“You don’t need to do this for the rest of your life, Jim.”

I woke up with a strange feel in my stomach and that sentence in my head. Oh yeah… Today was the day I would go back to the studio with the guys, try to record at least a song or two. And I felt weird.

My arm and leg muscles have been hurting for days because I probably exaggerated on physio lately but I had to deal with it, we couldn’t keep delaying the launch of our new album. If I haven’t pushed myself harder on my exercises, I could never go back to play at the same pace and with the same intensity I had before.

But why do I still feel insecure about it? It’s weird… I never felt insecure about one thing in myself, and that was my drumming. Was I ready to go back?
I had jitters today, I never have that. Why today? I was just doing what I like the most to do with the people I love the most to work, finally leaving my confining. There’s nothing to worry, right?

“Are you nervous?” Emily asked me while I cleaned my hands on my legs. They were sweating as never before. How was I supposed to hold the sticks with my fucking hands soaking like that?

“Nervous? Me? It’s just… what I did for the last fifteen years of my life with the guys I know my entire life… It’s nothing.” I said that more to myself than to her; I knew I couldn’t really hide my anxiety from her.

As she drove me to the studio, she gave me a few looks from the corner of her eyes and I frowned. When she found a spot to park and turned off the engines, she asked:

“Are you sure you don’t want me to… stay here with you? I can call in sick.” She smiled in assurance and it made me very tempted to accept her offer. But no, I had to do this alone. It would be the first day I’d spend away from her and play without her so I needed to confront that.

I gulped once and I noticed my feet wouldn’t stop thumping in some random beat. Why do I feel like I didn’t practice enough double kick? Fuck!

“I... Yes, Ems, I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about me, I’m gonna rock their brains out. I’ll call you when we’re done here.” I blinked at her and she smiled.

I pecked her lips lingeringly, then I had to pull her to a passionate and real kiss. It was weird to have to stay away from her too. When I had my hand on the door, she held my other wrist.

“Hey babe, wait. Are you sure you’re ready for this? I mean… yesterday you were complaining about pain, today too and… you’ve been practicing too much lately. You must be tired now. Don’t you think you might need some more days before going back?”

She looked deep inside my eyes and now I had to comfort her besides hiding my nervousness.

“Emily, I’m ready. I can’t keep delaying it. I need to go back to my world.”

“Yeah… your world… right.” she pursed her lips and still had that apprehensive look on her face. But I had no idea what was going through her mind then. “Just… be careful with this world, okay? If you think you can’t take this, just call me and I’ll pick you up.”

“I will, love, I will. Now go to work, or you’ll be late.” I finally was able to move out of the car and watched as she left.

And now I was on my own. Took a heavy blow of air into my lungs, let out and entered the studio door.

When I stepped inside the room we always rehearsed, I promptly heard drums pounding hard in the air along with badass heavy riffs probably made by Gates along with Zack on the rhythm guitar in full distortion mode. I listened for a while before appearing to them and my head couldn’t ran from how precise the guy was hitting the double bass. He was very good. Whoever he was. And he was playing in my kit…

“Wow! Already found a new young soul to replace the old Rev here?” I showed up on the room with a smirk and arms opened wide as the guys promptly stopped playing and came to greet me with a great set of energy.

“Hey man, you can never be replaced!! Welcome back to your haven!” Matt gave me a tight bro hug, almost crushing my ribs and I replied it on him. That was my job, I was the rib-crusher!

Zack and Johnny were next to hug me and then Brian came in, half smiling and smirking, mysterious as always. I wasn’t sure if I should hug him or not so I showed him my hand. He grabbed it and pulled me into a tight hug too, as I had never left. As if we were never rivals before and always friends.

“Welcome back, man!” he whispered to me and assured with his head. I thanked him with my head too and my eye contact left his eyes to go straight to the person that was behind my drumkit.



That… little kid with long curly hair and big eyes was the one raping my baby? Really?

“Hey you!” when I pointed at him faking an angry tone, the guy threw me a smile and went out of my drums towards me with his sticks in hands. He had his cheeks red when he showed his hand to me.

“Hey, I’m… I’m Arin. I’m sorry about…”

“We borrowed him from his band on the next room so Brian and Zack could figure out some stuff they are trying to do while you were away. Now that you’re here, we’re done bothering him.” Matt set his elbow on the kid and he was still smiling like a… well, like a little kid! Cause that’s what he looked like.

“Don’t worry, you can always come here to learn a lesson or two.” I felt acid as my tongue let out that arrogant sentence. Why was I acting like that? He was just helping the guys while I was out, not a big deal. “Did he take good care of my baby here?”

“Yep, he’s very good for his age. How old are you again, man?” Matt asked him and he hid his hands on his pockets.

“I’m… 21.”

My eyes widened at him as I adjusted the hi-hats and the bench to my need. He surely had less leg than I did.

“Damn… and you can play like that already?”

The kid was very good. But I was better and I was about to show him that.

“Keep up the good work, kid. You’re gonna go far.” I finally sat in my bench, getting used to the feeling of being back to where I belonged as Arin and Matt watched me.

“Thanks man!” he answered and I began to test all my drums and the volume of the mics. “It’s very nice to meet you in person, by the way. I’m gonna go back to my band, they are probably wondering why I left for a break and never came back.” He giggled.

“Okay, nice to meet you too, man. Bring your band mates here later so we can all jam a little.” I thumped on my both pedals and yeah, everything was fine for us to start.

I waited as my band mates were ready to start a warm up and I noticed Arin didn’t leave the room as he said he would. He just stayed at the recording room, listening as we played a few old songs for starters.

I had to be very good today. Even more now.

---

I was hyped as hell and feeling relieved that I could pull out our songs when we decided to have a break to finally start working on our ideas to the new songs. I was convinced I could deliver, even if it still hurt here or there or I was out of breath more easily than usual. Maybe it would take time to get back to my old form.

Jess and her friends arrived and they were happy to see me back. They were too happy, in fact. And Zack told me as a secret that they were there today only to see my ‘brilliant come back’, in their words. That brought a little of my anxiety back.

Great, now I had a crowd of friends to watch me besides that kid. But you know what? I was cool, I’m The Rev, I can do this.

I got a towel, cleaned the sweat from my arms and face and finally went to the girls to greet them.

“Wow, it’s like you’ve never stopped! You’re awesome Jim!” Kim commented very excitedly as I hugged her and then Jess. I chuckled.

“Well, I’m still a little rusty but it will get better with time.” I smiled at her compliments.

“Are you kidding me? Rusty? You’re far from rusty! It’s really really awesome to be back here, to see you play again! Wow!” she was even flushing.

“Don’t mind her, Jimmy, she’s just too excited to be here. We all are. You were great as always, by the way.” Mei said it as I hugged her and suddenly, it unleashed this strong déjà vu feeling.

My nose found her hair and I had to close my eyes when I drank her scent, making me linger there more than I should and to brush the tip of my nose softly on her neck. All of my moves were so fast I think she might’ve not realized them.

When I pulled out, I gazed at her and analyzed what I just felt as they kept blabbering. That scent. The color of her hair. Her white skin…

The girl from that dream. She looked exactly like her. Well, I couldn’t tell by her face, cause I didn’t really have that sight but… Her perfume, even though I couldn’t pinpoint what that was before I hugged her, now I knew. I knew it was her.

But… why… why her?

“Planet earth calling Jimmy? Hello!!?” Zack called out and his hand landing in my shoulder raised me from my thoughts. “Time to go back, man. We gotta finish God Hates Us today.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, I’ll be right there.” Zack kissed Jess and pulled me out of the group of girls back to my drums as I waved them goodbye. “Talk to you later, girls.”

Couldn’t I have 5 minutes of break?

“Hey, how fast you want it?” I asked and Brian turned to me as he was strapping his guitar.

“Hmm… we tried 140 bpm before with that kid. Can you… pull it out?”

That was way faster than I was expecting for today. But the Jimmy from before could do it with eyes closed.

What? Who the fuck was Jimmy from before? I was still that same badass drummer, damn it.

“Are you kidding me? I was born at 200. 140 is easy.”

Why was I lying…

“Let’s get from where the drums get in, after the intro, and figure out the fill-ins before we record you alone, okay?”

“Alright. When you’re ready.” I set up the metronome on my headphones and kept turning the sticks in my fingers as the three guitars were getting ready. When they signed with their heads, I counted.

On the first times we played that, I was cool, my feet were handling the double bass as always. But when we had to repeat those verses over and over until they got a few notes right, my shin and calves were wearing out and at some point, I couldn’t keep going anymore. But I didn’t tell anyone I needed to stop, I couldn’t. I had to show them I was the still the same guy. There was too much at stake here. They all had their eyes on me, the girls, the guys, and now that kid was back with all his band mates on the recording room, watching us through the window. They expected a lot and I had to deliver it.

“Jimmy, let’s try again, man, you missed that cue to go into the bridge. Can we go again one more time from the chorus?” Brian asked and I stopped playing abruptly, feeling my muscles burning more.

I could only nod with my head as I noticed they weren’t even sweating to play those four hours in a row. And I was crushed.

And there we went, again. To cause me a damn cramp in my left leg. Stopped playing right away to stand up and pull my foot up, to help my muscle get back on normal.

“Oh fuck! I have a cramp…” I could only say that as I tried to make it stop. I had to lay on the floor as Brian came rushing to help me with forcing my leg back. “It hurts like hell…”

“I think you’re done for today, man.” Brian said and I saw everybody nodding to him, like agreeing. We still had so much to work on, I couldn’t stop now.

“No… No I can still go on. I just need it…” my head went back in pain, I had to scream a very loud ouch and it finally passed. “…to go away. Yes, it’s good now. I’m good. Thanks man!” I promptly made my way back to my feet, gave a few jumps, moved my neck from side to side and was good to go.

When I sat back in my drums, they were all staring at me, probably surprised at my ability to recover fast.

“Hey, don’t look at me like that! I was in coma, what is a stupid cramp? C’mon, let’s go!” I thought they would laugh of that but I was the only one who found it funny.

“Brian is right, man. You should take it easy.” Matt spoke.

“I’m fine, I can keep going.”

“Why don’t we let you record your part now? Then you can rest a little as the guys record the guitars. I think you all rehearsed enough.”

I looked at them and shrugged. If that was what they wanted, fine!

Everybody was practically expelled from the room to leave me alone with my kit only. Now my heart was beating as fast as ever. I could feel it pumping in my neck.

Put my headphones on, cleaned the sweat out of my hands and held the sticks. I was tired as hell but I was decided to record that thing in one shot, as I always did back then. The adrenaline hit me hard when I saw them all looking at me through the window. God, that place was way too crowded…

C’mon, you played for thousands before. What are those 10 people outside? You can do this.
I signed them with my thumb and they set the guitars to play in my phones. I counted on the whole intro, my eyes closed, concentrated fully on the tempo until it was time to give the first kick. I couldn’t miss a beat after that. And I was nailing all the kicks in the right tempo, even when my calf was starting to burn again.

I took a good look at the people watching me, searched for an unknown energy stocked somewhere inside of me and it came out of nowhere or maybe from Matt’s screams on the vocals. I managed to go through the choruses and the bridge, but in the last part, the double kick was unbearable to my legs. And before I could get into the last ‘Total nightmare’, I felt another fucking cramp taking over my other leg this time. And this time I really had to stop.

“GAAH!! FUCK THIS!!” I shouted from the top of my lungs and threw my sticks with all the strength I still had on the window, which cracked a little. Everyone that was there backed off, scared.

I never needed more than one take to record a song. Never. And I felt like destroying that whole room that I had to do it again because of a fucking cramp in the end.

I closed my eyes, breathed in and out, as the cramp was leaving me but not really my fury. I didn’t wanna face anyone now, I just needed fresh air. So I stood up, kicked the hi-hats out of my way to the ground and left the room in a rush without saying anything else.

---

“Hey…” a woman’s voice appeared from the studio door out in the dark where I was refreshing my mind and I thanked god it wasn’t Brian or Matt again asking if I was okay.

All I could think of so far was that I needed a damn cigarette and I didn’t have one. I had no patience to talk to anybody now.

“Hey.” When she stepped closer to me, I could see it was Mei. Good, I didn’t wanna have to face any of the guys now. “Do you have cigar or something?”

“Oh no, sorry… I quit a few years ago.” She bend her back on the wall beside me and her eyes were the only thing I could see in that dark street. “Are you okay, Jimmy? You kinda left us all a little worried in there.”

I shook my head and shrugged. I was wordless. I felt like a failure, like I was getting old or something, but I didn’t wanna admit it. Let’s face it, I wasn’t like the Jimmy from before at all, I was tired all the time and as much as I try, I can’t play on that same speed as before. I needed more energy again, I needed… I needed more than nicotine.

I needed that thing I’ve been trying to run from all this time. And I finally had the courage to admit to myself now.

“I’m okay, really. I broke that window three times while recording City of Evil, don’t worry, they are used to my attacks.” I tried to fake a smile to lighten the mood but she was still serious and her eyes were trying to look into my soul now.

I was scared she might be able to read my thoughts with those penetrating eyes. She was definitely messing with my head… Could I trust her? I felt our connection from the first day I met her.

No… I shouldn’t. It would sound like I need some sort of consolation. She would tell me it would all be better with time. And I just wouldn’t believe, cause I know, deep inside, I can’t be the same person anymore. Not without it.

“Are you sure? I was known as a very good listener back in Germany.” She half smiled and her perfume the wind dragged to my nose again almost made me spill everything.

“Yeah, I’m cool, really. I’m just tired now. Thank you for your concern, Mei, really, It’s good to know I can count on you. Let’s… Let’s go back in there? I need to know how much I owe to the studio now…” I snorted a laugh and we both walked back inside the studio.

I followed her and when she opened the door to our recording room, a heavy sound came from inside. The guys were jamming with that kid’s band. Well, yeah, I had invited them myself. And, of course, there he was, sitting on my kit again, like he owned that crown that was mine.

Apparently they were having a lot of fun. Nobody cares if I make a mistake or two, if I need to record again a thousand times or not. But somehow, I care… I care too much about the details and those are killing me inside.

I watched their jam by distance and again, payed attention only to the sound Arin could put out, which was more than great. I bet he would never get tired or have problems with cramps even when playing all day long. He was rocking his head, enjoying every single moment of that. I could see my old self on him. But right now, I was far from that place he was. I was far from having fun.

“Hey, Mei, can I ask you something?” I approached her and touched her shoulder before whispering on her ear.

“Of course.” She smiled, looking back at me and her eyes were glinting again.

“Do you… do you have a back tattoo or something?” I really needed to make that question before I leave. Or I wouldn’t be able to sleep later.

“Hmm, no, not really… Why is that?” now she chuckled a little and frowned with my stupid question. Of course she didn’t have a back tattoo, you moron.

It’s all just in your stupid head.

“Nothing, really. Just curiosity. I’ll see you, bye.” I smiled one last time and turned my back to her, making her hold my wrist and come after me outside.

“Hey, wait, you’re leaving already?” she asked and I was already out of the room.

“Yeah, well… they don’t need me there anymore now, right? Just tell them I went home tired.”

“Alright.” We traded smiles and I waved her goodbye.

As I walked through the dark streets, I debated with myself a thousand times before finally picking up my phone to search for that number. And as I looked for it, the phone buzzed in my hand. Emily.

God… it was like she knew what I was planning to do.

“Hey babe, how’s in the studio?”

“It’s… it’s going as usual. How’s your day?” I lied to the one person I should never lie. I didn’t wanna make her concerned.

“It’s a crappy one… I’m heading off the studio early by the way. I think it was that Chinese food we had last night, I’ve been sick to my stomach the whole day. Should I pick you up now or you guys are gonna work until later on?”

I breathed once and gulped.

“Yeah… we will. Don’t worry about me, Matt can drive me home later. Go home rest, babe.”

Lie to her again? Really Jimmy?

“Okay. If you want me to go there, call me, okay?”

“Yep. Don’t… don’t wait up, okay?”

“Kay, bye Jim. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

“You promised her, Jim.” – my guilty conscience screaming at me again. It was there all the time now, that stupid british voice telling me what to do. And you know what? I don’t give a fuck about it anymore.

She wouldn’t have to know about this anyway. I would never let her know.

I dialed the guy’s number finally.

“Hey Joe, it’s me, Rev… Well, Jason is out of the picture, actually he doesn’t know I have your number… Yeah, I thought I was out too but, you know, I had a bad day… Can you meet me?” I looked at both sides at the side walk to see if there’s no one listening. “…Huntington Park, in ten? Bring whatever you have, money is not the problem. I need a new stash.”

To hell with promises…

I needed to be myself again, I needed to feel like myself, like I could control my life, like I still had the power to change things. And that was the only way I knew I could feel it again.

Notes

I just... loved this picture!! <3
This chapter deserved it =p



credits: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/185/d/8/arin_ilejay_and_jimmy_____the_rev_____sullivan_by_mikeycoffeesushibass-d55xnfh.jpg