Welcome to the Family

I nervously tugged on my shirt for the hundredth time, trying to find a way to stay calm for tonight’s big show. By now, with all of the times that I've done this so far, I would have been calm and ready to take my place on that stage, but not tonight. I not only had Killswitch Engage and their tour on my mind, but I also had to worry about what happened with Brian and me.

It scared me to realize how close I became to losing my position as the singer. What if the guys did decide to fire me? Were they going to put my job up to a vote, whether I should stay or not like they had with Brian? I'm sure they were considering it, but that’s what I deserved. I should have made the better decision. I'm the one who put not only my job on the line, but Brian’s too.

I stood backstage with the guys as we had just finished our rehearsal. All I could do was pace anxiously as the guys practiced and tuned their guitars. I tried to run the song lyrics through my head, hoping I wouldn’t forget them all of a sudden at the site of the large crowd, but all I could do was think about earlier.

I looked over at the boys preparing for the show. None of them have spoken to me, or have hardly even looked in my direction since we got off the bus. I didn’t blame them for not wanting to talk to me. I was mad at myself for what I did. Brian stood off to the far side of us, talking to Richard about the tour.

The stage we were playing on tonight was a lot bigger than our previous ones, making me all the more nervous. It was going to take a while to get used to how big we were getting. The stages were getting bigger, the crowd’s masses were growing stronger, and I swear, I thought I saw a few people singing some of our lyrics as we played at our last show. Maybe we were starting to get an actual fan base.

“Chelsea,” Someone called. I spun around to meet Brian standing with Richard, who was smiling down at me.

Brian’s face remained vacant and professional, but I could still see beyond that through his eyes. I knew that he was hurting just much as I was on the inside.

“Yes?” I asked, trying to keep a straight face as well, avoiding eye contact with Brian.

“Richard has a few words for you.” Brian told me, trying to make his fake smile seem real, but I knew better than to believe it.

“Yeah, I just wanted to wish you good luck on your show tonight.” Richard smiled.

I put on my best fake smile. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

He chuckled. “Of course, and I'm sure by now Brian here has told you about how much Killswitch has put you and your band into consideration.” I smiled, nodding for him to continue. “Even though they were going to wait to see your performance to make their decision, I can already tell you it’s a safe bet that it’s you they want.” He winked.

Wait…did he mean they already wanted Vanity Release, or just me? It had to have been the band that they wanted. Without them, I was nothing. Besides, what could Killswitch Engage possibly want from just me?

“Oh, well that’s great. Thanks for letting me know.” I shook his hand. “Are there any other bands that they were thinking about taking on tour with them?”

“You’re welcome,” From a side-glance, I could see Kyle pacing from across the room.

What was his problem? Was he still worked up about earlier, not wanting to see Brian and me together? We were just talking…about the band. I tried to ignore him as Richard continued to speak to me.

He was in the middle of a sentence when I went back to listening. “- and a few more bands, all that just made it. Like you guys, for example.” I nodded, still trying to smile and seem interested. I was truly, especially since it was about my career, but all I could seem to think about was that kiss.

“Hey Richard,” Adam said, coming over. Maybe he’ll help become a distraction for me so I can finally stop thinking about Brian. He seemed loud enough to get anyone’s attention from a mile away.

Richard turned around. “Oh, hey, I was just wishing Chelsea luck. I'm sure they’re going to be great tonight.” Richard smiled back to me.

Way to put the pressure on us, Richard. I tried to smile to but it mostly came out as a smirk. I hope he didn’t take it the wrong way.

“Oh, right. Yeah, good luck tonight.” Adam smiled genuinely. “It’s a pretty big crowd out there. You think you can handle it?” He teased.

This time the smirk was real, directed at Adam. “Oh, I think I can handle it.” No, I couldn’t… I was about to get sick at any moment from the nerves. “The guys and I will do just fine, thank you.”

All he did was smile back and laugh. One of the stagehands came in for a quick second, clapping his hands together. “Alright, you guys are on in five minutes.” He directed towards the band.

I nodded and began to pace even more, being able to feel the thousands of butterflies in my stomach again, making me nauseous and dizzy.

“Whoa, relax there. I thought you said you could handle it.” Adam chuckled.

I shook my head, not looking up from the floor. “I thought I could, but now…I just don’t even know anymore.” I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Take it easy. There’s nothing to be so nervous about. You’ll do just fine.” Adam tried to persuade and calm me down, but no matter who was trying to tell me all of this…it just wouldn’t help.

Cody came up from behind him. “Oh, it’s cool. She gets like this before every show.” He waved me off. “Though, I don’t think I've ever seen her get this bad.” He shook his head, but then laughed up at Adam. “Maybe you just make her nervous.”

I quickly looked up and shot him a look. Adam laughed and stepped back a little. “Who, me? Why would I make you nervous?” He asked me, but I just couldn’t speak, not yet anyway.

Cody snickered. “Maybe it’s your height. She’s so short that she gets afraid of tall people sometimes.”

I gasped as Adam just laughed, clutching on to an almost empty beer bottle. “Cody! That is not true!”

Will came up to us with his guitar. “Alright guys, come on. They’re calling us up there.”

Whoa, wait a minute. That was the quickest five minutes of my life! Did time really just pass by like that? I wasn’t ready to go up there, not now, not ever! What was I going to do? What if I passed out again? I was already feeling the same way I did before I ended up in the hospital.

Before I knew it, the guys were walking out one by one on stage, leaving me to come up last like usual. It was my turn to make my presence, but I just couldn’t move. My feet felt melted to the floor. Someone from behind me firmly pushed me out on to the stage. I looked back over my shoulder as I stumbled forward, seeing Adam waving at me to go and take my spot with a giant grin on his face. I waved back as a thank you and walked over to the center. I couldn’t do this…

I looked out at the biggest crowd we've ever had. There were tons of people, all grouped up together to form a massive wave of punk rockers, metal heads, and even a bunch of hippies. Was this our fan base? I think I was okay with that…just like they were okay with who were as a band.

I smiled and walked up to the microphone, throwing my hands up in the air. “How are we all doing tonight?” I shouted cheerfully, trying to get them all pumped up. They bellowed at me with shouts, creating a roar of voices that joined together to cheer back at me.

I laughed and nodded. “Alright, alright. Good to hear.” I saw a few smiles, which made me grin from ear to ear and even blush a little.

My confidence was slowly starting to fill back up. Just seeing all of their faces, listening and watching us intently, made me realize something. They weren’t here for us as people. They didn’t care who we were or what we looked like. They just wanted to hear our music, and that’s all that should have ever mattered, especially to me.

**Okay, so from here on out until I reach the part where she meets Avenged Sevenfold again, I'm going to try and speed things along and keep it short. I'm sorry it's taking me forever to move on, there's just so much detail to this story, with a storm of plots and ideas coming your way, so brace yourself. I promise it will be worth it if you keep on reading and actually give this story a chance, so please don't give up on it just yet ** The van filled with laughter at a joke Joel- one of Killswitch Engage’s guitarist-had just told. I laughed along, though I'm not even sure what it was about. All I knew is that it had something to do with Adam eating a giant ball of wasabi. I wasn’t really paying full attention to everyone else around me. It was me, Adam, Joel, Howard, Richard, Brian and Cody in one van, following behind the others from another, going off to some restaurant Richard had recommended.

Let’s just say I was in the fun van, while the others were stuck with a bitter Kyle. I knew he didn’t want me riding with Brian, or at least, not without him being there to supervise. He had made that clear as he stomped his way into the other van and threw Brian a glare. I tried to forget about him and listened to something funny Adam was telling us about Howard.

The concert had ended about ten minutes ago and now we were going off to celebrate our great turn out. The fans really seemed to like us and looked like they had a good time. I was glad that we could have made at least someone happy, especially our fans. I don’t know why I get so nervous before every show, and I was actually starting to get better. I think it’s because the anxiety was doubled for me with my Addison ’s disease. I hope that I could move on from this someday…

Finally, we pulled up to a restaurant with an Italian theme and a makeshift bar inside. I sat in between Will and Kyle. Apparently, neither of them wanted me sitting next to Brian, who was almost across from me, sitting next to Richard and Cody.

We all ordered and got right down to the point by talking about Killswitch’s upcoming tour and how they would love it for us to be a part of it. I felt gratified and so thankful that they had even considered us to tour with them. It was just so exciting to being able to tour with such a big band! They were going to be traveling the world, and they were taking us with them!

I really liked these people. The more we hung out with them, the more I was starting to grow attached to them. It usually took a long time for me to like someone so much, but with these guys, they were becoming an exception.

Automatically, my favorite person was Adam, the giant, loud-mouthed guitar player who got me laughing at just about everything he said. It was easy to tell that he wasn’t a very serious person, even if he were simply ordering another drink, he just had to do it in such a funny way. I also liked Howard, the singer. He was definitely a lot more of a calm person compared to Adam and most of the others, but when he had something to say, I was practically falling out of my chair. He and Adam were two of the funniest people I've ever met.

The tour with Killswitch was going to be official as soon as Brian contacted the A&R and everyone else who would be involved tomorrow, but for tonight, we were all out celebrating. Everyone aside from myself was drinking. Some of them actually got pretty wasted, while others like Brian and Richard were responsible enough to stay buzzed.

It was kind of hard for me to be around so many drunken people and all of this alcohol because of my past, but for the most part, I just tried to laugh it off at the ridiculous things they were all doing.

I couldn’t even begin to explain how excited I was for this tour. It was going to be a lot longer than the regular Warped Tour we were on in the beginning. We were going to be playing mostly festivals with a lot bigger stages and even a few arenas with larger crowds. Were we ready for this? Were we even big enough of a band to be on this tour?…Or was it just me who wasn’t ready for it all?

I know I still wanted to do this, to be a part of something this huge, but the more I thought about it, the bigger we were getting, the more I began to doubt myself. Did I even want to do this anymore? Or was I looking for something more…something for just myself?

Don’t get me wrong, I loved singing with these amazing guys and in front of our fans, but I still felt sort of empty. The only problem was, I didn’t quite exactly know what I was looking for anymore. Was it possibly a more stable environment? I loved touring the country, but not knowing where I was going to be when I woke up the next day kind of frightened me, and the thought of me getting sick at any moment sent me into a panic attack.

Maybe I was starting to grow tired of having to be the only mature one, acting as if I were the adult in our little group. I felt like I wasn’t having fun anymore, not like the others were. I still felt out of place with the guys on the bus, even if they were just like my brothers and treated me so greatly, for the most part. Today was sort of a setback, and I could only hope it wouldn't stay like this between all of us, or get any worse. If it did, then I knew for sure that I couldn’t stay with them any longer…but then, where else would I go?

This was my home, with the guys and I loved them all so much. I had lost all contact with Bert and the others a long time ago, and even if I hadn’t, I don’t think I could face him…not again. There was no way in hell I would go back to living with my mother. Now that would be Hell.

She had abused and neglected me as if I were some slave, not her daughter. Then there was Bill and Rachael to deal with, and I don’t think I could go back to slaving for them either. I guess no matter what I wanted, to leave or to stay, I was stuck here anyways with no other place to go…


† † †

Back on the bus, I followed the guys as they stumbled their way in to the living room. I laughed as I helped Cody onto the couch, though I had to practically throw him onto it since he almost dragged me down with him as he almost fell over.

I didn’t want to be around their drunk asses any longer and went into the back room for some time to myself. They still weren’t speaking to me, which must have meant they were still upset with me. Brian wouldn’t even look in my direction, mostly to avoid eye contact with me, and that made my heart ache even more than it already was. I know that it felt awkward between us now, especially with the guys watching both of our every move. Would we ever get to speak to each other again without getting glares? What was so wrong about us just talking?

I wasn’t in there for very long before someone knocked on the door. I told whoever it was to come in.

Brian slowly poked his head inside. “May I come in for a minute?” He asked softly.

I slowly nodded and watched as he made his way over to sit across from me, keeping a good distance between us. I kept quiet, waiting for him to say something, because I knew he wasn’t here just to hang out. This would probably be our last and only time alone together, especially since the boys were too drunk to notice.

After seeing his expression, I knew whatever he had to say was not going to be something good. “What is it Brian?”

He sighed and finally looked up to meet my eyes for the first time tonight. “Chelsea, I have some bad news.”

I felt my brow furrow. “What do you mean? What is it?” My first thought was- Oh no, Killswitch Engage must have changed their mind and didn’t want to tour with us anymore. How were the boys going to take this news? I knew they were all just as excited as I was for it and couldn’t wait to get out and start the tour with them, but the look in Brian's eyes told me it wasn’t anything like that.

He reached for my hand and held onto it tightly with the both of his. “I'm sorry to be telling you this, especially now, but I can no longer stay with you guys on the bus. I’m going to be leaving soon, probably tonight.”

“What?” I shouted, yanking my hand back. “Why? Where are you going? Did Kyle put you up to this? Because he doesn’t have the right to tell you what to do. We all put it to a vote. Whatever he says, don’t listen to him.” I shook my head furiously.

He shook his head too. “Kyle didn’t say anything, though, with all of the glares he’s been giving me, he’s made it pretty clear how he feels about me right now.”

“Then what is it?” I asked, scooting closer to him.

“You don’t want to know the details, believe me. All I can say is I'm needed with my other clients and that I'll be staying with them for the time being.”
I felt my face heat, through both anger and in embarrassment as realization hit me. “Am I…am I just a client to you, Brian? Am I just a part of your job?” I pulled away from him and stood, ready to run away at any moment.
His eyes widened and he grabbed onto me as soon as he stood, seeing that I was about to make a break for it. “Of course not!”

“Did that kiss mean anything to you?”I began to cry, feeling the tears start to form.

I should have known I was nothing. I meant nothing to him, or to anyone for that matter. How could I have let things get this bad so quickly?

“It meant everything to me!” He shouted, grabbing both sides of my face, almost kissing me again, but I pushed him away. It was all lies. Everything was a lie…

“Then why are you leaving? If I meant anything to you at all, you would stay!”

“Chelsea, I have to go-”

“No! I can’t do this without you. We need you!” I continued to beg.

“It’s my job, Chelsea! I have to go. I can’t be here and help you through everything. You guys will do just fine without me, trust me.” He said, reaching to caress my cheek, but I quickly looked away, trying to fight back more tears.

“Fine, I understand, but Brian, please…at least tell me…Who are you going to be staying with? What other band is it?” I had a gut feeling that I already knew.

He sighed and looked down, avoiding my eyes again. “Brian, tell me!” I hissed.

“With Bert and his band! Okay?” He shouted back.

“What?” I shrieked. My heart seemed to stop. Just the thought of Bert sent anger and sorrow straight throughout my entire body, all at the same time.

He threw his arms up to shrug. “Well what do you expect, Chels’? I work for them too!”

“But why Bert? Why did you choose to go stay with him? You know how things are between me and him.” I asked.

“Because, they called me and said they needed my help.” He softened his voice again. “I’m their manager just as much as I am yours. I have to go, it’s my job, but that does not mean I want to leave you. If I had the choice, I would stay here…with you, but I just can’t. I’m so sorry.” He said, pulling me into a hug before I could resist.

Even though I didn’t want it, I just stood there in his arms until he was ready to let go. I knew I had to, and the quicker I did, the better off I would be to keep my heart from breaking all over again.

“So I guess this is goodbye?” I mumbled into his shoulder.

He pulled us apart at arms length and shook his head. “No, not goodbye. We’ll see each other again, I promise.” He smiled halfheartedly before giving me one last kiss on the cheek and walking out of the room, just like that.

Notes