Brian's Letters To Matthew

Dear Matthew,

Second trimester, which was during summer vacation, was when the baby bump really started to show. Our baby always liked to kick and move around. At five and a half months, I found out our baby is a boy. I could have watched the ultrasound for hours. Watching him move around inside my womb, seeing his fingers and toes wiggle, hearing his healthy heartbeat. Seeing that made the swelling feet worth it, the sore back worth it, and the tiredness worth it. Doing this so a life can grow. I still knew I couldn’t raise a child, so I made the decision that I was going to put our child up for adoption. I believed that our son would have a better life this way and the parenting instinct told me that our son would have a better life without me in it. I’m a barely functioning human being and I wasn’t ready to tell our child that you aren’t going to be here with us. Mainly because I, of course, never told you that you are a father. I assume that you would have thought I was trying to have you come back to me. Even though, in my heart, I would never deceive you but I don’t know what your heart tells you. The only thing I know is that your heart doesn’t want my love for you.

Watching the ultrasound also made me wonder what our son would look like. Would he look more like you? Or like me? Being a male pregnancy, would he look like either one of us? Of course, I didn’t find out until I gave birth to him, but I’ll save that for another letter. My other wonders lead me to think if our son would be greatly interested in music like we were. Would he like to sing his heart out like you did? Or would he like to play guitar like me? Maybe he wants to play a different instrument or have different interests entirely.
Writing?
Drawing?
Science?
Medicine?
Technology?
Only he knows.

Would he whore around?
Or would he find the love of his life?
Would he be a clean boy?
Or would he get into drinking and drugs?
Only he knows.

Would he be straight, gay, or bisexual?
Would he be a straight A student?
Or a flunk-out?
Would he be a popular kid?
Or have a few friends?
Only our son knows.

Being his parent, I can only wish that he succeeds his dreams and does well throughout his entire life. Even if he has only a few friends, I’d be happy for him. I hope he finds his soul mate, doesn’t matter if it’s a woman or a man, and they live happily ever after. Maybe they’ll have kids of their own. That’s all I can really wish for, for our precious baby boy.

With all my love,

Brian

---x---

While cleaning his living room, Brian found the tape of his son’s ultrasound in the entertainment center. A small smile appears on his face. A hand lays on his stomach, even though it’s flat instead of rounded when the ultrasound had taken place. Brian decides to put the movie in. He sits on the floor, pretzel leg style, as he watches his 5 ½ month developed child. Brian put a hand on the tv screen, a few tingles of static electricity dance at his fingers.

A small smile appears on Brian’s face once again, “Even though you’re not with me, I will always love you.”

Notes

Thoughts??