* Joana POV *

After some days I really felt like living in a big family. I was helping them as good as I can. And thanks to Patrick & Brian I felt much better. I really thought that this working process finally started which was a good sign. Maybe I would be this happy girl again before all this drama began.

Lisa, Patrick & the kids were on their way to get some stuff for tonight. A new year’s party was planned and I thought to make one of my favorite salads for all of them. I felt pretty good around here – they treated me like my real family should have. Only things I heard from them were just complaints about my person: ‘Your cousin just started university’, ‘Your cousin does have a boyfriend’, etc. I felt under pressure to make my family only happy when I could be like my cousin. I tried to escape that but instead I choose the wrong way that lead somehow to a kind of depression.

I never did and never wanted it. I am who I am – but I never got anything right. Now I got in touch with some nice persons again – had wonderful people in Huntington Beach and a husband that was pissed off at me. I couldn’t blame him for saying things like that – but right now he was just overreacting. Nothing happened and it will never happen again.
Though I was still dreaming about the kiss at the wedding. I probably shouldn’t have done it – but I felt like I had to. I didn’t even feel guilty actually – though I had to, right? I tried to get him out of my head – out of my dreams – but hard when he was around all the time. I wanted to get him out of my life but I felt so good around him, I felt secure and he was really helping me through a bad time. Something that Aidan never did. He actually saw me smiling and thought I would be happy but never looked behind that mask I was wearing.

While he was doing some dishes I decided to be lazy and watching TV. The last time I heard people talking Afrikaans it was during the World Cup 2010. I had been watching the matches with Brian on the sofa and even made some jokes how funny that language sounds like sometimes. Even it was somehow close to German I couldn’t really figure out anything.
Through all the zapping I noticed that they were showing the same crap that I saw almost every day in the states. I knew why I tried to watch TV most of the time. So I turned it off and checked my mails instead.

Hey my love,
I am really sorry that I got back to you so late. I am not sure if Aidan was talking to you again. I have seen him some days ago. I couldn’t believe it of what he said. Do not worry love, I told him that he should better trust you. I guess he is just sad that you are so far away again. You know him. So that you do not hear it from anyone else, I am with Chris. Yes you heard me right. We tried to keep it a little secret but it didn’t really work out for that long.. Have some good time and if you need someone – get in touch with me.
Love, Gwen xoxo

I almost guessed that. I was so happy for her. They really made a very cute couple. I wished them all the best. If someone was deserving it then it was my best friend Gwen. I just wrote back a short notice that I’m quite happy for them – that all is good right now and that I was looking forward for tonight. I really expected some great party since they invited a lot of people.
A little distraction from all this life is going to be the best idea right now.

“Are you sure I shouldn’t help you with something?”
“Sweet, you stay on the couch. I join you in a minute ok.”

As he passed he kissed my head shortly and continued.
Brian behaved like this since the day I revealed my past. He has been like a little candy – a gentleman and tried to be close to me. I still felt good but I promised myself to stop him when it was going too far when the feelings would actually let me.

I took my computer and tried to work on something but that man around me was it making really hard to focus on something.

“Can’t you join me?!” I whined.

I was doing my puppy face and used all my charm to get his over here.

“Give me a minute. Do you want to have some tea?”
“Herbal tea, thanks.”

I liked to use my charm every now and then to get what I wanted, though I would never use Brian for my needs. He was a good-hearted man that loved to do things for the persons they accepted and respected him. And for some reason I believed that he was still feeling something for me, even when we broke up 3 years ago.
Only three minutes later he joined me on the couch, reached me my cup of tea and looked at me pretty worried.

“Don’t tell me something is wrong.”
“All is good thank you. I just needed someone on the couch with me. I can’t really focus on my work right now. So why not asking you to join me. You will believe me, being lazy is so good actually” I put on a bright smile leaning my head a bit against his shoulder.

“I have heard some people talking about being lazy. They say it is quite addicting but feels great” he added to our conversation.

So great having a silly friend beside me who never would be complaining about what I do or who I spend my time with. That has been a really good side about Brian. He did not judge me about people I was going out with. Even when it would be my ex – boyfriend. I really couldn’t understand Aidan in that situation at all. He should trust me a little more, believe in my feelings. After all I gave him my word at our wedding.

“Why don’t we start an experiment to get our own opinion about this” I suggested.

I turned my head around and saw him smiling at me. A beautiful smile. It was really addictive. I remembered that this smile often helped me to feel better again. When I was feeling really bad and had a bad day at work I came home and saw him smiling like this everything has been forgotten.

“When do you want go back actually?” he changed the subject into something more serious.
“I really do not know. At least I will be here until her last day and then probably staying a little bit longer then. You know you can leave any time, Brian.”
“Do not even think about this. I stay with you and I promised you that. Plus Steve would get angry when I would come back without you.”

Brian got some closer to me. I didn’t move myself away from this. I just let it happen right now.

“Thank you very much” I almost whispered while looking into those eyes.

I nodded. That’s how we mostly spend our afternoon. We were on the couch – talking and he tried to get closer from time to time. How long could I just stand that?! My heart was pounding fast in my chest while my mind was screaming. Just for him right now. Aidan seemed already forgotten. He had his own little problems right now – and I didn’t want to think about this actually. If he couldn’t trust me – why bothering about him any longer.

The last couple arrived finally at 10pm and the party was about to start now. Lisa’s kids were now in bed since 1 hour and I helped them with the preparations for the salad and BBQ while Brian was with 2 guys. We smiled at each other now and then. He really looked great with his black shirt and black trousers. The classy style really suited him – he should try this a bit more. He actually looked great in almost everything but in a suit he had his sexy charm.
While I was choosing just one pair of jeans with a black top and white bolero. I liked the casual way even though the men kept making me compliments. It was sweet to get them but I didn’t care too much. My eyes were hanging on Lisa that started to flirt with Brian again. Her fingers were touching his arm and hip quite too often for my taste. I wasn’t really sure why I was the one that got angry about this. Her man was just standing a few metres away from her while she was seducing the next man already. It made me sick to see that but there were some people that never would change really. She stayed the flirting queen until her last day.

“So the salad is ready? Anything else I can do?”, I asked her.
“Can you get some bottles wine, sparkling wine and champagne?” Lisa asked me in her a really bossy tone.

‘We are 4 persons – so why do we need so much?’
I got a little basket and then she left me alone. Of course she was sitting close to Brian instead to her husband. Patrick was seriously annoyed by that but he didn’t show anything. How could he be living with her under the same roof with this girl cheating?! I felt so sorry for this guy. He deserved something better.

I did not want to waste any time, got all the bottles and suddenly I heard the door closing. What the fuck happened here right now? Do not tell me that Lisa was just doing this?! I knocked and was screaming about some help. But it was too far away from the living room, plus the music is really loud so my screaming wasn’t probably by anyone anyway. And I couldn’t open the door from the inside.
I was literally locked and stuck in this dark, stinking room that was full of many wine bottles and other alcoholic drinks. At least something that would entertain me while waiting for any help.

I sat down on the cold steps and was hoping someone would probably notice my absence.
I looked on my mobile background where a pic of me and Aidan was taken at our wedding. Everything had been so perfect and lovely there, but a lot of things had changed as well. Why couldn’t he just accept it – and stop being so jealous. He was just bringing me more back to Brian, which he obviously enjoyed.
But not only him. I mean I started to kiss him in this room – just to see what I still feel for him. Quite too much for my taste. It would have been better when I would have move on but I couldn’t. My heart was telling me that it is still not over. Brian will play a role in my life again. I just had no idea which part he would be.
Time was passing and no one was really worried about my absence?! I mean she brought me here to get some wine – but no one was waiting about this?! I have no idea how long I already was sitting here. Far too long. That’s for sure.
I wanted to try a last time but before I just could knock again the door was opening. Some green eyes were looking straight into mine.

“What are you doing here?”, Patrick asked.
“Lisa sent me in here to get some wine and I tried to knock to get your attention but I assume no one heard that.”

Seriously, I was a little bit pissed. All had some fun as I could hear all the laughter and music.

“Lisa told us you did not want to spend time with us any longer.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“We already had more than enough in the house bar. It would just have been crazy when you got some more.”

I was so pissed off. My parents had taught me some good behaviour and it wouldn’t be a good time to slap her for this bitchy behaviour just to get closer to Brian. She was already betraying her husband but now getting rid of one of her friends was fairly too much.

“But now I know why she was away for some seconds after you were gone. Now it seriously makes sense.”
“Does she betray you, Patrick?”

Patrick looked down and turned around immediately. I think that reaction was more than clear. He shouldn’t suffer that way. I explained him that I did not want to talk about this to her I will pretend that I changed my mind just now. Only Patrick and Brian should know the truth. Later I would be having a word with her but now it was celebration time. The New Year got already quite close.

When I came back I sat down on the couch with Patrick. Lisa was trying to catch Brian’s hand but he did ignore it and did not answer anything of her actions. She was such a beast – remind me, why did I envy her again?!

A few minutes before midnight we changed the location to outside. I took Brian’s hand and was taking him a few metres away.

“Lisa lied. She asked me to get some bottles wine while they already had enough. When I have been in this room she locked me inside. I was lucky that Patrick have been coming inside. I really would like to go but I will be my sweet little self.”
“Yeah I could imagine this. She is really trying to get me into her bed. She was whispering some dirty stuff into my ear when Patrick was away. The other couple didn’t seem to care. There is nothing that I feel for this girl, never ever.”

He was stroking my cheek, brushed my hair away and when the countdown started he leaned over to kiss me. I couldn’t help than answering it. For one second I opened my eyes and looked at Lisa’s really angry face. He might not be my partner but right now I really enjoyed teasing her.
Though this was not the only reason. I enjoyed kissing him right now – just in this moment while the firework started in the background.

Lisa interrupted the kiss between me and Brian.

“Why the hell are you doing this?” she asked really angry.
“What I do is not your damn business. Your sweet husband is over there. He cares about you – he brought you all the medication – offered his whole life just to be with you. And you are here and flirting obviously with Brian?”
“You have no idea about Patrick and how many times he betrayed me. And why do you care so much when I am with Brian? I thought you both are just ‘friends’.”

She said the right word. Friends. The truth just was that I felt more than normal friendship. Though it was not her business what I felt and what I do. I had to live with the consequences.

“I repeat myself. It is not your business. Seriously I go to bed now. I do not want to talk about this anymore. Good night you all.”
My head was turned down when I was going inside again. I grabbed my phone and went upstairs. A good little girl looked quite different indeed but Aidan hurt me with his last mails. The only thing I wanted was being close to someone. Was that too much to ask for? I kissed Brian now twice and I was afraid where this is going to lead. As soon as I got home I wanted to have my final conversation with Aidan, talking about what happened and his jealousy. All the love feelings were gone and it seems that these 3 years didn’t mean anything anymore.
Brian was following me and just entered the room as well. I was sitting on the bed and looked at him with puppy eyes. I begged him to join me and so he did. He sat down right behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist and I leaned my head against his shoulder again.

“Can’t I just go home?” I whispered.
“Sure darling. I think that is right now the best thing to do.”
“But I can’t leave you behind with all this.”
“Are you seriously scared that I will get weak by this girl? No worry. But are you still feeling something for me? You always said that there is nothing left but after that kiss I think that there is still something.”
“BRIAN, please! I know what I feel.”

I escaped of his hug and turned around.

“I have no idea what to feel. I am happy with Aidan, but he hurt me with this mail. I mean he is so jealous that I am just with you. I do not want to know what would happen when I tell him about the kiss.”
“Will you tell him?”
“Yes, I have to. I have to live with the consequences though. I can’t keep it to myself, even when I wanted to. I promised him to be honest all the time.”
“You always can count on me.”

I took his hand and looked at him. I tried to smile and hold back my tears. Why couldn’t I just escape of all this. I regret a few things I did but I seriously had to think through what I really wanted in my life.

“Thanks.”
I laid down in my bed and watching Brian changing clothes. It was a long time ago that I got that exclusive view of his tattooed body. He was still very attractive and it reminded of some night with him. More and more he took place of my heart again. Though before he laid down in his own bed I offered him some space in mine. Right now I didn’t want to alone right now.

“Are you sure?”, Brian smirked at me.

‘Did he seriously ask that?’

“Yes” I nodded smiling.

He got back to me and I got back into his arms. At least I could enjoy this moment right now – just being someone close without any physical action. I was just lying there – eyes opened and my mind chose to let me think back to the time with him as a couple. I tried with all my power to stop that and just focus on something else right now.

“Are you also still awake?”

I got up a little and looked into his sleepy eyes.

“Well when I wasn’t then I am now again.”

I stick out of my tongue before I placed myself back into his arms.

“Yeah ok it was stupid. But I can’t really get some sleep. There are too many things on my mind.”
“What things?”

My fingers were running through his naked upper body. I know he shaved himself almost everywhere. I somehow always enjoyed that. I did not like men with much facial hair. But why was he suddenly sleeping with no shirt on?! Is he only teasing me or just trying to provoke, which are the same things somehow. I was too confused and mixed with so much emotions right now.

“I think about you dear. Do you really thought I could forget you?! I was like a wreck when you broke up. I wanted to marry darling. The only thing that helped me getting over it was that song I wrote to you. One part of me will always love you – no matter how you will decide.”

All my senses were dizzy I couldn’t think really straight anymore and was just following my heart. I kissed him again but now with some more passion. He answered it more passionately and was pushing me onto my back. He was quite sensitive in his actions. I felt his hands on my hip and moving slowly deeper. Oh it was getting intensive. I wished he would do some more but my mind tried to fight against it. I wasn’t ready for this … yet.
So I stopped him.

“Brian, I am not ready yet. My body says yes, but I can’t do it yet. I feel like betraying my husband, you know. Though I have no idea if he answers to my ‘happy new year’ message that I just sent him before you came in.”
“Sweet, I understand it completely. I never would do something that will be against your own will.”
“Thank you!”

I couldn’t say more. A bit pity, I know. But I couldn’t think much of some words now. I still was a bit shaky. My pulse was still too high and I nearly could hear my heart beating.
My feelings for him were quite intense. Somehow it looked like that I already chosen my future – though my mind was still saying ‘Aidan’.

I cuddled up with him and closed my eyes. It took me some time to get some sleep.

I didn’t look at the time when I woke up but I saw that Brian already got up. So I just took my bathrobe and went downstairs. It was terribly quiet. Too quiet for my taste. When I got to the living room I saw Brian and Patrick sitting next to each other. Happy faces look a bit different.

“What happened?” I asked a bit confused.
“She died! It already happened when you both got up. She got a heart attack and the doctors couldn’t do anything more about this.”

I was shocked! I know I was hating her for flirting with Brian, but would I wish someone then this?! I couldn’t wish this to my worst enemy though I was feeling really sorry for Patrick and the kids.

“Is there anything I could do now for you?”

I kneeled down before Patrick and looked him into his wet eyes. They were looking into nowhere. Just straight but not focusing a point. His wife might betrayed him all the years and even in front of his eyes but he never stopped loving this girl. It might be true love even I wished him he wouldn’t have been hurt that much at the end.

“No. Thank you. God may bless her – even she was sometimes a little …”

I could imagine what he wanted to say, but it was no right timing about this.
My eyes went shortly to Brian who looked down to his hands and seemed a bit embarrassed in this situation. We all couldn’t do anything then just trying to be there for him.

“Where are the kids?”
“My brother was here to get them. It will be better for some days.”
“If there is anything we can do, please let us know, ok?”
“Of course. You both are true sweethearts, and if you allow me to say, you both look great as a couple.”

I was blushing a little when I thought about last night, my feelings and the little flame that started to burn again. Patrick left us alone then and went smoking outside.

“How do you feel?” Brian asked me.
“I don’t know. I am not really sad as I expected in the beginning. Maybe because her last words were bitchy and I just felt hate when I last saw her. I am more worried about Patrick and the kids.”
“Yeah me too! Patrick will make it though. He is a strong guy. Do you want to have some kids in the future?”
“Yeah!”

I was so sad when I thought about Aidan again – what I have done to him. I couldn’t blame him alone for this. He treated me not very nice – but I was being worse. I even almost cheated on him.
I got into the bathroom and just cried my eyes out. I ruined all the fucking relationship. And no one could stop me from saying this to him. He should know the truth – although his answer would be ‘I know you would do that’, because he really might have foreseen that. Just a reason why he never wanted me and Brian together on a trip. God, he was right. I got weak – but maybe I never really loved Aidan. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
I heard him knocking at the door.

“Sweet, are you alright?”

Why couldn’t I turn back the time and just prevent these things? I felt like a little bitch.

“Yes I am.”

I unlocked the door and let him in.

“Why are you crying?”
“I have no idea what I should do know. I mean I am married with Aidan and then kissing you. I feel something for you, yes. And wouldn’t have my mind stopped me then we would have sex last night indeed. Right now I just feel dirty and this not in a good way.”
“Are these feelings for me would be enough for a lifetime? Or do you think it is only a short-term?”
“Probably forever. I don’t know really. I never stopped loving you, you know that. I can’t give you a real statement right now.”
“Take some time. Maybe I should go back alone and leave you for some days that you can think straight again. Would it really help when I am around all the time and making you crazy? It is also hard for me to be a good guy when I see you.”

Maybe it was already too late with Aidan. At least I will tell him what happened and he won’t be amused about this. I couldn’t hold back myself about kissing him again. It felt so damn good when his lips were onto mine.

“I think I will pack my suitcase now.”

Then he left me alone in the bathroom. I was sitting on the cold floor, arms crossed and started thinking about a possible future with one of these men. I still got the mobile phone in my pocked. So I opened my mail programme and saw that Aidan read my message but did not answer it. I wasn’t that important to say ‘Happy New Year’.
Couldn’t be a message any clearer?! I never couldn’t stand people not answering my message – though they have been reading it.

Notes