“No! No, please, c’mon Emily!! You can’t just…”

“Yes I can and I’m doing it already.” I crouched down to Jimmy’s drums and moved one of his bass drums away from there. It was freaking heavy but I managed. “You can’t do one month of physical therapy and expect to be playing the whole City Of Evil in a roll.”

“I need to! I told the guys I’ll be back to record the new album with them this weekend!” he let his head fall in the snare. “Look, we will take it slow, okay? But please, I need my double bass!”

“No you don’t! I see the face you’re making, you’re struggling, James. Let’s play slower and one-bass only songs like Dear God. Then maybe we get to the crazy fast songs, okay?”

“I’ll be bored as hell...” he got his sticks and started to turn it as he pouted like a baby.

“Don’t say that, it’s a good song… to sleep. But you need to start from somewhere.”

He only nodded with curved lips and counted when he noticed I had my guitar in hands. He set up a good pace at first, exactly as the tempo he first recorded that song and I just went with the flow. He always made it much easier to play along and that’s how you can tell he’s one of the best drummers you would ever play with. But when we reached the bridge, he started to accelerate. At first I followed him, but at the last chorus, he was already going too fast.

Without stop my playing, I walked closer and stood in front of him, lowered my body to get his attention and signed for him to slow down with my head. I played the rest of the song there, in front of him, so he could focus on something, cause his concentration was totally out of place.

“Jim, focus!! You were accelerating the whole thing…” by the end of the song, I had to say something.

“I told you it was boring.” He grumbled.

“Don’t make me go there and turn on the fucking metronome!” I pointed to the other side of the room, trying to show anger. Anger I wasn’t really feeling but I had to pretend so he would focus.

“NO! No I don’t need that shit! Just… just stay right there alright, in front of me, and let’s try again.”

“Why, exactly?” I asked curiously.

He tried to hide it from me but I caught the smirk wanting to come out from his lips.

“Cause I only had a reason to focus when you bent over in my drums.” His indiscreet eyes fell over my cleavage and I promptly felt so wanted but I blocked it right away. Oh, Jimmy… Really?

We were doing so well in this whole month. Behaving like two friends sharing a big house, he wasn’t trying anything and not insinuating anything until now.

I had my schedule with my job in a recording studio while he was doing physical therapy. I’d make lunch and he’d make dinner and wherever he needed to go, I’d drive him. Everything was working out until he finally started to go back to his drum practice. And here we are, trying to make him obey the doc’s orders to take it all slow for this first month. But he went straight to City of Evil songs, his favorite to play live and with the fastest songs I’ve ever heard in my life.

While he didn’t take his lustful eyes off my breasts, I unstrapped my guitar, turned my back and left the room without saying anything else. When I was back, I had a black turtleneck sweater blocking from his sight my entire front and all the things he was focusing on before. He had a puzzled face.

“Why’d you do that!?” he still had the nerve to ask me that, sounding all sad and indignant?

“I did this so you can stop focusing here…” I pointed to my chest. “And start focusing here…” I showed my fingers moving on the fret board of the guitar I had strapped back on me.

He had the biggest pout with his long arms crossed in front of his chest as he was still holding the sticks. The cutest thing on earth to me. Damn, but this is not the freaking point here, Emily!! Focus you too!!

“That’s unfair! It would sound so much better if I could still see them…” He insisted, jokingly and seductively at the same time.

“You can stare into my eyes. Isn’t it enough?” I tried to stay serious.
He threw a weak smile to me at first but then his eyes got so intense I might have lost my own thoughts while trying to figure out his.

“Okay, it might work. Let’s try it again.” He smirked and counted on his sticks for the song to start again.

This time his eyes wouldn’t leave me, not even for a second. He played like a metronome, perfect and sharp as he always was. Sometimes my fingers would just bump into wrong notes because of his powerful stare and I had to chuckle to break that mood or we would just leave that room to ravish each other in the most animalistic way we could in his bed. But his face was showing me he wanted me in the sweetest way possible as the romantic chords of Dear God sounded in the room. The tension was clearly rising between us again and I couldn’t let that happen. I had to stop it before I couldn’t help myself.

When the song finally ended we stayed in silence and as I placed my guitar back on its case, I felt him following my every move around the room.

“That’s it for today, Jim. I gotta go to work and you sir… you need to rest, you did too much for today.”

“Yeah, gonna go play some XBOX to relax.” He stood up from his drums and walked towards me, pecked my cheek lingeringly while holding my other cheek and left. “Oh my life sucks. Thank you, Ems.” He sang those words happily and it echoed distantly and lower than usually was.

It gave me goosebumps.

I was sincerely in love with brown eyes, that was a fact to me. But why does the blue-eyed still mess with my heart like that?

At least I had the control to resist Jimmy somehow. And that was not always the case with Brian. But now that I was living with Jim, it was getting harder and harder to keep my distance.

Will I ever get those two out of my system for good someday?

I had no idea… Probably not.

While I was reflecting in his studio, I saw something stuck on the bass I had moved away before which caught my attention. I gave a few steps and kneeled before it to see it closely. And my heart froze when I realized what it was.

One of the tiny tubes he used to hide cocaine before concerts.

Luckily, when I removed and opened it, it was empty.
It was probably there from before. He was clean now, he wasn’t thinking about that. He wouldn’t dare. I had full trust in him.

I just tossed it in the trash, closed the room and left for my shift.

---

My day at the studio was calm. Helped the bands set their stuff and learned a thing or another about recording techniques while watching the technicians working. I wasn’t entirely bored that way.

I was leaving by 9 pm, going straight to Jimmy’s house when my phone rang. Just by the Debussy tune, I knew it was Jess.

“Hey Jay, what’s up?”

“Hey… it’s all good here. And there?”

“All good too.”

“I’m calling cause… well, Zack begged me to.” I heard her whispering something as yes, you did as another voice complained by her side. I chuckled. Those two…

“Zack insisted for me to call you even when I told him you are not even talking to him lately so… It’s Brian, Emily.” I frowned at the low sound of her voice.

“What happened?” I frowned instantly.

“He’s weird. He’s not showing up on rehearsals lately. And the ones he do show up, he’s drunk and cranky. They tried to talk to him but he just won’t open up. Zack thinks it has something to do with you.”

I let out a heavy sigh and never stopped walking. To Jimmy’s house, cause that’s where I should go now. Not any other place. Not even if I was worried as hell with Brian now.

“Last time I saw him he left Jimmy’s party with his ex. I think it has nothing to do with me this time, J.”

“Zack said he’s not with her again. He’s always alone now. He’s miserable, Emily.” She whispered that last sentence and I heard her walking away. “I saw him the other day, I can tell it’s you. He didn’t show up on their rehearsal again today and Matt is almost convinced they should just start looking for another guy to record the album.”

“No, I don’t believe you. Matt… Matt wouldn’t do that.”

“His fiancée is planting seeds on his head and he’s all stressed out with the new album and the preparations for his wedding that… well, Val just postponed.”

“Wow…” I had nothing else to say.

“Matt is very angry at him. You should talk to him, Ems. Try to put some sense into his mind and get his ass back to work.”

“I don’t know… He won’t listen to me, he’ll just send me away. I don’t think he wants to see me, Jay.”

“Can’t you just… try? For me, please?”

I sent a big puff of air out from my mouth and stopped my walking to think better. But I couldn’t help if my feet were already making me turn around and go to the place I knew he could be. To the bars at Main Street.

“Alright, Jess, I’m going after him, okay? But that’s the last time I’ll do that. You know that this could be bad for Jimmy. So he better not find out. I mean it.”

“Okay, he won’t hear it from us.”

“Right. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“’K, Ems. Thanks for doing this, I know how hard it must be for you.”

“Well, what can I do, I still love the guy, but I think I can handle this time. Bye J.”

“Bye… and don’t do anything I wouldn’t!”

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I’m way passed that.”

I turned off and got a cab straight to main street.

---

I had my third beer just now and still felt the same shit as before. After, of course, trying some Jack, gin, Johnny and a few weird names I don’t think I’ll want to remember tomorrow. I tried everything, different combinations and different nights. Different women around me, different people, different places. Nothing amused me anymore. Nothing erased her from my system.

To be true, all I could see was ugliness and a void inside of me and outside. Like I wasn’t worth a penny.

I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong. Kept rethinking all my steps along the way until I got here and I can’t figure that out, as much as I try and as much as I drink. And I can’t move on either. Something is trapping me in this position I think I had never met before.

Rejection.

You can judge me and think whatever you want, but there’s something I hate the most, and it is to lose. I never lose. But no matter how hard I tried, how much I did or how many times I clarified what I was up to, I was an idiot thinking she would give me a chance. I was a loser from the start. I lost friends, my heart and my mind. I just hadn’t realized that then.

Maybe it was just all a game to my brain anyway. As she once said herself, you like the challenge. Yeah, maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m still that jerk I always was. Maybe I need a new challenge to go for it. And that should be hate her instead of love her with all my strength.
Maybe… Or maybe I just had to stop my head from imagining all the possibilities I’d have if I had met her before him, which was driving me insane right now.

Would she leave me for him in that other dimension too? Would she always choose him?

Thanks Universe, you finally did it! Thanks for breaking my confidence in million pieces! I drink to that. – I applauded my own misery and had a shot of tequila just for a change. I hated it too but it reminded me of her and I needed to hate her somehow. My new challenge.

‘…And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so’

“You know I hate when you drink…” I heard her voice swimming through the stupid radio song and surfacing behind me. I had no idea if it was just a hallucination or if she was really there, which was improbable.

And I hate when you break my heart. – that was the prompt answer I had in my tongue but I wasn’t even sure who was behind me. Things were blurring around me already.

“Don’t be rude! That’s my new girlfriend here, I’m moving on like you said I should.” I showed her the bottle of beer but didn’t turn to face her. “We should give her a name, right? Mrs. I-Will-Never-Break-Brian’s-Heart. She says it’s nice to meet you too.” I drank a sip of beer and laughed ironically.

I had no idea what I was saying anymore…

“Brian…” I felt her warmness closer when she sat beside me. Yeah, she was really there. How the hell did she find me here?

“Let me just spare your speech, alright?” I turned to her. “You can’t save everybody, Emily, I told you. Just leave me alone.”

“Don’t ruin your life like I did. It’s not worth it. I’m not worth it.”

“Blah-blah-blah you deserve better. Save it. I’m tired of hearing the same crap. If you know what I need, why don’t you just give me?” I saw her shaking her head to my question, probably thinking I was dumb. I knew her reasons, she didn’t have to explain them to me over and over. But my heart just couldn’t accept them as much as my mind understood it already.

“I knew this would be in vain. You don’t understand, do you?”

“Yes I do, I do. But I’m tired of understanding you. You gotta understand me a little. This is my life and I’ll do anything I want with it. That’s something you can’t control. Finally!” I let my arms get up in the air.

She was silent for a while and I could tell she was staring at me. I was staring at the bar counter, of course.

“You’re right. I can’t control your life, it’s none of my business. But when they tell me it’s MY fault you’re skipping rehearsals and drinking until your liver melt away, then it IS my freaking business. C’mon, let me take you home, gimme your keys.” She showed me her palm and I ignored it.

“No, I didn’t finish here. I still didn’t try that green thing over there.”

“Believe me… you don’t wanna try that after everything you just had. Let’s go.”
I let my eyes roll, looked at her with devil’s eyes as I grabbed my wallet and left the money on the counter. I was only agreeing with this cause tonight I knew I had passed my limits and I would have to wait too long before I could drive again.

I stood up and felt the room spinning. Tried to disguise but she knew me too well.

“Can you walk?” she touched her fingers in my arm and the first thing I did was to get away. Yeah, my body was learning…

“Just give me a second and I’ll be okay.” I closed my eyes and when I opened up again, still saw everything turning.

“Hey Syn, leaving already? Oh pity, I just got here!” a girl I had no idea from where I knew her appeared in front of me and I tried hard to focus on her face. “Why don’t you stick around a little more?”

“No, not today, honey, maybe next time. He’s going home now, right big boy?” Emily said it too sweetly for my taste as she got herself in front of the woman and encircled one of her arms around my body, forcing me to rest my arm on her shoulders. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“Who’s she, your wife or something?”

“No, it’s worse, she’s my mother now.” I shook my head lazily and waved her goodbye.
I could only laugh at my own shameful and ironic existence as we walked outside. She was still controlling my life, wasn’t she?

“What are you laughing at?” she asked up to me while she almost carried me throughout the way to my car. Her body standing that close to mine wasn’t helping me with that plan of hating her at all.

“I just remembered I forgot to pay her last night. Maybe that’s why she wanted me to stay…” I chuckled more and she finally let my body lean on the car as she opened the door.

“Nice, Brian… Very nice.” She was sarcastic as hell as she helped me get inside the car.

“Well, what can I do? Sometimes they don’t mind if I don’t pay. I’m like a… wanted costumer. Someone gotta want me, right?” I faced her with disdain as she sat beside me on the wheel.

“Good for you. Your mom must be very proud.” She answered dryly while turning on the engines and there it was, that same shit pop radio blasting on my stereo that I almost felt like vomiting right there.

‘…You completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right’

“You know Matt called me to record the new album in your place?”
I gasped my biggest forced laughter at her sentence and couldn’t think about anything to answer to that. She was clearly lying.

“Don’t dream, Emily. He’d never do that, not in a million years.”

“Well, he told me to drop by for an audition. They are looking for someone who has compromise to show up on time, not just talent and an obnoxious pretty face.”

I laughed a little more but then it hit me. This might be true. He wasn’t talking to me lately and I know I was pissing him off every time I showed up hammered. Even my silly smile faded away.

“Thanks for letting me know.”

This was all her fault. All her fucking fault.

‘And I hate how much I love you, girl
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you, girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so’

“You know, It’s just too egocentric of you to come here and tell me you’re the only problem I have in my life. I have other stuff to worry about too.” Oh fuck, did I just say the opposite of what I was thinking?

She wasn’t the only problem indeed. I had no ideas for the album, I didn’t wanna play or write a single note in my guitar and I had no inspiration surrounding me. But in the end, it was all connected, wasn’t it?

“Oh yeah, like what?”

“Like… where I can find that little magical powder you and Jimmy used to pump in your veins. I wanna see how special that thing is that bonded you two that way, so unbreakably tight.” Those last words came out with my teeth clenched out of anger. I just couldn’t let it go.

She stopped the car right away and my body flew forward in a jolt. What the fuck was that?

“You can do whatever you want with your life. But you can NEVER touch that thing. Promise me!” her voice sounded deep, trembling and threatening at the same time.

“I can’t promise you anything anymore. I’m done with vain promises. I’m done going after you as an underdog. I’m done, Emily. I just wanna forget you. Don’t you see it?” I let all my hurt show through my eyes as hers didn’t soften to it.

“Okay you want the truth, I’ll give you the truth. It’s the most incredible feeling you could ever experience in your life. There’s nothing like it, it’s not even comparable to the best orgasm you’ve ever had. But then it turns your life into a nightmare, you just can’t forget the feeling once you had it, and you’ll never have the first rush again, you’ll always need more and more. Always chasing something you’ll never find again. Then two thoughts start haunting you everyday when you wake up: when it’s gonna be your next fix and when you’re gonna die, and you wander between today, tomorrow or 10 years from now. But you’re certain of just one thing, it will happen sooner or later.” She finally took a breath. “Some things in life we must resist, Brian. Heroin is one of them. So please, promise me, for real, that you’ll never even gonna think about trying it. Do you understand me?”

Her eyes were so deep I was stuck in the meaningful silence she left. She was even out of breath. She really took it serious, didn’t she?

“Whatever…” I only grumbled, moved my head away to face the window and she turned on the engines to drive again.

‘One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on m…’

“God!! This shit is still playing!” I shouted and finally turned that thing off.

After some minutes more of awkward silence, we finally arrived at my place.
She helped me all the way through my bedroom and I realized she had never been there before. But I was too wasted to even think about asking her to stay and try my bed. Oh but… yeah, I had to hate her, I almost forgot.

“Are you good? Do you want me to call Zack or…”

“No, no, I’m fine. I just need to sleep this booze off me. The good thing about drinking everyday is that you don’t have a hangover next morning, I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

“If you say so… well, I’m gonna go.” She faced me one last time as I was already stretched on my bed and stopped for a moment. “Just go to your rehearsal tomorrow, okay Brian? Show them that song you were writing with me that day. It’s a start. Then the flow will take you, don’t worry, I know it will. Just show up on time and sober, okay? I would hate to have to steal your place.”

I didn’t even remember that song and now that she said… yeah, maybe it’s a start. Wait… how did she knew I was having trouble with writing?

“You would love that. You already stole everything I had…”

She pursed her lips, faced the ground and shook her head. Maybe I was crazy but I think I saw her eyes watering.

“Well… Bye…” she turned her back and the lights went off.

“I hate you, by the way...” I had to let it out of my system.

“Yeah, I hate you too. You’re welcome.”

She closed the door with a big noise and sleep took over me as fast as light.

---

I walked back to Jimmy’s house damn proud of leaving Brian intact on his house without giving up to my feelings and thinking about an excuse to give to Jimmy, as if we were married. I didn’t have to lie to him this time. But it was probably better if I say I was with Jess, right?

When I opened the front door, trying not to make too much noise, I saw light coming from the living room. He never sleeps early anyway, it was almost midnight.

“Hey.” I stopped by his side at the couch and he moved his eyes from the TV to me.

“Hey… where have you been? I was worried.”

“I… I was with Jess and… you know how it is, lost track of time.”

“Yeah.” He showed me a small smile. “I made dinner. Pasta with that sauce you like. I can put it on the microwave for you and…”

“Oh I… I’m not really hungry now, thanks Jim. I think I’m gonna eat it tomorrow. Now I just wanna crash in my bed. Busy day…” I tried to smile too and paced towards the stairs.

He only nodded, looking a little tired himself too.

As I climbed it up, I looked at the dining room and I saw the plates there all arranged as in a dinner for two. And when I caught a glimpse of two unlit candles in the middle of the table, I swallowed hard.

Did he… prepare a surprise date for us or something? But why would he do that?
Or maybe he did had a date with someone. With Jess’s friend maybe? They were talking a lot back at his party…

I let those questions slip away when I entered into my bedroom and saw my bed. Oh, my sweet bed, it was all I needed now. But first, a nice hot shower would be perfect.

I left the bathroom with only my panties on to find my sleeping gown in my bed. And when I was about to dress it on, the door of my bedroom opened wide, making me hide my breasts promptly at the sight of Jimmy and his lustful eyes on me again.

I couldn’t say a thing, not even for him to go away or that he should’ve knocked first. I just stood there, staring eye to eye, waiting for whatever was his next move. His chest moved up and down and he paced quickly towards me. He let his warm fingers climb up my back and when he reached my neck, he bent down and kissed me heavily.

I didn’t move, I didn’t say a fucking thing. I had no idea how to tell him we shouldn’t go down that road again. It was just too good to ask him to stop. I just let his tongue play with mine until we were both out of breath.

“Our deal… Jimmy…” I whispered on his lips while he still held my face and he just ignored me. His hands slid on my arms holding the gown in front of me and he just pulled the fabric out of my body slowly. I had shivers all over me when he pulled me closer to his shirtless chest.

God, I need to stop him. I need to…

“To hell with it. I want you so bad it hurts…” his eager hands raised my both thighs with a strength I had no idea he already had and threw my back against the wardrobe, pushing his waist on me, showing how hard he was even before he entered my room. “I can hear every single noise you make here and I keep wondering how it would be to have you in my arms again every night. God, it’s a torture, Emily. I can’t be your friend, I need more. I need you back, babe.” He started his speech in my ear, let his lips lower to my neck and then to the top of my breasts that I had let go to hold myself on his shoulders.

It was almost like I was mute. I still couldn’t answer him, I was unable to break his heart again, I just let him guide me to my bed and gave way for him to do whatever he wanted with me. I tugged at his now longish hair and only one person came to my mind.

I could only think about Brian all the way through. But that’s a secret that would die buried inside of me this time.

Notes

oh maaaan... =p
did I just start this story all over again? hahaha
Mei was right, huh?

okay, u can say that, but you'll see how some other things will change from now on.

Don't give up on me and stay tuned xD