Syn's Deep in My Blood

I sat on a chair in the kitchen and held my head on my hands with my elbows leaned on the table. I stood there just staring a half empty bottle of wine and having a mental talk with it. The first thing that came to my mind was that incident with Jimmy on New York. God, if I could just turn back time…

“Hey, I’m gonna freshen up here, I’ll be right back…” I said it and turned on the stereo, maybe music could make me stay awake and forget about all of this that has been taking too much space in my mind lately. God, how I hated being here…

I entered the bathroom and closed the door behind me. The first thing I saw that jolted me: my terrible reflection on the mirror. I even had dark circles in my fallen eyes from not sleeping well for days. I couldn’t even think about feeling pretty that night, how was I supposed to make Jimmy feel attracted to me like this?

I kept staring at my own eyes through the mirror for several minutes trying to fight the urge to do what I was planning. Well, I hated that kind of rush, the forced one. And I was more into a relaxing kick than that sudden and out-of-control high. But I needed to stay awake tonight, I needed to be the girlfriend Jimmy was expecting me to be, not the wrecked train I was being lately.

I sighed really heavily and searched on my pocket for the tiny tube of cocaine that Jason had got for me before, ‘just in case’. I spread the content in line on the sink and brushed my hair back to bend myself on it. Then I sealed one of my nostrils with my index finger and snorted all that powerful venom with the other in seconds. Fuck…it hit me strong.

My eyes rolled back and I had to close them tightly to handle that crazy overwhelming amount of adrenaline hitting my bloodstream. It was amazing how the effect was instant, I could even run a marathon now. My heart was accelerated and for a moment I thought it was gonna pop out of my chest but then I just breathed in and out a few times and I felt wonderful. Like I would never feel without it.

With my eyes still closed, I began to undress my jeans and undo my bra under my shirt. I took those two pieces out of my body and let them fall into the ground. Before I could open my eyes, I vividly felt a pair of cozy arms wrapping me from behind and placing his hands softly on my breasts. I could read something written on those fingers: Marlboro. The sudden shock caused my eyes to pop open wide to the mirror to see anyone behind me. I swallowed hard and tried to brush out Brian’s image of my stoned mind as I opened the bathroom door and got out directly to Jimmy’s embrace, the one who could make me forget about anything.

I felt his urgent touch on my waist while appreciating the delicious heat of his kisses in between my breasts. Then I just made my palms land on his chest to push him on the mattress and straddled him while looking deeply at his eyes. Maybe he wouldn’t notice I was high.

I tried to take his shirt off while kissing him, which was something impossible to achieve and after some battle I just let him take it off himself.
My insides were burning now, more than usual. In spite of me preferring heroine for having sex, coke could always get me aroused more quickly.

I closed my eyes again and…there he was, Brian and his broad naked chest shining under me. What the fuck is happening to me, am I hallucinating or something? I had to bit my lip to that scene, hallucinatory or not, it still was making me feel horny as hell.

Oh, c’mon Emily, wake up, this is not real!

But I just couldn’t stop my mind from going to him, I would only see just a few flashes of Jimmy and I was even feeling Brian’s unique scent on him.

What the fuck is happening!!! This gotta be real!!

I stop resisting those images when I felt my body being pushed into the mattress and a few kisses spread on my neck and breasts, causing me to moan loudly. Now I was completely certain that Brian was the one sucking on my nipple so deliciously, I could see his shoulder tattoos now, I could even touch them, his soft and hot skin entirely pressed against me. How could I not smile at that, my old fantasy coming true!

He sank his waist harder on me and I saw stars before letting out a load groan and…

“Ahhhhhhh…Briaaan…” he abruptly stopped his movements on me and I opened my eyes.

Oh my god! Jimmy! It’s Jimmy! What did I…

“What?!” I widened my eyes to feel the sting of his sharp gaze on me. I was so confused now, my brain was working on low capacity as loaded of coke as it was. But one thing I was certain of: I had screwed up bigly now.

He got out of me and stormed out without saying a word or looking back at me.

“Jimmy, I…” he slammed the door before I could say what I was truly feeling. “…I’m sorry…” I said it anyway, to the walls.

A few warm tears began to form on my sight and I just grabbed a pillow and stifled my crying on it for hours, feeling the guilty desolating my heart bit by bit.
I thought about going after him but…what was the point? What arguments I had to defend myself anyway? He is completely right if he won’t look at my face ever again. And I will just have to bear with it from now on.

Another bad memory attached to this place. I swear I could never come back here again.

I spent that entire night wide awake with all my demons haunting me on looping.

Stupid!!!

Yeah, I was high and my stoned-self made the worst mistake I could’ve done. Jimmy had failed once, I failed right next. We match perfectly, don’t we? – ironic chuckle here.

The next morning I went to the hotel’s restaurant and found Zacky staring at me and frowning. Then he just sat by my side and told me where was Jimmy – passed out on his couch he didn’t even fit – and how he was last night – teared apart with a bottle of vodka on hands and craving to consume every single expensive liquor his fridge held.

Oh hell, Jimmy was doing so great, he wasn’t drinking too much and not using drugs at all. And I just destroyed all his achievement with a fucking wrong name. That was when it clicked me: I was worse than him, cause I just wouldn’t admit my problem and he, on the other hand, was at least trying to fix his own. It made me feel like the worst person in the world. He didn’t deserve all this hypocrisy surrounding him.

My conclusion is that it was probably for the best if I just stay away from him for a few days. Maybe he would finally notice I wasn’t worthy of his love. And that was what scared me the most, the thought of losing my friend and lover.

On that same day we caught a flight to Georgia and Jimmy didn’t even sit beside me, he traded seats with Matt this time. His huge biceps kept invading my chair all the way through and I had to get a hold on myself not to yell at him with all that talk about how happy he was to make plans with Val after that tour. Poor guy, it wasn’t his fault I was pissed off…

Well, at least I still had Brian to talk to. And I hoped Zacky would never say a word to him about what happened.

“Hey…hey Em, wake up, the sun is rising. Look!” I awoke in a jolt and felt my irises burning with the crimson light that hit me straight in the face.

“Oh my god, we…we slept up here?” I still couldn’t open my eyes but I could sense Brian’s bare chest heat close to me contrasting with the soft morning breeze that was caressing us both. We rose from the wood surface together and when I finally got used to the red light, I got flabbergasted with that lighthouse landscape in front of me.

“Wooow!! This is probably the best view I’ve ever seen in my life!” The sunlight was brightly reflecting every single water atom in the ocean and in that moment I was so thankful to be alive to witness that.

“Yeah…amazing…” instead of watching that beautiful phenomenon, he was staring at me unstoppably with a silly grin on his thin lips. If he kept doing that I know I would succumb so I just grabbed his arm and dragged him down the stairs after he put his shirt back on.

“Where are we going now? Skinny dipping?” he smirked beautifully. Just now I noticed how glowing he was in that morning.

“No, it’s day already, they would probably get us arrested…”

“Oh, so now you’re worried about getting arrested, huh?”

“Shut up, Brian, and start moving those skinny legs faster!” we hit the floor after a lot of stairs and what we didn’t expect was that sleepy security guard would be wide awake now. And staring angrily at his nice intruders.

We both nodded at him like two stupid teenagers getting caught by their parents and drift off to the beach. His scream was heard everywhere in that peaceful street.

“Hey, come back here! If you guys left a mess up there, you’re gonna clean it up!! You hear me?!” the guy just kept shouting but didn’t follow us. I just couldn’t help but fall into the sand as soon as we hit it, laughing so badly that caused my knees to tremble.

“That guy should thank us we didn’t leave traces of DNA for him to clean up!” Brian just looked down at me and let out a different chuckle. I really wanted to know what he was thinking then.

“My DNA is too rare to be stolen like this…” I laughed harder so glad that he had joined me on the joke.

“Yeah, it really is. Hey, come here, lay down with me.” I grabbed the hem of his pants and pulled it down gently. “I think this is softer than that hard ground we were before.” I gave it another pull and he just surrendered, laying at my side soon after.

“Oh shit, we have a plane to catch today, huh? At what time should we be there?” I asked.

“Hmm, I dunno, at 9 maybe?!” he glared at me with one of his hands on his face to prevent his eyes from receiving a few unwanted sand grains that was flying around.

“How can you not know your flight time?”

“You distract me…” he mumbled it in a really low and sexy tone, eyes fixed on mine. The word handsome couldn’t do justice to that sight in front of me. God!
He would never stop creating these sparkling moments between us, would he? But I was too confused now to rush anything. I didn’t want to mess it all up more than it already was. Even if I felt the strongest kick of my life while kissing him yesterday. But I should just suppress it by now. Yeah, definitely, suppress is the right thing to do…

I had to cut that moment off. Again. “It’s hot in here, what do you think about cooling off our feet by walking on the ocean?” I got up and pulled his hand with me.

“Oh god, you just can’t stop for a moment, can you? I’m a musician, a sedentary one, I can’t keep up with you!” I dragged him till we could feel the cold water making us both shiver from head to toe.

“Oh fuck, this is definitely worse than being surprised by a bunch of adolescents with their water guns. Brrr” I said while trying to get used to that icing on my toes. Walking by the ocean? Not the best idea…

“Yeah, I think my balls just vanished from me now.” I giggled to be heard from Cali at that statement. Didn’t want to imagine that scene he pictured, though.

“Hey, can I ask something I always wanted to know?” I had to distract myself from that iceberg-melted water.

“Hit me…” we kept walking in direction of our hotel now, it wasn’t so far.

“I’ve never seen that info out there so…what are the names of your guitars anyway!?”

“Oh…yeah, people asked it me before and… I didn’t know what to say, I’m just not the kind of guy that names them like they were a living thing or something. It’s not like I’m gonna call them and they will come to me like a puppet.” That was an answer I didn’t expect. “Do you name yours?”

“Oh…yeah, but it’s from a long time ago. I named my guitar after my first boyfriend, Carlos. Yeah, I know, tacky…” I saw him holding his laughter.

“Hm, so…he must’ve been really important to you, huh?”

“Yeah, he was the sweetest. He was my first time and…I was his.”

“Ohh, I’m…touched!” he almost made me believe he was taking me seriously, but no, of course he wasn’t. I hit him in the arm with my weak punch as he drew his well-known smirk. “Well, my first time was with a hooker so…I just can’t remember her name now.”

“Wow, really romantic!” my time to smirk and he shrugged in response. “Maybe I could help you with some guitar names. Let’s see…Jennifer?”

“Nope.”
“Linda?”
“Nope.”
“Michelle?”

“No, no, no, you know what…” he sounded annoyed now. “I’m not gonna name my little babies after some female names I have any kind of connection with. Maybe I’m just waiting for the right name, the one that can shake my guts just by hearing it, you know…” he gazed deeply at me.

“Hmm…” I just nodded. We stayed in silence for a few minutes. “Maybe Zacky is the name you’re looking for?”

“Wooohohoooww” his mouth formed a big O to me and I had to laugh at his expression. “You provoked the Brian Beast, now you just bear the consequences!!! Muahahahaha” he crouched on the water and raised a big amount of it with his hands to throw in my direction. And it was full of wet sand too… Fuck!

“Ohh you son of a…” I felt my insides freezing as I just kicked the water back at him and he tried to divert from it. I showed my best vengeful grin and threw even more wet sand than he did to surprise him back. “I bet you heard about Synacky before?” I giggled and started to run away after an evil look to him, he had sand all over his face now. Brian reached me quickly and almost made me fall completely into the water. Oh, he’s gonna pay for this!!

“This means war!!!!” I yelled.

By the time we got to the hotel, well, we evolved back a few years from adolescence and now we seemed more like 5 year old kids impregnated with dark sand all over. They made us clean ourselves with a water hose before entering the place: hotel policy, they said. I felt like our dignity was long gone by now.


I caught myself silly smiling at those moments with Brian.
I couldn’t deny our friendship was one of the best things that happened to me lately. And after that night we spent together, well, I felt like we reached another level in our friendship scale. I mean, we both practically admitted we felt something strong for each other after that kiss. But lust wasn’t enough for me to give up on Jimmy yet. I needed to set things up with him, the guilty was still consuming all my energies.

Later on that day we caught a flight to our next stop, Florida. I knew James had traded his seats again, this time with Zacky but I was wiser than him and asked Matt to change it with me later during the flight.

“Still not ready to talk to me?” I sat beside Jim and stared at him.

“I don’t have anything to say to you…” he crossed his arms without looking at me. He was wearing aviators inside a plane, well, he was clearly hangovered.

“If I could only have a chance to explain everything maybe you would have something to say, bad or good, I’d love to hear it.”

“Well, if you didn’t notice yet, I’m still not interested in your excuses… And by the way, where was Gates yesterday? You must know, right?” his insinuating smirk stung me like a knife.

“Damn it, James, stop acting like a spoiled brat about it. It already happened, if I could turn back time I would, you know I would. I could’ve said any other name.” I tried to get a hold on his hand but he just pulled it off.

“Oh, you could’ve said any other name BUT mine, right? If you’re trying to fix things up, you’re not pulling it off…” he chuckled.

“Please, what do you want me to do? I’ll do anything to get your eyes into mine and listen to what I have to say.” Goddamn, why can’t I just cross this stupid barrier between us? I’m practically begging to apologize here.

“Just… I want you to leave me alone now.” He got up and escaped from my sight. I could only gasp in defeat.

That moment I thought about given up. But I felt an empty space inside my heart barely screaming we were not done yet. I knew there was more to come for us. I just had to find the right words to express that and make him listen to me just one more time.
And I wasn’t in the mood for testing my theory that night after the concert in Florida, but something was about to convince me otherwise…

I finished cleaning and fixing Brian’s nameless guitars into their places when I saw them already reuniting with some fans on the backstage. I noticed lots of beers and JD bottles spread across the room and just by that I could tell that night would be one of those. The one that anything can happen after the stage lights and fire fade out.
That scenario reminded me one thing: my first time with Jimmy. But…my eyes just failed to find his around there. Where is he, anyway?

I begin to walk through those people and nothing, not even a sign of him. And my worried eyes just found something else there to distract my mind a little.
I stood away from Brian and watched his every move by distance. He was sitting in the couch with some blond chick whispering something on her ear.

That wasn’t supposed to annoy me, right? But it was.

The way her hand was almost rubbing his groin shamelessly in front of everyone just got me jealous to the bone. I just didn’t know why I was feeling like something mine was being taken if we didn’t have any strings attached to each other. He is a free man, he can do whatever he intend to even after confessing me he liked me, right? Yes, exactly, he can, he’s Synyster Gates, the charming man with the ‘super power’ of fooling around with multiple girls without giving a shit about feelings. For one brief moment, I thought I had forgotten that…

I tried to disguise my gaze at them but apparently I was failing miserably, cause Brian just looked inside my eyes with an evil glare and ravished the hell out of that false blonde’s mouth. Was he…really enjoying having a crowd for his cheap porn scene? Did he want me to watch that?

I diverted my head right away, focusing on finding Jimmy again. But something really strong made me look back at them; a bit of jealousy maybe.

They finished the kiss and he whispered on her ear again. This time I shivered just from imagining his breath close to my weak spot on my neck. God, just…look away again, Emily, this is not of your damn business!

I didn’t obey my fucking neurons now. I stood staring at them to notice she had nodded at him in agreement, with a smirk printed at her face right away. What the hell was he saying to her? Just gotta be the dirtiest thing.

He looked down and her hand slowly got from his neck to his chest down to his pants and…well, she achieved her destination and that was his pocket, thank god. I let out a heavy relief sigh. I was prepared to see a lot of women around Brian but…fuck, I wasn’t expecting to be that hard to handle my feelings.

She took something out of there and brought to his sight. I was standing a bit far, so I couldn’t actually figure out what that was. Brian had that silly grin of his by seeing the content on her hand and kissed her roughly again, causing my face to burn with anger at that.

Then she spread something on top of her almost-popping-out-of-her-blouse cleavage and leaned her head back with a slow closure of eyes. That was enough clue for me to know exactly what she had taken out of his pocket.

Brian found my eyes again and smiled like a devil before raising one eyebrow at me. He was certainly making a big effort to tease me now, he was clearly doing that to provoke me.
I just narrowed at him as I watched the tip of his upright nose draw a path from her neck to her chest slowly and so torturously for my sight. He gazed at me once more before closing his eyes to immerse his nostrils on her left breast, where a white powder was expecting his snort. The stupid girl buried her fingers on his hair as he blew it all from her skin and licked the rest out of her after. Judging by how long her jaw remained dropped and his eyes remained closed, that must’ve been more than ecstatic for both of them equally.

My chin fell down without my awareness and maybe, just maybe, I felt a tiny bit of what that woman had experienced now just by watching them. As much as that scene had the power to hurt me and bug the hell out of me, well, for a moment, I wished I could be her, I wished I could’ve had that kick she just had, that unique high I only experienced once before with him when his lips touched mine. No drugs needed.

My accelerated breathing finally got normal again when they started to share a clumsy kiss and it just brought me back to reality. From my own background, getting high alone to be with someone sober just wasn’t the best option. Just saying…
And then I saw it: how screwed up that couple was to me, how I had screwed up with Jimmy just like that and how important it was to find him now and try to fix things once and for all.

If Brian was thinking that making me jealous would make it easier for him to get into my pants, well, that wasn’t the right way to handle me, dude! Why the hell would I trade what I have with James for that? Just to be cheated at every single after concert at every single tour? Of course Brian didn’t want me to be his girlfriend, he just wanted to fulfill his desire to ditch me in the next morning, like he would probably do with that blond groupie.

I lived long enough to understand that a relationship isn’t just based on lust, and I’m sick of living just by that. I was trying to settle down, to find the right man finally, that man that will not just fulfill my desire but that will stick with me through thick and thin. I wasn’t getting any younger. And I didn’t believe I could find someone like that until I found Jimmy. He wanted the same things as me, I could tell he was sick of that ‘drugs, sex and rock’n roll’ rite. Well, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no contraindication to sex and rock’n roll, we can still pull those off very well!

Brian wasn’t looking for that kind of stuff now, he was still having the fun of his life being a rockstar, no strings attached, no feelings hurt, not a single care in the world. He wasn’t ready for a real relationship. Maybe with a blow up doll…

After all those reflection in just a few minutes, I figured all out.

Brian is not the man I’m looking for now. Jimmy is. I gotta find him now!

I let that crowded room behind me and went to find a back exit when I bumped into Jason.

“Hey Ems, where are you going? Wanna join us for some strip poker?” he let out his charming grin for me.

“Really tempting Jay, but I have to find Jimmy now. Have you seen him around here?” I asked in a hurry.

“Ohhh I’ve seen him telling Shads he was going straight to the hotel tonight, he seemed…sad. I didn’t ask why though.”

“Okay, you were really helpful! Save me my strip poker sit for another day okay?” I said with my hands already turning the exit doorknob.

I took a cab and rehearsed every single word I should say to Jimmy, I would just spit the whole thing out if he wanted or not. I couldn’t keep those secrets from him anymore. And after I make him listen, if he still didn’t want me back, that was it. I’d simply move on.
I stood in front of his hotel room door for several minutes before breathing once more and finally knocking on it.

“Emily, what part of ‘leave me alone’ you didn’t understand?” he appeared on the door and closed his eyes as if trying to contain his rage at the same time.

“James, please, I know I don’t have the right to ask you anything now. But I’m begging you, please. All I’m asking is…a second chance to tell you everything I’ve been hiding from you and that has been killing me all this time. Just…please, for the sake of everything we once had, hear me out.” I sounded totally desperate and that made him change his features from anger to worry in seconds. He bit his lip and I did the same.

“Okay, whatever...” he stepped back and let me in. I wanted to smile but held it as hard as I could.

I sat on the bed and gazed at him intensely, trying to invite him to join me. He just kept hanging by the door, looking at the floor, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Just…come here.” He finally looked back and hesitated a bit when I made the sign for him to sit next to me. Then he followed suit quite far from me. “Well…I’m gonna tell you my story and if you still don’t want to give me another chance, I’ll completely understand, ok?”

“Just tell me.” I sighed heavily. It was time now.

“I was born in NY with adorable parents that presented me to the strongest passion of my life, music. I had classic guitar classes before I was ten and when I was about 15, I joined a garage band with a few friends. That was when I discovered my even bigger passion for rock music. My life just didn’t mean anything without it.” I said it all with my eyes stuck on his. “At seventeen, my parents threw out a deal to me: I could only stay with my band if I took the test at Juilliard. So I accepted the challenge even though I knew it wasn’t possible to keep up with both of them, someday I would have to choose. I passed the exams and that day came after a month, I had to give up sleeping if I wanted to keep doing that double journey, and it wasn’t working. So I just gave up Juilliard and my disappointed parents made me quit my band a day after. That was the day I took my savings, my guitar and a few clothes to run off to Cali without saying goodbye cause I knew that if I stood at that gray and rainy city I would be just a nobody for the rest of my life.” I looked down and tried to contain a few tears.

Jimmy stood quiet, I couldn’t even hear his breathing.

“I had heard that a really good music school had a program for jazz and improvisation so I applied there and met my friend Jess. She was kind of in the same situation as me although her parents lived a few blocks from the tiny apartment we rented. She wanted to be independent and I wanted to be free, we hit it on right away.” I grinned and maybe I saw Jimmy do the same with the corner of my eye. Maybe. “My parents kept in touch with me almost everyday, trying to convince me to come back and I begin to ignore their calls after a few days, I was sick of that, I had 18 already, I could do whatever the hell I wanted with my life. After a few weeks, the phone calls just stopped and I started to have that heartache when you know something is about to happen. And there it was…” I gulped and my mouth began to quiver when I finally allowed one tear to escape from my heavy heart. “…one morning I received a call from a hospital in Manhattan, an unknown woman’s voice telling me that there had been this…car accident caused by a… drunk driver and…” endless tears capped my vision and it was just impossible to control my sobs. I never thought that telling this story for the first time to someone would hurt that much. But it did. It stabbed my heart exactly like it did at the day it happened.

When I least expected, I felt Jimmy’s grip on my hand resting on my knee. My other hand was trying to hide the shame I was letting show through my desolated and teary eyes.

“…all I had died with them that day, Jimmy, all my stupid dreams, all my hopes, I didn’t have anything left. I still don’t, in fact. That was when I met everything that had written on its label: made to forget or made to kill the few you have left. I found our old friends Jack Daniels and Johnnie Walker. I found coke, I found ecstasy, valium, fentanyl and finally…my best friend heroin. None of them seemed to fill the void and erase my guilt but H and I lost count of how many times I had to kick smack out of my system for all those years. I never thought I could find that warm sensation again without it. But I found it with you…” he sat closer to me and just cleaned a few tears from my cheeks gently.

“Why…why didn’t you tell me all of this before?” he said something for the first time in a whisper as his right arm caressed my shoulders and my back softly.

“I never told this to anyone before, you’re the first to ever know about this beside Jess.” I kept sobbing. “But that wasn’t the point exactly. I’m here to explain about what happened that night in NY. Now that you know why I hate that place, you understand why I was acting cold like that. I couldn’t sleep without dosing myself, I couldn’t function too. So I just got some coke to stay awake and…to be the girlfriend that can at least satisfy her man’s needs. I just wanted to make you happy and I knew I was failing everyday at that task.” I looked at him, he had pity eyes. “And that stupid incident happened…I spent so much time working with Brian that… Fuck, I know there’s no excuse for that. I messed up big time and if you can’t forgive me I promise I’ll leave you alone now…” I was about to rise from the bed when he held my arm tight.

“No! Please, stay.” He spoke softly and brought my body close to his into a tight embrace. God, how I missed that.

“If you are just saying that to comfort me, I should just…” I tried to divert from his arms but he held my neck in a way I couldn’t escape and kissed me slowly.

“I missed you…so bad.” I kissed him back urgently and all those tears I was holding back again came in a big wave. “Let’s forget about everything. Stay here with me tonight.” He said in between our salty kisses and that was when I felt that warm feeling again inside me. Exactly what I needed.

That night we made love like never before. And I felt I could never grow apart from him again.

I smiled even more now at that memory. Now we could move on without any secrets, nothing could stop us now. Could it?

I opened the fridge and put the wine bottle back in there just as I had taken off, I didn’t feel like drinking now.

I turned off the lights and went directly to my bed to finally take a good rest after 3 months of back pain. And a few weeks of heartache and confusion that…ended finally…

Notes

Hey what u think? Few things cleared up now? =D

next is zacky's? I guess so...hahaha xD