My step-dad was home and laying in a hospital bed that was placed in the living room so we could keep an eye on him. I watched for 2 long months as he deteriorated and loss so much weight because of the cancers progression. It killed me to see him sleep and him groan in pain when he woke up. It absolutely broke my heart. It was now the month of May and he lived way passed his time that stupid doctor said he was going to die. I really believed he was beating this cancer! I smiled to myself inside and was jumping with joy. One day I was sitting there doing work and seen my step-dad sit straight up out of bed and put his feet down on the floor. He couldn't walk because the tumor crushed his spine and his spinal cord so he was paralyzed from the waist down. I rushed over to his side.

"What are you doing up?" I said frantically.

"I want to walk to the bathroom like a normal person. I hate sitting here and defecating all over myself and having either you or your mother cleaning me up. It's so embarrassing." he said getting a little angry and aggravated.

"I know it is Paul but you cannot walk. We have to do this for you. I know you don't want to be treated like a handicapped person but you are and you will be for the rest of your life. I love you and I'll always consider you as a father." I said smiling and he smiled right back and I helped him lay back down. I noticed that he developed a coffee cup sized bed sore on his hip where he laid for so long and it had eaten away his skin and muscle and was now down to the bone.

I cleaned it and disinfected it every 2 hours just to make sure he didn't get an infection. It was 2 weeks before my birthday and with me working all day long until it was time to go to bed I had finished my school work for the next week so my attention could be on my step-dad at all times. He was growing weaker and weaker and I knew it wouldn't be long until he would finally lose the battle. I grabbed my guitar and sat down beside his bed.

"You going to play me something?" he asked smiling.

"I was thinking I would play one of your favorite songs." I said smiling back and positioning the guitar right.

"Sweet Child O' Mine?" he asked laying his head on the pillow for more access to see me play.

"Of course." I said and I was fixing to play when he spoke up once more.

"I need to ask you something." he said and I nodded.

"I already know that I'm not going to be here much longer and I was just wondering if you would at my funeral play three of my favorite songs and at the burial could you please play Freebird? One of my friends I worked with is doing Amazing Grace on the bagpipes right after you do Freebird." he said and I could tell he was in so much pain and hurt from the look in his eyes.

"I would be honored. I love you...dad." I said hugging him.

"I love you too. Now play me some songs." He said and patted my shoulder. I began to play the first song called Sweet Child O' Mine.

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stare too long, I'd probably break down and cry

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I'd hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm, safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Ooh, sweet love of mine

Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?

Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Oh, where do we go now?

Where do we go?
Where do we go now? (Sweet child)
Ooh, where do we go now?

Where do we go?
Oh, where do we go now?
Oh, where do we go ?

Where do we go now?
Where do we go?
Oh, where do we now?

Now now now now now now now
Sweet child, sweet child o' mine

I finished and he clapped his hands the best he could and that really broke my heart.

"What are you playing next?" he asked anxiously.

"You really love it when I play and sing don't you?" I asked raising my brow.

"Of course! You have a beautiful voice and play so damn awesome!" he said and I blushed and I knew he meant it.

"So this next song is called Everything Changes." I said smiling.

"Ah good some Staind!" he said and I laughed but soon began to play and sing along.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you can not close
The devil in you, I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes if I could
Turn back the years if you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes if I could
Turn back the years if you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do?
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes if I could
Turn back the years if you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn how to feel

Then we could stay here together
And we could conquer the world
If we could say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

He cheered for me and I quickly bowed. I did some more songs by Staind and he was really enjoying himself. I was taking his mind off the pain he was going through. It made me smile every time he enjoyed my playing and singing. I didn't know what would happen to me if he was to die. I would have no one to play for that is excited to hear me play every time I did.

"So what other band are you going to play?" he asked while yawning and I could tell when I do this next song he will be out like a light and maybe I could get just a little sleep before dinner.

"I was thinking about Whatever It Takes by Kenny Chesney." I said and he smiled.

"That one makes me go to sleep you know that." he said yawning again.

"You need some rest. I'll wake you when mom finishes dinner." I said and he nodded and made himself comfortable before I began to play.

Well, I've been drawing little hearts in the morning paper
Lookin' for a house an' a couple of acres
You'll be mine some time, sooner or later and I can't wait
Like a busy ol' bee savin' up it's honey
Honey I'm savin' up all my money
To have you I'll do anything I have to,
Whatever it takes

Whatever it takes to win your love
I'll hire me an airplane, have it paint your name up in the sky above
I'll tell the world I'm yours, put it on a billboard out on the interstate
If it takes forever to get us together
Honey I'll do whatever it takes

Well I've been yellin' your name from a lookout mountain
Tossing my pennies in a downtown fountain
Makin' my wishes I'm hopin' they're countin' for loves sake
I'll swim upstream in a ragin' river
Walk through fire til you get the picture
I swear I'll bare anything to get there
Whatever it takes

Whatever it takes to win your love
I'll hire me an airplane, have it paint your name up in the sky above
I'll tell the world I'm yours, put it on a billboard out on the interstate
If it takes forever to get us together
Honey I'll do whatever it takes

Whatever it takes to win your love
I'll hire me an airplane, have it paint your name up in the sky above
Yeah I'll tell the world I'm yours, put it on a billboard out on the interstate
If it takes forever to get us together
Honey I'll do whatever it takes
Well if it takes forever to get us together
Honey I'll do whatever it takes

I ended the song and he was already fast asleep. I set my guitar down and covered him up with his Harley-Davidson Blanket and kissed his forehead. I picked up my guitar and went into the kitchen where mom was about to start dinner.

"Hey mom. Will you wake me up when dinner is done? I need to get a nap in." I said rubbing my eyes.

"Sure but one thing though." she said turning around to face me.

"What is it mom?" I asked.

"He really enjoys you playing and singing for him. I love it when he smiles and the pain is taking away from his mind. Thanks a lot little girl. Now go rest up and I'll come and wake you when it's done." she said and I nodded and kissed her cheek before walking out of the kitchen and into my room.

I looked back over at him as he slept. So peaceful and not in pain. I hung my guitar on the wall and laid down in bed covering up and closing my eyes. I quickly went to sleep. I was awaken by someone pushing on my shoulder roughly and I slowly opened my eyes. I seen mom and she was smiling at me.

"Dinner is ready sweetheart." she said and I got up and stretched as I walked out the door. I looked over to see Paul still asleep and I needed to wake him up to eat. I lightly pushed his shoulder and he opened his eyes.

"Are you hungry?" I asked and he nodded and I went to fix him something to eat. I cut his food in small bites and brought it to him. I sat down on the chair next to his bed and began to feed him. It was a slow process but he eventually ate it all.

"Was it good?" I asked.

"Mm-hm amazing." he said smiling.

"You want anymore?" I asked getting up.

"No no. I'm full. Go get you some though." he said and I nodded and walked into the kitchen. I set his plate down in the sink and mom came up to me.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

"He's not eating enough. He's giving up." I said so she could hear me.

"I know but we can't force him to eat. You know what happened the last time." she said and I do remember what he did. I was feeding him one day and I told him to eat more and he got too much in his stomach and threw it back up and was hungry again.

I fed him little by little until he said he was full and I didn't make him eat anymore. It was sad that he could eat a third of a plate of food and it would barely have anything on it and he would be so full. I grabbed me a plate and put some of the food on it and began eating at the table. I watched Paul as his eyes closed and he began snoring so loudly. I couldn't help but laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week and a half passed by fast and I was at Bible school that whole week but after the 25Th I wouldn't be going. The next day after that was my birthday!! I was going to be 6! Oh such a wonderful age my mom would always say ha ha! It was now the 25Th and I had that weird ass feeling while at Bible school and I had no idea why it just happened to come on. It was time to leave and my granny took me back to moms. The feeling kept getting more painful to me and I hated it. I could see the house from the road and when we pulled up mom was standing on the front porch crying. The feeling instantly went away.

I knew now what the feeling was warning me about. I hurried and got out of the car and ran up the porch and into the house. I seen my lifeless step-dad. He had died. I grabbed his hand and held it as I stared at his lifeless form. He wasn't breathing and it took all of me to remember his wishes not to be resuscitated. Mom was talking to my granny outside and calling the hospice nurse to come out and pronounce him dead. I called the rest of my friends and my mom's mom and dad. All my friends rushed over to my house and seconds later the sound of running feet sounded up the driveway and into the living room. I looked over at Heather and shook my head and closed my eyes letting the captured tears become free. They all came and rubbed my back to comfort me. Damien wrapped his arms around my shoulders and hugged me tightly but I wiped my tears away and Nicole saw that I was trying to be strong for my mom.

"Rave it's no sin to cry. You lost the only father figure you've ever had in your life. Don't be afraid to cry." Nicole said rubbing my back.

"I know Nicole but I need to be strong for mom." I said looking out the window and I seen his hospice nurse pull up into the driveway and get out of her car. She walked up to mom and she showed her in. My friends back away while I stayed right there with him not letting him leave my sight.

I wasn't ready to let him go but I knew when the funeral home came he would be gone for a while. She checked his vitals and pronounced him dead at 8:15pm May 25Th. Tomorrow is my birthday and that would live with me for the rest of my life. I hated it. I was hoping he would live long enough to see my birthday but I know he's still here in the house with us. I can feel his spiritual presence. The hospice nurse left the house and went to my mother and hugged her. They said something and mom gave her the phone. I was guessing it was the funeral home. A few minutes later I seen the hearse backing into the driveway and getting closer to the house. The people came into the house and my mom literally pulled me away from his body. I stood there and watched them lift him into the body bag and zip it up.

I fucking hated seeing the bag being zipped up. I let a single tear fall from my cheek and onto the bag. I watched as they carried him away into the hearse and it pull away. I went strait to my room and locked the door and laid there on my bed crying uncontrollably.

Notes

comments?

This did happen to my stepdad and I thought I would add it to the story since it weighed heavily on my mind...