Seize The Day or Die Regretting.

The car ride was eerily quiet; Brian’s barely said a word since we got the news. I think when we were told I actually heard his heart shatter into pieces. I know my heart shattered into pieces. I know we aren’t financially stable to the idea of creating a life was the best thing to carry around with you. But to know that three weeks ago there was a child growing inside of you and now there isn’t, I can’t help but blame myself. I was that baby’s home and I was supposed to protect him and cherish him, now he’s gone. You can’t help but blame yourself. The ride home was quiet because there was nothing left to say, I just wish I knew what was going on inside his head. I want to make it better but if I said anything it could make things worse. When we got the news the bright and sunny day turned into heavy clouds and thunderstorms. It made me want to cry but once again I couldn’t because I didn’t know how he felt about it. He might be relieved or he might be dying inside; with him you just never know.

When we got back to our two bedroom apartment we called everyone over; Melissa and Elise were off work by now and I’ll tell Georgia tomorrow at work. I made all the calls while Brian was showering and cleaning up. Even in the house he was mute. It was worrying me deeply. He’s never gone this long without saying something. When times get hard he usually makes a joke or tries to cheer everyone up but this time he just got lost in his own thoughts. It was truly heart-breaking.
In the time it took him to shower and get cleaned up; I changed from my work clothes to a light blue tee shirt and jeans. I tied my dark hair up properly and had enough time to put coffee on. By the time he was showered, cleaned up and dressed again I was already having a cup of coffee.
He walked into the living room and looked down at me. I could see his eyes were bloodshot and slightly swollen. He’d been crying. In a split moment he pulled himself together while I was on the verge of having a mental break down.
“Are you okay?” I asked softly, breaking the dangerous silence. His hazel-brown eyes found mine without any sort of emotion or expression. He nodded as he came over to me. I sat on the couch with my coffee. He leaned down and pressed his lips to my forehead. That was the single most perfect act of affection. I know he’s not the most romantic kind of guy but when he wants he came show the greatest amount of affection doing the littlest things. His affectionate act brought a temporary smile to my face as he went into the kitchen.
The first people here was Elise and Jimmy, they were along sided Zack, Johnny and Melissa. Finally Matt and Val showed up. Still Brian didn’t speak a word.
He sat in the living room with the guys and a bottle of beer in his hand. I stood in the arch way with a cup of coffee, the ladies were all too curious as to why we called them here. But when neither of us told them straight away they gave up asking and began talking about their day. Still he didn’t speak so I was the one to announce he got the job and was now working at the lumber yard for $10 an hour, eight hours a day, five days a week. They all congratulated him. Melissa and Elise went on to tell me Georgia was having a bad afternoon considering she fell on her ass at least twice, she completely missed her chair when she sat down and she walked into a glass door. I don’t know if I should laugh or feel bad. The longer we waited to tell them, the tighter my stomach knotted. I could barely think of anything else but that knotting feeling that was ripe in my stomach. I cleared my throat which caught Brian’s attention from across the room. He set his beer down and got up, coming over to me. I felt his arm wrap around my waist and pull me into his side. I felt comforted about it. Everyone was giving us curious expressions that were confused and slightly frightened. I couldn’t face them all so my eyes fell down into my mug, trying to hold back the painful tears.
“I’m unsure how we can announce this.” Brian’s voice was horse and raspy. My heart was pounding inside my chest forcing my breathing to quicken and become heavy. It was almost as if I was having a panic attack. The tears uncontrollably fell down my face as I kept my head down. My stomach was knotting intensely.
“We would like to say,”
“-I swear to God if you say you’re having twins,”
“-We’re not expecting.” I snapped, interrupting Zack mid-sentence. There was a lump in my throat as the room fell silent but not for long. Brian’s arm tightened around me, I rested my head on the side of his ribs and kept my eyes down. Everyone started asking us what I meant. Having to explain to myself was one of the worst things I could do. It was worse than that one time in High School when I was stripped down to my underwear and tapped to the flag pole. I felt like I was completely exposed to the world and they’ll all laugh at me or judge me. I felt myself coil into his side.
“I . . . lost him.” I drew the sentence out in a soft tone. Silence.
“Are you okay?” I heard Melissa ask as she came closer to us. The lump in my throat began to fade away. I was able to look up at them with a nod. There was sadness filling the room. I couldn’t stand it but I couldn’t run away either.
“We’ll be okay.” Brian announced. It caught me off guard. I looked up at him; his eyes were watery and red. His face was pasty white with red lines running down his face. I looked at the group of family and friends with a shy smile and nodded. There was a sense of relief along sided sadness. As unprepared for a child we were, it was exciting to think that you’ve created life. That life form inside of you has a heartbeat and a brain. It has thoughts and emotions. And they could use all that to possibly change everything. And to know that, that life is no longer is disheartening. No words could describe it, the agony that makes you blame yourself, questioning your very existence.
“Are you taking time off work to sort this out?” Elise asked curiously from across the room. I shrugged and frowned.
“I dunno, I don’t think I can stay here and just think. I need to have a distraction.” I told them carefully.
“I have tomorrow off, if you do decide to stay home you can call me and I’ll come keep you company.” Jimmy offered whole heartedly. I felt slightly better. A small smile crossed my face as I nodded in agreement. He’s always there if someone needs him. Elise is a very lucky lady.
“Thanks but I don’t think I’ll be staying home, we might not be having a child but we do still need the money.” I explained to him. He nodded and left it at that, knowing that his offer still remains in case I do stay home which is very unlikely.
Later that evening everyone began to leave, leaving Brian and myself alone for the first time that afternoon. I rinsed out the bottles and mugs before putting them all in the dish washer. I wiped the coffee table while Brian swept the floor, we did this in silence.
“Hey,” I heard him say. His voice was horse but strong. I snapped my eyes up to meet his.
“Are you okay,really?” He asked in a softer tone. I felt my heart in my throat. I needed to be strong. I smiled widely and nodded as I wiped the table.
“Yeah, I’m fine, kinda relieved; y’know.” I said sullenly. He furrowed his eye brows at me.
“How are you relieved?” He questioned roughly. I shrugged and stood up right.
“Well now we don’t need to worry about screwing up a life, we can focus on our lives now.” I explained my logic. He nervously laughed as he held the broom in his hands.
“Yeah, tell me about it. No child fees here.” He chuckled nervously. What he said broke me slightly. I hated hearing him say that but from the sound of it he’s doing it for closure. I dropped the wash cloth onto the table and put my hands on my hips.
“Do you ever think about it?” I asked him curiously. He stopped sweeping and put his hands on the tip of the broom and leaned on it.
“Think about what? Being a dad?” He gave me a quizzical expression. I bit my lip and nodded. He took his weight off the broom and stroked the floor gradually, moving the broom from side to side.
“Yeah, I think about ita lot.” He admitted. “-It’d be pretty cool having a smaller, newer version of you and the love of your life running around; making the same mistake you did, maybe new ones. It’ll be cool to watch them grow up; hoping that the lessons you’ve taught them is enough to help them in life.” He listed the reasons why he thought it’d be cool to be a parent. He was so lost in his words, it looked like he wanted to cry some more. With everything he said my heart mended a little more.
“Do you ever imagine whatourchild would be like?” I quizzed in a soft tone as I picked the cloth up and fiddled with it carelessly. Seeing the gleam in his eyes brighten his face was almost like telling a small child their going to Disneyworld with everyone they love. A smile crossed his face as his eyes found mine.
“If we had a little girl I’d imagined she’d have your crystal blue eyes, the ones you had before the accident. She’ll have your hair and body stature but she’ll have my face. In a way she’ll act like both of us; she’ll be care-free like me but compassionate and driven like you.” He thoughtlessly listed everything he looked for in a daughter. I couldn’t help but smile at his babblings. He leaned the broom against the wall and slowly strutted his way over to me.
“And if we had a boy, he’d have your chocolate brown eyes and your face. Everything about him will scream he’s yours. He’ll be care-free and at times careless, he’ll love making music both playing and writing it. He’ll be determined but kind.” I told him as he got closer to me. By the time he was inches away from me, I’d tossed the cloth down onto the table carelessly. His bulky body was closing the gap between us which was making me nervous for some reason. A sudden burst of eagerness made me grip the collar of his shirt tightly and his body up against mine, latching my lips against his roughly. And with that, things took off. It was thoughtless and irresponsible but we didn’t care.

Notes