I hated the way I reacted earlier. I knew Matt and Johnny didn't mean anything that they said but I was so stressed at the moment. I couldn't help snapping at them the way I did. I guess Zacky thought he had done something wrong but the true thing I can't handle hiding this secret any more. It's causing a lot of trouble. But I don't think they can handle it right now. Not considering that we all only lost Jimmy a year ago. How are they gonna handle the fact that they may loose another brother at any time? I don't want them to have to deal with that so soon after Jimmy. They didn't deserve this, none of us did. If Jimmy was still here then maybe I would be fine and I wouldn't have to leave the people I love. I don't know what me and Jimmy did to deserve this. All we wanted in life was to live our dream with our best friends but slowly one by one God was taking us away from each other. I don't believe in God but this can't just be a coincidence that we lose one brother and at any moment there is a chance of loosing another.

After I left the guys I went to see my doctor to see if there was a way for it to have hopefully gone away but I knew I wouldn't be that lucky. I was stuck with it, well until it killed me, I had been for the last five years. I just prayed that I'd be able to grow old with Zacky by my side. But I knew that would never happen. I guess I'd have to leave this world before Zacky. I'd never see him until he joined me in the afterlife. That fact killed me more than what was truthfully killing me slowly.

I couldn't wait for this to all finally be over, but I knew as soon as that happened it would only cause more suffering for the people I love and I can't bare for that to happen.

It was around two in the morning and I was just sat on the beach looking up at the clear night sky and the thousands of stars that were up there. I was told by my mom when I was a little boy that all the people we love that had left us were one of the shiny stars in the night sky and that they were looking down on us watching what we did. Looking back at that memory I realised just how weird it was but how else do you explain, to a five year old boy, where the people he loved went when they wasn't around any more. As I looked at the stars my thoughts went to what the doctor had told me earlier that day.

“I'm so sorry Mr. Haner but we've done all we can for now.”

I looked at him not wanting to believe him at first, I had lived with his for five years now just to find out that they now can't do any more for me.

“I'm sorry again Mr. Haner. If I were you I'd start telling people now. I know you don't want to but it's best they will be there for you and I'm sure your fans will support you and understand.”

“Thanks Doc.” I forced a smile before standing and shaking his hand. I walked out for the room and all I could think about was how am I going to tell Zack and everyone else I love?

I sat on the beach for about an other hour thinking of ways to tell everyone. I thought of how the fans would react to the news about me. I know they'd stick by us no matter what we did but this was something too big. Knowing that they too had only lost Jimmy a year ago, this would be hard to find out as well. That's why I didn't want to tell anyone about it but if it wasn't going away any time soon then they deserved to know the truth.

I, Brian Elwin Haner Jr a.k.a Synyster Gates has leukaemia and it's going to be the death of me.