Indestructable
Goodbye Meg
The last few days haven't been the best. Since we got back to Huntington Beach, I've had my door locked and been cutting my arms every time I went to the bathroom. All my friends are gone...Today is the funeral and I was getting ready. I could hear the guys talking downstairs and I mustard up enough strength to walk downstairs with my guitar. I seen the guys and they all came over to me. Val hugged me and I went into the kitchen and grabbed me a water bottle from the fridge before walking out the door and getting into the car to go to the funeral home. I looked out the window and seen the sky so bright blue and couldn't help but think about my 2 best friends. We always were inseparable and now death has separated us forever. I hung my head and laid it against the window. We arrived and got out of the car. I walked into the building with my guitar and seen her lifeless body laying in the specially designed casket we made for her. I walked up and sat my guitar down on a seat in the front row and went over and stood next to her body. She looked so peaceful and I knew she wouldn't be in peace until I sung to her.
She had 3 songs that she told me about that she would love to have sung at her funeral and I was going to honor her request. People piled into the funeral home. Most of them were fans and others were the Sisters from the orphanage in Alabama. The people sat down and it was time to start. I sat down next to Brian and Matt and took my guitar out of it's case and sat it in front of me. The preacher spoke a few words of comfort that wasn't helping. He called me to the front and I slowly got up with my guitar and strapped it around me.
"Most of you knew Meg but I think I knew her better than most. She was my best friend and a good person to anyone she met but if it came to it, she could put a beat down on someone. She always defended me when I was younger when some of the older kids picked on me. I am eternally grateful for that. She was telling me one day that she would like me to sing 3 of her favorite songs at her funeral and I will honor her last wish tonight. This first song was always her favorite. It's called Field Of Innocence." I said and began to play and sing.
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Iesu,
Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
I still remember.
The song ended and I wiped a stray tear out of my eye.
"Meg. This girl I swear to you could make anyone smile even if you're having a bad day. I know she helped me on adoption days at Saint Teresa's because I thought I would never be adopted because of what happened in my past. Someone did adopt me and I'm glad he did. Meg was always was a joker but she was a sucker for christian songs. This song is by Mercy Me and it's called I Can Only Imagine." I said once again and began to play and sing.
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When i walk
By your side
I can only imagine
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will i dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will i stand in your presence
Or to my knees will i fall
Will i sing halealujah
Will i be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And i find myself
Standing in the son
I can only imagine
When all i will do
Is forever
Forever worship you
I can only imagine
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will i dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will i stand in your presence
Or to my knees will i fall
Will i sing hallelujah
Will i be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
The song ended and the tears fell like rain but I never wiped them away.
"Meg loved to hear me sing before she went to bed every night and when I left the orphanage she called me every night wanting me to sing her to sleep. I know she looks at peace but I know she isn't until I sing this last song. It's one I wrote and sung at a concert with my boys. It's called My Immortal." I said composing myself for the heartbreaking song we sung together.
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me
The song ended and I walked back to my seat and listened to the preacher say a few more words before we stood to review the body once more. I stood there for what seemed like hours but was merely seconds before I walked away from her. I got into the car with the guys and we followed the hearse to the grave site. The pallbearers took her body out of the hearse and over to the grave. The preacher said the Lord's Prayer and they lowered her into the grave as we walked away. I turned back around and leaned up against a tree and looked up and the sky.
"Goodbye Meg." I said sadly and walked over to the boys standing by the car.
She had 3 songs that she told me about that she would love to have sung at her funeral and I was going to honor her request. People piled into the funeral home. Most of them were fans and others were the Sisters from the orphanage in Alabama. The people sat down and it was time to start. I sat down next to Brian and Matt and took my guitar out of it's case and sat it in front of me. The preacher spoke a few words of comfort that wasn't helping. He called me to the front and I slowly got up with my guitar and strapped it around me.
"Most of you knew Meg but I think I knew her better than most. She was my best friend and a good person to anyone she met but if it came to it, she could put a beat down on someone. She always defended me when I was younger when some of the older kids picked on me. I am eternally grateful for that. She was telling me one day that she would like me to sing 3 of her favorite songs at her funeral and I will honor her last wish tonight. This first song was always her favorite. It's called Field Of Innocence." I said and began to play and sing.
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Iesu,
Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
I still remember.
The song ended and I wiped a stray tear out of my eye.
"Meg. This girl I swear to you could make anyone smile even if you're having a bad day. I know she helped me on adoption days at Saint Teresa's because I thought I would never be adopted because of what happened in my past. Someone did adopt me and I'm glad he did. Meg was always was a joker but she was a sucker for christian songs. This song is by Mercy Me and it's called I Can Only Imagine." I said once again and began to play and sing.
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When i walk
By your side
I can only imagine
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will i dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will i stand in your presence
Or to my knees will i fall
Will i sing halealujah
Will i be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And i find myself
Standing in the son
I can only imagine
When all i will do
Is forever
Forever worship you
I can only imagine
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will i dance for you Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will i stand in your presence
Or to my knees will i fall
Will i sing hallelujah
Will i be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
The song ended and the tears fell like rain but I never wiped them away.
"Meg loved to hear me sing before she went to bed every night and when I left the orphanage she called me every night wanting me to sing her to sleep. I know she looks at peace but I know she isn't until I sing this last song. It's one I wrote and sung at a concert with my boys. It's called My Immortal." I said composing myself for the heartbreaking song we sung together.
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me
The song ended and I walked back to my seat and listened to the preacher say a few more words before we stood to review the body once more. I stood there for what seemed like hours but was merely seconds before I walked away from her. I got into the car with the guys and we followed the hearse to the grave site. The pallbearers took her body out of the hearse and over to the grave. The preacher said the Lord's Prayer and they lowered her into the grave as we walked away. I turned back around and leaned up against a tree and looked up and the sky.
"Goodbye Meg." I said sadly and walked over to the boys standing by the car.
Notes
comments?It' so damn sad...I wrote this chapter only a few days after my stepfather passed away from cancer and I had sang those songs at his funeral...
2/18/13