Welcome to the Family

I had just finished getting ready for our next show and was now sitting in my bunk, mentally preparing myself. I didn’t want to psych myself out and get nervous all over again, which would just put me right back into another hospital if I got sick.

I had really bad anxiety and would often find myself in situations where I would go into small anxiety attacks, mostly caused by my nerves or fears. Man, it seemed I had a lot of things fucked up about me, but I wasn’t going to let that all control me anymore.

I was finally willing to stand up for myself, feel confident in everything I am and will do, and forget about what lies in the past. I buried every thought of back then, six feet in the grave and was never going to look back. I was finally going to move on.

There was a gentle knock at the door, tearing me away from my optimistic thoughts, and optimism was something I never had before…until now.

“May I come in?” Brian’s voice chimed in from behind the cracked door.

I chuckled and was glad that he was kind enough to ask first, but it wasn’t as if I owned the bunk room. “You may,” I said, poking fun at the way he had asked. It would have been fine if he had just said, ‘Yo, I'm comin’ in.’

He smiled as he walked in, closing the door behind him. “Okay, so I have some good news for you.”

“What is it?” I asked curiously. Judging by his smile, it was obviously something good.

“I just got a call from Richard and his boys, you know, the ones we met earlier from today.” I nodded. “Well anyway, they’re all staying in Dallas for tonight and they just told me they’d really like to come to your show tonight.”

I smiled. “Really, why’s that?”

“Well they already took a listen to your album. They told me that they really liked you guys.”

My smile grew from ear to ear. It was nice, finally to hear from someone other than our manager, telling us that we were good, or even if they had liked us. “They really said that?” I asked as I stood.

He nodded. “Yeah, of course. I don’t see how they couldn't, because you guys are great.”

Before I could actually think, I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him, jumping in excitement.

He laughed, as he understood why the urge to hug him had come over me. “Don’t want to burst you happy bubble or anything,” He said, pulling us apart enough to where he could look at me.

My jumping had ceased, feeling uneasy to hear what he was going to say. “But…?” I asked him to continue.

He chuckled, seeing my expression. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. I'm just saying I don’t want you to get too excited just yet. It doesn’t mean anything yet, but if they’re willing to, Richard said they might take you guys on tour with them!”

My jaw dropped to the floor. I didn’t know what to do or say. I literally felt like my feet were glued to the floor.

He laughed again. “That’s a good thing! You should be excited!”

“How…We-…Are you fucking serious?” I shouted. I'm sure the guys could hear me all the way from the living room, even through the closed door and with the basketball game on. “Killswitch Engage might take us on tour?”

Brian nodded again and laughed at my enthusiasm. “Yeah, it’s a possibility. They’re going to decide later on tonight after your show.”

“I'm guessing she heard the news?” I could hear Cody shout to Brian.

“Yup, just told her!” He shouted back to him.

“Well way to go. Now my nerves are back.” I said, feeling my face flush. I was still happy, it’s just now we were definitely going to have to pull off an amazing show tonight. What if they liked our album, but hate the way we sounded live? What if they realize the guys were better performers than I was? It was true. I wasn’t that great when it came to standing up on stage and putting on a show.

Cody had his tricks and awesome beats. Kyle had his sweet moves and charming looks. Will was always the one who got all of the girl’s attention, just by being good at what he does. He and Blake both had amazing voices and always rocked their guitars. What did I have that was so great, or special? I’ll tell ya…nothing.

“Relax Chels’. You have nothing to worry about. They’re going to love you.”

I smiled, thankful to have Brian here to keep me sane. I don’t know what I would do if he went off to manage another band.

He laid his hand against my cheek, gently rubbing his thumb across. “I know I do.”

“Do what?” I asked breathlessly. I had no idea what was going on anymore. It was as if everything around me was now frozen in time and it was just us.

He suddenly became serious, his smile disappearing. He tilted my chin up, inching closer.

All I knew was that in one moment, we were talking about Killswitch Engage, and in the next, he was kissing me.

His lips gently brushed mine, not quite pressing them together. It was almost as if he were trying to tease me, making me long for him even more than I already was. In my head, I was demanding for him to kiss me, not having enough courage to say it out loud.

As if he read my mind, he leaned in and finally pressed our lips together. At first, all I could do was stand there underneath him, feeling complete shock that this was actually happening, but then the longer he kissed me, the more confident I became, ready to kiss him back. Before I could do anything, kiss him back or even move, he pulled away, looking down into my eyes, searching for something.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you want to kiss me?” I asked, not at all ready for it to end.

“I was wondering the same thing about you. You didn’t kiss me back.” He shrugged in confusion.

I smiled sheepishly. “Well you kind of caught me by surprise there.”

He chuckled, cupping my cheek again. “Well I guess I kind of surprised myself too. Sorry about that.”

He had just finished his sentence when I leaned forward and pressed our lips together again. I felt him smile as he pulled me closer, grabbing both sides of my face. I moved my lips in harmony with his as he took his time to part his lips. I could feel the thousands of butterflies dancing around in my stomach. I wrapped my arms around his neck again just as the kiss grew from slow and steady to firmly passionate. His hand traced up my neck and made its way to tangling in my hair. I did the same thing with his hair, lustfully pulling him in even closer. My lips were starting to become sore from how hard our lips were pressed together. I parted my mouth, just enough to take in more air, but he stole the opportunity to slip his tongue inside.

He quickly removed his hand and pressed my back against the part of the bunks that separated each other, getting a better grip onto me. Our tongues began to dance together in a rhythmic motion as his hand made its way down my neck, passing my chest and then pulled our hips together.

I tried not to let the small moan escape but somehow it managed. He pulled me from the bunk by wrapping his arms around my waist, cradling me against himself. I began to feel like I was going to melt into his arms as we continued to kiss. I never thought I would have gotten to kiss him, just that I would only be able to admire him in this stupid little crush I had. I had no idea that he liked me enough to want to kiss me.

My pessimistic side kicked in and negative thoughts began to cloud my mind. What if this meant nothing to him…just a kiss, nothing more? Did he actually like me, or was he just in the mood for something more? Something I wasn’t ready for…not from anyone, even if I did care about them like I did Brian.

I pushed him away as quickly as I could, not wanting this anymore. I had to get out of here. I looked up to see hurt in his eyes, but how was I supposed to explain? There was no way I could just ask the questions I had running through my head out loud. Truly, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, if this actually did mean something to him, but I couldn't let myself get hurt either, not again…

“What’s-” He began, but then someone else cleared their throat.

We both turned quickly to look. Kyle had must have just walked in, but that was enough to see what had happened.

“Kyle…uh, it’s not-” I blushed and began to say, but the look he shot me shut me up in an instant.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Chelsea.” He threw the look at Brian, somehow managing to keep his tone calm but firm at the same time. “I think it’s time you should leave.” He said, crossing his arms across his chest. He had already made up his mind on what he wanted to do with him.

Brian nodded shamefully and tucked his hands inside his pockets, beginning to walk away without a word. I quickly grabbed onto his arm and pulled him back.

“No, he doesn’t have to go anywhere.” I said, standing in between them.

Kyle’s face finally had shown his anger. “Stay out of it Chelsea.” He demanded, almost getting in my face. “This is none of your business.”

I scoffed. “None of my business? Hell, if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be making him leave!”

He stifled a sardonic laugh. “Exactly, because of you.”

I was about to tell him that I agreed, but that was no reason to kick him off, when Brian interrupted. “Chelsea, it’s okay. He’s right, it’s time I should go.”

“Brian, please…” I begged, spinning around to face him.

He glanced up at Kyle, maybe hoping he would budge and change his mind, but we both knew that wasn’t going to happen. He was too much of self-centered, stubborn jackass.

Brian sighed. “I guess I'll just see you at the show, but after that…” He shrugged and shook his head. He looked back up at me. “I'm sorry, Chels’.” With that he left and got off the bus.

I watched as he walked away, tears streaming up in my eyes. Kyle was watching too from over his shoulder, and as soon as he turned back to scold me, I reached up to slap him. He caught me just in time and yanked my hand back.

I winced and gave out a small cry at his tight grip on my wrist. “Don’t get mad at me. This is all your fault!” He said, tossing me from his hold.

I lost my balance but luckily landed in his bunk from above mine. “I know, okay? I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean you can just go ahead and kick him off the bus! He’s our manager Kyle! We need him!”

“We need to talk,” He said, turning to walk way, but I didn’t budge from my place. “All of us...NOW!”

I was in pure shock. Kyle had never laid a hand on me like that, no matter how mad he had gotten. He was never the type to show his anger through aggression. Usually he kept to himself and held in his feelings. Maybe he had just finally snapped…

I stood and sulked my way into the living room behind him with my head down. I was too ashamed of myself to even look anyone in the eyes right now. Believe me, if I could, I would have taken that kiss back. I wasn’t thinking. I should have known nothing good would have come from it.

“Hey, what’s going on? Why was everyone yelling?” Cody asked as I shoved past Kyle, hearing him grunt and went over to sit on the couch next to Blake, still having my head down. I knew he was probably sending me a look of daggers right now but there was no way I could let them all see my tear streaked face. I tried hiding it as best as I could behind my hair.

“Yeah and where did Brian go?” Will asked from sitting next to Cody. Kyle was still standing in the middle of the room between us all with his arms crossed.

“I don’t fucking know. Why don’t you ask Chelsea? Maybe she knows.” I looked up just in time to catch his smirk.

Will met my eyes before I could look away. “What’s wrong Chelsea? Why are you crying?” That got everyone’s attention on me now. I shook my head and hid again, unable to speak.

“Go ahead Chelsea, tell them.” Kyle demanded with such force in his tone it made me want to shrink into myself. I knew if I didn’t tell them, he would, but still I couldn’t find a way to say anything, to tell them that I had just ruined everything.

A low growl rose from his chest. “Fine, if you aren’t going to tell them, I will.”

Blake kept looking back and forth between us, trying to read our expressions. “Tell us what?” He asked cautiously. Obviously, he was still clueless. This was going to be harder than I thought.

“Why Brian left,” Kyle sneered straight down at me. “Why we no longer have a manager, and it’s all because of her.”

“What?” They all stood and began to shout profusely, jumbling their words together to where I couldn’t even understand them anymore.

I wanted to cover my ears and go escape into my bunk, to hide and never come back out. I couldn’t face them all anymore. I knew Kyle was right. This was my entire fault. I never should have let my feelings overcome me. I should have just pushed Brian away the second I realized what he was doing.

“Okay, okay! Everyone shut up!” Blake shouted, stepping in to get everyone to calm back down so he could speak. “What happened?” He asked me, still trying to drown out both Will and Cody’s ranting.

“Go ahead Chels’, tell them. Tell them that kissing Brian was worth losing him as our manager. Was it really worth it, or was it just in the heat of the moment that you couldn’t help yourself?” Kyle began to mock me before I could even speak. I knew he was just trying to get a rise out of me. “I say we fire his ass.” It was working.

“What?” They all screamed in pure shock.

I quickly threw off the pillow I'd been holding and stood up, standing in front of Kyle. “Just shut the hell up, Kyle! It wasn’t Brian’s fault, so don’t get all pissy with him. I can't help it that you’re just jealous, but that is no reason to go and fire him!”

“You kissed Brian?” Cody asked, still in disbelief. I couldn’t come out and say it to them. I continued to bow my head, too ashamed of myself.

“Tell me it isn’t true.” Blake asked in a hushed whisper. I looked up to meet his sad and desperate eyes. All I could do was nod in response.

“Oh my god!” Will and Cody both shouted.

Cody’s face twisted in disgust. “But he’s like…8 years older than you are.” I rolled my eyes.

“Jealous?” Kyle snorted, completely ignoring them. “You honestly think I'm jealous? Of what, that he kissed you? Please, if I actually wanted you, which I don’t, I would have made my move a long time ago, and believe me, that wasn’t going to happen.” He smirked again, trying to hurt my feelings.

I faked a laugh. “Yeah, right. You are such a cocky son of a bitch, do you know that? I know you've had feelings for me since I first met you, you were just too big of a coward to admit it."

Cody tried not to laugh, making an oohing sound and concealed his smile. Kyle first shot him a glare but quickly spun on me, towering over me. “Oh, get over your damn self-”

“Me? I'm not the one who’s fucking conceited!” I spat back. He was about to throw another insult when Will stepped in and interrupted.

“Okay, okay. She kissed him, that's gross and all, but that doesn’t mean we have to get into an argument and fire him. We need a manager, especially if we're still going to be on tour. We can't just go on without someone booking us gigs. Like it or not, we need Brian."

I threw a smirk at Kyle, but he just rolled his eyes and huffed, keeping his arms across his chest. "Fine, we'll put it to a vote. It's between Brian leaves, or Brian stays."

"Fine," I mumbled, also crossing my arms even though I really didn’t want to be doing this.

I wanted Brian to stay no matter what the vote was. This was all of my fault just because of some stupid little crush I had. This could ruin the band, or ruin my friendship between Brian and between the band. I just prayed everything would work out for all of them and just go back to normal. If I could, I would take it all back and would have pushed Brian away when he first started kissing me. Things would have been awkward between us, like now, but nothing else would have happened and no one would hate me right now.

"Alright," Will said, standing in between Kyle and I. "That sounds fair. Raise your hand if you want Brian to leave, but keep in mind," He said before anyone could raise their hands. "We'll have to search for a whole new manager, and who knows how long that will take, or if that we'll even find one. Now, all opposed to Brian staying?"

Kyle was the first one to raise his hand, throwing it in the air as fast as he could. I stood in front of him and glowered. He shot the look right back and waited for any other person to be in agreement with him.

I laughed, seeing that he was the only one. He laughed right back and smirked. At first, I didn’t know why, but then I followed his eyes and spun around. Blake had his hand raised.

I looked at Blake in complete shock. "Blake, what are you doing?"

He reluctantly shrugged. "Sorry Chels', but Kyle's right. We can't have him here trying to kiss you all of the time when he should be here doing his job."

My mouth dropped open in amazement. "Are you kidding me? You out of all people- I can't believe this! It was only one time! It won't happen again, I swear! It meant nothing to me!” I tried to convince him, but by the look in his eyes, he and Kyle both had their minds set. The tears began to fall faster.

"If it meant nothing, then why did you do it?" Kyle taunted, trying to make matters even worse for me.

I spun around and slapped him on his upper arm. "Shut up Kyle! Just stay the hell out of this. It's none of your business!”

"None of my business?" He scoffed, barely noticing that I had hit him. "I'm a part of this band, aren't I? It's just as much as my business as the rest of us, and I say Brian goes."

"Well I say he stays." I said, trying to get in his face.

"Alright, alright, you two. Enough, already." Will said, pulling us apart. "All in favor of Brian staying?"

I threw my hand in the air as high and as fast as I could. Will and Cody both raised their hands in certainty.

“Ha!” I laughed, trying to move in front of Will but he was easily able to keep me away from Kyle.

He tried to do the same and push him out of the way. “Shut up, you little bi-”

“Okay, enough!” Will broke in, shoving Kyle away. He had to literally hold us both at arm’s length. “It’s over now. Brian stays,”

“Thank god,” Cody and I both breathed out at the same time.

"Alright," Blake sighed in defeat. "Who's going to call Brian and let him know that he can stay?"

"I don’t even think he knows that he was almost fired." Cody stated.

"Oh believe me, I think he knows." Kyle remarked.

I sighed, trying to ignore him. "I'll do it. I got him in this mess. I'll be the one to get him out of it."

"You're still in trouble too, you know." Kyle grumbled towards me as I was handed Will’s phone.

I threw him a nasty look over my shoulder and continued to walk towards the back room. I shut the door behind me and slowly sat down on the black leather couch.

I sighed and held my head in my hands. How was I going to call him, to even talk to him? I felt like my nerves were shot and all of the confidence I had earlier had completely vanished. How could one moment of my life be so perfect, but when I blinked, it all just seemed to be torn right out of my hands?

One simple kiss had almost ruined it all. I could have lost Brian’s job…my job. What if they fired the both of us? Realization had finally hit me. I had just come so close to losing everything I had built my life around, all because of a stupid, meaningless kiss.

I picked the phone back up and dialed Brian’s number. I didn’t blame him for not answering, but I decided it would have been easier for the both of us if I had just left a message. I was just going to keep it short and simple. "Hey, Brian. Sorry to be bothering you right now, but I just called to let you know that we still want you, want you to be managing us, I mean. Anyway, we all talked it over and we just want you to come back. I'm sorry for this whole thing. I took the blame, just please...come back.” I whispered that last part. “Again…I'm sorry. Bye…”

Notes