They ruled it as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. There wasn’t a technical cause. It could’ve been anything from suffocating during sleep to getting too hot. My baby girl was taken from me at only six months old. The only baby Lex and I could probably ever have. I didn’t know how I was going to move forward. I don’t know how I’ll be able to be strong for Lex’s sake. I just don’t know what is going to happen. Today was the day of the funeral, but we both were trying to forget it. We didn’t want to say goodbye to Avery, forever.

“Lex, baby, we gotta go.” She sniffed and nodded. She hasn’t said much since everything happened, which I don’t blame her. She walked in front of me and I led her out with my hand on her back. We slowly made our way to the viewing at the funeral home.

“I’m not ready for this.” Lex cried. “I can’t do this.”

“Neither am I, but we have to.”

“I just can’t believe it. If I would’ve just taken her home that night, this wouldn’t have happened. I would still have my baby girl.”

“Lex, this is not your fault.”

“Yes, it is. I asked my mom to watch her one more night. I could’ve watched her that night. I could’ve saved her.”

“There was an unknown cause for this, Lex. It could’ve still happened when you had her.”

“I still don’t think that SIDS is the cause of this. I have a feeling my mother had something to do with it.”

“So do I, but if she would’ve suffocated her it would’ve shown on the autopsy.”

“What if they missed something though? What is she didn’t suffocate her, but did something else?”

“We’ll never know, sweetie. You can ask for an investigation, but I don’t know how that would go. Just because of the autopsy results.”

“I guess we can do that. I just need closure. I need my baby’s justice.” She opened the door and got out and I did the same. We made our way inside. Our family and friends were here. Lex, without any emotion, walked over to her mom.

“You’re not welcomed here. Get out.”

“Lex, I’m not leaving. I’m going to go to my granddaughter’s funeral.”

“You’re the cause of this fucking funeral!” She yelled. “Leave!” She pointed towards the door. I walked up behind her and put my arm around her.

“Amber, leave.” I told her.

“I can’t believe you two honestly believe I did something to hurt her.” She made her way out the door and we walked into the room where the ceremony was being held. Slowly everybody made their way in and gave us their sympathies. Before we knew it, the ceremony was starting. My stomach turning and my eyes burning, the priest began:

“Avery Marie Baker, taken from us way to soon. I could stand here and tell you stories, but honestly there aren’t much. I’m going to walk from the podium and allow her parents to give their speeches.” He walked away and I stood up with Lex. We slowly made our way up there and I began:

“There isn’t a doubt that this has happened. My baby girl is gone, forever. In her short six months of life, she had done so much. She was beginning to get a personality. One just like her mother’s.” I chuckled a bit. “Stubborn. It kills me to know that she won’t grow old with someone, won’t get to have her first day of school, won’t let me kill the boy’s that will hurt her, but most of all it kills me to know that she doesn’t get the justice she deserves. I love her more than anything and I always will.” I started to cry. “I’ll miss you, Avery.” I stepped down and went to the back of the stage. I just needed to cry. I needed to let it all out. Lex came up behind me and put her hand on my back and rubbed it.

“It’s okay.” She soothed. “It’s okay to cry. I know you’ve tried to stay strong, but you need to cry.” I nodded and turned around and just wrapped my arms around her. I buried my face into her neck and cried. “I, uh, have to give my speech, now, baby.” I sniffed and pulled away.

“I know. C’mon.” I grabbed her hand and we walked back to the podium. I cleared my throat. “Sorry about that. Um, Lex.” I looked at her and she began:

“Thank you all for coming to this ceremony. It just fucking sucks what it’s for. Avery was my life. Zack’s too. She didn’t deserve to die so soon. I’ll never be able to have another child. She was my only child.” She began to cry. “Most of you know about my infertility and how Avery was nothing short than a miracle. For someone to take her away from me so soon is beyond me. Every little thing that she did will forever be in memory. I will love her more than anything until the day I die. She will be up there watching over us and making sure we’re all okay. The best thing I have done with my life is give birth to her. She just got taken way too soon. Avery Marie, I love you baby girl. I’ll miss you more than you could ever know.” And with that Lex walked off of the stage and over to the casket. She stood there for a good minute before running out the door. I jumped off the stage and ran after her.

“Lex.” I screamed. She stopped on the other side of the road and just fell to the ground. I rushed over to her.

“I can’t do it.” She cried. “I can’t.”

“Baby, it’s almost over. C’mon. I know you can’t, but we have too.” She looked up at me and I never want to see that look in her face for the rest of my life.

“She’s gone, Zack. Avery is gone.” Tears were begging to come out as I touched the side of her face.

“We’ll be okay.” That was all I could say before I broke down too. I held her and she held me. We both were hysterically crying on the side of the road, but we didn’t care. There isn’t a pain worse than losing your child. About five minutes later, we had calmed down.

“Are you ready to go back inside?” I asked her.

“Yeah and then I want to go home. I don’t want any more sympathies. I don’t want anyone home. I want you and I. That’s it.”

I nodded. “Okay.” We got up and made our way back into the funeral home. Everybody’s eyes were on us when we walked back in. The priest walked up to us.

“Are you guys ready to go to the cemetery?” He asked.

“Yes, sir.” And with that everybody got up and walked passed Avery and looked at her one last time. There honestly wasn’t a dry eye in the whole place. Once everyone got in their designated vehicles, we made our way to the cemetery. The funeral home workers got everything ready and everyone sat down or stood around. We all patiently waited and the priest closed the ceremony with a prayer. We all put roses on Avery’s grave and they slowly lowered it. I held Lex in my arms and we both silently cried.

“Honey.” My mom tapped my shoulder. I wiped my face and turned around.

“Yeah?”

“Your dad and I are heading out. This was a beautiful ceremony. Lex, if you need anything call me, okay? I’m always here to talk.”

“Thank you.” She slightly smiled. We both gave my mom a hug and they left.

“You guys want us to come over?” Matt asked.

“No, Lex just wants it to be me and her tonight. We need to talk. We need to figure out what we’re going to do.” Matt nodded.

“I understand.”

Before long, everybody had left and Lex and I were back home. We both weren’t saying anything, but yet there wasn’t much to stay. The past few weeks have been hell for the both of us. Reality hit us hard and we both remembered what happened before Avery. I remembered all the harsh, inconsiderate things I have said.

I was now sitting on the couch watching TV. Well I wasn’t really watching it, it was pretty much background noise. My mind was racing. I was thinking about Avery, Lex, what happened before, and what is going to happen now.

“Hey.” Lex said sitting down next to me.

“Hey.”

“We don’t need to talk about what happened until later. Right now, we need each other more than ever. We’ll deal with that stupid shit later. I don’t care what happened. I need you and you need me. We just lost our daughter. We don’t need to lose each other.”

I looked at her. “So there’s something that will cause me to lose you?” I asked. “Lex, my mind is racing. I’m coming up with all these ideas and wondering if they’re true. I need to know the truth.”

“You do know the truth. Please, Zack. Let’s take a week off of this drama. Let’s grieve. Let’s remember our daughter.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“I love you, Zack. I really do. Don’t you ever think otherwise.”

“I love you, too.” I sighed knowing that this was going to stay in my head all week. How was I supposed to forget about everything? Especially now with what she just told me?