(Just so you know, I absolutely have nothing against Leana Silver/Macfadden. This is entirely fictional. I'm just glad Jimmy found true happiness)
“How could you do this to me? I was only supposed to be gone for a couple of hours! Why the hell would you to do something like this, Leana?” I yelled at my girlfriend of almost two years now from across the room.

I knew if she had gotten any closer, I might just end up hurting her…just like she had hurt me. I was outraged, and any minute now I could have blown up, rather it came down to taking my anger out physically or screaming at her from the top of my lungs. Either way, something was going to get broken, rather it be her feelings or the bar stool next to me. I was already thinking about throwing it out of the kitchen window.

I was out with the band earlier, talking over some ideas for the upcoming album. I was only supposed to be gone for a few hours, but then I had decided to come home early to surprise Leana, but instead I was the one who got the surprise of my life. I had walked in on my girlfriend and some guy I didn’t even know, doing it in our bed, the bed we had shared.

I built my life around this girl! I changed my life around, just so I could be with her. I asked her to move in with me. I even asked her to marry me and then we got each other’s names tattooed on our ring fingers! I did everything I possibly could for her, but apparently that just wasn’t enough…I guess I just wasn’t enough.

In my heart, I knew our relationship was too good to be true, that we never would have lasted, but I sure as hell never saw this coming. I was willing to give it a try, to be the person she wanted me to be. I had changed, because I wanted to make her happy, because if I hadn’t, I don’t think she would have ever chosen to stay with me.

In the beginning, I thought she was too good for me, that I didn’t deserve her, but now I could see it was all lies, that she was a mistake. I never should have trusted her. She was the first and only girl I had truly loved, and I knew, even from the beginning, I would never find that love again, even if she had said no to my proposal.

My heart felt like shattered glass, broken in to a million pieces that could never be picked back up again. It felt like there was a hole in my chest where my heart should have been, where it used to be. It hurt so much, just standing here and looking at her.

She was still in her shocked state that I had caught her in bed with another man, wrapped up in the sheets that knew I could never touch again. I was going to burn those sheets after this was over. I was going to burn and destroy everything that meant something to her in this apartment, just like she had destroyed me and turned my soul into ash.

It killed me, that even while I stood here and yelled, she had nothing to say, knowing exactly what she had done to me, and yet still she had no words. She wasn’t sorry, she knew what damage she was going to cause by cheating, but still her actions remained the same.

I shook my head at her, disgusted that she was at a loss of words and could only stare at me with those pathetic eyes, that she would do something like this. “Why?” I asked again, barely above a whisper. I couldn’t make eye contact with her anymore. Her big, pleading brown eyes seared a hole right through me.

Her mouth opened to form words, but all she could do was stare for the longest time. I impatiently waited for her answer, having to ask again even louder. “Jimmy, I'm sor-”
“No you’re not! If you knew you were going to regret it, why would you even go through with it in the first place?” I shouted, uncrossing my arms and clinched my fists. I was trying so hard to contain my anger.

“I didn’t think you would have come home so soon!” She cried.

My jaw dropped. “Is that your explanation? That’s not even an apology! Who do you think you are? That’s no excuse, Leana! What did I possibly do to deserve such an unbearable punishment?” I screamed, ready to throw that chair now.

She huffed, as if she were the one who had the right to be upset right now. “Jimmy, don’t be mad at me. You’re the one who never comes home anymore, always out drinking with the guys.”

“And that gives you the right to cheat on me?” I began to scream, able to feel the heat of my anger rise through my body. I'm sure my face was scarlet red by now from all of this frustration and yelling. “You know what? I don’t deserve this. Get the fuck out!” I demanded, pointing to the front door.

She looked at me, surprised that I would kick her out, but right now, I was willing to do anything so I didn’t have to see her face anymore. “You don’t mean that.” She shook her head in disbelief.

I smirked. “Oh, yeah? Watch this.” I quickly turned, going down the small hall and into our bedroom.

I could hear the sheets drag as she followed me. I bent down, snatching out her empty suitcase and threw it onto the bed. If she wasn’t going to pack her shit, I was going to do it for her. I flung open the dresser drawers and grabbed a handful of her clothes, tossing them into the bag.

She ran over and tried to pull away my arm. “Jimmy, don’t do this! Please, I'm sorry!”

I yanked her off so forcefully that she almost fell to the floor. “Get dressed. I'm sure you don’t want to be standing out on the sidewalk, waiting for a taxi in just the sheets.” I spat, not even looking at her as I grabbed more clothes.

“Jimmy, stop, please! I'm sorry, okay? If I could take it back I would!” She begged.

I spun around to face her. “Ha! Are you fucking serious right now? If you could take it back? Leana, can you not even fathom how stupid and fake you sound right now? If you truly were sorry, you wouldn’t have even done it!” I threw my arms up, ready to pull my own hair out. “I don’t want to see you right now, or ever again. Don’t you get it? It’s over, we’re through!”

"Please...don't say that." She gasped, as if she didn’t see this coming. She should have realized the consequences of her actions a long time ago. How many times had this happened before? How many other times had she cheated on me?

I should have known. I should have seen this coming from a mile away. I was so blinded by what I thought was love, that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. A liar, a fake, a slut and a whore. Who was she to have the right to hurt me like this?
Suddenly I was startled awake by something smacking me upside the head. I quickly sat up straight, seeing the empty water bottle sitting in my lap. I looked up glaring to see who had just threw it at me.

All of the guys were looking at me with anticipated looks. At first I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I just looked all around at the guys sitting on the couches or standing by the computer. Finally I realized where we were.

I recognized the computer on top of a desk sitting in front of an empty room. It was the recording studio, and we were all sitting in the room in front of where Matt did his vocals. We were here to do the finishing touches on our new, upcoming record. The one we had just started talking about the day I broke up with Leana. That’s when I realized what was going on just now. I had been dreaming of that day, which was something I could never forget, though I wish I already had.

“I said, which is it?” Johnny repeated though I missed the first time he must have said it.

I nodded, hoping they hadn’t noticed I had dozed off for a while now. Hopefully they thought I knew what they were talking about. “Uh, yeah…I agree with you on that.” I said, making up some random answer. They were probably talking over an idea for a song.

Some of the guys tried to hold in laughs. I had no idea what he was talking about. I shrugged. “What’d I say?”

“I told Syn you were wearing ladies underwear, but he said ‘no way’. By the looks of it, you completely agreed with me.” Everyone laughs, except Matt who in return just rolls his eyes. “Dude, are you?” Johnny gave me a pointed look.

“Maybe…” I faked a smile, which was something I've been doing a lot. I'm sure they knew it was fake but I had to at least try to put an effort into it. Otherwise they would all know how depressed I had been feeling, ever since my break up.

I tried to act happy every now and then when I was with other people, but after awhile it just gets so tiring, putting on fake smiles just to make the people you care about happy. I'm sure most of the time they saw right through my façade, but in the end I just didn’t really care anymore.

I'm sure if I put a real effort into my answer, I would have had them all rolling on the floors laughing by now. That was how I used to be. Now I just didn’t really give a fuck and didn’t even try. I couldn’t truly laugh, or actually smile anymore. I wasn’t going to pretend that I'm who I used to be. I'm not the same person they once knew, the same Jimmy they grew up with and loved. My heart was broken. My soul was nothing but ashes. I felt completely dead inside.

“See, I told you Gates. I knew he had a thong under those skinny jeans.” Johnny said, trying to get a laugh out of everybody. It worked on everyone else, just not me.

I simply chuckled, zoning out and watching myself twirl the empty water bottle in my hands.

“Dude, relax. We know you were sleeping, but now if you don’t mind, can you please stay awake and try to focus? We really need your opinions more than ever now that we’re doing the final touches on the record.” Matt said from standing in front of the desk, watching as the guy, whose name has slipped my mind at the moment, do his editing tricks on a clip of one of our songs.

I slowly nodded, slouching in my chair, hardly pretending to be interested in what was going on. “Yeah, sorry dude.” I mumbled, still playing with the bottle.

Brian, or as we sometimes called him by his stage name, Synyster Gates, set his half empty beer bottle down on to the coffee table. “You know what? I could really use a break right now. What do you say, you guys? Why don’t go out to Johnny’s and grab a drink?”

The idea immediately caught my interest. The sound of drowning myself in my own sorrows and a bottle of Jack sound pretty great right now.

“Yeah, we’re almost finished. Just a few more days work and we’ll be done. I say we celebrate all of our hard work.” Johnny proposed.

Everyone else seemed to like the idea, but Matt was shaking his head. “Not that I don’t mind taking a break and having a drink right now, but we’re so close to finishing. We really need to put as much effort into the next couple of days as we can.”

All the guys and I seemed to groan in unison. I don’t know about everyone else, but I was getting real sick and tired of sitting in this damn studio everyday for the past several months. I needed to get out and take a break, have as much fun as possible, before all of the bad memories came flooding in again.

I sat up in my seat, laying my arms out across my lap. “Well I for one think we deserve a little break. Don’t you guys?” I ask the others, looking for their approval. They all smiled and agreed. “Come on, Matt. It’s just one night. What’s it going to hurt?”

He turns from looking at me from over his shoulder. “Like I said, that sounds great and all, but we have a deadline, and little time to get things done. We need to stay and finish up for tonight so we don’t get behind schedule.”


† † †

The guys and I all pull up to Johnny’s Bar in Brian’s black escalade. We had finally talked Matt over long enough to get him to agree with us. It was about 9 pm right now and I was intending to spend the rest of my night here, holding a beer with one arm and possibly a chic in the other.

Well, at least that’s what my hopes were for this evening. I didn’t really care if I even talked to, or was even looked at by any other girls. My interests weren’t in dating right now.

Actually, I didn’t really seem to care much about anything anymore. The only escape I had was rather the numbness of getting drunk or playing the drums, and even then, that never lasted very long and I was right back to where I started, empty and in agony of heartache.

Brian wrapped an arm around my shoulders and walked with me and the rest of the guys inside the bar. I had a pocket full of cash and a huge yearning for the bitter taste of sweet freedom. Ironic, isn’t it? How someone can feel free for only so long, until the numbness has ceased and reality smacks you in the face with a brick. Or in my case, the back of your ex-girlfriend’s hand when you call her a cheating whore and kick her out of your apartment, throwing her out into the cold night with nothing but a sheet to cover herself up.

A small smile tries to make its way across my lips but instead, the memory of that night leaves an acid-like taste in my mouth and causes me to frown.

“You gonna be okay there, Jimbo?” Zack asked as we enter and sit down at the bar. I nod toward the bartender to serve me, not really wanting to give him a straight answer.

It was one thing to pretend to be happy for your friends so that they could be happy, it was another to lie straight to their faces. I decided to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the night until I consumed enough alcohol to take the words right out of my mouth.

Amy, the bartender made her way over to us. She had shoulder length auburn hair and had the brightest green eyes that always seemed to have that special sparkle. She was about 5”6 but when she stood next to me, you would think she was a lot shorter…but then again, that’s how it was with everybody.

The guys and I went to school with her and were in the same grade. We all met her in junior high and after that, we were all really good friends. I wasn’t completely sure, but I think she’s had a crush on me ever since. Unfortunately, I only saw her as a friend who worked at my favorite bar in town. I made sure never to lead her on. I didn’t want her thinking I had feelings for her, too.

“Hey, you guys.” She came up and greeted us. “Long time no see, huh?” She joked, placing her hands on her hips. It hasn’t been very long since we were last here, especially me. I was here about every week.

The guys laughed at her small remark. “Hey Amy, how ya been?” Zack addressed her. I wasn’t the one who had feelings for her. Zack had a small crush on her since high school started, but I don’t think she’s ever noticed.

She flashes him a cheeky smile. “Been doin’ just fine, thanks.” Her smile fades as she turns to me, watching as I twirled the cross that hung from my neck between my fingers. “What about you, Jimmy?” She asked.

“What about me?” I asked back, not even looking up.

“How have you been?” She asked. I could easily hear the hint of concern for me in her voice.

I shrugged, meeting her emerald eyes, seeing the weariness reflect back at me. Maybe she really did like me, or at least cared enough about me to be this concerned. “Fine,” I lied, not really having the energy to try and convince her.

“We’ll all take a few beers to start off the night.” Brian called over to her.

After a minute of searching my eyes, trying to find something, anything that could have told her how I really felt, finding nothing, she turned to Brian. She plastered on that famous smile she was best known for. “Coming right up.” She went off to grab us our drinks. I went back to staring down at the cross.

“Let’s make a toast.” Brian suggested as Amy came back, placing a bottle of Heineken in front of each of us. He held up his in the air, waiting for the rest of us to do the same.

We all grabbed our own bottles and raised them. “A toast to our new record!” Brian gleamed.

“And to the greatest band that has ever lived!” Johnny chimed in.

They all laughed as we clank our glasses together, repeating their words back to them and cheered. After that, I went to chugging down most of the bottle. The guys didn’t even seem to notice me and made conversation with each other. They were starting to get used to my somberness, and maybe it was for the best. The old Jimmy was gone, and they were never getting him back…

“Let’s go over and play a round of pool. We can each be on a team.” Zack suggested, pointing over to one of the few pool tables behind us. There was only one left that was empty.
“And how the hell are we going to do that?” Brian said, trying to be a smart ass. “There’s only five of us. There wouldn’t be enough of us for teams.”

We were already way more than a few shots and beers into the night. It was probably close to around midnight by now.

“I don’t know. It was just a suggestion.” Zack slurred and shrugged.

“You guys go ahead. I'll just stay here.” I said, just loud enough for them all to hear me.

Matt shook his head at me. “No way, we aren’t just going to leave you.”

When I didn’t respond or even look up at him, he sighed and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Come on Jimmy, cheer up. We’re out tonight celebrating, but yet all you can seem to think about is your break up with Leana.”

I cringed just at the sound of her name. Johnny leaned forward to look at me from behind Matt. “Yeah man, come on. We hate seeing you so down.”

“Well you’re all just going to have to get used to it. I'm staying here.” I shook my head.

They all began to frown at me with disappointment and desperation in their eyes. “What? What are you all looking at?” I spat at them, not even trying to hold back the venom.

Johnny shook his head at me as the others walked away, giving up on me…just like they should have a long time ago. “I don’t know anymore. You’re not the same person, the Jimmy we used to know.”

I glared. “You got that damn right. I'm not the same as I used to be, and I never will be again.”

His eyes began to water. He didn’t even try to hide it. “What happened to you?”

That seemed to get through to me. I was being an ass to the people I cared about the most, just because of some stupid break up that I wasn’t willing to get over. I didn’t blame them for hating me right now…I even hated myself.

Just as I was about to apologize and explain myself for all of the shit that I've been causing, he walked away without another word. I dropped my head in my hands, just wanting to get out of here.

What was I doing? I was supposed to be happy right now, celebrating a new record with the rest of my band mates, not sulking over some girl who didn’t even love me to begin with.

If she truly hadn’t loved me, then why did she say yes to my proposal? It would have hurt a lot less if she had told me no, right then and there instead of me having to find out the truth the hard way.

She played with my heart as if it were hung from strings like some marionette. My feelings weren’t something that you could just play with. I was a person too, like everybody else. I didn’t deserve the hell she put me through.

That’s it…I'm done. Forget love, forget marriage, forget everything that was ever carved into my mind from the start. My music was all that I was going focus on from here on out. Nothing else mattered, or should have ever mattered to begin with. I was a drummer in a band, with a whole life and career ahead of me. I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of that. I didn’t need love. I didn’t need anybody, just my music…and nothing could ever change that.

Notes