Warmness on the soul

*Joana’s P.O.V.*

The flight took 2 days and it was a real torture. First we were flying from Los Angeles to Frankfurt, stayed there about 7 hours, and took then our next flight to Johannesburg and after that some hours we were finally in Cape Town. I seriously was a nervous wreck. Even though Brian was sitting next to me the whole time he stopped trying any attempting in kissing or seducing me. But he was sleeping on my shoulder anyway. He looked like a little angel and I remembered that I liked to watch him sleeping when we were still a couple. Brian babbled something too but it was sadly impossible to understand it.

When we got our suitcases I picked up the keys for the car that I rented before the flight. We would probably need it - and I planned some sightseeing while I was here. I wanted to take that opportunity to see more of this beautiful country. I’ve had seen so much on TV or the internet that I wanted to explore it by myself too.
After some hours of driving we arrived the house at 8am really tired and exhausted.

“Hey my sweetheart.”

Lisa was already waiting at the door. I have told her when I will be there but now I was waiting for the response about Brian. They might knew each other from the past but it ended a bit badly for them. He broke up while she tried everything to get him back. It was really sad to watch because she seemed so desperately in love but then she found Patrick and all drama has been forgotten.

“Oh you brought me a lovely hot man.”

‘Oh dear, did you really just say that?’ This can’t be the truth. She was married and started flirting with her High School love while her husband was just about a few metres away?!

“Well I guess you remember about Brian?! I don’t know if you are ok with that because my friends, including him, didn’t want to let me go without someone on my side.”

I kept silent about the fact that I broke up with him about three years ago. Not that it was actually her business anyway. And I wasn’t here to talk about her with my problems anyway. She probably had other things in mind anyway.

“It’s really nice to see you again.”

He was kissing her hand. That was so typically for him. I couldn’t watch this any longer and just got into the house. Her husband, Patrick, was still sleeping while her 2 kids were already running around like crazy. She told me that Ana & Sofia were turning 8 this year. It nearly broke my heart to see the kids so happy, not knowing of what might be coming. At least I hoped someone will be watching over them. When I turned around I saw Brian coming in with Lisa.

I know she was always a free little bird that never wanted to be attached to someone forever. That’s why I didn’t understand why she got married though her kids were so sweet. Aidan and I always wanted to have 2 kids, a house near the sea and a big garden where the kids could play. But I had to wait until this final dream was about to come true.
Though before I wanted to start with anything else I somehow had to tell my husband about the little change. I wasn’t really feeling good about this but since I was always honest to my husband I didn’t want to lie about this. There wasn’t anything going to happen anyway. Plus how could I have foreseen what Stephen was planning?! Hopefully he would see it this way too.

“I am going to prepare the guest room now. So you can get some sleep first. You both look really tired” Lisa said and went upstairs.

I was waiting until the door was closed before I could to talk to Brian about the scene outside of the house.

“What do you think have you been doing there? Are you really starting to flirt with her right now, while her husband is just a few metres away?”

“I beg your pardon?! I only wanted to be nice. That’s all. I consider to be an angel while we are here. I realized how serious this moment is and I don’t intend to refresh anything from the past. You have my word on that.”

“Yeah because you really looked like one outside” I said in my sarcastic voice “But sorry, did you just call yourself an angel? We both know that this isn’t true.”

I pointed with my finger at him – like my Mum used to do that when she was trying to point out my wrongs. Even I thought that this was just funny and a bit too much. I can’t tell someone what to do but why didn’t I want him having an affair with my best friend?! It would be Lisa’s problem but I didn’t like seeing them together. She was having a family and they were under the same roof as me and him.

After she finished we were going upstairs. I really needed some sleep now before I became a bitchy monster. Everything was just annoying me and I got really grumpy.

I didn’t care about that he took his clothes off in front of me. I have been used to that. The same goes for me. I took one old shirt that I was using as sleep shirt and went to the bed that was placed close to the window. I was glad that these beds were separated and I didn’t have to share one with him.

“Life is not treating all people fair”, I mumbled.

“Never, sweetheart. I have lost my grandpa this way. I still remember the day – I was a little kid – when we all were standing before his bed, prayed and still hoped for a wonder. He was my idol. Life is not fair but we die all one day. You need to accept the way and that’s why I am here. I know it is not the best moment – but I will be going through your up and down the next days and weeks.”

There just was this feeling again. It was ONE thing that makes me weak and let me doubt about my decision. He was so humble – he forgot about himself when he could make someone happy instead.

“Thank you! Maybe it was right. Thanks.”

My eyes got heavier and I felt asleep very quickly.

When I got up again Brian was still sleeping. I didn’t want to get him up and it was already … wait 6am?! I have been sleeping an entire day?! My body must have been really tired.

It was actually a good timing to write an email to Aidan. He was probably waiting for a sign already.
So I started my computer and opened my e-mail program.

Hi Aidan,

I’m really sorry for just writing you a message now. Please understand me that I was pretty tired and slept an entire day. And there’s something else you should know. When I was talking with Stephen one last time I met Brian there and both were thinking that it would be better when I’m here with someone instead of going through that alone. I’ve had no choice actually. So don’t kill me for that! You can trust me.
Love you xoxox

Then I closed my Laptop and went downstairs. I saw that Patrick already got up. Pretty early I think.

“You are up very early, Patrick” I whispered.

“Yeah I couldn’t find some sleep really. It is really bothering me, you know. The doctors really don’t see any chances – they stopped the whole treatment, so she can spend her last days with the family.”
“How are you coping with all this?”

My hand was on his shoulder and I looked at him really worried. I only could imagine how he must feel. After her death he would be alone with these two kids. Not a really easy situation I imagine.

“I was quite sad when we got the news. But now I really accepted my faith and can live halfway with the fact that she will be gone soon. No one would live forever and better to accept this. We enjoy the last days of her life I try to make it as good as I can.”

I was brought to tears. Oh my god. He knew what would be coming and then remaining so calm. He surely got all my respect for that.

“I really respect that. I couldn’t be like you in this damn situation. I know Lisa since my childhood. We have been doing silly stuff, talked about our love lives and I always envied her about her life. Now I ask myself why has she been diagnosed with cancer? Why not me? She has such a great life – a husband, kids and a wonderful job.”

I heard someone coming downstairs and saw Brian quite shocked. He must have heard my words. Also Patrick was quite shocked, but I really had my reasons why I wished that the roles would be exchanged right now.

“What … did … you … say?” he started stuttering.
“Brian, please let me explain later, ok.”

I was nearly crying. No one had an idea how it looked deep inside of me. Really no one. I was playing the happy woman but the truth was that I wasn’t happy at all.

“Yeah I would like to know why you think like that.”

I was pointing at the place next to me. Maybe I shouldn’t wait any longer and should start telling my story someone. Brian sat down and seemed still quite worried. Both had no idea what might was coming now.

“The whole thing started many years ago. I never had a really good childhood – my parents never supported me and when I had some problems at school they were just fucking blaming me. That was the time when I started to hurt myself. All my friends moved to other places and one day I was just on my own. I never was really lucky in finding a good job – then people I talked with just used me to get in touch with certain persons. At this point I didn’t want to live anymore – I really had in mind to kill myself somehow. Then my friend died. I was quite desperate – but never accepted any help. I just tried not to think about this anymore. I never got over this and I still have the feeling that I do not deserve this – a great husband and that’s why I left you Brian. I think that you might deserve someone better. Why being with someone who has a problem?!”

Patrick gave me a tissue and I just started to cry. No one knew about this story – and the first ones I talked with was Brian & Patrick, although it should be Aidan. Brian was wrapping his arms around me to give me some comfort while my head was lying on his chest to let my emotions come out. It was just about time.

“Shhht … Just let it out. You will feel better.”

And I surely did. I suddenly felt free. Most of my sorrows were gone and it was a good step to start the life into the right direction again. I should set a reminder for myself to invite Stephen for lunch as soon as I’m back. Anyway it was his idea that Brian comes along with me.

“I will make some breakfast. Just rest a little bit” Patrick said and got up.

That time the kids were running downstairs and being crazy. Maybe I should be like one again – just do not think much and enjoy my life a bit more. Kids were a good example that life can be fun too. I tried to stay tough for the kids, brushed my tears away and got up a little.
I hugged the kids and got Ana on my lap. Her curly hair were tickling my face a little and she was showing me her new drawing. She really was talented – maybe a new Picasso one day.

“How do you want your eggs, Joana?” Patrick asked.
“No eggs for me please, Patrick. I just want to have toast and that’s enough. Thank you.”

A little smile appeared on my face – a real smile - the first time after years. I made the first step – now it was about time to make the other steps one by one.
*Aidan POV*

I never have been a good person by getting up very early, but that’s what the trainer commanded. It was just close to another National match. So I also looked forward to see Chris finally again. He has been so busy that he not even could answer my phone calls. How could be one guy so busy – especially when he was in no relationship – as I was?
After I looked like a human again I had some time to check my mails on the phone and was totally surprised by reading my wife’s mail.

She was with Brian then. Oh did she finally found some courage to tell me?! It was already embarrassing enough how she reacted when I asked if Brian might be coming with her.
I had no idea if I should be angry or still act normal after I felt that she lied to me. Of course she was blaming her boss for that – but she also knew that I would never ask him to find out the truth. Very tricky, lovely lady.

It is probably better when we first do not talk to each other. I don’t have the nerves for the conversations and not really into your explanation. Find yourself in these weeks and we talk face to face when you are here again.Bye.

I needed my strength now for the training and the game in 2 days. Of course I missed her and maybe I was overreacting but surely sick of the subject ‘Brian’. That guy was dangerous for the relationship and just started to destroy it. Applause for the man with the guitar, the selfish little brat that will try everything to get what he wants. He got me so angry. Congratulation, you got what you want finally.

I got into my car and was driving as fast as I could. I already was a bit late because that answer took some time. I couldn’t even find some time to drink a coffee or eat something. Be aware guys. Aidan will be a little bitch today. You can send your greetings to the guy in South Africa or my wife. You can decide.

Chris was waiting at the gate for me. He did not look quite amused about my arrival. I just didn’t need someone now who was pointing out what I have done wrong.

“Finally you arrive. Joana should be gone for some days and you still arrive late. Did you got yourself some nice presents last night?”

Chris raised one eye brow and expecting an answer like ‘oh yes I was so dirty – go spank me for that’.

“Nope. I am alone – you know that. What I couldn’t really tell about you.”
“Why are you so pissed off? I just teased you, bro. No reason to get mad at me.”

I just waved with my hand that he better stopped with this thing now. I had no time to talk about this nor did I have some strength. These things could wait a bit longer I suppose.

The training was going fine. A bit brutal at the end – but I survived it. I grabbed my water bottle and joined the guys on the bench.

“So Chris, who is distracting your mind right now?! We all want to know”, Jared started the conversation.
“No one. I am just … busy you know. People, who want me and not in any sexual way.”
“You just pointed it out, man”, Sean laughed.
“I did not, Mr I-move-my-hips-when-I-want-Sean”
“You really could admit it”, Sean goes on.
“What? I mean I would do if there would be something, but there is not.”

I felt that he was really annoyed by all the comments of the boys. Though I felt that there was something going on. When he went to the dressing room I had to follow him but I tried to be quiet. Maybe things will be come up when he has no idea that someone was listening.

Indeed. He was taking his phone and dialled a number.

“Sweet, it is me” – “Do you have anything else planned for today?” – “Good. Would you like to meet for a coffee?” – “See ya then at “Brasileira” in one hour. See ya babe.”

I knew it. Chris had a date and just denied this in front of all his team mates. Wait up, little dirty bastard, it will come out sooner or later. And I will take some photos. No one escapes so easily. Not when someone keeps dirty secrets.

I went back to the other guys who were still talking about Chris new hobby. Kind of amusing to listen to all this stuff. It distracted me for some time – time where I do not had to think about my future.

“Guys, you will know the answer soon. I have found a good way. I can’t say much now, but you will all see by tomorrow. I am sure of that.”
“Aidan, there is no training tomorrow. We rest until the game in 2 days”, Sean just looked at me kind of surprised.
“Ooops. Ok I will email you the pics, ok?”
“Are you going to follow him to his bedroom? If so we are not interested to see that stuff”, Sean laughed.
“You are a little pervert, Sean boy.”

No one couldn’t hold back their laughter. Only Sean looked kind of embarrassed. Did I hit the wrong side now?!

“He is going to catch up with someone. It sounds like a girl. So I keep you all up to date. But I can’t talk any longer – I have a mission to do.”

Actually I had to hurry up a little. The traffic of Huntington Beach was quite chaotic close to noon. And they were already catching up in 30 minutes. Time passes by so fast. I was just thinking about Joana again. I could not even understand why she couldn’t be honest with me. Does she still love me or was she just someone who was holding onto something that wasn’t real. These kind of things popped into my head just now.

When I finally found the café they were going to meet I just had to find a fucking parking lot. People were trying to challenge me today. It already started with the mail and now I was stalking one of my best friends – just because he was too bitchy to tell us the whole truth.

It took me 10 minutes just to find one. Unbelievable. Huntington Beach should really do something that people are less stressed about finding a free parking lot.
I tried to be careful I really had to make myself sure that no one will see me or that Chris is spotting me. Otherwise it will be just ruined. It already was – in fact. I mean stalking a friend just to find out his truth wasn’t a really nice way. But we had no other choice.

Was that … Gwen next to Chris?! Didn’t she say at the wedding that they were no item?! Indeed it was really her. She kind of dressed herself very sexy. I must admit – she was a really good looking woman – no wonder why Chris has fallen in love with her.
I was taking a few pics for the boys with my phone. But now it just made some sense why she was reacting so grumpy that Chris couldn’t be there with her.

I had to go now to them. I tried to act cool just pretended it was a surprise that I see them together. Though it probably looked strange for them. Especially for Chris after our conversation after the training.

“Chris? Gwen?” I looked surprise.

I really hoped my acting was good enough to make them believe I was really surprised about seeing this. It actually was … but coincidences happen, right?!

“Aidan, did you follow me?”

I probably wasn’t good as I hoped.

“Maybe” I blushed a little. “But we were really curious about this special thing. Why couldn’t you just share it with us?!”
“It just should have been a little secret. See, Gwen & I know each other now a few weeks. We first really met some weeks before your wedding. It was all so new to us. You know I am not a guy that reveals everything from the first second. You just had to learn be more patient.”
“Maybe, but you know we are your friends that actually have no secrets”
“Maybe yes.” Chris laughed. “But understand my private life, Aidan. What about you and Joana now. You have been a little bit bitchy this morning. I hope it already changed it.”
“Not really. I got a mail this morning saying she is with Brian and that Stephen told her something like this. I really don’t believe this shit. Actually I don’t want to talk about her right now. I would just hear some excuses. I am not able to do that right now.”
“God you loved that woman weeks ago and now you changed it. What happened at the honeymoon, man?”
“Nothing! All was perfect until she got that email from this friend from South Africa. Who knows that her friend is that sick as she says?”
“FUCKING STOP”, Gwen yelled. “I talked with her before she was going to the Radio. You can ask Natalie as well. And Joana is not a person that comes up with fake stories. You already should know that. Trust her a bit more.”

WOW! What happened to Gwen?! Even Chris looked at her a bit surprised. That she would using that tune against me was completely new … for all of us.

“Ok Ok. I will talk to her again, but I am annoyed about her ex on her side.”
“Annoyed or jealous? Joana won’t betray you, be sure of that. But accept that he is one of her best friends now, no matter if they dated each other before or not. It didn’t happen for the last time that they might be working together. It is about the trust. If you don’t trust her – it never will work really out. Think about that.”

Notes