmy came up to my locker. I smiled and gave him a hug.

“How are you doing today?” I asked him. He gave me a small smile in return.

“This morning has been a lot better than last night, thanks. I’m sorry for unloading all of that on you. I know you have a lot going on.” He apologized.

“I really don’t mind. I think in a weird way, it helped me, too. It’s comforting to know that there are other people trying to get past their own shit piles in life. I’ve been so caught up in my own head; it’s been easy to forget that the world’s still going on around me. And, if I minded, I wouldn’t have stayed with you. Seriously, if you ever need to talk, or just not be alone, I’m here.” I told him.

“You don’t have to say that just because you’re dating Matt.” He told me.

“Matt has nothing to do with this. I’m telling you this as a friend. I’m here for you. Okay?” I clarified.

“I appreciate it.” He hugged me tentatively, again. I chuckled.

“Are we good?”

“We’re good.”

-.-

I was at our usual table when Brian came to sit with me. “How goes things?” He asked, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth.

“Things are alright.” I told him, plucking a few grapes off of my tray.

“Just alright?”

“They’ve been better.” I told him. He frowned.

“Anything new for me to read?” He asked. I nodded and motioned to my journal that laid waiting for him. He flipped to what I started to write earlier. He didn’t say much just read while he ate. When he finished he put it down and stared at me.

“I think it’s really good that you’re writing this stuff down.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because, even if you can’t talk about it, you’re still getting it out,” he answered. I nodded. “Can I see what you drew yesterday?” He asked. I shrugged.

“I doubt you’ll take no for an answer.” I pulled my sketchbook out of my back and forked it over. He flipped through a few pictures of Eric and his distorted face. I had forgotten about those. Drawing what happened… It helped me cope. It helped me feel like I wasn’t crazy. He started smiling when he saw the pictures of him and they guys.

“These are badass.” He breathed. “We could totally use these in the album art. They’re so life-like.” He grinned. “I’m a guitar god.”

“Thank you.” I smiled.

“Have you started to talk to anybody?” He asked me.

“Like a therapist?” I asked. He nodded.

“I’ve been once. I go back tomorrow.”

“I think you should let him look at these.” He gestured to both of my books. I shrugged. It’s not really something that I had thought about until he had said something.

“I’ll consider it.” I told him.

“Good.”

-.-

“Miss Summers, you look like you’re healing nicely, as well as can be expected. Are you still getting a lot of pain?” Dr. Sullivan asked me. I nodded.

“Not all of the time, but I’ve been trying not to overexert myself.” I told him.

“Good, good. Are you sleeping alright?” He asked me. I shrugged.

“I’m sleeping a little, but when I do I have nightmares.”

“Would you like a prescription for something to help with that?”

“Dreamless sleep?” I asked him. He pursed his lips.

“Yes.”

“If it doesn’t get better, can I take you up on that? I just don’t like not being in control of my body. It’s hard enough with the meds I take that already make me drowsy.” I explained.

“I understand. Don’t hesitate to come in or call if you need anything.”

“Thank you.”
-.-

I fidgeted while I waited for Matt to pick me up. My abdomen is killing me. I took a few of my non-drowsy pain-killers. They’re not as strong as the ones that put me to sleep, but I don’t want to fall asleep half-way through dinner.

The doorbell rang and I got up to get it. I saw Matt smiling.

“Hey Gorgeous,” he leaned in and kissed me. I set my hands on his chest and kissed him back. “Ready to go?” He asked.

“I’m ready.” I told him. He held my hand as I shut the door behind us. He helped me into the car and we were on our way. I didn’t really say much. “I’m sorry I’m not really talkative today.” I apologized.

“Don’t be. It’s fine.” He promised. “Rough day?”

“Rough morning,” I clarified. He nodded and flipped on the radio. The ride to his house was a short one. I saw Denise waiting for us on the porch. She waved excitedly and rushed over to greet us.

“I’m so glad you were able to make it. I’ve been hounding Matt about having you over. I wanted to see how you’re doing.” She smiled and pulled me into a hug.

“I’ve been healing alright. Mark says I’m on track.” I told her.

“I’m glad to hear it. I hope you like spaghetti.”

“I love it.” I smiled at her. She ushered us inside. Janice was already waiting at the table. We took our seats and started dishing out food. I took small portions. I’m not sure how much my stomach can handle right now. “It looks delicious.”

“Thank you. Janice made cupcakes for dessert.”

“They’re my favorite.”

“Mine, too.” Janice said in between bites of food.

“Are you worried about the trial Friday?” Denise asked me. I nodded. I really just wish people would stop asking me about it. I’m trying to forget about it. “I have a feeling that everything will work out, honey.” She gave my hand a squeeze.

“I really hope so.” I told her.

“It will.” Matt chimed in. I smiled at him. The rest of dinner flew by. We talked about school, life, plans after graduation. The cupcakes Janice made were delicious. Matt and I retired back to his room while the girls cleaned up. “Are you doing okay?” He asked me.

“I’m trying to be. I’m just worried. Everything’s just freaking me out, right now.” I told him.

“You just have to make it through Friday. Either way things go down, but the end of Friday night, it’ll all be over.” He told me. I nodded.

“You’re right. I’m just having trouble getting out of my own head.”I admitted.

“I think I can help with that.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?” I asked.

“Like this.” He pulled my face towards his and moved his lips tantalizingly slow against mine. I groaned and pressed my mouth harder against his. I don’t want slow. I want something I can really feel. I ran my tongue along his bottom lip, trying to get admittance to his mouth. His jaw dropped just enough to let me pass. My tongue danced with his. He let me take dominance. I tangled my hands in his hair and held his face molded to mine.

His hands raked my sides, careful not to hit anything painful. I pushed my chest closer to his. I just need to feel him against me. He moved his mouth off of mine and started leaving a trail of burning kisses along my neck. I groaned.

“Matt,” I rasped.

“Do you want me to stop?” He whispered.

“No, please don’t stop.” I gasped. That was all the encouragement he needed. He toyed with my neck and traveled to my ear. I shuddered against him. “The things you do to me…” I whispered. I felt him smile against me.

“I’m at your service.” He murmured, kissing along my jaw-line, back to my lips. It became heated, fast. We were in a full-blown, hot and heavy make-out session in no time. It seemed like we stayed that way forever.

Eventually we broke apart. “I should probably go home before it gets too late.” I told him. He rested his forehead against mine, trying to catch his breath. I know he can feel it, too. When we kiss, it’s electric. There’s nothing like it.

“Probably a good idea. I’m so hard for you.” He whispered. He moved my hand over his pants, so I could feel him. I didn’t say anything. “If you got any hotter, I wouldn’t be able to stay in the same room as you.” He smiled, helping me up. I blushed.

“If you say so,” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh, I do.”

Notes

Music Credit: "Scars" -- Papa Roach