Two Vibrant Hearts
Chapter Seventy-One
I was fuming. I was beyond fuming. I was a ball of anger and pain. I paced my living room swiftly, chewing on my already bleeding fingers. My phone dinged, but I didn’t answer it. Emma was at Johnny’s and Jimmy had just dropped me off. My phone was ringing all night but I wouldn’t look at them. Jimmy would, and all he had to say was ‘it’s Matt’ and I knew that it was an apology. But I wasn’t going to take it, not this time.
All I wanted to do right now was tell every single one of our friends that we were secretly dating. If I did that then it’d piss Matt off and get back at him for what I witnessed yesterday. It did indeed cross my mind that I had swapped spit right in front of Matt with Brian, but a make out session and a date were two totally different things. I couldn’t get the scene out of my head; how happy they looked, and how caring the gazes they shared. It made me sick. It made me angry. It made me want to kill Gayle.
Just out of pure anger, that’s what I planned. I stopped mid-pace and went to my kitchen. My phone dinged again, but I continued to ignore it. I pulled out vanilla cake mix, specifically because Emma didn’t like vanilla cake so if I actually cooked it she wouldn’t eat it on accident. I began mixing up the ingredients, not even bothering to look at the instructions. No one was going to eat it, I just needed to vent. After I mixed everything into a bowl sloppily, I dove under the sink for any sort of cleaning products. I grabbed out bleach, and window cleaner, and antifreeze, and rat poison. I blindly poured half of each thing into the cake mix before throwing them back under the sink. I grabbed the spoon roughly in my hand and stirred the cake batter forcefully. There was a knock at the door, but I ignored it.
“Hey, why haven’t you been answering your phone?” Zach’s voice rang from behind me. I let out a groan and ignored him, practically beating the batter with the spoon. I heard a sniff from behind me and I glanced over my shoulder to see Zach staring at me, his eyebrows knitted. “Why does it smell like poison in here?”
“Because I’m making a poison cake.” I answered gruffly. Footsteps stopped immediately after I said that, and I realized Zach probably thought I was a psychopath.
“For who?” Zach questioned. I sighed and chewed on the inside of my mouth as I stared at the batter.
“Gayle.” I said simply. I looked at Zach and his mouth dropped.
“Seriously?” Zach asked incredulously. I rolled my eyes and turned back to my work. “Kid, I know you hate her but that’s fucked up big time.”
“I wasn’t actually going to make it for her.” I grumbled as I dropped the bowl in the sink. I turned the water on high and watched as my creation was washed away. I grabbed a rag and began cleaning the mess I had made; scrubbing so hard that my hands started aching.
“Uh… Okay.” Zach scratched worriedly at the back of his head. I sighed and stopped cleaning. I turned to him and let out a sigh. I closed my eyes and calmed myself down before slowly opening them back up. Zach stood a few feet away from me, his body language tense. I let out a breath and ran my wet hand through my hair.
“I’m sorry, Zach. I know I’m acting like a psychopath right now.” I sighed. Zach looked up at me with innocent green eyes and I walked over to him. “And I’m sorry for not answering your texts. I’m just frustrated and I wasn’t checking my phone.”
“Its fine, Kid. I just came to tell you that Matt was heading over here.” My hands snapped against the counter and I glared at Zach with hard eyes. Zach immediately noticed my hostility and took a step away from me.
“Why?” I barked, not moving myself from where I was. If I did, I’d probably punch Zach on accident. Zach licked his lips and looked away from me, his eyes going anywhere that I wasn’t.
“I don’t know. He just called me and practically busted my eardrum asking if I could get a hold of you. I told him you weren’t answering and he said he was going to… in his words… ‘bust your fucking door down’. He seems pretty angry.” Zach explained. That comment made my anger flare and I was tempted to throw the knife drawer across the room. I clenched my jaw as tight as possible as I thought of what Zach said.
“I will bust his fucking head in.” I snapped. Zach looked downright horrified and I let out an angry sigh. “I’m really sorry I’m scaring you.”
“I’m not scared of you. I’m scared for Matt.” Zach replied. I smiled a little and went over to Zach. He pulled me into a hug and I squeezed him tightly, the anger leaving from my body. Zach kissed the top of my head and looked down at me with concerned eyes. “Should I know what’s going on?”
“We’re just in a little argument, Zacky. It’s fine.” A little argument was an understatement, but I didn’t want to tell Zach out of all of them what was going on. Zach would react like any older brother, angry or disappointed, and I didn’t want that. Zach’s views on me as an older brother was the most important to me, so I couldn’t fuck it up.
“I’d hardly call that a little argument.” Zach chuckled. I smiled and laughed a little, although my heart was aching. “I mean, not answering each other’s texts is one thing, but threatening to bust their fucking door or head is a whole new level of anger.”
“Speaking of my door, you might want to leave before Matt gets here if he is on his way.” I suggested. Zach nodded and looked at me. He kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly before letting me go, allowing the anger to wrap its burning hands around me again.
“I’ll text you tonight, Kid. You better answer me.” Zach warned. I nodded and smiled. I waved at him and he returned it before stepping out of my apartment. I went to the kitchen and flicked off the water that I had kept running. Even though I was still pissed, I didn’t scrub the counter as hard. My fingertips began bleeding again and the soap on the rag seeped into them. I flinched from the sudden stinging and opened up the drawer that we kept band aids in. I began wrapping my left hand when there was a pounding at the door.
“Kid, open the damn door.” Matt roared from outside. I sighed and stayed where I was, continuing to wrap up my fingers.
“You break my door I will smash your head into the counter.” I called calmly. Even though I was beyond angry, I almost felt calm as I listened to Matt hit the door. Just knowing that he was as angry as me was in some way comforting, even though I don’t know why he’d be pissed. He was the one that screwed me over.
“I’m not kidding, Kid. Open the fucking door.” Matt demanded. I tightened the band aids around my fingers gently before going over to the couch and sitting on the arm rest.
“The door is open.” I announced sweetly. Matt nearly flung the door open, his face looking almost identical to the night of the concert. I stayed seated, staring at him with an emotionless expression.
“Why the fuck haven’t you been answering my texts?” He asserted. I licked my lips, trying to keep my expression emotionless.
“I guess my phone is dead.” I lied, my voice smooth. As if on cue, my phone went off and both Matt and I looked at it. I glanced back at Matt, who looked sincerely annoyed, and shrugged. “Oops. Guess not.”
“What the fuck is your deal, Kid?” Matt snapped. My anger once again flared and I plastered a smile on my face. I let out a long sigh before squinting my eyes.
“I don’t know what my deal is, Sanders.” I retorted sweetly. I could tell I was pissing him off, so I smiled wider. I was about to speak when Matt sniffed the air. He gave me a confused look and I stayed smiling.
“Why in the hell does it smell like poison in here?” Matt sneered. I shrugged again.
“Because I was making a cake full of rat poison and antifreeze.” I answered simply. Matt’s eyes widened and his eyebrows knitted together.
“That’s fucked up.” Matt scoffed. I let out a laugh and that’s when I knew I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I stood up and took a step towards him, interlacing my fingers together.
“No, sweetie. You wanna know what’s fucked up?” I asked kindly, my voice growing harder with every word. Matt realized he just hit the detonator, and that he was in loads of shit. “What’s fucked up is getting to watch my boyfriend be on a date with someone he says he doesn’t love anymore!”
“I had to watch you make out with my best friend.” Matt argued. I let out a loud, horrifying laugh, my temper rising at a crazy speed.
“You see, there’s a fucking difference, though.” I yelled. Matt crossed his arms over his chest and I was near tears. I just wanted to punch him. “I am not in a relationship with Brian. I can kick him to the curb any time I want. You on the other hand are in a relationship with Gayle. And she has you so wrapped around her finger that you won’t break up with her.”
“If you can kick Brian to the curb at any time, why don’t you?” Matt challenged. I lost it. I just fucking lost it. I grabbed the nearest pillow and shoved my face into it before letting out a blood curdling scream. I sunk to my knees and began crying into the pillow, mostly out of anger and partially out of sadness. I could hear my floor creak a little, most likely from Matt shifting his weight. The floor began to creak again, and I shot up. Matt snapped his hand away from me and stared in horror.
“I don’t fucking kick Brian to the curb because of you!” I shrieked, tears still running down my face. “If you would just grow some fucking balls and get rid of Gayle then Brian would be gone!”
“Why does it matter if I’m still with Gayle?” Matt asked, his voice significantly calmer than before. But that just pissed me off even more.
“It matters because he actually fucking takes care of me, unlike you!” I snapped. I immediately felt guilty as pain crossed Matt’s face, but I didn’t care right now. This was his fault. “Brian goes when Gayle goes. If Brian knew that we were secretly dating then he’d be gone. But you won’t let me tell him.”
“Because that will fuck everything up!” Matt shouted. I flinched a little but quickly recovered.
“How? Because he’ll find a way to get the fucking bitch out of the picture?” I persisted. Matt was silent for a few seconds and I shook my head. “I know that’s why. You still love her and that’s why you said yes. You got mad at me for being her friend because you still weren’t over her. You didn’t push her out of your house because you still wanted to be with her, not because you thought you’d win me over.”
“That’s a fucking lie.” Matt growled. I raised my eyebrow.
“Is it? Is it really?” I challenged. Matt nodded and my mouth twitched. “Matthew Sanders look me right in the eyes and tell me you don’t love her anymore.” Hurt seeped into his eyes. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.
“Fine. Don’t believe me. But it goes as stands: until Brian goes, Gayle stays.” Matt announced. I bit my lip and looked down. Tears blurred my vision and I kept my head down.
“Then this can’t work out.” I whispered, my voice breaking a little. I didn’t look up at Matt because I didn’t want to see how he reacted.
“Kid—”
“Matt. Don’t.” I whimpered, not wanting to listen to him anymore. Everything was just fucked up and it was time to accept the fact that we couldn’t be together. That we wouldn’t. I’d just have to stick it out alone or find another Cali boy. Being with Brian at this point is out of the question: I wouldn’t jump from one band member to the next. Especially band members of the same band.
I flinched when Matt’s hand gently cupped my cheek. I felt his lips touch the top of my head gently and he traced his thumb across my face before stepping away. I watched through my hair as he gave me one more sad look and left. I fell to the floor again and curled into a ball around the pillow, biting into the side as I held back sobs. So it was over.
All I wanted to do right now was tell every single one of our friends that we were secretly dating. If I did that then it’d piss Matt off and get back at him for what I witnessed yesterday. It did indeed cross my mind that I had swapped spit right in front of Matt with Brian, but a make out session and a date were two totally different things. I couldn’t get the scene out of my head; how happy they looked, and how caring the gazes they shared. It made me sick. It made me angry. It made me want to kill Gayle.
Just out of pure anger, that’s what I planned. I stopped mid-pace and went to my kitchen. My phone dinged again, but I continued to ignore it. I pulled out vanilla cake mix, specifically because Emma didn’t like vanilla cake so if I actually cooked it she wouldn’t eat it on accident. I began mixing up the ingredients, not even bothering to look at the instructions. No one was going to eat it, I just needed to vent. After I mixed everything into a bowl sloppily, I dove under the sink for any sort of cleaning products. I grabbed out bleach, and window cleaner, and antifreeze, and rat poison. I blindly poured half of each thing into the cake mix before throwing them back under the sink. I grabbed the spoon roughly in my hand and stirred the cake batter forcefully. There was a knock at the door, but I ignored it.
“Hey, why haven’t you been answering your phone?” Zach’s voice rang from behind me. I let out a groan and ignored him, practically beating the batter with the spoon. I heard a sniff from behind me and I glanced over my shoulder to see Zach staring at me, his eyebrows knitted. “Why does it smell like poison in here?”
“Because I’m making a poison cake.” I answered gruffly. Footsteps stopped immediately after I said that, and I realized Zach probably thought I was a psychopath.
“For who?” Zach questioned. I sighed and chewed on the inside of my mouth as I stared at the batter.
“Gayle.” I said simply. I looked at Zach and his mouth dropped.
“Seriously?” Zach asked incredulously. I rolled my eyes and turned back to my work. “Kid, I know you hate her but that’s fucked up big time.”
“I wasn’t actually going to make it for her.” I grumbled as I dropped the bowl in the sink. I turned the water on high and watched as my creation was washed away. I grabbed a rag and began cleaning the mess I had made; scrubbing so hard that my hands started aching.
“Uh… Okay.” Zach scratched worriedly at the back of his head. I sighed and stopped cleaning. I turned to him and let out a sigh. I closed my eyes and calmed myself down before slowly opening them back up. Zach stood a few feet away from me, his body language tense. I let out a breath and ran my wet hand through my hair.
“I’m sorry, Zach. I know I’m acting like a psychopath right now.” I sighed. Zach looked up at me with innocent green eyes and I walked over to him. “And I’m sorry for not answering your texts. I’m just frustrated and I wasn’t checking my phone.”
“Its fine, Kid. I just came to tell you that Matt was heading over here.” My hands snapped against the counter and I glared at Zach with hard eyes. Zach immediately noticed my hostility and took a step away from me.
“Why?” I barked, not moving myself from where I was. If I did, I’d probably punch Zach on accident. Zach licked his lips and looked away from me, his eyes going anywhere that I wasn’t.
“I don’t know. He just called me and practically busted my eardrum asking if I could get a hold of you. I told him you weren’t answering and he said he was going to… in his words… ‘bust your fucking door down’. He seems pretty angry.” Zach explained. That comment made my anger flare and I was tempted to throw the knife drawer across the room. I clenched my jaw as tight as possible as I thought of what Zach said.
“I will bust his fucking head in.” I snapped. Zach looked downright horrified and I let out an angry sigh. “I’m really sorry I’m scaring you.”
“I’m not scared of you. I’m scared for Matt.” Zach replied. I smiled a little and went over to Zach. He pulled me into a hug and I squeezed him tightly, the anger leaving from my body. Zach kissed the top of my head and looked down at me with concerned eyes. “Should I know what’s going on?”
“We’re just in a little argument, Zacky. It’s fine.” A little argument was an understatement, but I didn’t want to tell Zach out of all of them what was going on. Zach would react like any older brother, angry or disappointed, and I didn’t want that. Zach’s views on me as an older brother was the most important to me, so I couldn’t fuck it up.
“I’d hardly call that a little argument.” Zach chuckled. I smiled and laughed a little, although my heart was aching. “I mean, not answering each other’s texts is one thing, but threatening to bust their fucking door or head is a whole new level of anger.”
“Speaking of my door, you might want to leave before Matt gets here if he is on his way.” I suggested. Zach nodded and looked at me. He kissed my forehead and hugged me tightly before letting me go, allowing the anger to wrap its burning hands around me again.
“I’ll text you tonight, Kid. You better answer me.” Zach warned. I nodded and smiled. I waved at him and he returned it before stepping out of my apartment. I went to the kitchen and flicked off the water that I had kept running. Even though I was still pissed, I didn’t scrub the counter as hard. My fingertips began bleeding again and the soap on the rag seeped into them. I flinched from the sudden stinging and opened up the drawer that we kept band aids in. I began wrapping my left hand when there was a pounding at the door.
“Kid, open the damn door.” Matt roared from outside. I sighed and stayed where I was, continuing to wrap up my fingers.
“You break my door I will smash your head into the counter.” I called calmly. Even though I was beyond angry, I almost felt calm as I listened to Matt hit the door. Just knowing that he was as angry as me was in some way comforting, even though I don’t know why he’d be pissed. He was the one that screwed me over.
“I’m not kidding, Kid. Open the fucking door.” Matt demanded. I tightened the band aids around my fingers gently before going over to the couch and sitting on the arm rest.
“The door is open.” I announced sweetly. Matt nearly flung the door open, his face looking almost identical to the night of the concert. I stayed seated, staring at him with an emotionless expression.
“Why the fuck haven’t you been answering my texts?” He asserted. I licked my lips, trying to keep my expression emotionless.
“I guess my phone is dead.” I lied, my voice smooth. As if on cue, my phone went off and both Matt and I looked at it. I glanced back at Matt, who looked sincerely annoyed, and shrugged. “Oops. Guess not.”
“What the fuck is your deal, Kid?” Matt snapped. My anger once again flared and I plastered a smile on my face. I let out a long sigh before squinting my eyes.
“I don’t know what my deal is, Sanders.” I retorted sweetly. I could tell I was pissing him off, so I smiled wider. I was about to speak when Matt sniffed the air. He gave me a confused look and I stayed smiling.
“Why in the hell does it smell like poison in here?” Matt sneered. I shrugged again.
“Because I was making a cake full of rat poison and antifreeze.” I answered simply. Matt’s eyes widened and his eyebrows knitted together.
“That’s fucked up.” Matt scoffed. I let out a laugh and that’s when I knew I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I stood up and took a step towards him, interlacing my fingers together.
“No, sweetie. You wanna know what’s fucked up?” I asked kindly, my voice growing harder with every word. Matt realized he just hit the detonator, and that he was in loads of shit. “What’s fucked up is getting to watch my boyfriend be on a date with someone he says he doesn’t love anymore!”
“I had to watch you make out with my best friend.” Matt argued. I let out a loud, horrifying laugh, my temper rising at a crazy speed.
“You see, there’s a fucking difference, though.” I yelled. Matt crossed his arms over his chest and I was near tears. I just wanted to punch him. “I am not in a relationship with Brian. I can kick him to the curb any time I want. You on the other hand are in a relationship with Gayle. And she has you so wrapped around her finger that you won’t break up with her.”
“If you can kick Brian to the curb at any time, why don’t you?” Matt challenged. I lost it. I just fucking lost it. I grabbed the nearest pillow and shoved my face into it before letting out a blood curdling scream. I sunk to my knees and began crying into the pillow, mostly out of anger and partially out of sadness. I could hear my floor creak a little, most likely from Matt shifting his weight. The floor began to creak again, and I shot up. Matt snapped his hand away from me and stared in horror.
“I don’t fucking kick Brian to the curb because of you!” I shrieked, tears still running down my face. “If you would just grow some fucking balls and get rid of Gayle then Brian would be gone!”
“Why does it matter if I’m still with Gayle?” Matt asked, his voice significantly calmer than before. But that just pissed me off even more.
“It matters because he actually fucking takes care of me, unlike you!” I snapped. I immediately felt guilty as pain crossed Matt’s face, but I didn’t care right now. This was his fault. “Brian goes when Gayle goes. If Brian knew that we were secretly dating then he’d be gone. But you won’t let me tell him.”
“Because that will fuck everything up!” Matt shouted. I flinched a little but quickly recovered.
“How? Because he’ll find a way to get the fucking bitch out of the picture?” I persisted. Matt was silent for a few seconds and I shook my head. “I know that’s why. You still love her and that’s why you said yes. You got mad at me for being her friend because you still weren’t over her. You didn’t push her out of your house because you still wanted to be with her, not because you thought you’d win me over.”
“That’s a fucking lie.” Matt growled. I raised my eyebrow.
“Is it? Is it really?” I challenged. Matt nodded and my mouth twitched. “Matthew Sanders look me right in the eyes and tell me you don’t love her anymore.” Hurt seeped into his eyes. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.
“Fine. Don’t believe me. But it goes as stands: until Brian goes, Gayle stays.” Matt announced. I bit my lip and looked down. Tears blurred my vision and I kept my head down.
“Then this can’t work out.” I whispered, my voice breaking a little. I didn’t look up at Matt because I didn’t want to see how he reacted.
“Kid—”
“Matt. Don’t.” I whimpered, not wanting to listen to him anymore. Everything was just fucked up and it was time to accept the fact that we couldn’t be together. That we wouldn’t. I’d just have to stick it out alone or find another Cali boy. Being with Brian at this point is out of the question: I wouldn’t jump from one band member to the next. Especially band members of the same band.
I flinched when Matt’s hand gently cupped my cheek. I felt his lips touch the top of my head gently and he traced his thumb across my face before stepping away. I watched through my hair as he gave me one more sad look and left. I fell to the floor again and curled into a ball around the pillow, biting into the side as I held back sobs. So it was over.
Ohhhh, I love this!!!
12/13/16