The Final Decision
Chapter XXIV
Brian’s P.O.V.
At least forty-five minutes have passed and I was feeling way better. Thank god for alcohol and its ability to numb feelings. Everybody was sitting in a circle reminiscing and just having a good time. I knew I was going to regret this tomorrow, but I just have to think about getting through tonight.
“Beer round?” I asked everyone and they all nodded and I got up to run inside. I stopped at the rather large refrigerator and got out a fresh round of various kinds of beers.
“Do you need help?” That familiar voice asked. I turned around and saw Lexi standing in the kitchen.
“Uh, sure.” She smiled and grabbed a handful from me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I figured it was the least I could do.” I just looked at her. “I’m sorry, Bri. I really am.”
I sighed. “Don’t be. I’m okay.”
She smiled and nodded. “Of course you are. You always are.” She turned back around and walked back outside and I just stood there. I was dumbfounded. Those words repeated in my head and they meant so much to me. Why, I don’t know. I shook off the thoughts and made my way outside with the rest of the beers. I sat back down and just stared off in the distance, thinking.
“Are you okay?” Michelle whispered.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I replied, hoping that would make her stop asking me. I really didn’t want to talk right now. I just wanted to go and lock myself in my room. I wanted to run away from my problems. What I always do. Maybe that’s what I did that night. She was on my doorstep in tears. She was begging me to be with her. Forget Zack, forget her baby, just me and her. And I refused. I said no. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I ran away from her thinking I was helping her. I ran away from a problem I saw brewing. I avoided my own happiness so I wasn’t stuck in a position I didn’t want to be in. How much of an idiot can I be? I had the sudden urge to cry. I needed to get away. And quick. I stood up.
“I’ll be back.” I walked quickly into the house and went straight to my room. I shut the door and just fell to my knees. I know I’m supposed to be a man and just shrug it off, but I’ve done it long enough. I had to let it out. I had to get rid of this burden I had hanging over me. A burden? Lexi isn’t a burden. I’m a burden. I heard the door knob turn and I hurried to stand up and went over to the dresser. I didn’t want to see who it was because I was sure it was Michelle. Wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I looked at myself in the mirror and that’s when I noticed it was Lex.
“Val told me.”
“What?”
“She told me everything.” I looked down at my tattooed hands and tears once again threatened to fall. I tried to stop them. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. I didn’t want her to feel guilty. “Brian, I tried.”
“Don’t.” I stopped her.
“No, I have to. I know you’re hurting. I know you just want me to go away. But I can’t.”
“Why did you come up here?”
“To make sure you were okay.” I didn’t say anything. “Are you okay, Brian?”
“Truthfully, no. But I don’t need you to sit and feel guilty for the shit I’ve done.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing? I don’t need your sympathy. I’m the one that should be apologizing.”
“No, you don’t need to apologize. You did what was right.”
I turned around and looked at her. “It wasn’t fucking right, Lex. I had you. I had you.” My voice cracked once again and I just couldn’t hold it back any longer. “You were on my doorstep begging me and I turned you down.”
“I was in a low place.”
“You were willing to give up everything for me.”
“Yes, I was.”
“And I said no.”
“Yes, you did.”
“I ran away thinking I was doing something good for you.”
“You were.”
“What good came out of this?”
“We’re back where we belong.”
“I’m not where I fucking belong. I’m with Michelle for crying out loud. I went back to the one person that has fucked me over more than anyone. One of the few people that has made me cry. One that has hurt me beyond recognition. And she is sitting out there. She’s fucking sitting out there.”
“What’s this about?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“You’re confusing me.”
“Here let me put this in perspective for you. I love you, you already get that. I was with Michelle; madly in love with her. Bam, she’s fucking someone else. I turn to you to find out you’re with my best friend. You have a fucking child with my best friend. You marry my best friend. But yet, you were on my door step in tears begging for me to love you and to be with you. You were giving up everything for me, but I turned you away. I put my best friend’s feelings ahead of my own. And now I’m stuck in this fucked up relationship once again with a bitch that cheated on me and I am back in the position I swore I never wanted to be back in. Being in love with you, and I can’t do a goddamn thing about it.”
“It isn’t my fault.”
“No, it isn’t. It’s mine. I fucked up everything once again.”
“You said you were okay.” She said, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I lied.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“I’m not doing anything! You were the one that walked up here. I came up here to get away from you. I can’t be around you while you’re with Zack. I just can’t handle it. I’ve tried for years and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t be in this situation anymore.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to decide. Finally decide. No turning back. I want you to choose. Do you want to be with me? Or do you want this fairytale love story with Zack? Your answer will determine what else I will do.”
“You can’t put me on the spot like this, Brian. This isn’t fair.”
“Fair? How is it fair for you to act like you fucking hate me one day and you love and care for me the next? Don’t fucking talk to me about what’s fair.”
“I can’t fucking choose between you two! You know that. I’ve been fighting this fucking battle for how long now? You think that if I just knew who I wanted I would be settled down by now?”
“Well now you have to choose, Lex. You and I both know we can’t do this forever.”
“But I just can’t. You don’t understand.”
“You don’t understand how much harder you’re making this.”
“How am I supposed to choose when I love you both equally?”
“Just the other day you swore you were done. You wanted to be with Zack. If you do, tell me now.”
She stared at me, tears swelling in her eyes. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t let go of you.”
“That isn’t an answer.”
“What the fuck more do you want from me? I just got back with Zack. You haven’t even given me a fucking chance to see if we’ll work out. You can’t stand the fact that I’m with him. I get that. You love me. I get that. But why make yourself suffer by dwelling on this shit? I can’t just leave Zack and get with you. You can’t just fucking leave Michelle and get with me. That’s not how the world works. You’re not looking at the whole entire picture. You don’t see the harm this could cause.”
“You haven’t said no.”
“What?” She snapped.
“You haven’t said no. You still love me?”
“Of course I do.” She shook her head. “I just can’t do this. We can’t do this.”
“What if we do?”
“Brian! I can’t leave Zack.”
“So don’t.”
“You’re so goddamn confusing. I’m leaving.”
“No, wait. You could be with both of us. I could be on the side. We keep it a secret.”
She rolled her eyes. “I am not that type of girl.”
“You’ve already cheated before. You said it yourself, you can’t choose between us. Why not make us both happy?”
“I can’t believe you.”
“Just think about it. You could solve all this shit. No one will have to know. I’ll stay with Michelle and you stay with Zack. You act as if nothing is wrong. We have certain days and times that we see each other and that’s it. We won’t text, call, or anything. We won’t give any indication that we’re together. That way we can try us out. If you don’t want me, then tell me. Go back to Zack.”
“You’re fucking serious about this aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what my answer will be. Don’t be shocked if I say no.” She grabbed the door knob and turned it. “You didn’t want to hurt your best friend, but think about what this will do to him.” She opened the door and walked out. What have I just done?
At least forty-five minutes have passed and I was feeling way better. Thank god for alcohol and its ability to numb feelings. Everybody was sitting in a circle reminiscing and just having a good time. I knew I was going to regret this tomorrow, but I just have to think about getting through tonight.
“Beer round?” I asked everyone and they all nodded and I got up to run inside. I stopped at the rather large refrigerator and got out a fresh round of various kinds of beers.
“Do you need help?” That familiar voice asked. I turned around and saw Lexi standing in the kitchen.
“Uh, sure.” She smiled and grabbed a handful from me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I figured it was the least I could do.” I just looked at her. “I’m sorry, Bri. I really am.”
I sighed. “Don’t be. I’m okay.”
She smiled and nodded. “Of course you are. You always are.” She turned back around and walked back outside and I just stood there. I was dumbfounded. Those words repeated in my head and they meant so much to me. Why, I don’t know. I shook off the thoughts and made my way outside with the rest of the beers. I sat back down and just stared off in the distance, thinking.
“Are you okay?” Michelle whispered.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I replied, hoping that would make her stop asking me. I really didn’t want to talk right now. I just wanted to go and lock myself in my room. I wanted to run away from my problems. What I always do. Maybe that’s what I did that night. She was on my doorstep in tears. She was begging me to be with her. Forget Zack, forget her baby, just me and her. And I refused. I said no. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I ran away from her thinking I was helping her. I ran away from a problem I saw brewing. I avoided my own happiness so I wasn’t stuck in a position I didn’t want to be in. How much of an idiot can I be? I had the sudden urge to cry. I needed to get away. And quick. I stood up.
“I’ll be back.” I walked quickly into the house and went straight to my room. I shut the door and just fell to my knees. I know I’m supposed to be a man and just shrug it off, but I’ve done it long enough. I had to let it out. I had to get rid of this burden I had hanging over me. A burden? Lexi isn’t a burden. I’m a burden. I heard the door knob turn and I hurried to stand up and went over to the dresser. I didn’t want to see who it was because I was sure it was Michelle. Wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I looked at myself in the mirror and that’s when I noticed it was Lex.
“Val told me.”
“What?”
“She told me everything.” I looked down at my tattooed hands and tears once again threatened to fall. I tried to stop them. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. I didn’t want her to feel guilty. “Brian, I tried.”
“Don’t.” I stopped her.
“No, I have to. I know you’re hurting. I know you just want me to go away. But I can’t.”
“Why did you come up here?”
“To make sure you were okay.” I didn’t say anything. “Are you okay, Brian?”
“Truthfully, no. But I don’t need you to sit and feel guilty for the shit I’ve done.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing? I don’t need your sympathy. I’m the one that should be apologizing.”
“No, you don’t need to apologize. You did what was right.”
I turned around and looked at her. “It wasn’t fucking right, Lex. I had you. I had you.” My voice cracked once again and I just couldn’t hold it back any longer. “You were on my doorstep begging me and I turned you down.”
“I was in a low place.”
“You were willing to give up everything for me.”
“Yes, I was.”
“And I said no.”
“Yes, you did.”
“I ran away thinking I was doing something good for you.”
“You were.”
“What good came out of this?”
“We’re back where we belong.”
“I’m not where I fucking belong. I’m with Michelle for crying out loud. I went back to the one person that has fucked me over more than anyone. One of the few people that has made me cry. One that has hurt me beyond recognition. And she is sitting out there. She’s fucking sitting out there.”
“What’s this about?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“You’re confusing me.”
“Here let me put this in perspective for you. I love you, you already get that. I was with Michelle; madly in love with her. Bam, she’s fucking someone else. I turn to you to find out you’re with my best friend. You have a fucking child with my best friend. You marry my best friend. But yet, you were on my door step in tears begging for me to love you and to be with you. You were giving up everything for me, but I turned you away. I put my best friend’s feelings ahead of my own. And now I’m stuck in this fucked up relationship once again with a bitch that cheated on me and I am back in the position I swore I never wanted to be back in. Being in love with you, and I can’t do a goddamn thing about it.”
“It isn’t my fault.”
“No, it isn’t. It’s mine. I fucked up everything once again.”
“You said you were okay.” She said, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I lied.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“I’m not doing anything! You were the one that walked up here. I came up here to get away from you. I can’t be around you while you’re with Zack. I just can’t handle it. I’ve tried for years and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t be in this situation anymore.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to decide. Finally decide. No turning back. I want you to choose. Do you want to be with me? Or do you want this fairytale love story with Zack? Your answer will determine what else I will do.”
“You can’t put me on the spot like this, Brian. This isn’t fair.”
“Fair? How is it fair for you to act like you fucking hate me one day and you love and care for me the next? Don’t fucking talk to me about what’s fair.”
“I can’t fucking choose between you two! You know that. I’ve been fighting this fucking battle for how long now? You think that if I just knew who I wanted I would be settled down by now?”
“Well now you have to choose, Lex. You and I both know we can’t do this forever.”
“But I just can’t. You don’t understand.”
“You don’t understand how much harder you’re making this.”
“How am I supposed to choose when I love you both equally?”
“Just the other day you swore you were done. You wanted to be with Zack. If you do, tell me now.”
She stared at me, tears swelling in her eyes. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t let go of you.”
“That isn’t an answer.”
“What the fuck more do you want from me? I just got back with Zack. You haven’t even given me a fucking chance to see if we’ll work out. You can’t stand the fact that I’m with him. I get that. You love me. I get that. But why make yourself suffer by dwelling on this shit? I can’t just leave Zack and get with you. You can’t just fucking leave Michelle and get with me. That’s not how the world works. You’re not looking at the whole entire picture. You don’t see the harm this could cause.”
“You haven’t said no.”
“What?” She snapped.
“You haven’t said no. You still love me?”
“Of course I do.” She shook her head. “I just can’t do this. We can’t do this.”
“What if we do?”
“Brian! I can’t leave Zack.”
“So don’t.”
“You’re so goddamn confusing. I’m leaving.”
“No, wait. You could be with both of us. I could be on the side. We keep it a secret.”
She rolled her eyes. “I am not that type of girl.”
“You’ve already cheated before. You said it yourself, you can’t choose between us. Why not make us both happy?”
“I can’t believe you.”
“Just think about it. You could solve all this shit. No one will have to know. I’ll stay with Michelle and you stay with Zack. You act as if nothing is wrong. We have certain days and times that we see each other and that’s it. We won’t text, call, or anything. We won’t give any indication that we’re together. That way we can try us out. If you don’t want me, then tell me. Go back to Zack.”
“You’re fucking serious about this aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what my answer will be. Don’t be shocked if I say no.” She grabbed the door knob and turned it. “You didn’t want to hurt your best friend, but think about what this will do to him.” She opened the door and walked out. What have I just done?
Notes
Soooo whatcha think? :)Thank you all <3
Update soon please. I love this story.
4/30/17