Am I too Lost to be Saved?

~Johnny’s Point of View~

I couldn’t fucking believe it! I mean, there was absolutely no fucking way I could even begin to wrap my head around it. His grandkid! His baby’s baby! Anna always spoke so highly of her relationship with her father. Always! She was “Daddy’s princess”. Meghan always teased Anna about it, and Anna never denied it. They always went on and on about how their mother dreamed about Meghan’s wedding ever since she was little, and how their father wanted to shelter Anna from the world.

‘Anna will forever be Papi’s princessa,’ Meghan would say. But here he was, telling Anna this bullshit! Trying to convince her to give up her world, her reason for living! Are her parents fucking blind? If they had been here, they would see that it is because of this kid that she’s healed so quickly. It’s because of this baby that she’s doing so much better. And now they just come out of nowhere to tell her to give it all away? THIS IS BULLSHIT!

I zoned back in to the conversation and turned to stare her father down, but he wasn’t paying any attention to me.

“…Anna, you were supposed to be a doctor!” He was in the middle of lecturing her. He threw his hands in the air, speaking to her louder than necessary. And she was standing there, looking wounded with her hands on her stomach, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Now what? You can’t do that now, because you have to raise this- this thing!”

“Don’t call it that,” she yelled at him, balling her small hands into fists. “Doctors have babies too, Daddy! Doctors can have families too! Teachers, lawyers, veterinarians, they have families also!”

“HEY,” Meghan had run down the stairs, her hands balled up into fists, red faced, with a wild look in her eyes. “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!”

“And how are you going to get that done with that thing there, huh?” her father started yelling back at her, ignoring his other daughter’s out burst, and at this point I was trying so hard from lashing out at him. “Dime! How are you going to do all this, with no job, and no schooling! How the Hell are you going to deny your mother her last will and testament?!”

“D-daddy, I-“ Anna stuttered through her tears, but her dad cut her off.

“How can I call you my daughter, while you shove this down your mother’s throat?” Her father said. Anna finally broke down.

“I can’t do thi-“ she started, but this time I cut her off.

I stepped up to her father even though he was slightly taller than I, and had a somewhat bigger build. I was in no way afraid of this man. “How the Hell are you going to waltz right back up into your daughter’s life and ask her to give up on the one thing that she held closest to her heart when it was you and your wife that turned your backs on her,” I growled at him.

“Who are you to tell me what I do or don’t do with my daughters,” he sneered. I almost hit him. I could practically feel the veins in my arms bulging, straining, begging me to swing…

“I’m the one who helped that “thing” save your daughter’s life, Goddamn it,” I yelled. “And I’ll be damned if I let some fucking scum like you deny her the right to let her live the life she always dreamed of. You’re almost as bad as the fucker who did this to her, if not worse. And the real fucked up part is, that instead of loving her, and supporting her decision, you’ve asked her to do two things: bring death to something that would be the perfect fit in her fucked up world… and two: give up the life that she accepted for herself. I wonder what the hell it is going through your fucking mind, dude.”

Her father stood there, speechless, and looked passed me towards Anna, whom Meghan was now embracing. “You. Have no idea what my wife and I went through to raise those girls. NONE! Whatsoever! And if you think that I came over here to ruin that girl more than she already is, you are wrong!”

“She isn’t ruined!” I couldn’t let him go on. With every word that came out of his mouth, I was getting angrier and angrier. “Anna is perfect. REGARDLESS of what some sick and twisted bastard did to harm her! And regardless of what anyone like you has to say about her! You don’t seem to know your own daughter. She’s a wonderful woman! You raised good, strong women! You’ve done your job, but you need to move on! That baby came as a blessing out of shit for Anna! Look at her! She’s so much better, and it is because of that baby! Can’t you see that? Don’t you understand how much progress she’s made because of it?!”

“Daddy,” Meghan said quietly. “I think you should go now…”

Their father finally made eye contact, and what I saw tore me up inside… A man, who had lost a fight. A man who wanted so desperately to protect his baby girl from the sickness of the world. Who had lost all hope, and now felt as though he would lose the two things that meant the most to him. The only two people he had left in this screwed up world,… his precious daughters.

“I think I should too,” he mumbled. “I don’t think I can be here any longer.” He walked to the door, and put his hand on the knob, hesitating to walk away. In that moment, I understood him the most. He didn’t want to do what I had also promised not to, the same thing he must have promised himself not to do time and time again as he watched his babies grow up. He didn’t want to walk away from them. He didn’t want to leave them alone in this ugly world again.

“You can come back when you can,” I said looking to the floor. I couldn’t stand to see such a broken man, knowing that if I were to ever fuck up the way he did, that I could become that same man. But through the corner of my eye, I saw him look up to me. “You can come back to see your daughters… and in time, your grandchild…”

When I looked up again, he dropped his gaze in shame, and nodded once. “One day,” he said, and with that he left.

“I- I can’t believe that sh-shit,” Anna sobbed into Meghan’s shoulder.

“It’s okay Anna,” Meghan said. She had been crying too. I wouldn’t blame her. She loved this baby just as much as her sister did because it helped her heal also. “Mom and Dad still love you. Never doubt that. The time will come. They’ll accept it, but they’re hurting just like we are…”

“Alright girls,” I said. “I’ll call Jimmy, we’ll all spend the night together. Get to bed Meghan, I’ve got it from here.”

Anna and Meghan both wiped their faces, and Meghan gave her sister a tight hug and kissed her goodnight before heading back up the stairs sniffling. My sweet Anna turned to me, her beautiful eyes red and puffy, and her soft lips slightly swollen from her sobbing. I pulled her to me and let her cry into my shirt.

“It’s okay baby,” I soothed her, rubbing her back and kissing her hair. “I’ve got you. Everything will be alright. He’ll come around. We’ll all be together. A big happy family. It’ll perfect. You’ll see. Your dad will be here on the holidays, sitting little baby on his lap during the celebrations. While you and the girls cook. And we’re on tour and making more music, he’ll be here to help you take care of baby while you go to school and pursue your dreams.”

Anna laughed slightly through her tears, and she pulled me tighter to her. I breathed her in, and hooked a finger under her chin to bring her lips to mine. I pecked her lips twice and pulled away to look into her eyes.

“I love you Anna,” I told her, and just as I said it, I felt the baby start to kick against me where her stomach was pressed against mine.

I looked down with a big smile on my face. “Whoa,” I jumped slightly, and looked back up to Anna. “That was crazy!”

She giggled, and wiped her face again. “Baby does that every time you say it,” she said flashing her beautiful smile.

I felt my heart warm. Every time I said that I love her, she had said. ‘This must be what fatherhood feels like,’ I thought, rubbing her stomach. I kissed her again, and again. I just couldn’t get enough of her.

Notes

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