During my sophomore year of high school, I learned about Daoism. It was a religion type thing where they believed in something called ‘action-less action’. Pretty much it meant that if you sit and do nothing the world will be at peace.
For the last few days, I had morphed into a Daoist. After about four hours of crying and nearly screaming, I went into a state of shock and then depression, which led me to be right where I was now: on the couch, staring at the wall. Emma came home for two minutes that night just to quickly escape when she saw my convulsing body on the floor. I didn’t blame her though; I was one ugly crier and an even worse roommate when I was depressed. So after I texted Zach that night and told him things got ‘fixed’ I sat myself on the couch and did nothing. I barely slept, I barely ate, and I only moved for showering and bathroom purposes. Obviously I didn’t take break ups well, especially ones with M. freaking Shadows.
I was planning on continuing my Daoist tendencies for the rest of my life, or at least until I died of hunger, when there was a soft knock at the door. I expected it to be Jimmy or Zach, but deep in my heart I knew who it was. I just didn’t know why it was him. I stayed perfectly still as there was another round of soft knocks and then the click of the doorknob being turned. I didn’t look his way, I didn’t greet him, and I didn’t throw anything at him. I just stayed still.
“Kid?” His voice came out in a whisper, but it echoed through the apartment. My body stayed completely frozen as he quietly shut the door, but my breathing picked up a little. My heart ached and I just wanted to rip my heart out of my chest just so it would stop. Although I was irritated with how my body was reacting on the inside, I maintained the same statue-like pose. I heard him come closer, but again I did not move. I was on strike from any sort of human actions, other than breathing and blinking. “Kid?”
My mouth stayed shut, even though I was getting that feeling in my chest. That feeling that you need to talk. As though I needed to explain to him I am now a Daoist and I’m going to stay in the same position until I die of hunger. But I couldn’t; I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t move, I wouldn’t speak. I wouldn’t do anything for him. I could feel his eyes on me, but I stayed still.
“Kid? Are you…okay?” Matt asked. I let out a small sigh. It was hard to be a statue when someone is talking to you. You know that saying ‘they told me I could be anything I want so I became blank’? Well, they told me I could be anything, so I became a statue. But Matt wouldn’t have that. I flinched a little when he cleared his throat, and I swallowed hard when I heard him shift his weight. He wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. “Okay, this is kind of freaking me out. Kid, are you okay?” I wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t­—
“Of course I’m okay.” And I did it. Damn it.
“You don’t… look okay.” Matt hesitated. I wouldn’t look at him, I wouldn’t look at him, I wouldn’t—my eyes flickered to him. Son of a bitch! Think statue! “You look like you’re gathering dust.”
“They told me I could be anything, so I became a statue.” I muttered to myself, looking down at the floor. Now that I broke my streak, there was no need for me to be a statue anymore. I slowly moved my arms, wincing when my muscles began protesting. So maybe humans weren’t supposed to be statues. After I stretched my back and arms, I looked at Matt, who was suppressing a smile.
“Did you just…” Matt began. He pursed his lips, but it wasn’t enough to hold back a smile. A huge grin crossed his face and his dimples protruded. Fucking dimples. “That’s adorable.”
“Nothing is adorable.” I replied sullenly. His smile slowly faded and sadness clouded his eyes. He took a step towards me and I shrunk in my seat, not wanting to be near him.
“Kid, listen, I’m sorry.” Matt apologized as he neared the couch. I looked away from him, my already puffy eyes throbbing as tears filled him.
“Don’t be. It’s over with.” I choked, not wanting the words to come out of my mouth. I saw out of the corner of my eye that Matt flinched, but I didn’t care. Or, I tried not to care.
“I don’t want it to be over with.” Matt whispered. That was enough to break the barriers, and my body jolted from a silent sob. I quickly forced myself to stop crying, because I didn’t want to cry in front of him. That was for my own time.
“You made your choice.” I informed him through clenched teeth. Matt sighed and chewed on his lip.
“Why does have to end like that?” Matt questioned. “We can work around it.”
“We can’t work around it Matt.” I snapped, completely pissed off by his attempt to make it better. I stood up and moved myself in front of him. “You think we can but we can’t.”
“Why can’t we?” Matt argued. I was near breaking point, both mentally and physically. I was fighting whether to hug him or hit him. And I was fighting whether to explain myself or just kick him out.
“Because you chose Gayle, and there can’t be both of us.” I asserted. Matt opened his mouth but I let out a sigh. “Matt. Listen. I know you think you can have both, but you can’t. You still have feelings for her, more than you had for me. So just follow those and I’ll see you around.” Matt gave me a confused look and I forced myself to smile a little. “I mean, I am going to be part of this family now, so I can’t just run away from you forever. So just go to Gayle and I’ll give you support.”
“What makes you think I want Gayle?” Matt defended. My God it was like talking to a five year old.
“Matt. Just…” I didn’t know how to explain it, so I was going to explain myself as a last chance effort to win him back. “I’ve always liked you. Of course I saw you as the extremely attractive lead singer of my favorite band, but then as my savior. When you smiled at me during the concert I was exploding. I still can’t believe you saved me. Saving me instantly made me want you, as more than just a physical night with a rock star. I wanted to be with you. But I never got the chance.”
“What does this have to do with—”
“Because, Matt!” I interrupted him. “When you thought Zach and I were a thing, you never spoke to me about it; you just became bitter and sent me mixed signals. But I was still there through that, there hoping that you’d tell me what was wrong so we could be together. And when you flipped out about the huge date, I was still there, hoping you’d forgive me. But my ‘friend’ goes to try to get you together with me and you end up with her, who turned out to be your ex that cheated on you. I’m telling you, Matt. I’m telling you right now that Gayle is in the way of us and it’s killing me.”
“Kid…” Matt sighed, his face soft. He looked at me with guilt-ridden eyes and I almost turned around and smashed my face into my table. “You know I’ve had feelings for you since I saw you. Everyone knows. But… but things are just so fucked up right now—”
“But they don’t have to be,” I croaked, a sob wracking through my body. I couldn’t cry anymore, but it didn’t mean that my body couldn’t convulse out of sadness and despair. “Matt I can hardly tell that you still like me. Now that you’re with Gayle, a girl that you love, being with you is letting you have your cake and eat it too. This whole thing is just—” I was cut off when Matt pulled me into his strong arms. There was an urge in my body to pull away and tell him off, but I went against that and clung myself to Matt. I sniffled against his chest as my arms tightened around his abdomen. I felt his cheek rest against the top of my head and I soaked up this feeling. It was the best feeling in the world, but I doubt I would have it any longer.
“I don’t love her anymore, Kid.” Matt mumbled against my hair. I wanted to believe him—oh man did I want to believe—but I could feel him tense ever so slightly under my arms and his heart rate quickened. I knew the truth.
“I know you’re lying, Matt.” I admitted against his shirt. I felt him move uncomfortably under my hold, and even though I should have been angry with him, I wasn’t. I knew what it was like to give up the love you held onto for a long time. Leaving Nebraska meant leaving behind Sam, but Matt couldn’t just leave California when his whole career started there. I couldn’t condemn him
We stood there for a long time, just holding each other. I had a lot to think about with what was going on. I knew that Matt wouldn’t let Gayle go because he loved her, but I wanted him. I almost even needed him. I was always a little dependent on my men, and I put so much time and feelings into my quest to have Matt that if I let go I’d lose so much. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Matt moved his head down a little on top of mine.
“Let me make this up to you, Kid.” I chewed on my lip, not knowing what to say. Every fiber of my being was saying to do it, but in actuality…
“I don’t know if you can make it up to me, Matt. Not this time.” My throat tensed as I said that, and I had to force the words out. In some ways I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew secretly that it was the cold hard truth.
“Let me try, Kid. Please.” Matt pleaded, pulling away so he could look at me. I didn’t know what to do. Every part of me wanted to give him a chance, but something was telling me not to; that it’d be easier to let go if I started now. Matt’s hands went to my face and he pulled my head to his direction so he was staring right into my eyes. His hazel eyes were pleading and soft. “Please. If I can’t make it up to you then… then you can punch me and cuss me out and do whatever you want. But I just need a chance. Please, Kid.”
“…Okay.” I finally breathed. I wasn’t sure about the whole thing, but I didn’t want to let go of him. Matt smiled kindly before pulling me into a kiss and, like every time before, my body set on fire. My arms snaked around his neck and I pulled him closer to me so that our bodies were pushed against each other. Matt put his hands on my thighs and picked me up, setting me gently on the island in the kitchen. Our kissing grew fierce, and Matt slipped his tongue into my mouth. As we made out, my hands went to his shirt and shakily undid the buttons and pushed his shirt onto the floor. My hands raked over his muscles, and I didn’t know if it had just been a long time since I felt his arms or if he had been working out, but he felt twice as strong since the last time I had his muscles under my fingertips. My hunger for him was taking over and I reached for his pants but was stopped by a strong hand.
“No.” Matt chuckled, pulling away from the kiss. I pouted and he smiled, pinching my chin with him thumb and pointer finger.
“Why not?” I whined, fiddling with the bottom of my shirt. Another attractive chuckle left Matt’s lips and I looked up, curious as to what he was laughing at.
“Because I have to make this up to you.” Matt explained in a light tone. I huffed and he giggled at my childish behavior. He let out a gasp when I gripped his belt loops and pulled him to me, my lips finding his neck.
“You can make it up to me afterwards,” I mumbled next to his ear and I nibbled on his neck. A small whimper escaped his mouth before he laughed and picked me up. I didn’t give up my antics as Matt carried me to my room, but Matt just shook his head at me. I grumbled in distaste as he set me on the bed and went to my closet, shuffling through my clothes. After a while of flipping through, he grinned widely and pulled a dress out and threw it at me. I squealed and pulled it off just quick enough to see Matt on his knees in my closet rummaging through my thousands of shoes. As I awaited Matt to grab a pair of shoes I held up the dress, instantly becoming confused. I set it down on my lap and watched at he finally had a pair in his hands and brought them over to me. I stared at my black converse with grey sparkles painted on them for a long time, trying to remember where I’d worn those before.
“I’ll be in the living room waiting for you to get dressed.” Matt announced as he grinned widely and swayed on his heels. I raised his eyebrows and he smiled wider. “Don’t forget to straighten your hair before you come out.” With that, he spun on his heel and left the room. I stared at the door for a minute, completely dumbfounded. Still confused, I stood up and stripped down to my underwear so I could get the dress on. After I tied up the shoes I went to the bathroom and turned on my straightener. I put my generic silver eye shadow and black eyeliner on my water line and ran mascara over my long brown eyelashes before focusing on my hair. I was having a horrible feeling of déjà vu as I ran the straightener through my dark blue locks, and it took me the whole time I was doing my hair to realize why. It was because I had done all this before. I smiled a little before walking out into the living room where Matt was. He looked up at me and beamed at me as I leaned against the doorway, crossing my arms over my chest and raising my eyebrows.
“Really, Shadz? Is there a reason you dressed me in the same garb I had on the date that went horribly wrong?” I questioned. Matt pursed his lips a little before standing up and walking towards me. He grabbed my hand and spun me around gently before pulling me into an embrace. His arms slid around my waist and he kissed me gently on the forehead.
“I know this outfit doesn’t have the best memories,” He said quietly against my forehead. I sighed a little and he mimicked me. “But I’m going to change that tonight.”
“I don’t know whether to be scared or excited.” I mumbled as I rested my head against his chest. Matt smiled and kissed me gently.
“Be whatever you want to be, Kid.” He smirked. I rolled my eyes and pecked his lips again, which suddenly caught my attention.
“Your lip ring is gone.” I pointed out, staring intently at his naked lips. How did I not notice that earlier? Matt nodded and turned his head a little as he looked at me.
“You’re wearing a stud now.” He reiterated. I nodded and spun the bar of my lip stud with my teeth. I shrugged lazily.
“I just felt like the ring was too much.” I informed him. He nodded in agreement.
“Yeah. I just felt like I grew out of it, you know?” Matt exclaimed. I nodded and he shrugged again. “I mean I’m 28-and-a-half. I have to start growing up.”
“Then what are you doing with a bunch of childish men as your friends?” I snickered. He laughed and shook his head.
“I have no idea.” He mused. I smiled and he imitated me. “We better go. I have to show you how sorry I am.” I nodded a little and he let me out of his embrace, but tightly gripped my hand. As he led me out of the apartment, I got lost in thought.
I had no idea what Matt was planning, but I was downright scared. It wasn’t the thought of wearing the same clothes that had the memory of our horrible date or even that I was afraid we’d get caught, it was just the thought of being with Matt. So much shit was weighing between us and I had no idea what to do. Right now I just wanted to go to Zacky’s house and have him hold me and tell me what to do. But he doesn’t know; no one knows but Jimmy, and Jimmy has no idea how to fix it. No one did, and that’s what scared me the most. I almost just felt like I needed to let it go and let Matt go through the motions with Gayle. He’s a grown ass man, and if he can’t choose between two girls, then someone has to choose it for him. I almost wanted to bring that whole ‘if you love two at once pick the second’ quote, but that didn’t work because, in a sense, both Gayle and I were second at some point in time. Life just seemed at a stalemate.
Matt didn’t seem to notice my internal horror and continued to guide me to his car. He opened the door and helped me in before going to the other side and sliding himself into the driver’s seat. He started the car and pulled smoothly out of the parking lot, quickly jumping on the highway. The car was silent, and even though neither of us wanted to admit it, the tension was thick. We both were nervous and you could almost feel it in the air, but neither of us spoke. Matt popped in an AC/DC CD and quietly drummed to the beat as he paid attention to the road. I stared absentmindedly at my phone, not bothering to text anyone or play any sort of game. I just wanted to forget the reason he was taking me, but it was hard when we were both radiating our negative feelings. I had to say something, I had to—
“So what was with the whole statue thing this morning?” Matt asked. Well there goes my plan. I hesitated, trying to think whether I should lie or not.
“You ever have those days where you just don’t want to move from your spot?” I questioned. Matt nodded and I mimicked him. “It was that.”
“It looked like you left a dent in the couch. How many days were you sitting there?” Matt wondered, looking over at me curiously.
“Four, maybe five.” I shrugged. His eyes widened but I just waved it off. There was one question on my mind, but I couldn’t grow the balls to ask him. I wanted to know what he did in the days following our break up but I quite honestly didn’t know if I really wanted to know. The conversation stopped and we went back to the heavy silence, which was both relaxing and killing me. I stopped paying attention to the route Matt was taking and just rested my head on the window, reminiscing about the days when the drives with each other would be full of chatter and sexual innuendos. I wanted those back. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Matt was struggling to think of something to say, but I didn’t try to help him. The silence stayed for a while before Matt gave up trying to think of something and just focused on the road. After about ten more minutes of silence I realized we were out of Huntington and entering Seal Beach, which was just next to Long Beach. I raised my eyebrows and looked at Matt. “You took me all the way to Long Beach?”
“You can’t be too safe.” Matt replied simply. I gave him that one.
“So what are we doing here? Are you going to get me drunk and sex me up until you’re forgiven?” I asked, my voice both innocent and cynical. Matt shot me a look and smirked before looking back at the road.
“Why would I take you thirty minutes out just to do something I could do back at your apartment?” Matt retorted, his voice just as cynical. I raised an eyebrow and his smirk grew. “I mean you were all over me earlier anyway, I could have just bottle fed you some wine and you’d be crawling back to me.” That made me let out a loud laugh.
“All of you Avenged men think you’re so badass and pompous it’s almost adorable.” I sneered. That made him chuckle and shake his head.
“You’re a mouthy one.” Matt commented. I flicked my eyebrows and he looked at me from the corner of his eyes. “I like that.” I scoffed and turned away, smirking to myself. What a snob. An arrogant, egotistical, pretentious, wonderful, attractive, sweet, funny snob.
“So why aren’t I being bottle-fed, then?” I questioned, turning my head back to him. Matt still had the smirk slapped on his face, but it dulled slightly as he turned his head towards me a bit.
“Because that’d be too easy.” Matt answered. I wanted to think he was being cynical again, but something about his tone made my sassy border dim a little. “I want to prove that I’m sorry. I don’t want to bullshit my way through this.” I tilted my head and stared at his face, which was now apologetic and soft. I could tell he was being serious, and it melted my heart. I felt the car stop but I didn’t move. Matt unbuckled himself and looked at me. “We’re here.” I didn’t move. I just stared. He gave me a curious look and before he knew what was happening I grabbed his head and smashed our lips together. His hands went to my face and we kissed each other deeply before pulling away. Matt smiled a little at me before getting out and coming to my side. I unbuckled myself and grabbed his hand as he helped me out and let him guide me to a fancy looking restaurant. We were seated immediately and our drinks were taken. At this point I noticed Matt was also wearing a button-up shirt and some of his fancier pairs of jeans.
“So this isn’t your regular French-themed restaurant.” I noted as I looked at the fancy menu. I opened it for a split second just to slam it shut and put it on the table. “And it definitely isn’t your go-to-on-a-regular-basis restaurant either!” Matt laughed at my horror and smiled widely. “Seriously, you could have just taken me to Olive Garden or something.”
“The prices aren’t that bad.” Matt chuckled as he reached over the table to grab myhand.
“To you. I was and in fact still am always a middle-to-low class citizen, so excuse me Mr. Money Bags for looking at a $50 tab for a small piece of meat and wanting to evacuate the premises.” I snapped in a quiet tone. Somehow I was being amusing because Matt’s face went red as he tried to hold in his snickers. I huffed at his reaction and slowly opened up the menu, trying to find something both edible and not expensive. We both ordered our food when the waiter came with our drink and as we waited for our food we just kind of stared at each other. I didn’t really know what to say but I was already sick of silence so I finally just said, “so you think a super expensive dinner is going to make me forgive you?”
“For one thing, I didn’t come here because I thought the prices would make it seem like I’m buying your love.” Matt pointed out. I sipped on my wine and rested my head on my hand as he caressed the back of my other hand. “I brought you here because the food is great and you deserve the best.” I smiled a little and he returned it before looking back at my hand. “And two, the night doesn’t end here. After dinner we’re heading back into Huntington and going one place else.” He left it at that and so did I. I wanted it to be a secret and I also wanted to prepare for what else was to come. To be honest, Matt was forgiven the minute he sassed me, but I knew that I had to make him try his hardest to prove that he really truly deserved it.
Our food came half an hour later and we talked about fond childhood memories as we ate our dinner. Luckily the restaurant was mostly empty, so we didn’t bother a lot of people with our laughing and loud jokes. People like Matt and I were definitely not meant for restaurants like this. We finished up quickly and, without even looking at the check, paid and left. Matt once again helped me into the car and this time the ride back to the city was more open and laid-back. I almost didn’t notice we were even in Huntington until I saw out of the corner of my eye us turning off his street and into the forest. I knew right then where he was taking me, and suddenly I was more scared than ever. I loved the cliff, absolutely loved it, but I didn’t think I was ready to go back there. Especially because I thought it all over and realized that I didn’t know if I could forgive Matt. Whether or not he gave me this unforgettable night, he was still with Gayle, and he still chose her over me. That was not something I could easily forgive, no matter how much I tried. But Matt was just so wonderful tonight and my crush on him was still there, so I was utterly confused whether to follow my heart or my mind.
We came to the cliff a few minutes later and he reversed the car so that the trunk was facing the city. He got out without me following and opened up the hatch. I saw him lay down a blanket in there and I knew what was going to happen. My heart fluttered as he walked over to my side of the car and held his hand out to me. I hesitantly took it and let him lead me to the edge where we looked up at the city and the stars.
“You know, although the last time I was here didn’t end so pretty, I still think this is the best place in Huntington to go.” Matt said quietly as he tightened his arms around me. I nodded and leaned my head against his shoulder, my melancholy overtaking me. Matt turned towards me and kissed me gently, his lips molding against mine perfectly. His hands cupped my face and I melted into him, almost completely forgetting how upset I was. Almost.
Matt picked me up and carried me bridal style to the trunk of his car, gently setting me inside on the blanket. He reached behind me and unzipped my dress, carefully sliding it off my body. It was the middle of fall but just warm enough that I wasn’t freezing in my strapless bra and lace boy shorts. I unbuttoned Matt’s shirt and put it on top of my dress and leaned back as he pulled off his pants. I wanted to get excited about this, and I mean I was (being my first time having car sex and all), but I wasn’t as excited as I should have been. I just could not for the life of me shake the inner feelings that he couldn’t be forgiven. But he went through all this trouble to make it up to me that I felt if I turned him down this would ruin every chance of it getting fixed. Matt crawled over me and kissed my jaw line gently as his hands roamed my body. I closed my eyes and took in the feeling of being loved, knowing that I might not ever feel it again. Matt pressed his lips to mine, but I was hesitant. He pulled away and looked at me worriedly.
“Are you okay, Love?” He whispered. I nodded a little and his eyes grew more worried. “Are you sure?” I pushed it. I pushed it all back and chose my heart. I wanted this. I wanted him. I’d have to get over Gayle, because the only reason she had him was because he was desperately trying to get me back. I just kept telling myself that. I know I’d regret it later, but I was going to do it. I was going to continue seeing him behind everyone’s back. More firmly, I nodded and he smiled a little. “So am I forgiven.” I once again nodded and he grinned. “Good.” With that, he kissed me passionately and slid off my underwear, his coming off shortly after that.

Notes

I'm stupid. I'm really stupid. Yes this story is still on hold, yes I am still incredibly homesick and yes I am still suffering from the worst case of writers block ever. But I had to give you guys this chapter. Last night I went to a concert of yours truly, Avenged mother fucking Sevenfold. It was wonderful in so many ways, I was up at the front for Shepherd of Fire, Welcome to the Family, Critical Acclaim, and Hail to the King before I had to get out due to extreme squishiness and lack of oxygen reaching my body (plus I couldn't see over all the tall assholes who were in front of me and shoving me back). But it was great and I'm so angry at Emma because she left me earlier (not on purpose but she couldn't breathe) and ended up getting a lot of eye contact with Zacky and he threw a pick right fucking at her that bitch (which is exactly why Zacky and Emma are together in our other book). I tried to get you guys a video of Unholy Confessions because of the title of this book but my phone didn't record, but I am going to (try to) post pictures I took for every new chapter. So this is just a celebratory I-love-them-so-much-best-concert-ever chapter and that means only eight more chapters to go before this story is done and you get to find out what happens. But those are a work in progress. Enjoy and I'll try to get done soon! ~Jessi