I looked at the time on my phone seeing that it said it was around 3:30am. Shit.

If Zacky wasn't asleep he'd be worried about me and that he had done something to me.

I got up and headed back to my car and started the drive back to our house.

As I walked through the door I was greeted by our three dogs. Pinkly, Ichabod or Icky for short and Majesty. I stroked them before I walked up to mine and Zack's room.

I smiled once I walked through the door and smiled more when I saw him sleeping peacefully.

I got changed into some sweat pants and carefully climbed into our bed trying not to wake him. I pulled Zacky close to my chest and smiled before falling asleep with the person who means the world to me.

Zacky's POV

I woke up to the smell of coffee and pancakes. I rolled over to see if Brian had come home at some point but I couldn't tell. I mean the pillow smelt of him and his side of the bed wasn't made but that could have been because of me last night. I know Johnny took after Jimmy with his cooking skills, Matt was ok with toast and burgers but that's about it, so that left Val or Brian. If it was Val, Matt would be here but I couldn't hear him. So that meant that by some chance that Brian did come home last night.

I hadn't realised that the bedroom door had opened and that Brian had walked in with chocolate covered pancakes and coffee. Until I felt his soft lips on my cheek before they moved to my lips. I kissed him back and took the tray of food out of his hands and placed it on the bedside table. He moved his lips to my neck and ran one of his hands through my hair. This was one of his ways to say 'I'm sorry' I don't mind it at all. I'm just happy he's back in my arms. I don't know what I'd do without him in my life.

He bit my neck knowing that it was one of the few things I loved him doing to me.

“Brian?” I let out a shaky breath.

“Mmmm yes baby?” He mumbled against my neck.

“I love you” I said as he pulled my shirt off.

“I love you too baby.” He mumbled kissing his way down my chest “Don't ever forget that Zee”

I thought about what he had just said. He knows I'd never forget that he loves me. How could I?

I pushed him away gently and looked in chocolate colored eyes.

“Bri how could I ever forget that you love me?”

“Zee baby, there's something I need to tell you” He looked away from me.

“Bri you're scaring me here”

“Zack, I don't know how to tell you this b-b-b-but”

I was getting annoyed with him. I was thinking the worst thing I could right now.

He's been cheating on me.

“You've been seeing someone else haven't you. What am I not good enough for you any more?” I looked at him with tears flowing down my cheeks.

“What? No! Zack I could never love someone but you. You mean the world to me.” He wiped the tears away with his thumbs and looked in my eyes.

“Then what is it?”

“Zack. I-I-I-I have leukaemia. The doctor can't do anything more for me. They can't say how much longer I'm going to be able to live with it. Before it's too much for my body to handle. I love you” He looked away with tears threatening to fall.

“Bri, why didn't you tell me sooner? How long have you know?” I said as the tears fell again.

“I didn't know how to tell you. I've known about it for five yeas today.”

I looked at him and couldn't believe it.

“You knew when Jimmy died that you would too. You're gonna leave me like Jimmy did to Johnny aren't you?”

“Zee please-” I cut him off shaking my head.

“No” I got up off the bed and grabbed some clothes to get changed into before going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind me and locking it.

I took my razor blade I had hidden from Brian and cut my right wrist. Something I haven't done for a while. The first time I had ever cut myself was when I was fifteen. My dad had gotten drunk and high. I sat and watched the blood flow freely. I remember the first time I ever did this.

*Flashback*

I came home Friday night slightly later then usual.

I had been with Jimmy, Johnny, Matt, Val, Brian and Michelle. We had all gone to Matt's to watch a few movies.

We were on out fifth film when I looked at the time seeing that it was 11:30pm and dad always told me to be home by 11:00pm and no later.

“Shit. Sorry guys I gotta go.” I said standing up.

“I'll walk with you Zee” Brian smiled at me.

We said our goodbyes to the others and walked to my house in silence.

We got to the porch when Brian leaned in and kissed me. I wasn't sure what to do but I soon found myself kissing him back.

The front door was suddenly swung open revealing my dad, who you could tell was drunk and high.

“Zachary James Baker get in here now!” He yelled at me.

“Bye Bri” I whispered before my dad dragged me by the back of my shirt and slammed the door in Brian's face.

“You fucking faggot” He punched me in my jaw them my stomach.

“Dad please. I'm sorry” I begged him.

“Shut up!” He shouted at me as he pushed me up against the wall and slammed my head against it a few times.

I felt blood running down the back of my head. My vision blurred but the last thing I saw was my dad taking his belt off and undoing his pants. I backed out at that point.

I opened my eyes to see that I was still in the hallway. I got up slowly, my muscles were aching so much it felt like I had been hit by a fucking bus.

I slowly made my way to the living room to see my dad passed out on the couch.

I went to the bathroom and found a razor blade. I ran it across my right arm, then my left. I sat and watched the blood flow rapidly out of the cuts on my arms. The pain helped me forget what the man I call my father did to me.

I'm sixteen and my own father raped me because I'm bi.

*End flashback*

I had cut a few more times since then but not as bad. I hadn't done it since Jimmy passed. Well that was until now.

I sat watching the blood running down my arms and onto the white tiled floor of the bathroom.

I waited a little while longer before I cleaned the cuts and bandaged my arms up. I cleaned the floor so Brian wouldn't notice. I got dressed thankful that I had brought a hoodie with me.

I went out of the bathroom thinking Brian would be there but he wasn't. I saw a note on my pillow saying that he had got to take the dogs for a walk and that he was sorry.

I let the tears flow freely as I laid on my side of the bed with my back to the door.

Brian had managed to tell me what was wring with him and maybe I could have handled it better but I didn't.

I guess it was time for me to tell him what had truly happened after he kissed me for the first and only time until we were nineteen.

He needed to know that my father raped me and that I self harm and occasionally still do.