Help Me Fly

I didn’t remember leaving. I don’t remember boarding the plane. I don’t remember take off or landing. I do remember my heart wanted to explode out of my chest for everyone to see the pain it was in as we got closer to our home. This was not my home. It was our home. It always will be. I was in what felt like a zombie state. No movement. Blank expression.
Staring down at my hands. At my wedding ring. Or at my tattoo on my inner right wrist. It was an eye I had sketched up and the color was the color of my husband. I had mine on my left. I got it done so I could feel like he was always watching me.

The heavy weight on my chest seemed to be pushing me down as we got closer. I was in the back seat next to Jimmy. Brian was driving, Shadows had shot gun. We had just turned onto my street. Only a couple of minutes and we would be in the driveway. We lived in the country, but not to far out. We were about 10 minutes away form a major road. We lived on a street that was only big enough for one car, to pass another going the opposite way we both would have to get off the road.

Looking up, I saw our home. He was there waiting for me to return for him. I felt my heart rapidly beating, wanting to be let free. My breath seemed to stop. My hands were shaking. I had to see him.

I grabbed onto Jimmy’s arm alerting him.

“Ivy, its okay. Were pulling in now.”

I had hoped he knew I wanted Brian to drive faster. The quicker I got there that better I would feel. I know I would feel like a druggie getting a fix after detox, a high I longed for, just by holding his ashes in my arms, on our bed.

Pulling into the long drive way, you could catch a glimpse of the house from the road, but all the shrubbery and trees we planted limited view of it. Hearing the crunching of the gravel driveway I leaned over Jimmy’s lap to see our home. I was here. I knew he was calling for me, begging me not to leave him again. Jerking my seat belt off before Brian had stopped fully, just slowed down I bolted out of the door. Around the back of the SUV and to the front door. Ramming my key in both locks I felt a ringing in my ear, heard heavy footsteps. Panting of the guys who had to run to catch up with me. I smiled as I finally got the damn door to unlock. Always a problem with old houses.

Throwing the door open I left all them on the porch and bolted in the house. Past the kitchen. Past my art room. Our already decorated when we first bought the house, the baby room. Finally I was where I knew he was waiting. I felt my body tremble. My throat filled with saliva that I thought was long gone form my body. I stepped in our bedroom. There he sat.
In his beautifully custom urn. Black marble with Egyptian hieroglyphs that spelled out our names together. He loved Egyptian history. I drew a life size Anubis next to the front door for when people would walk in.

I felt as if he was with me, standing next to me. Waiting to see what I would do. I was home. I felt the weight off my shoulders go away. Life a long over breath that had been held to the last millisecond. Walking to him, I grabbed his urn, and held him. I cried. I screamed. I felt my voice was back. I held onto him as if he was still here and I knew he would be leaving me again.

The pain I had felt the past few months had come back to me ten fold. I didn’t care that they all could hear me, I was home and I was not leaving. Brian would have to kill me to get me to leave. Holding my fallen love I laid on our bed, on his side. With him on his pillow I laid my head next to him. I know it looks morbid but I did not care. I wanted to be here. My baby needed to be here.

I was done screaming. I was just crying now. I saw that someone was walking down the hall towards our room. Probably to see if I was still alive.

Standing at the door, was my older brother. The one I had so wanted to hurt for taking me away. The one I felt like a burden to. I just looked at him, I know he saw he pain in my eyes. I saw the tears on his face. He slowly stepped in.

“I am truly sorry for doing this to you.” He spoke softly. He didn’t move any further, did not sit any where. Just looked at me. Holding my husband on our bed. This house was a mess. I have to lean so he will be happy in his plane. I know he hadn't moved on. I had felt little things, or smelt his favorite cologne when I hadn't expected to.

“I know.” I spoke to my brother. His eyes widen, more tears came. He walked to me as I lifted up and hugged him. I felt my hole body releasing everything I had built up over the past now five months. I hadn't seen that we had an audience.

“I didn’t mean to leave him. I was afraid he would move on without me. I still need him here with me.” The words I had spoken were soft, almost a whisper.

“I know you didn’t. And you damn well he is with you. He wont move on until he is ready, and knows you are safe with me.” Brian was very understanding when I told him at the age of eight that I didn’t believe in ‘baby Jesus’ on Christmas night. He was thirteen and thought I was weird. When I turned thirteen I told him my new faith, and again he thought I was weird. But he supported me and learned along with me.

"I didn’t know it would hurt this much, to loose him.” I just cried. He just held me. Always protecting me. Making sure I was taken care of over the years. I do not know how long we were there. But I did find it funny that his eye liner was running and mine was not. Since I did not wear make up anymore. What was the point? Who was I trying to impress?
I did hear the soft voice of johnny behind us at the door.

“Guys, its getting late. We missed the flight.”

“Its okay. You all can stay here.” I had whispered to Brian. I was not ready to talk around the others.

“We can stay here.”

Moving away from my older brother I placed my hubby back in his rightful place. A thick heavy shelf above our bed. Smiling at him I gave a soft kiss, whispered ‘ich liebe dich’ to him.

Walking to Johnny I gave him a hug and a smile and walked to the kitchen. I know these boys are hungry. I wonder if I had any food here. I would assume that some of it was bad. Grabbing the trashcan I opened the fridge and freezer and proceed to dump out what I knew had spoiled. It wasn't much, yogurt milk, cream cheese. All the other stuff seemed okay.

Looking in the panrty I saw what I wanted to make. I walked over to Brian and whispered into his ear to see if that was okay as dinner. His eyes lit up.

“I haven't had that in years! Are you sure? You know that we can get take out.” The other guys looked a little curious as to what I was going to make. I knew from past experience that loved my cooking.

Shaking my head yes with a smile I grabbed a piece of paper as I wrote on it what I needed.

“So I have to go to the store?” He asked with a knowing tone.

I smiled, and gave him the paper. I began on some of the ingredients that I did have. I only saw him leave with a few of the guys. Shadows was still here. I guess they are afraid to leave me along in our own home.

“So what are you making?” He sneaked a peak over my shoulder, trying to make out what little ingredients I had.

I just shook my head. Not even looking at him. There wasn't much left for me to do. I really did not have all that I needed. Damn, so I walked to the stereo mounted under the cabinets and turned it on.

“Hilf Mir Fliegen” started to play. So that’s where my iPod was. It was still hooked up to the stereo. I loved this song. I often sang it to my hubby. I did speak some German, and taught him a few things. Well only two or three. ‘I love you’ ‘hello’ good night’ that was all he could pick up. I smiled at remembering his trying to say I love you. It came out as ‘itch buden dick.’ I know he did it on purpose to make me laugh, he always did. I pulled out of my train of thought as Shadows opened my fridge and got into the bottom drawer where the beer was kept.

It never bothered me that when they would all come here they helped them selves. I always told them to, they did it when we were growing up. Jimmy helped himself to my face cream and a night gown of mine when I was 16. My laughter scared Shadows. Nearly dropping his beer, he leaned his head down to look at me face.

“You just laughed, with sound.” I laughed again and shook my head.

“Can you talk? Are you ready for that?” I grabbed some more paper again, I swear poor trees.

‘I talked with Brian upstairs. But I am so sorry I cannot bring my self to talk to the rest of you. Well maybe them. It hard to explain. So please do not say anything and listen’ after he finished he looked at me as I opened my mouth, I sang. As if George was here with me.

“Komm und hilf mir fliegen
Leih mir deine Flügel
Ich tausch' sie gegen die Welt
Gegen alles, was mich hält
Ich tausch' sie heute Nacht
Gegen alles, was ich hab”

It cam out in a soft whisper. But I still did it. He looked as shocked. Like Brian had. I wanted him to say something, I know he knew what that song was. I sang it constantly when I was younger. He still hadn't spoke, he just hugged me. I smiled. I felt safe here. I always felt safe at our home, and now even more with Shadows and my brother here. The guys were an added bonus.

I felt his lips on my forehead. A soft kiss he always gave me. It drove me crazy when I had a crush on him as a teenager. But now I know that it is love for a dear friend. They all were my brothers.

Humming the song, I felt us start to sway back and forth to the soft tunes. I did not however hear the crunching of gravel in the drive way. The song had been put on repeat so many months ago, and still was. I think it played at least eight times. Well I think eight times. So when I door opened up, neither of us moved. Or when Jimmy walked in carrying Johnny over his shoulders.

“Um, guys? Everything okay?” Jimmy sounded a little shocked.

“Whats going on! I wanna see.” Johnny had asked, but he should'nt not have. As Jimmy swung him around his head came in contact with my fridge. I laughed, Jimmy dropped Johnny and took one giant step to me.

“You spoke!”

“Ow, my ass. Jimmy, man that hurt. Why- wait she spoke?” Johnny was next to me as well, Shadows got pushed away. I saw him smile, and Brian walked in with his hands full of bags as he laughed.

“She laughed guys. She made a noise.” Brian knew I didn’t want to speak fully yet. But he did not know that I sang. I believe Shadows can read my mind, as soon as I thought that his eyes lit up. I quickly shook my head no at him. Please no.

“All she can do now guys is laugh that squeak of hers.” Brian explained as he began to unload the groceries. Grunting at him, I nodded my head.

“And grunt apparently.” Zacky followed with a case of beer. Really, beer? I have beer here?

Standing in front of him with my hands on my hips I nodded my head to the box in his hands. Waiting for an explanation.

“We were not sure if you had any, so we grab a box. Its only a few.” Poor guy looked scared of the mute.

“Ya, Ivy it'll be gone by morning. We promise.” Johnny laied an arm on my shoulders, trying to give me a puppy dog pout. He really was short, he was my height. I just patted him on the head. Looking at Brian, I gestured to the beer.

“He’s right, it will be gone by morning. And besides the beer you drink is pussy beer.” I mocked a face of shock. And with my exhibit ‘A’ pointed to the bottle that Shadows was currently chugging.

“Dude, how can you drink that shit?” Zacky scrunched up his face in disgust.

“It’s flavored, and taste good. Plus it liquor. With all do respect Ivy, I need liquor right now.” I had no clue what he meant. Looking at Brian he just shrugged his shoulders. Doing the same I began to make dinner. After I pushed everyone of them out of my kitchen.

After an hour of making sure my chili was with all its ingredients in the crock pot, I left it alone on the kitchen counter. Walking a few feet to the living room, the guys had drug out george's XBOX. That was his, he loved playing that. I just stared at the screen.

"Ivy, we can turn it off." Brian had stood up after he paused the game to turn the counsel off. I stopped him and shook my head no. George would have hated for it to go to waste.

"Are you sure. we can watch a movie." Grabbing my pad of paper i stuck in my back pocket i wrote.

'Go ahead, he wouldn't want the money to go to waste. I will be in The Blue Room.'

"Okay, wait. Any new creations lately?"

'The Blue Room' was also my art room. I did a lot of work in there. It was my little haven. Grabbing his hand I pulled him to my sanctuary, being followed by the others. Minus Jimmy and Johnny who snuck into the kitchen.

"WOW." He seemed shocked. They all knew I loved art, and had a knack for it. MY blue room I had made into my 'world of music' I drew along the top of the wall by the ceiling music notes to a song. It went all around the room. Each wall had a different instrument, and the notes to the instrument were above it by the ceiling. When all played together it played out "In Die Nacht"

I even had a few portraits drew on the wall. Each instrument had a bust drawing, from the shoulders up, of the guys. I even put in the tattoos they all had. Matt was the only one not on here. I saw no where to draw a microphone.

"Holy shit. Ivy this is amazing." Zacky was looking at the one i did of him.

"Where am I?" I knew he would ask that. So again, more paper.

'i am sorry Shad's but I do not know where to draw a microphone on the walls.'

"That's not fair, Ivy." He looked hurt.

'Please dont be mad. I only said I had no room on the walls.' Smiling.

"Uh, Shadows, come check this out." Brian had found it. Shadows picture. It was on the back of the door.

"Holy shit." He just stared.

It wasent of his shoulders up. It was of his waist up. I had gotten the idea from a concert they did. He was singing mid note, mike infront of his face, arms up. I even had his tattoos on his arms. Sunglasses on, hat on backwards.

"Damn, now that's not fair." Brian spoke. I guess he wanted one like that.

Again, I was being hugged. Again I got another kiss on my forehead.

"Shit!" I heard a crash, of something breaking in the kitchen.

I knew those boys would get into my chili before it was done. Pulling away, I walked in to see Johnny on the floor trying to clean up the broken glass as fast as he could and Jimmy sitting on my counter, with a spoon eating the chili right out of the crock pot.

I just shook my head, grabbed the wooden spoon and smacked Jimmy on his lower back to get him off my counter.

"What was that for!?" I smacked his hand that had the spoon in it.

"Fine, I can wait." he lowered his head like a child and walked away.

"Thats what you get." Johnny mumbled.

Walking past him, i smacked him on the head.

"Ow." Moving my head to glare at him, he shut up and mumbled a sorry.

Oh these boys.

Notes