I sat quietly in the cool room. I sat in a pair of jeans and a long sleeved shirt. My hair was down and bounded by bandages. I just had my operation two days ago. I had the bandages wrapped around my head loosely. Two pads were taped over my eyes. I swear it’s been the longest two days of my life. But Brian was with me the whole way through. He never left my side, he drove me to the hospital and waited the nine hours I was in the operating room then he waited the extra hour for me to wake up. And the fact that I could still feel his lips on my cheek was amazing. It made all the pain worth it. But I was still curious as to what he was talking about the other night. Yesterday the guys came in and said I looked good with bandages, we laughed and had a nice time. They brought me some flowers. I could smell them, the fragrance was really strong. My parents came down and asked how I was doing.
The room smelt clean but Brian’s cologne stuck out like a sore thumb. It made me smile. I heard people outside the room walking and talking. I could hear the blinds being closed; the fermilure sounds frightened me a little bit. This was really happening. I was about to find out weather or not I have my eye sight. Butterflies filled my stomach while my heart raced in my chest, beating to the speed of light. My excitement was turning to fear now. I held out my hand nervously, letting it shake with exciting fear.
“Brian?” I called out for him with a panicked voice. I heard his shoes hit the floor to a quick pace. The swift cool breeze of movement swept my hair around slightly. I felt his hand slid into mine carefully.
“Don’t worry, I’m here.” He reassured me. I smiled carefully and waited for what seemed like hours but in reality it was minutes. I could hear Brian tapping his heel nervously. It made me feel anxious and excited. The door opened and closed again, my hair swept back in the ridged breeze. Footsteps fell towards me, along with the sound of squeaking wheels.
“Good morning Heather.” Doctor Smith greeted with her usual happy tone. I smiled and blushed brightly. Doctor Smith has been my eye Doctor since the accident. She’s helped me through with so much and I’m grateful for everything she’s done.
“Good morning.” I returned. I heard paper being shuffled around slightly before a semi large stack hit a hard surface.
“Are we ready to find out if it worked this time?” She asked. My smile grew larger instantly as I nodded. I could feel Brian’s grip tighten on my hand. I felt the bandages begin to unravel from my head, they became looser and looser until the only things left were the pads that were taped above my eyes. My heart rate spiked as I felt the pads being pulled from my face.
I kept my eyes shut with fear that this wouldn’t work. I was scared that I wasn’t going to see again. I was scared I went through all of this for nothing. I tightened my grip on Brian’s hand as I felt him move around. My heart was in my throat while my stomach was in my butt.
“Heather, you can open your eyes now.” The Doctor instructed. I smiled and shook my head no. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I liked it being black. I liked it being this way.
“Heather, open your eyes.” Brian’s voice was soft and tender. My smile faded as I slowly opened my eyes to see the blurry world. I instantly gasped slightly with a proud smile. I felt tears running down both my cheeks as the blurry world came into perspective. My eyes were laid upon the most beautiful person; my imagination was far off with this. His sun kissed skin was glowing with a bright white smile. Deep hazel eyes watched me carefully with every ounce of hope and happiness they had to offer twinkling in them. His shaggy dark hair was hidden under a black bandana and a hat. I knew it was Brian; the chin fuzz gave it away. I smiled widely and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“It burns a little but I can see you.” I said for the first time in a very, very long time. His smile grew larger when I said that. It made me cry with happiness. I could see the dull room around me. Doctor Smith had long blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. She smiled at me happily.
“It’s okay, it will burn when you see light but it’ll go away within a few days.” She advised I stay in a dark place for a while so my eyes can adjust.
“Heather, how many fingers am I holding up?” She asked softly, holding up four fingers. I smiled and laughed.
“Four. You’re holding up four fingers.” I replied with such a grateful tone.
“Can you reach out and grab my hand?” She questioned my ability. I nodded, extending my arm out in front of me; I felt her skin under mine as the room became happier.
“Nicly done, the operation was a success. Congratulations Heather, you have your sight back.” She said happily before telling me for the next little while I’m going to need to wear reading glasses to help me see details and words but other than that I’m normal. I looked around before looking down at my hands, my milky white hands. My nails were long and pink with white. My skinny arms were covered by a teal semi long sleeved top. The dark was jeans were leading down to my feet where I wore a pair of black converse. My fingers ran through my long thick dark brown hair. I gaped at Brian before hugging him tightly. I felt his arms tightly squeezing me.
“You are so beautiful.” I replied with tears literally running down my face. I was so happy this worked. I’m normal again. Brian pulled away from me and put my face in his hands with a truly remarkable smile. He had tears running down his face as well.
“You have the prettiest eyes.” His words were kind and breathe taking. I smiled and watched his eyes carefully. Things were still a little blurry and foggy but I’m sure that’ll go away. I can see again.

It took a lot of effort to peel open my eyes; it wasn’t made easy with the sun shining on my face. But somehow I managed to crack them open to see Brian standing at the mirror tugging his hair with a comb. His hair was damp and his skin look moisturized. He must’ve had a shower. I wanted to stay in this position forever because it was so comfortable. Lying on my back on the angelically soft bed with the cotton sheets draped over me. I shifted over onto my side, pulling the sheet over my bare chest. My dark hair was flipped over to one side as I propped myself up on my elbow. His eyes followed down to me in the mirror. His lips twisted into a casual smile. It made my heart flutter with delight. As dirty as I felt, seeing him and knowing that this isn’t a dream made me feel somewhat delightful. I mean one day I could wake up and still be blind and Brian would still only think of me as his best friend. One day I could wake up and never see his face again, his chiselled facial features, so defined and outspoken. Skin that says he’s Californian; almost like the sandy beaches that lines the coast. His hair, styled to his perfection, the deep chestnut colours mixing with the deep blacks that matched the rough curly hair on the end of his chin. And those eyes, those beautiful chocolate brown eyes. Sometimes when the light hits them just right, they look like molten gold, so smouldering and deep with emotions. I never want to forget his face, the definition of beauty.
The room was nice and cool even with the warm morning sun was running in through the window. I could hear the cars driving up and down the streets and the birds chirping in the trees outside just like every other day. I could smell the morning dew on the grass outside the open window. I closed my eyes and took it all in with a gracious smile. But behind this smile there was an ugly thought.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what we’ve thought about doing. In a sense we were home free and we thought it’d be a good idea to try and have a baby, the day we find out we lost a baby. It was irresponsible and reckless. I am so disappointed in myself. Imagine if I’d gotten pregnant, again! We can’t say that it was by accident this time; we knew bloody well what we were doing and when we were doing it. After having to deal with everyone yesterday I didn’t want to have to explain why we thought it was a good idea to try for a baby. I feel so stupid. It’s so complicated. When we first met all was so good now things are falling apart. When we weren’t trying for a baby we were so stable with jobs and lives, then we got pregnant and that’s when reality hit, not only were the pair of us completely and utterly unstable but we’re unfit to raise a child. And then we lost the baby and things were stable ever so slightly but we just had to decide to try for another child when we’re still not completely stable or fit to raise a child. Are we smart or what?
I looked at the alarm clock on the night stand and nearly had a heart attack. I felt my entire world just fall as I hide my face in the crook of my arm. I groaned loudly knowing that I was already two hours late for work. I need to be there for 7AM and right now it’s 8:45. I looked at him from the peak of my arm.
“I’m late for work.” I groaned loudly at him. I hid my face again only to hear him chuckle hardily.
“I called you in sick.” He told me gruffly. I looked at him with narrowed eyes, I wasn’t angry I was curious as to why he’d do that. He sat down on the bed beside me, placing his hand on my bare back. I smelt his cologne, it was so sweet. It smelt like fruits. I rejoiced in the smell and the feeling of his rough hands gently caress my bare back. I felt Goosebumps rise on my skin but I ignored them and furrowed my eye brows at him.
“Why would you do that?” I asked carefully, not wanting to sound ungrateful for his affection and concern for my mental health.
“I did that because you need a couple days off, you need to have time for you.” He told me in such a kind way that it sounded like he was talking to a child who’d been bullied about something and now he needs to give them advice about life.
“Brian, I need to go to work. There’s a huge concert coming up and it needs the finest details planned for the music and who plays it.” I explained to him that not only do I have to write the music and help the orchestra perfect it but I also need to pull together the country’s finest musicians to be in the orchestra to play. I can’t afford to miss work because he’s worried that I’m suppressing my emotions. We’re barely making ends meet. Brian smiled and leaned down so his face was close to mine.
“Can’t one of the other girls do that for you? Plus a couple days won’t kill you.” He told me before pressing his minty, soft lips against mine. I didn’t want him kissing me right now, I probably have morning breath. But none of that seemed to matter once I let myself melt into the kiss, which led to him trailing his lips down from mine to my jaw and neck then shoulder and collar bone. I knew what he was trying to do and in all honesty; I didn’t know if I wanted it. I knew he wanted a baby that he can call his own but I’m not so sure now; yes I want a family with Brian but not now. I want to live in a house with a backyard that isn’t small. I want to raise my child in an environment where his or her father isn’t a criminal trying to break the habit of robbery. That thought stuck out in my head most. What if when we do have kids, he’ll go back to his old ways and nothing would’ve changed.
I pushed him off of me gently, okay it was more of a nudge that let him fall back slightly.
“You’re gonna be late for your first day.” I told him bluntly. I saw disheartened in his eyes but he knew I was right therefore he stood up off the bed, grabbed his keys and work gloves. He came back over to me and quickly pecked my lips.
“Don’t forget; you can call Jimmy to come over.” He told me kindly before disappearing around the corner into the hall. I heard the front door close, not long after the car engine roared to life and I could hear it vroom off. I stayed in bed, gripping onto a pillow with dear life. It smelt like shampoo and cologne. I smiled at the smell as I buried my face into the pillow.
After a little while of lying in bed and being completely and utterly lazy, I decided to get up. I wrapped myself in the bathrobe and began my day like every other day even though today isn’t like every other day.
I shuffled through my closet to find something to suit the warm whether we’re having, a dress would be fine today. Its grey at the top with the word ‘Bonjour’ on it with a French moustache and on the bottom it’s frilly and black but it’s short as well. Brian is going to have a shit fit if he finds out that I wore something like this.
I shrugged and put it on anyways. After that I brushed my hair and put some makeup on. Luckily now that I can see I can do my own makeup; Val was slightly disappointed. Her sister never allowed her to do her makeup, ever. So I was like her life sized dress up doll, the one she’s always wanted. But now I can see and she doesn’thaveto do my makeup anymore.
As soon as I was finished with my makeup I went into the living room and plopped myself down on the couch beside the house phone. I picked up the receiver and dialled Jimmy’s house phone number, knowing he’d be awake was one thing I actually didn’t know. Sometimes he wakes up nice and early and other times he sleeps until noon. I can’t wait until noon; I can’t be left alone for too long otherwise I’ll go mental.
After a couple rings someone answered.
“Hello.” He said tiredly. I felt bad because it sounded like I just woke him up.
“Hey, you said I could call.” I muttered softly. He cleared his voice and the sound of fabric ruffling in the background, along with a female voice. I grinned when I realized Elise was still with him. She worked today but she worked from ten to five. So she should be getting ready about now.
“Oh sorry Heather didn’t recognize your voice.” He said flatly. I smirked to myself and played with the pen on the side table.
“It’s fine. Did I wake you up?” I asked using a gentle voice.
“Uhh, no. I was just chilling. I take it you’re taking me up on that day out.” He lied to me, he did just wake up but he doesn’t want to make it seem like I woke him up. I sighed and nodded to no one.
“Yeah, I need someone to keep me company.” I replied calmly even though inside my head I was screaming for someone to come and save me from myself.
“Okay, why don’t we go to the coffee shop, I’ll come pick you up?” He said. I smiled at the thought of getting out and about.
“Okay, I’ll leave the door unlocked so when you get here you can just come in.” I told him kindly. He said he was going to be a couple minutes since he has to drop Elise off at work then he’ll be right over. We both hung up.
A couple minutes later Jimmy called again he was going to be ten maybe fifteen minutes since they were stuck in traffic. I didn’t like being alone. This left too much time to think. I still couldn’t believe we were being that irresponsible. I knew he wanted a baby that he can call his own but I’m not so sure now; yes I want a family with Brian but not now. I want to live in a house with a backyard that isn’t small. I want to raise my child in an environment where his or her father isn’t a criminal trying to break the habit of robbery. That thought stuck out in my head most. What if when we do have kids, he’ll go back to his old ways and nothing would’ve changed. What if he gets caught? I can’t raise a kid alone and what’ll that kid think? His or her dad is in prison for robbery. Just remembering what he said yesterday about what he wanted our daughter to be like.
“If we had a little girl I’d imagined she’d have your crystal blue eyes, the ones you had before the accident. She’ll have your hair and body stature but she’ll have my face. In a way she’ll act like both of us; she’ll be care-free like me but compassionate and driven like you.” He thoughtlessly listed everything he looked for in a daughter.
I just had to make it worse by saying what I think our son would be like. I was practically egging him on about it.
“And if we had a boy, he’d have your chocolate brown eyes and your face. Everything about him will scream he’s yours. He’ll be care-free and at times careless, he’ll love making music both playing and writing it. He’ll be determined but kind.” I told him as he got closer to me. By the time he was inches away from me, I’d tossed the cloth down onto the table carelessly. His bulky body was closing the gap between us which was making me nervous for some reason. A sudden burst of eagerness made me grip the collar of his shirt tightly and his body up against mine, latching my lips against his roughly. And with that, things took off. It was thoughtless and irresponsible but we didn’t care.
I prayed Jimmy would get here sooner.
I sat on the couch in a ball, my knees tightly tucked into my chest; my arms squeezed them into my chest. My heart was racing as tears swelled up in my eyes. I could hear the front door open then close again. Jimmy emerged from the kitchen area with his usual big goofy smile. But it was wiped away when he caught sight of me. He rushed to my aid; he sat on the coffee table and held both my hands, releasing my legs from my python like grasp.
“Hey, it’s okay. Everything’s okay.” He kept saying as he got tissues and handed them to me. I wiped away the tears and took a couple deep breathes to calm myself. But just thinking about what we’re doing threw me back into that panic.
“No, it’s not okay.” I muttered shaking my head.
“Heather, it really is. It’s okay. You can talk to me.” He kept reassuring me even though I felt like absolute crap. I shook my head and sighed. I can’t talk to anyone because this is strictly between me and Brian. Jimmy managed to get me under control enough to be able to go out for coffee since that’ll probably calm my nerves more than staying at home.



We went to the very same coffee shop Brian kissed me at, same booth and everything. The memory was still in my mind clearly.
The feeling that reeled through me was mindlessly amazing. I couldn’t help but smile at the senses that were blazing with activity as we rode on the bike.
The wind whisking passed my skin, leaving it cool and soft like its baby skin. It soared passed us with the speed of light. My cheek pressed against the back the back of his rib cage. The soft cloth from his tee shirt brushed my cheek carelessly. The feeling of the bike roaring down the streets loudly rattled me to my core. I could feel him tucked tightly against me; Brian was worried something might happen to me so he had me hang onto him tightly. My arms wrapped around his waist, my hands felt his stomach with a light touch.
The smell of the detergent he bathed his clothes in lingered off him along with his body wash. It lingered off his skin, making him smell clean and fresh; like the woods after rain fall. His cologne fell off his skin as well. The bitter sweet scent made me quiver in delight. The mixture of all the scents crept up into my nostrils.
I could hear him muttering to himself, even over the roar of the bike. He was muttering to himself with annoyance. I could feel the amount of annoyance radiating off his body. I hated what he was feeling; I’d rather him feeling happy and joyful, like he usually does.
We pulled over, the bike was turned off but we remained still for a few moments. Brian muttered to himself ungratefully. I listened closely to his mutters, he was cursing about a date he had last night, and it didn’t go well. I tapped his shoulder twice and felt his body shift, he looked back at me.
“Brian, you’re my best friend. Tell me what’s wronging you.” I demanded with a caring voice. I heard him chuckle softly and groan. He climbed off the bike, leaving me straddling the bike all alone. He took my helmet off and helped me off the bike, hands around my waist.
“I’ll tell you about it when we get into somewhere private.” He replied and grabbed hold of my hand. He led me carefully down the side walk. I smiled as I felt the sun glowing down on my skin. It was warm and welcoming. I couldn’t wait to see the way the sun glows in the sky. I can’t wait to lie in the grass looking up at the sky. I can’t wait to watch the rain fall down. I’m getting my hopes up too high again. This has failed before and it might fail again. I can’t get my hopes up too high.
Brian led me into a nice cool shop; the smell of coffee filled the air. The sounds were that of a coffee shop as well. He sat us down in a booth; he sat in front of me. I could feel his knees lightly brush against mine. His hand cupped mine gently. I inhaled deeply and concentrated on the small booth that the two of us inhabited. A serious expression crossed my face as I pushed the sun glasses up my nose to cover my eyes.
“So tell me, what’s wrong? How did your date go last night? I didn’t hear you pull into the drive until just after one.” I said softly. Brian patted the back of my hands with his rough but soothing finger tips. He sighed heavily and shifted in his head, by the way it squeaked and the way his hands shifted on top of mine. I waited patiently for a reply. I was in no rush, if he wanted to tell me then that’s his choice.
“My date was horrible, the date itself was nice and I like the girl, but.” He trailed off. I nodded and waited intently.
“I’m in this situation where I like this other girl as well but I’m not sure if she likes me. I want her to like me but she’s really smart and pretty.” He added with a calm tone. I bit my lip and nodded. I didn’t know what to say for this situation, I’ve never been in this place before but I’ve heard that if you like one person and then another person, you should always go for number two because if you truly loved the first you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.
“How long have you liked this smart pretty girl?” I asked with a gentle tone. I heard him sighed softly.
“I’ve known her a very long time but I’ve only recently began to like her as more.” He replied, his voice was gruff but tender. I shivered in my skin. I arched an eye brow curiously and smiled.
“If you want to know who you should choose, I say the second one because if you really did like the first the second one would still be a friend in your eyes.” I added with a soft voice. I waited for him to reply, he crackled lively at my comment.
“You’re right, I guess the smart pretty one wins.” Brian said with angst. I shook my head in disapproval.
“It’s not a contest, girls aren’t trophies. There is no winner or loser. If you love this person then treat her like she’s the only girl in the world, like she’s your life support.” I gave him some advice on relationships. It was like talking to a child, scolding them when they’ve done something bad. But then telling them what they’ve done wrong. Brian’s had countless girlfriends and he can’t seem to hang onto one for more than a month maybe two. Poor guy.
“How the hell can you have no husband yet?” Briand exclaimed with an eager tone. I blushed and shrugged slightly with a girly smile.
“Because they can’t get passed the blind part of me.” I answered his question with full honesty. I smiled falsely and felt the blush rest on my cheeks.
“So are you going to tell me who this pretty, smart girl is?” I asked curiously. I heard him crackle slightly and groan a little bit.
“A wise blind girl once told me, the less you use your eyes, the more you see.” He told me in riddle. I shook my head slightly and smiled even wider. But the teenage crush feeling didn’t last. I felt a pit in the bottom of my stomach as worry filled me with doubt. What if the operation fails? What if something goes wrong?
“Brian?” I called for his attention.
“Yes?” He replied. I swallowed my fear and sighed.
“What if I die? Or if the operation fails? What would you do?” I asked with a worried voice. It was shaky and unsteady. I could barely think with all these questions running through my mind. I hated thinking like this but there are the possibilities. I felt Brian move; there was a brief absence before he sat down beside me. He hooked his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to his body.
“You’re not going to die; you’re going to get your sight back. And I’ll be here waiting to be the first person you see.” His reassuring voice made me feel better. I curled my lips into a smile and leaned into him.
“I’m just worried that your imagination has played me out to be this amazingly good looking guy and when you see me you’ll run for the hills.” I laughed and shook my head. How could he say that? I didn’t care about his looks. He was my best friend and that’s all that mattered.
“You’ve made the last twenty-four years easier to deal with. I don’t care what you look like. If you’ve been by my side that long then it shouldn’t matter.” I said softly. I felt his arm pull me closer to him. My heart was fluttering with delight.
“Heather, can I give you something that’ll get you through the next little while?” He asked sullenly. I nodded carefully and smiled. I felt his body shift, his soft, warm lips pressed against my cheek softly. My heart was about to explode inside my chest. My head was sky high. I was sent soaring through the sky. He just kissed me, yeah okay it’s on the cheek but he still kissed me. My dad didn’t kiss me Good-Night after the accident. I’ve never been kissed by any other boy until now. Brian Haner just kissed me.
We sat in the booth and talked about work and how life was. I had a large coffee with one of those fancy flavoured coffee whiteners. Irish Crème I believe. Jimmy just had a large black coffee.
I had calmed down enough to keep a steady hand on my cup of coffee as I sipped it tiredly.
“Are you going to tell me why you think everything’s not okay?” He asked as he sipped his drink. I set the cup down before being able to have a sip of it. My heart sank inside my chest as the thoughts re-entered my head. I felt my lightened mood crash into darkness again.
“Last night when everyone left Brian and I tried to get pregnant again.” I felt sudden surge of shame pulse through me. Jimmy’s eyes were wide with surprise and shock. His jaw hung down.
“W-why would you two do that? You were in the clearing with that.” He sounded disturbed with that I just said. It only made me feel worse about myself.
“I know, I know. It’s just the thought of being responsible for this life that you created. You wouldn’t understand.” I said softly then drank from the cup of tongue burning coffee. Jimmy’s eyes saddened and his face dropped. His blue eyes met up to mine and he shook his head.
“Actually yes I do understand.” He said calmly. I sewed my eye brows together as I stared at him curiously. He looked ashamed of himself and that worried me.
“Please don’t tell anybody else. But I have a little three year old boy.” He went onto tell me that about four and a half years ago he had a one night stand with this girl from Santa Monica and she got pregnant with his child. She told him about it but because of the life Jimmy had he told her about it. He sees the little boy whose name is Owen. He’s still a father by paying for child support and sometimes he goes and visits for weekends or maybe a week or two.
He hasn’t told anybody about that little boy, not even the guys. He trusts the guys but he’s not willing to risk his son’s safety.
I had no idea he was a father. I had no idea he’s been a dad for three years. But now it makes sense because those trips he’d make every month, nobody knew where he’d go or why. He kept Owen a secret so no one could use him as leverage to make Jimmy do something. It made sense; he was trying to protect his young.
This just made me feel selfish and horrible. Here I want to be a mother and having a baby without thinking about all the possibilities. Jimmy gave up being a full time dad to protect his son from this life and what could happen or not happen. He’s not willing to take that risk.
“I haven’t seen him in six months and I miss him every goddamn day. I can’t even have a weekly update with a picture because I’m scared someone will try and get to me through him. I can’t let that happen.” His voice was shaky and pain ridden. He kept his voice low but it broke and cracked. It hurt to hear, especially from him.
“I promise you, it’s better if you don’t have kids because every time I see him, I’m putting him at risk.” Jimmy had tears in his eyes as he realized he was never going to be able to watch his own son grow up properly. It broke my heart when it struck me that if any of the possibilities I’ve thought of did come true if we had a child; like if Brian did a robbery and got caught and thrown in prison, our child will grow up knowing dad went to prison because neither of his parents could provide properly. It made me think twice about this. I have to make sure that none of these things ever happen and the only way to do that is by preventing a child happening.
“I can’t tell him that I don’t want to have a baby, he’s got his heart set on it.” I whimpered childishly.
“Sadly that’s true.” Jimmy nodded and frowned as he sipped his coffee. He knew I was right. I couldn’t just tell him flat out, it’d hurt his feelings and I don’t want to do that.
“Maybe you can prevent it but keep it a secret.” Jimmy suggested a very clever thing. I cocked an eye brow at his statement.
“You mean like be on the pill and not tell him?” I asked curiously. His eyes widened as he nodded at me.
“Yeah so he can keep trying and it won’t work.” He stated sullenly. I bit my bottom lip and sighed heavily.
“But there’s still a 5% chance.”
“5%?Pfftit could be worse.” He was right, it could be far worse but there’s still that slim chance of conceiving even if I’m on the pill but if it happens after trying that hard to prevent it then it’s meant to be.

Notes