Brian's Letters To Matthew

“There’s a lot of tear stains on these pages I just read,” said Zacky.
“Do you think he got rid of his kid?” Johnny asks.
“Like what do you mean?” Jimmy asks back.
“I mean… abortion,” Johnny answers, “He doesn’t sound like he would be a guy to do that, but you never know.”
“I don’t think so either,” said Jimmy, “It could mean he gave it up for adoption.”
“True,” Johnny replies.
“What’s an abortion?” Mattie asks.
“It’s when the baby… is killed before it’s born,” Jimmy answers.
“Why would anyone want to do that?” Mattie asks.
“Some people can’t handle having a kid,” Jimmy explains.
“Why not adoption?” Mattie asks as he walks to his big brother, “It worked out for us.”
Zacky smiles as he picks up Mattie for a hug, “Thanks Buddy.”
“Why do people do that abort thing?” Mattie asks as he sits on Zacky’s lap, “I mean there are other ways.”
“Well,” Zacky tries to explain, “Some people get forced into having a baby. Others make an oops and have a baby.”
“Well being forced I can understand,” said Mattie, “But why should a kid suffer because their parents made an oops?”
“This is why I voting Mattie Baker for President,” said Jimmy as he goes for a high five from Mattie.
“I say we read more and find out,” said Johnny.
Zacky opens the journal, “There’s tear stains on these pages too…”

---x---

Dear Matthew,

March 10, 1997

Another date I will never forget. The day I lost you. I was home alone and totally bored. When you knocked at my door, I had a smile on my face just seeing you on my porch. Although it went away when I sensed something was wrong. I sat on the couch next to you, my heart trying to beat out of my chest. Then I felt my heart painfully break piece by piece when you told me you fell out of love with me.

You were the love of my life. You’re still the love of my life. To hear that you don’t love me anymore made me feel like my heart and soul have been taken I’m nothing but a shell. I wanted to wake up from this horrific nightmare but I went more and more into a depression when I realized that is real. I begged for you to tell me what I had to change to have you stay with me. You said there’s nothing wrong with me. How could that be? You fell out of love with me, there must be something wrong.

I begged and pleated for you to stay, but nothing I did changed your mind. It was so hard to see you go. I wanted nothing more for you to come back, be in your arms, and to have your love again.

I cried and cried until I blacked out. I couldn’t take the pain. After I woke up, the pain was so unbearable that I needed something to distract me from the pain. I reached for the first thing that came to mine, the razors in my father’s garage. I’m ashamed to admit, but yes I started cutting myself. I felt as though I needed to be punished. I had to be the reason you left. I had to be, and for that I believed I had to be punished. I cut and cut until I grew numb. I kept making myself numb. I couldn’t withstand losing you. My life crumbled to pieces that day. I may have built my life back up but the wall is very brittle. I’m a broken person, Matthew. Not because of you, I would never blame you Matthew. Even though you don’t love me anymore, I still love you.

I’ll always love you Matthew. My heart and soul can’t let go of that love, no matter how hard it tries. I can never stop loving you Matthew. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to stop loving you. A piece of me still has hope for us… hope that you’ll come back to me.

A hope that glues the pieces of me together.

With all my love,

Brian

---x---

“What did I do Matt? I-I can change… I can change for you Matt.”

Teenage Brian is on his knees, hands clamped together with tears in his eyes as he begs before Teenage Matthew.

“It’s not because of you Brian I swear,” Matt replies, “It’s because of me.”
“Then why are you leaving me?” Brian asks, his voice breaking.
“It’s not fair for you for me to stay if there’s nothing between us anymore,” Matt answers.
“Please don’t go Mattie,” Brian begs, his hands clenching to Matt’s jeans at the knees, “We can work it out.”
“I’m sorry Brian,” Matt says, a tear escaping his right eye, “I tried and I just don’t want to keep dragging you along… I’m sorry.”
Matt turns around and walks away.
“No!” Brian cries, trying to stand on his feet, “Mattie please! Please don’t go! Matt don’t leave!”
Brian manages to stand and goes to the door to see Matt get in his car. Matt looks over to see Brian at the screen door. Tears in his chocolate brown eyes. Another tear escapes from Matt before he backs out of the driveway and drives away.


Matt wakes up from his nightmare. He brushes his shoulder length hair out of his face before rubbing the sleepy seeds out of his hazel eyes. The aroma of breakfast food meets his senses. He walks to the kitchen.
“Mama?” he asks in a groggy voice.
Mrs. Sanders turns her head to see her son, “Morning Sweetheart. I came by to make you some breakfast. I haven’t seen you in a while and you know how a mother worries.”
Matt plants a kiss on his mother’s temple, “I’m okay Mom. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I appreciate you doing this for me.”
“Anything for my boy,” Mrs. Sanders replies, “Now eat up.”
Matt grabs a plate and indulges in his mother’s wonderful cooking. Matt has changed since his teenage years. He now has his natural hair color of caramel brown which has grown to shoulder length. He also more tattoos to decorate his skin. He’s much more built than he was at sixteen. Wearing nothing but medium gray pajama pants, a white muscle shirt… and a special golden locket around his neck.

Notes

Thoughts??