Chapter Forty-Seven:

I stared at the ceiling. I have two hours before I need to be at my therapy appointment. I slept for shit. I’m so tired, but my mind won’t let me sleep. I’m so nervous for court tomorrow. I feel so nauseous. I got up and decided to shower. I got into the bathroom and stared at my reflection. I look just as bad as I feel. If my bags get any bigger, they’ll swallow up my face. I’m still covered in bruises and I look like I’ve been through the blender.

I stripped out of my pajamas and stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. I have no idea how long I stood there for.

“Angela?” Gwen asked from the doorway of my bathroom. “Are you okay, honey?” I stood in front of her, wrapped in my towel and shrugged. “Are you sure you’re okay to go see Alex today?” She asked me. I nodded. “Okay. I’ll make you some breakfast.” She left. It’s taking all of my focus and energy just to put my clothes on. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I feel like I can’t snap out of it.

I packed my journals and my sketchpads. Brian may have been onto something when he suggested it. I put my hair up in a bun and put on my undergarments. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt. I slipped on some shoes and grabbed my things. No makeup today, I don’t have the energy to deal with it. I went downstairs, slowly. Gwen’s waiting for me.

She handed me a plate of eggs and toast. I sat down and forced myself to eat what I could. I took my pain pills and sat at the table quietly until it was time to go. She keeps giving me worried looks. I can only imagine what she is thinking. I just can’t talk right now. I’m so scared. I don’t remember the time I felt this scared. This is worse than before I had to see Eric before he stabbed me. If tomorrow doesn’t go the way we’re hoping, then everything was for nothing. I went through everything for nothing! I don’t know if I can live like that.

I didn’t realize I was shaking until Gwen put a sweater on top of my shoulders. “Baby, are you sure you can handle therapy?” She whispered. I shrugged and looked up at her.

“Maybe it’ll help,” I rasped. She nodded.

“Let’s get going.” She helped me up. I followed her out the door. We didn’t say anything during the car ride. I can’t stop shaking. Why can’t I stop shaking?

-.-

“Good morning Angela,” Alex welcomed us as we walked into his office. I nodded, curtly. “How are you doing today?” He asked me.

“I’m here.” I told him. What else can I say? I don’t want to talk about this out here.

“Can I get you something to drink?” He offered. I shook my head. “Coffee?” He offered Gwen.

“That would be great, thank you.” She smiled.

“I’ll meet you inside, in just a moment.” He told me. I nodded and went into the room we talked in last time. I tried to get comfortable, but couldn’t. I’m so on edge. I grabbed a blanket and cover my legs with it and started at the door. I pulled out my phone to text Matt.

I don’t know if I can go through testifying tomorrow. I’m so scared, Matt.
-Angela

I pocketed my phone and jumped when it vibrated in my pocket.

Baby, you can do this. You’re so strong. He can’t control you anymore. It’s just one day that you have to get through.
-Matt

And what happens if he isn’t convicted? I don’t want to be scared anymore. I don’t want him to hurt me anymore.
-Angela

“Are you ready to talk?” Alex asked, closing the door. I looked up in surprise. I didn’t even notice him opening the door. I’ve got to get it together. He sat down and looked at me.

“That would be fine,” I told him. He frowned.

“How are you feeling today?”

“I’m scared.” I told him. He nodded. “I’m so scared. I feel like I’m frozen and I can’t do anything. How am I supposed to face him tomorrow?” I asked him, tears cascading down my face. I grabbed a box of tissues off of the coffee table and mopped my face. “I’m not supposed to fall apart. I’m supposed to keep it together.”

“Why are you supposed to keep it together?” Alex asked me. I couldn’t bring myself to face him. I hate crying, especially in front of someone I barely know.

“How am I supposed to testify without composure?” I deflected. He sighed.

“There’s only so much composure you can will yourself to have. He attacked you. How are you supposed to react? I think the shock of the trial is forcing you to deal with everything. I think you were avoiding what you could.” He offered. I wiped my eyes and glanced up at him.

“If he isn’t convicted tomorrow, he’ll be able to walk free.” I whispered. “He’ll be able to hurt me, again.” I flinched at how pathetic I sounded.

“Even if he doesn’t get convicted, I don’t see any possible way that he would be able to keep custody of you. He may be a man of stature, but he’s not the only powerful man you know. I honestly doubt any possibility of Eric walking out of court tomorrow without any repercussions. You have such a strong case against him.” He reassured me.

“I know that I’m psyching myself out, but it’s like… I can’t control it.” I confessed.

“It’s natural to be nervous.” He told me. I shrugged.

“I’m not really sure what is natural about all of this.”

“You need to have faith that things will work out. You can only control what you do. You can’t control anyone else. You have to accept that some things are beyond your control.”

“I’m trying to.” I told him.

“It’ll get easier, with time.” He assured me. I didn’t say anything. “What do you have in your bag, if you don’t mind me asking?” Of course he would notice it.

“I brought something to show you, actually.” I told him. I grabbed my bag and pulled out my journals and sketchbooks. I handled them over.

“Are you sure you’re alright with me looking at these?”

“I don’t see how it could hurt. I’ve only showed one other person.” I told him. He nodded and raised his eyebrows, questioningly. “My friend, Brian,” I admitted.

“Thank you for sharing these with me.” He murmured as he flipped through my journals. He didn’t say much just a lot of pensive facial expressions. We stayed this way for awhile. He’s a fast reader, but there’s a lot to read through. Finally, he put the books down and looked over at me. “How long have you been keeping these?” He asked me. I shrugged.

“I started writing everything down, since before my mother died. I didn’t bring all of them, but sometimes it’s my only outlet. I couldn’t stop those things from happening, but when I wrote it down, it helped me feel a little saner. It’s like it was proof that it was really happening. Even when I tried to block it out, it helped me remember.”

“I think it’s wise that you keep your life documented. I think it will prove to be an asset to you. They may even come in handy in court tomorrow.”

“I don’t think I could share that with a room full of people…” I hesitated.

“I’m not saying you’d have to, but it’s good to have things that will help back you up.”

“I understand.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about today?” He asked. I shook my head.

“I’d rather not, if it’s okay.”

“Of course, it’s always your choice. I wish you luck tomorrow, though I’m sure you won’t need it.” He smiled and got up. I got to my feet and folded the blanket. I put my things back in my bag and followed him out of the room. I’m not sure what he said or did, or how him reading the journals helped, but I feel much less jittery.

“Thank you, for listening.” I told him, before I found Gwen.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I want to help you.”

“Either way, I appreciate it.”

“Of course, same time next week?” He asked. I hesitated.

“Is there any chance you have any openings Saturday? I’m not sure how I’ll be feeling after the trial. I think I’d benefit from a session either way.”

“How does noon sound? We can discuss the outcome over some food.” He suggested. I nodded.

“It sounds great.”