Insignificant

The years passed painfully, and slowly.
Things did go on as normal though(well, as normal as they can after having lost your best friend). It'd been years since I last spoke to him, and it's been years since I last heard anything new come from his mouth. Though he's buried 6 feet under, I still believed I might get to hear him once again. I remember walking in, finding him... Laying there. At first I thought he just got drunk and passed out the night before, but I realized otherwise when I continued saying him name until I was on the ground, screaming and shaking him. I didn't want to believe it, and I still don't. I can barely think about how long it's been. It just reminds me how each day that passes takes me farther away from the day he spoke his last word; It reminds me of all the problems, and shit that has happened since then too.
I guess it's just myself I have a issue with as well. I don't want to live, wasting it all; I feel like I'm breaking inside. I'm stuck under the shadow of my sick mistakes, I'm just tired of it all. I barely feel human anymore. I know Matt had to have felt somewhat the same way I do because I once found some of his trashed song ideas, and they spoke some of the words I would never admit out loud.
After Jimmy had left, it's not that we stopped caring about anything, we didn't, it was more of the fact we had the lack of motivation to do anything. I did at least. We still toured, wrote new songs, and created music, it just didn't feel complete. I think we all are somewhat happy, just a little cracked. My phone rang, snapping me back to reality. I sighed and waited a little before setting down my beer, lazily getting up to answer.
"Hello?"
"Hey dude. Are you ready for tonight?"
I held my breath, fighting back some stupid tears.
"Dreading." I finally let go of my breath, waiting for Zacky's response. He laughed a little, pausing before choosing his words. "You always say that."
"Yeah," I smiled a little, appreciating him trying to lighten things a little. "I know."
"Shut up. You love performing." He laughed a little again, trying to sound kind of cheery, but I could feel the hurt in his voice.
"Yeah."
"Alright, Gates. I'll be there to pick you up in a little bit."
"Bye, Zacky." I choked out, hanging up quickly before he got the chance to hear me breaking down.

"Oh God," I whined, leaning my head on my hardwood flooring. "Jimmy, you fucker. Why you... Why'd you have to die?" It wasn't long before Pinkly was pawing at my face, as if asking me what was wrong. I looked over, picking her up. I pulled her closely, kissing her soft white fur. My tears fell on her, soaking into her shiny coat. My sweet dog licked my face, and wriggled around in my arms until I let go of her. I didn't want to perform tonight. Not tonight. Long Beach was one of Jimmy's favorite places to perform, and I hated performing here without him. But I knew I was going to end up doing it anyway; I always did. I missed the comfort of his outrageously large smile he always held on his face, and I missed his drunk texts, our serious talks about life, acid trips, everything. I could barely hold it in anymore. I just couldn't. I reached in my pocket, and pulled out the paper I always carried around with me. The last song Jimmy ever wrote. I read, and reread the lines over and over again until the page was soaked in tears. I folded it back up, not wanting to destroy it anymore than I already have. I had to get ahold of myself. He was gone, and not coming back anytime soon. I could tell myself that as many times as I wanted, but it would never make me feel any better. Damn, I really needed to stop being a fucking bitch, I had a fucking great poker face, barely showed any emotion when I was just by myself, but I'd never let myself crumble around the guys. My heavy feeling eyeballs wondered over to the door when I heard thunderous knocking. I leaned back, and took a deep breath. I dried my eyes, and hurried to my feet. When the door opened I was met with Zacky standing before me, holding his guitar. He always brought his guitar to the door with him when he picked me up, but I never understood why.
Zacky stared at me, swallowing hard. "Hey," His voice wavered, and I knew my appearance probably threw him off his already shaky emotional state. We all hated preforming places Jimmy loved. "Are you ready?" He raised his eyebrows, forcing a concerned smile. I nodded, trying to push past him.
"Brian," He put his hand against my chest, and pulled a little on my shirt. "I know you don't want to do this tonight."
"It's no big deal."
"Brian, stop, just let me talk."
"No, you know what? I'm tired of us trying to have these talks. I don't want to do it. I don't want to talk about it." The more I talked, the more my voice raised, and I felt my eyes burning. I choked on my emotions, but continued to stare straight past Zee.
"Brian," He looked down, his hand sliding down my chest until it dropped by my side. Zacky always got weird about feelings, but not this weird. Well, scratch that. Not that concerned. None of us talked about how we felt all that much. He glanced down, and took a heavy breath. "Look at me dammit! Brian, we are all fucked up, but you have to understand WHO we do this for. We do it for him. No one knew him better than you, but we all mattered equally in his eyes." I looked down at him, sniffing.
"Brian, I'll be here for you... I don't know why you think that I'll change the way I look at you if you open up. You're missing most of you life just sitting at home all the time, feeling sorry for yourself. Life moves on... But you seem like you don't care. I'll... I'll be here for you until the end."

I stared at him until he finished speaking, but when the silence returned, it wasn't long before I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I fell into his arms, sobbing loudly. I probably got tears, and snot all over his shirt, but he didn't seem to care. I wheezed, trying to stammer out sentences, words, but nothing could form. Zacky pulled me closer, setting down his guitar.
"W-What?" I managed to squeak out.
"I'll be here. Until the end, Brian. I'll be here for you."

Notes