Seize The Day or Die Regretting.

Upon having to move to a small apartment complex we had to tell everyone. Telling them that I knew what their ‘fishing’ trips really were and that I’m with child wasn’t as easy as I planned out in my head. They were so pissed with Brian because not only did he tell me everything, got me pregnant when clearly we have very little money but he agreed that if he were to do it again, I had the right to call the cops on them. I guess after I told them that and they got all their anger out they were rather happy for the pair of us. And you wanna know what really disappointed me? Val knew about the entire thing. She agreed with me on the whole calling the cops on them if they do it again thing. Melissa agreed with all of us. She and Johnny might now have known each other for long but they love each other. Then we had to tell our parents. My parents were first, they were pissed with me for not only having sex outside of wedlock but also moving in and having a baby outside of wedlock and without telling them about it. They were even less pleased that it was with Brian. They don’t really like him, they say he’s a bit smothering and clingy, I don’t think so. He likes to make sure I’m safe. His parents weren’t pissed; they just wanted to know what we were going to do and how we’re going to support ourselves and a baby. But either way things happened and we’re not proud of them but we can’t change it. All I can do now is, try and get as much work done before I leave for Maternity Leave. I’m working overtime even at sixteen weeks along.

Today we’re going to find out whether we’re having a boy or girl. After Brian goes job hunting and I do my eight hour work shift. I’ve taken on double shifts at the concert hall and the studios. They wanted to know why I all of a sudden took on those extra shifts so I had to tell them. They were really disappointed in me but they helped us move which was extremely kind of them. Elise, Melissa and Georgia helped as well; they work along sided me in the orchestra. My boss was more so disappointed in me mainly because he thought I was different than to have a baby in such an unstable condition. He wanted to loan us money but I refused to allow him.

I sat behind the desk already looking not really pregnant in my white blouse and dress pants. Even at sixteen weeks along I didn’t look like I was even eight weeks. I found that very odd. Melissa says it might be because the baby is small.

I sighed and tied my hair away from my face. I was supposed to be eating lunch but I was too busy with this book. So I picked at the big cookie Melissa brought me earlier and I slowly drank my cup of tea. My mind was so deep into this book about pregnancy and parenting for both men and women. I wanted to know if men could get depressed because of this. I was curious to know because for the last couple weeks Brian’s been acting different. He’s not been sleeping well or at all. He doesn’t eat much other than maybe a cup of coffee to keep him awake while job hunting. He’s been complaining about aches and pains. And he doesn’t go out much. I’m worried about him. And in fact; yes men can get depressed over these things. I wanted to help him with his depression but how?

I skimmed through that chapter rather quickly before it struck me. He has no job; he doesn’t feel like a man. He’s depressed because he doesn’t feel like a man. How can I make him feel like a man?

I suppose my concern caught the eye of Georgia, who was sitting at the desk across from me eating a salad for lunch. Elise was at the desk beside me in the wide open office area. Georgia is someone my mother would classify as a ‘Goth’, even though she’s clearly not. Yes she may have a pasty white complexion and red and black hair but she’s actually really fun to be around. She’s been working here for almost a year, she might be the rookie but she’s damn good at what she does. She writes music but she gets all the violinists together and she helps train them. Georgia has always been curious as to why Melissa, Elise and I are so secretive with our personal lives.
“What’s up, kiddo?” Georgia asked, referring to me as kiddo even though I’m four years older than her. I shook my head and ate a bit of the cookie.
“Brian’s got the baby blues because he doesn’t feel like a man.” I told her reluctantly. I didn’t want her to know that we’re financially unstable; I don’t like feeling weak. The day that I moved out of my parents’ house was the day that I swore to myself that I’m not going to be weak. She scoffed at my comment and shook her head as she sipped her 7up through the straw.
“What’s more manly than creating a life, his seed is planted in your garden.” She commented and laughed. I couldn’t help but blush and shake my head. I tilted my head back and sipped the hot tea. I wish the problem would be fixed just like that but it can’t because no matter how many times I tell him that, he’ll still not feel like a man. I sighed and placed the foam cup on my desk gently.
“That’s true but it doesn’t fix the problem.” I murmured at her. She shifted her eye brow quickly and nodded in agreement.
“How do you make a man feel like a man, without being pregnant?” She quizzed me. I felt my cheeks fill with blush.
“Work?” I asked curiously. She shook her head with a cheeky grin.
“Building things?” Elise suggested from her desk, she had a cup of coffee and an Enclair pastry. Georgia scoffed again and shook her head.
“No, he feels like a man when you scream his name.” She told the pair of us. I looked over at Elise, she was nodding in agreement. I felt blush settle on my cheeks again.
“You want me to have an orgasm so he feels like a man?” I muttered quizzically. Elise had a red face so she planted herself back into her work.
“Exactly.” Georgia laughed hardily and nodded. I think I got what she was trying to say, as personal as it was, she was right. I huffed and puffed at her before
“Is it even safe for me right now?” I asked her. Georgia shrugged and took a bit of her salad.
“It should be in that book of yours.” She suggested. I sighed and skipped ahead like five chapters to the part that I needed. The question that rattled my mind was; is it safe to have sex whilst pregnant?

Yes, sex. The thick mucus plug that seals your cervix helps to guard your baby against infection. The amniotic sac and the strong muscles of your uterus (womb) also keep your baby safe.

Your partner's penis won’t damage your baby in any way while you're making love. You may find your baby thrashes around a bit after you've had an orgasm. It's nothing to worry about. Your baby's reacting to the pounding of your heart. He doesn't know what's happening or feel any discomfort.

I smirked devilishly to myself while blush settled on my skin. Elise got up from her desk and came over to my desk and sat on the edge. Elise and I have been friends for a long time now; we’ve been friends since High School. She’s the kind of girl my parents hate. They hate everyone don’t they? Anyways, Elise is tall with long dark hair that had blonde streaks in it. She was pale with hazel eyes. She always wore those purple snake bites. Our boss Gary doesn’t mind because it doesn’t affect her work. Elise has been dating Jimmy for nearly ten years already. So she knows. Elise leaned down so no one else could hear what she had to say.
“Y’know, there are other options. You don’t need to keep the baby.” She whispered. I narrowed my gaze at her confusedly.
“If you keep this baby, Brian will feel like less of a man for not providing for you and the baby. Then he’ll go out and rob another store.” Her statistics were right, she was right. If I keep the baby then he’ll do that again to try and provide. I can’t let him do that.
“And what are my other options?” I asked her, not meaning to be mean about it. I just wanted to know. Elise frowned at me and sighed.
“Put it into a home, give it up. You don’t need to be a mom.” She explained quietly. I frowned at her and nodded. She was right once again but this has been my dream to be a mom. Ever since I was little I’ve dreamed about being a mom, having a baby that I can call my own.
“I know but I want to be a mom.” I told her. She shook her head at me.
“A mom does what’s best for her baby, maybe giving it up is for the best.” She stated. I frowned at her, at the same moment the phone on my desk rang loudly. I picked it up knowing exactly who it was and why they’re calling.
“Hello.” I said with a light and joyful tone and watched as Elise went back to her desk. Georgia was utterly confused as to why we were being so secretive. She’ll never know the truth.
“Heather, your baby-daddy’s here.” I heard Melissa tease from the reception phone. She was probably coming back from lunch when she saw him so she decided to call me. I heard Brian say something in the background which made me blush a bright red.
“Okay, tell him I’m coming.” I told her. I heard her snicker something before I hung up. I gulped down the last of my tea and gave Elise the last of the cookie. I swung my bag over my shoulder and logged off of my computer. I know this building like the back of my hand; I had too when I was blind. I still bump into things every once in a while but it’s not as bad. I went to pass by Gary’s office, he was there doing work when I caught his attention.
“Heather!” He called me into his office. I did so, standing in the arch way with my hands in my pockets. Gary looked up at me and held an envelope with my name on it. I furrowed my eye brows and took it. I was confused; I don’t get paid until Thursday, today is Monday. I opened the envelope to find a cheque for at least sixteen weeks of my pay on it, that’s closer to five thousand dollars.
“What’s this?” I asked him curiously. Gary’s brown eyes met mine and a smile crossed his face.
“Consider this a baby shower gift.” He stated sullenly. I shook my head and put it back on his desk.
“With all due respect sir, I can’t accept that.” I told him. Gary got up from his desk, taking the envelope with him. He placed it back in my hands.
“You need it.” He told me sullenly. Gary said that if I didn’t accept it as a gift then he’ll put it in my weekly pay and then I’ll have no choice but to take it. I didn’t argue with him. I slid the cheque into my bag and left his office. The price on the piece of paper stuck out in my mind, $5,550. Jesus Christ, why did he give me all this money? Brian will be so mad because he’ll think that I was going around begging for it. Explaining it to him is going to be hard.
I emerged from the long hall way into the lobby where Melissa was teasing Brian about something. Melissa has been my best friend since Junior High. When Brian wasn’t able to hang out she would come and keep my company. All in all I was never alone for long as a child. Melissa was the girl my parents liked because of the way she was brought up. Melissa had religious parents, like my parents. I smiled as I walked up to him; he smiled back and pecked my lips quickly. I felt his arms snake around my waist as I pulled away. He seemed happier than he was this morning. Seeing him happy made me happy.
“Ready to go?” He asked curiously. I nodded and smiled. Brian turned to look at Melissa whom was leaning against the reception desk with a cupid smirk on her face as she awed at us.
“Remember to tell Short Shit to put a hat on his gnome otherwise you’ll end up like us.” Brian warned. Melissa turned a deep shade of red as we exited the building. I knew exactly what they were talking about. I grinned at him and walked to the car which was parked directly out front. We traded our expensive car for a cheaper one, it wasn’t as nice but it was working and safe. I felt safe in it and that’s all that Brian cared about.



Driving to the Doctor’s was a fairly long drive which left lots of time for me to talk with him about our other options. It’s a tough topic to talk about, I can’t just say ‘hey why don’t we put this baby up for adoption?!’ It’ll break his heart. And sadly the drive there wasn’t long enough for me to speak to him about this. And I wasn’t going to tell him while we waited in the Doctor’s office. So I just sat there and held his hand tightly in mine. Brian was infatuated with the little kids playing in the waiting room. He smiled at them kindly. It was that point there that I knew having a baby with him wasn’t a mistake. He’s the kindest person I’ve ever met. He’s driven and a caring person. He’ll make the perfect father. He looked at me with a kind smile and kissed my hand.
“I’ve got good news.” He spoke, breaking the silence. I looked over at him with my full attention; nothing ran through my mind so I could hear the good news he had.
“I got that job.” He announced happily. He was really proud of himself which made me proud of him. I smiled widely at him but then my happiness was crushed by the nagging in my head about the baby. I knew we’ll do just fine which left no questions about what we’re going to do. And I decided to keep the money thing a secret until the timing is perfect, for now I’ll just put it in our bank and hope he doesn’t notice.
“I’m proud of you Brian.” I told him. He smiled widely and nodded. His eyes moved back over to the little kids. One ran up to his dad and hugged him for dear life. Brian’s eyes lit up brightly as he smiled uncontrollably.
“That’s gonna be you, pretty soon.” I told him. He smiled even wider and squeezed my hand.
“Heather Robertson.” I heard my name being called by a nurse behind the desk. Brian and I got up and followed the short nurse to a private room where there was a Doctor waiting for us. My OB/GYN’s name was Doctor Weeb, she’s really kind. She’s a couple years older than me. She has dark brown hair and pale blue eyes. She shared a sweet smile with us as we entered the room.
“Good afternoon.” She greeted kindly as I perched myself on the bed. Brian held my bag while I was being examined. Doctor Weeb was worried that the baby wasn’t developing like he should be. After she did the questioner and the examination she instructed me to pull up my shirt so she could squeeze the jelly onto my stomach then used the probe to find him. It was eerily silent in the room even though my heart was pounding inside my chest. After about a minute of searching, she stopped moving the probe and shut off the machine. I was wiped clean and instructed to sit up. The silence was killing me.
Doctor Weeb frowned as she marked something down in the file before turning to the pair of us.
“I figured out why you’re not showing yet.” She announced sullenly. My heart was racing which caused my hand to squeeze against Brian’s. She sighed and sat down.
“Your pregnancy isn’t showing because there is no baby.”

Notes