Brian's Letters To Matthew

“Do you still think about him?”

Brian nods, “I do. I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about my son.”
“That’s normal,” said the therapist, “You grew and developed a child. There’s a connection.”
Brian nods as he listens.
“How do you feel not writing in your journal?”
“It’s different. It helps me get through everything by writing it out. I’ve tried writing again but it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel as depressed as I did when I started this.”
“That’s good,” the therapist with a smile.
He writes down notes, “Have you thought about seeing your son?”
“I thought about it. I thought about finding Matt but… I wouldn’t even know where to start. I really don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine what they think of me.”
“I ask because it might clear your mind and maybe give you some sort of closure.”
“Maybe but I’m still nervous and scared.”
“And that’s normal to have those emotions Brian. It’s a big step.”
Brian nods.
“I think great progress has been made. I think we should try skipping next appointment to see how you do. Okay?”
“Okay,” Brian replies, “I think I can manage that. Thank you Doctor.”

------x------

“Pleeeeease Babe?”
Zacky rolls over, his back to his fiancé, “I already told you. I don’t feel good. I’m sorry.”
“Do you need to see a doctor?” Jimmy asks.
Zacky shakes his head, “No. It’s just a headache.”
Jimmy holds Zacky close, spooning, “So cuddling time?”
Zacky nods, “Cuddling feels better.”
He sighs as he close his eyes, “Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.”
Jimmy plants a kiss on Zacky’s head, “Good night. Love you.”
Zacky smiles, “Love you too.”

In the morning, Jimmy wakes up to a ratchet sound. He finds Zacky throwing up in the toilet.
Zacky looks up and see his beloved, “So I’m not better.”
“Looks like you have a stomach flu bug,” Jimmy comments.
Zacky does one more round before he stands up. He rinses his mouth in the bathroom sink.
“Let’s get your butt back in bed,” Jimmy says as he leads Zacky out of the bathroom and through the bedroom.
Zacky groans as he makes his way to his bed. He climbs back in bed with Jimmy tucking him in.
“Why am I sick?” Zacky asks as a rhetorical question, “It hit me out of the fucken blue.”
“Sickness does that sometimes,” Jimmy replies, “Just get some rest. I’ll bring something to eat later.”
Zacky tilts his head, “You’re not laying with me?”
“No way,” Jimmy shakes his head, “I don’t want to catch your cooties.”
Zacky rolls his eyes, “Thanks Babe.”

Zacky plops his head on his pillow and closed his eyes, trying to sleep.

------x------

Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump.

Brian could feel the kicks of his son inside of his body. He laid on the couch, staring at his swollen belly.
Brian rubs his stomach, “is that so?”
Thump-Thump. Thump.
Brian chuckles, “and then what?”
Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.

Suzy Haner smiles as she sees Brian interact with his unborn child. She’s folding clothes as he talks to his stomach. It was the happiest she seen him in a long while, like the child made him forget the pain.

Thump. Thump-Thump. Thump.
“You’re so energetic today,” said Brian, “and you’re getting so big. Doctor says you’re so healthy.”
Thump-Thump.
Brian smiles but it soon fades, revealing a frown. He knew he’d miss those kicks.
Thump. Thump-Thump-Thump.
He rubs his belly, “I’ll miss you… because I love you so much. But don’t worry Love, I found you a family. I know they will take good care of you. Better than I ever could.”
Thump-Thump. Thump.

Brian gently rocks side-to-side. Not big rocking, little swaying rocking. He begins to hum. He feels the kicking slowing down, like his baby boy was being rocked to sleep. Brian continues this for a bit before laying still. He yawns.
“Sweet dreams Love,” Brian speaks softly before he yawns again.
Brian closes his eyes and takes a nap with his son.

Notes