“Jimmy? Baby?”

That voice sounded so distant. Who… who was it? Where I was? My eyes couldn’t open just yet, my eyelids felt very heavy, like I was stuck in a bed again…
Fuck… Am I? Why do I always have that feeling now?

“James, wake up. Why did you sleep on the couch, honey?” the voice whispered again and now I could tell who was there. My Emily. And I was in my house, I guess.

My mouth was dry and my thinking was slow like I had…

Yes, I shot up last night, didn’t I? Oh god… I screwed up.

“Jimmey????” I felt her hands brushing my hair back and I could finally open my eyes to the best sight I could have after a day like yesterday. And she smiled beautifully just to remind me how stupid I was to break our promise.

In a rapid involuntary move, I pulled my left arm against my chest, afraid she could suspect something. She could never know, or it would be the end for us. And I couldn’t really handle losing her right now.

Fuck… What have I done?!

“Hey… I…” I breathed heavily once, trying to concentrate on my thoughts that were starting to go back to the usual pace slowly. “You said you weren’t feeling okay, so… I just didn’t wanna wake you, babe.”

I sat on the couch and still felt a little numb. But I was free from the muscle pain and weariness I should probably be having now. Not to feel pain anymore was so relieving.

“Oh okay… For a minute I… I thought the guys had taken you to drink or something and you wanna hid it from me. I’m very happy I’m wrong.” She smiled again and came to kiss my mouth. My lips were dry and she probably noticed it.

When we parted, I couldn’t look into her eyes. I hated lying to her. It was the hardest thing to me.

But it was just a one-time thing, right? I didn’t have to do it again.

Who am I kidding here? I have a pocket full of smack to ease my pain and another pocket full of cocaine to turn me into that beast I used to be on the drums. I couldn’t get rid of it now. I knew I would use every single drop of it even if I promised I wouldn’t.

“You’re definitely not lying, you don’t taste like booze at all.” She smirked, trying to reach for my gaze and I could only think about the moment she would place her hands in my pockets and how disappointed she would be if she finds out what I was doing last night, which was definitely worse than getting drunk.

Scared of that thought, I had to move her out of me to stand up. I needed to find a place to hide that stuff urgently.

“And what if I was… drinking last night? What’s wrong with that?” I walked towards the kitchen, opened the fridge and reached a bottle of water as I heard her steps coming after me right away. I had to test her reaction someway.

“Well… I don’t think you should. We’re recovering addicts, Jimmy. We can’t do that anymore.” That was the first time I heard her labeling us like that. And I couldn’t hate that label more now.“And you heard the doc when he said your heart condition is worse now. We shouldn’t take risks.”

“I’m not an addict, Emily. Okay?” our eyes met finally and this time I couldn’t help but to make her see through my eyes how much I loathed to be called by something I wasn’t. “Do not ever say that again!”

I was fine, I could always control my habits. I just had to… to control my doses not to make my heart stop. That’s easy, I know myself. I know my limits.

We traded a very long and tense glance. For a moment, I thought she was reading my thoughts by how intense her stare was. Then I noticed her squinting a little and cocking her brows quickly before leaving her gaze to fall away from mine.

“I made pancakes and coffee for you.” She looked at me again and finally changed the subject for my relief.

“Thanks…” I served myself a cup of coffee and ignored the pancakes. I wasn’t hungry. “Aren’t you late for work?”

She frowned at me and I didn’t get why she was giving me that look.

“Today is Sunday, Jimmy. The studio is closed.”

“Oh… yeah, right. I forgot it was Sunday…”

Fuck… even I was noticing how weird I was. I didn’t know how to lie. Especially to her.

When I finished my coffee under her observing eyes, I washed it and left the kitchen. And as I climbed up the stairs, I saw her standing on the kitchen threshold, staring at me, so I stopped in the middle.

“Where are you going?” her voice sounded low and… hurt?

“I’m gonna… go practice. I have a lot to catch up in my technique.”

“You didn’t eat anything…”

“I’m not hungry now… maybe later?”

She only nodded with arms crossed on her chest, this time, with no smile and I didn’t wait longer for any more questions that could turn me in, I just vanished away to my studio and locked myself in there the whole day.

---

I heard the studio door closing from where I was and felt a sting in my heart.
We’ve been apart for just one day and something deep inside my soul already tells me there’s something wrong with him.

The way he talked to me. He was avoiding looking into my eyes. He didn’t eat my pancakes he loved so much. He didn’t even remember we promised not to work on Sundays and spend the day together.

What the hell happened in that studio anyway?

I was ready to go upstairs when I saw his phone on top of the desk. I breathed once and didn’t think twice about going after it.

He had several missed calls, from Matt, Zack, Brian, Johnny and… well, it was buzzing right now. Mei was calling? Who is… Oh, okay, Jess’ friend. Maybe I should get that?

“Hello?”

“Emily? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Jimmy’s in the studio. Is everything okay?”

“Well yeah… it is. I was just calling to… to check on him.”

I frowned.

“Check on him? May I know why? He was weird when he woke up. Did something happen in the studio? You were there?” I had so many questions wanting to pop out of me that I couldn’t help myself. I had to take the chance to know things as they really happened, and not as how he was telling me.

“Yeah, I… I was there yesterday and… well, he left earlier than us all, looking a little sad because he couldn’t record a song. So I thought I should see if he’s okay now.”

“Oh… wow, he didn’t tell me any of this. He only said everything was going as usual. But I’m glad you told me, I’m gonna talk to him about it. Thank you for your concern, Mei.”

“Hmm nevermind! Can you… can you just tell him I called?”

“Yeah, sure!” I was about to hang up when she asked one more thing.

“And… Emily, can I ask you something?”

“Sure!”

“Are you… are you two back together?” she stuttered to ask me that, almost in a whisper. But I wasn’t really sure why.

I thought about the answer and decided I wouldn’t hide it from anyone.

“Yeah, we… we talked and worked things out. We’re just seeing where it goes, you know?”

“Oh…” she didn’t sound so surprised. “Good. Good for you. Really. It was nice talking to you.”

“Yeah, you too! Bye!”

After I hang up, I took a deep breath and rushed my way towards our bedroom with only one thought in mind. As I heard the muffled sound of his drumming coming from the studio, I made an extensive search on it, feeling my heart squeezing at every stupid thing I found that could be suspicious but it wasn’t.

Under the mattress was a much known hideout of his but I still looked there. Then I went on every single drawer, on his wardrobe, on the pocket of his clothes. And nothing.
Next place was the bathroom. I rolled that entire place up and down. No strange pills, no powders, no nothing. It was all clean too.

I should be glad, right? I should be jumping in excitement he wasn’t hiding anything, apparently. But… why my heart seemed to want to explode in uneasiness? I’d rather know what’s happening than not knowing.

I mean… he wouldn’t do that again, right? After all the talk we had, after everything we went through. He wouldn’t lie to me, would he?

God, I was probably overreacting. He just had a bad day and the first thing I do is… to make a search like I was some kind of probation officer? Why was I assuming he was using again without even talking to him first?

I sighed heavily while I sat on the bed and started to blame me and my insecurity. He promised me and I had to give him full trust. And I felt terrible I doubted him in the first opportunity I had. I could only laugh of myself, shaking my head.

Some part of me tells me he’s fine. But some other part still doubts. And I hated myself for that.
You know what? I need to clear things out with him and that’s what I’m about to do now.

---

After I hid the stuff behind a frame in one of my studio walls, I felt a little relieved. It was safe there and no one would find but me. But I still felt terrible about lying to her that way. She didn’t deserve it.

I had to forget about all of this now and jump into my drums like there was no tomorrow. We had so little time to finish the album recording, I need to be perfect on next sessions, and that would only happen if I keep practicing and practicing until my hands give out. And for that, I had a little help.

The pain in my legs was starting to hit me again, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to practice today without snorting a row. I needed rest. But rest wasn’t an option now. I was way behind and I had to use everything I could to catch up on that kid’s same pace.

I went to the picture frame, I fumbled behind it and grabbed a cocaine dose. Spread it over the counter and promised myself I would only do that because I needed to have my full energy to practice. When all this recording thing is over, I’d be done with this. I would, I really would. I wouldn’t have to keep lying to her for long.

Took a deep breath before and inhaled the powder inside of me, feeling that instant overwhelming rush get to my brain in seconds. Damn, it was so powerful. It had hit me so strong my sight went black for a while. Maybe I should’ve taken less?

My heart started racing as I gave a few jumps to warm myself, shook my arms and felt my body as well shaped as I could run the world. No, I can definitely handle that amount, I can.

“Yes… I’m better than him. I am. And I’m gonna prove it to them.” I whispered to myself as I ran back to my drums, stretched my muscles that felt like burning with vitality and strength, and warmed with a few rhythms I made up.

I played fast triplets until I got bored. Practiced paradiddles as crazy. And when I felt ready, I repeated God Hates Us until I had blisters in my hands. But not a single cramp hit me this time, so it meant I could keep going. Going and going until I knew I could play that thing with eyes closed and backwards without missing a beat.

Sweat was dripping from every part of me as I felt like a powerful beast, fire dripping out of my pores instead of water. I let out some screams from the top of my lungs, getting rid of all the pressure I still held inside.

That’s the price of living again, Jim. Hard work. And it never stops. If it stops, you’re dead. DEAD. You hear me?

You better enjoy your second chance. – As soon as I thought that, she entered the room and messed with all my rational thinking as she paced around and sat on one of the amps, her enigmatic eyes up to me as I tried to play better just to show off to her. I went with something kinda like Scream rhythm, that always reminded me of her and she observed with arms crossed. I could tell she wanted to talk to me, and that was the last thing I wanted to do now.

“Jim…” she screamed to be heard as she was tired of waiting for me to stop apparently.

“What?” I pretended I didn’t get it so I kept going, expecting her just to turn her back and leave me be. But she wouldn’t, she was coming closer.

“Jim, please… I wanna talk to you. Just…” she came by my side and placed her hands on top of mine, making me stop abruptly to look at her, panting as hell. “Just take a break now, please. We need to talk.”

Her eyes were sad. Her brows were far from cocked as her gaze went from my questioning eyes to my hands. They were pulsing like about to explode, and then I saw the blood spreading in the sticks, dripping in the snare.

“God! Jimmy, you’re bleeding! Why didn’t you stop before? You didn’t notice?” she grabbed my towel quickly and wrapped it around my hands with the biggest care in the world. God I was so lucky I had her.

“Oh this is nothing, it happens sometimes. It’s not even hurting, don’t worry, babe.”

“Okay, but now you need a rest or you won’t be able to record anything in the next days.” She demanded and I agreed with my head, trying to make her smile, but she was reluctant. “Speaking of that… Just tell me, Jimmy, why were you acting cold like that to me this morning? Did something happen in the studio? Is Matt or Brian picking on you or demanding too much? Cause if they are, I can solve this with one phone call, believe me.” She was serious as hell and I giggled. She was sexy trying to stand up for me and I couldn’t love her more.

“No, Em, they are being too comprehensive in fact. They are awesome. The problem is…” I shook my head, running from her gaze. Why was it so hard to expose my feelings lately? “The problem is me. I’m rusty and out of shape. And they brought this… this kid to play with them while I was out and… he’s great, really. He’s young, full of energy and I’m just…” I shrugged.

“Hey, look at me, Jim.” She held my chin up to her eyes again and I had to encircle her waist closer to me. I missed her eyes yesterday. Maybe I would be more confident if she was there.“It takes time, okay? You made so much progress so far, you don’t need to push so hard. Sometimes all you need is to take a break, go out, breathe the ocean air outside, take your mind away from the tension a little. Then you can get back here and make miracles. Believe me, it always worked when Jess was studying for her long concerts. And always worked with me too… You’re already the best, everyone knows that, you don’t need to prove anything, not to me, not to anyone. I bet the guy was flattered as fuck to sit in your place, and that, my friend, you don’t get from night to day.”

When she finished talking, I had this big crave for her lips. She was right. I didn’t have to prove anything. I just had to believe in myself again. When that would happen? I wasn’t sure yet. But I knew that woman had a lot to do with it. I owned her a lot now.

I attacked her lips in appreciation for her kindness and our kiss lasted until we were out of breath.

“Wow…” she moaned, still brushing her skin in my mouth, with a glowing smile, as she hugged me tight.

“I love when you talk dirty to me.” I answered in between pecks and she chuckled, echoing her noises in my whole body.

Then I remembered why I was alive and back at this game we call life. Cause she’s my guardian angel. She’s here to guide me when it’s too dark to see.

“You know what? I don’t need to breathe fresh air now. I need to breathe you and only you.”
We shared some meaningful glances, like saying all the words we couldn’t say and when she formed that beautiful grin of hers, I grabbed her waist with my both arms, stood up and lift her body along with me, as she encircled her legs on me.

She laughed loud and I took her straight to our room.

To breathe her in entirely. To forget about the rest.

Notes

Love can solve it all, apparently :D

But is it enough?

Stay tuned =p