I Wait And Bleed
March 15
A month later and after all the doctor visits, chemotherapy wasn't helping reduce the cancer. Mom asked one of the nurses for information on hospice care because if he was going to die, he wanted to do it at home. He went back to the hospital to check up on his medication and have his liver pumped of some liquid. I didn't really understand it. A doctor had come in before we got there and when we walked into the room where he was he was crying and so upset. Mom quickly sat down on the bed and began comforting him.
"What's wrong?" I asked confused and caringly.
"A doctor came in here who wanted to do my back surgery. I told him no that I don't want the surgery and he's like hell be that way because you're only living for 6 weeks anyways." he explained as the tears rolled down his face.
"Paul, don't listen to that idiot! You will beat this cancer and live life normal again. Without pain and all that shit!." I yelled and mom looked at me with a watch-your-language look. I smiled innocently and it made him laugh. I smiled and was happy that I got him out of his sadness.
We stayed there a little longer before we head back to the house to finish my work. I hate doing this shit but it's got to be done or it wont get done. I was working on something that I hated the most...math. God! I hate that damn subject with a fucking passion! Who cares about fractions and long division and all that other bullshit. I finished it and mom checked it over and evidently I was pretty good in math since I only got 2 questions wrong and corrected them to make it right. I grabbed my guitar and played some random songs that played on the radio or on my country Cd's. I was a pretty fast learner when it came to playing my guitar. I can play anything from George Strait to the new country stars like Taylor Swift but I didn't play too much of her. I was currently playing one of her songs called Teardrops On My Guitar.
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without
Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car
I keep singing
Don't know why I do
Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car
I keep singing
Don't know why I do
So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight
'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car
I keep singing
Don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
The song ended and I didn't even notice mom was there until she started clapping making me jump just a little.
"Thanks a lot for almost giving me a heart attack mom." I said holding my chest.
"I'm sorry but dinner is ready. Come and eat." she said and I quickly got up off the bed and ran into the kitchen. Thank God we were having steak! I love that shit and mom's grilling is so delicious. I cut my steak into pieces that I could eat and dipped it in ranch dressing. The juices in the steak was so orgasmic.
Yes...I know me only being 5 years old, I know what orgasmic means. I mean look at my friends ha ha! Anyways, I had just finished moms delicious steaks and headed back to my room to shower and lay down for tomorrow. Tomorrow was Saturday and we only had class until noon so I was happy. Nicole would coming with me to visit my step-dad and then I was spending the night over at her house. Mom never like to teach me on Sundays but we did anyways but at like 2 in the afternoon. I turned on the radio and listened to some George Strait and began singing along with him. I loved this song. It's called Carrying Your Love With Me.
Baby all I got is this beat up leather bag
And everything I own don't fill up half
But don't you worry 'bout the way I pack
All I care about is gettin' back real soon
A goodbye kiss is all I need from you
Cause I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holdin' on
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'll have everything I'll ever need
I'm carrying your love with me
On a lonely highway stuck out in the rain
Darlin' all I have to do is speak your name
The clouds roll back and the waters part
The sun starts shinin' in my heart for you
You're right there in everything I do
Cause I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holding on
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'll have everything I'll ever need
I'm carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holding on
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'll have everything I'll ever need
I'm carrying your love with me
I'm carrying your love with me
I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
The song ended and I turned off the radio and turned on my side facing my window looking out and watching the starry night until I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
"What's wrong?" I asked confused and caringly.
"A doctor came in here who wanted to do my back surgery. I told him no that I don't want the surgery and he's like hell be that way because you're only living for 6 weeks anyways." he explained as the tears rolled down his face.
"Paul, don't listen to that idiot! You will beat this cancer and live life normal again. Without pain and all that shit!." I yelled and mom looked at me with a watch-your-language look. I smiled innocently and it made him laugh. I smiled and was happy that I got him out of his sadness.
We stayed there a little longer before we head back to the house to finish my work. I hate doing this shit but it's got to be done or it wont get done. I was working on something that I hated the most...math. God! I hate that damn subject with a fucking passion! Who cares about fractions and long division and all that other bullshit. I finished it and mom checked it over and evidently I was pretty good in math since I only got 2 questions wrong and corrected them to make it right. I grabbed my guitar and played some random songs that played on the radio or on my country Cd's. I was a pretty fast learner when it came to playing my guitar. I can play anything from George Strait to the new country stars like Taylor Swift but I didn't play too much of her. I was currently playing one of her songs called Teardrops On My Guitar.
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without
Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car
I keep singing
Don't know why I do
Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car
I keep singing
Don't know why I do
So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight
'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car
I keep singing
Don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
The song ended and I didn't even notice mom was there until she started clapping making me jump just a little.
"Thanks a lot for almost giving me a heart attack mom." I said holding my chest.
"I'm sorry but dinner is ready. Come and eat." she said and I quickly got up off the bed and ran into the kitchen. Thank God we were having steak! I love that shit and mom's grilling is so delicious. I cut my steak into pieces that I could eat and dipped it in ranch dressing. The juices in the steak was so orgasmic.
Yes...I know me only being 5 years old, I know what orgasmic means. I mean look at my friends ha ha! Anyways, I had just finished moms delicious steaks and headed back to my room to shower and lay down for tomorrow. Tomorrow was Saturday and we only had class until noon so I was happy. Nicole would coming with me to visit my step-dad and then I was spending the night over at her house. Mom never like to teach me on Sundays but we did anyways but at like 2 in the afternoon. I turned on the radio and listened to some George Strait and began singing along with him. I loved this song. It's called Carrying Your Love With Me.
Baby all I got is this beat up leather bag
And everything I own don't fill up half
But don't you worry 'bout the way I pack
All I care about is gettin' back real soon
A goodbye kiss is all I need from you
Cause I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holdin' on
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'll have everything I'll ever need
I'm carrying your love with me
On a lonely highway stuck out in the rain
Darlin' all I have to do is speak your name
The clouds roll back and the waters part
The sun starts shinin' in my heart for you
You're right there in everything I do
Cause I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holding on
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'll have everything I'll ever need
I'm carrying your love with me
It's my strength for holding on
Every minute that I have to be gone
I'll have everything I'll ever need
I'm carrying your love with me
I'm carrying your love with me
I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed
Carrying your love with me
The song ended and I turned off the radio and turned on my side facing my window looking out and watching the starry night until I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
4/9/13