No one has to know.
Thirty six: Waiting for a hint of a spark.
They allowed me to go home a week later after they said that they’d been monitoring me and I was okay and they didn’t think that I was going to try and kill myself again. But they’d referred me to a psychiatrist and that’s where I was now.
Her name was Dr Lindsey Brown and she was a nice woman from what I’d gathered from the few minutes sitting in her office.
“So Riley, obviously you don’t have to talk right now if you don’t want to” She said to me “But I would like to start by asking the most obvious question on everyone’s minds, why did you try to kill yourself” I sighed I knew she was going to ask me this.
“Because I thought that Zacky didn’t love me anymore” I said
“Who’s Zacky”
“Well he’s… he’s my boyfriend, but… but he’s so much more than that, he’s been my best friend since I was three, and I guess I always loved him but I never really realised until he told me that he’d been in love with me since I was thirteen and then he kissed me and we slept together and I thought that I’d ruined our friendship completely but then I realised that we didn’t and that I was just as much in love with him as he was with me and we were together for two months and everything was perfect, he’s perfect, the way he snores just a little bit when he’s asleep, and how cute he is when he’s asleep or when he eats the peanut butter straight out of the jar with the spoon and he thinks you’re not looking, and then they way that he still wears bow ties on stage even though they’re so incredibly outdated but then he wears his sunglasses and he’s just so fucking adorable and I can’t help but be hopelessly, head over heels in love with him, but because I thought that he didn’t love me anymore, it just felt like the end of the world and I didn’t want to be in it anymore if it means I had to live without him loving me” I finished, panting for breath.
“So because you felt he didn’t love you anymore, you didn’t want to be alive anymore?”
“Yes”
“Has that ever happened before?”
“Me trying to kill myself? No, this was the first time I ever tried”
“Have you ever thought he didn’t love you before?”
“No because I didn’t know he did until recently and we’ve been going through the
whole ‘honeymoon phase’ as Matt calls it, and we’ve only had eyes for each other which is kind of true I guess”
“And who’s Matt?”
“He’s one of Zacky’s band mates”
“Okay… and what about when Zacky goes on tour?”
“Well I normally go with them, I have my own bunk in the bus”
“Okay” She said “Well Riley from what you’ve told me so far I think that you and
Zacky are very much in love, but you’re going to have to talk about this with him”
“I know, but I don’t think he wants to talk about it, I think he’s scared to hear it”
“He has to realise that you’re going to need someone to talk about it with though”
“Yeah I know but still he’s a guy, he doesn’t really talk about his feelings”
“He will, or he’ll at least have to listen”
“I can try to get him to listen I suppose”
“Okay well that’s all we have time for today Riley, so I will see you next week, same
time, and we can talk more”
“Okay, thank you Doctor Brown” I said getting up from the chair, she handed me a card with my next appointment time on it and I left. I went outside and saw Zacky sitting in the waiting room for me, a grin lit up his face when he saw me and he stood up.
“Hey” He said kissing me then taking my hand and we left.
[centre X-X-X
“So what did you talk about?” He asked me
“You” I said as we sat curled up on the couch watching 101 Dalmatians (Don’t ask).
“Really? Why me?”
“Because she asked me about me”
“What did you say?”
“That I love you, everything about you the way you snore just a little bit when you’re asleep, and how cute you are when you are asleep or when you eats the peanut butter straight out of the jar with the spoon and you think that I’m not looking, and then they way that you still wears bow ties on stage even though they’re so incredibly outdated and how I just love you and think you’re amazing and adorable and how much I fucking love you”
His stare was intense, the way he was looking at me, it unnerved me a little bit, and I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat and looked at my hands in my lap, but then I felt him shift and his lips pressed against my temple, I sighed and relaxed into his touch. His arms slid around my waist and pulled me closer to him, pushing me slowly onto my back on the couch, the kiss started out slowly but it ended up with the both of us minus all of our clothes and Zacky moving his hand around under the couch for something.
“What’re you looking for?” I asked breathily.
“This” He pulled out a small box and opened it, there were three condoms in there,
I laughed, only he would plan to fuck me on the couch. He grinned and opened one, putting it on.
I know the neighbours could probably hear us, and when they knocked on the door and heard me screaming his name I think they got the idea of what was going on and left. When we were done we just lay there, holding each other for a long time, but something had changed in the air, something was different, sure we cuddled after sex most of the time but this was different, the more I thought about it the more I realised what had just happened, we’d made love properly for the first time, even if it was on the living room couch.
Her name was Dr Lindsey Brown and she was a nice woman from what I’d gathered from the few minutes sitting in her office.
“So Riley, obviously you don’t have to talk right now if you don’t want to” She said to me “But I would like to start by asking the most obvious question on everyone’s minds, why did you try to kill yourself” I sighed I knew she was going to ask me this.
“Because I thought that Zacky didn’t love me anymore” I said
“Who’s Zacky”
“Well he’s… he’s my boyfriend, but… but he’s so much more than that, he’s been my best friend since I was three, and I guess I always loved him but I never really realised until he told me that he’d been in love with me since I was thirteen and then he kissed me and we slept together and I thought that I’d ruined our friendship completely but then I realised that we didn’t and that I was just as much in love with him as he was with me and we were together for two months and everything was perfect, he’s perfect, the way he snores just a little bit when he’s asleep, and how cute he is when he’s asleep or when he eats the peanut butter straight out of the jar with the spoon and he thinks you’re not looking, and then they way that he still wears bow ties on stage even though they’re so incredibly outdated but then he wears his sunglasses and he’s just so fucking adorable and I can’t help but be hopelessly, head over heels in love with him, but because I thought that he didn’t love me anymore, it just felt like the end of the world and I didn’t want to be in it anymore if it means I had to live without him loving me” I finished, panting for breath.
“So because you felt he didn’t love you anymore, you didn’t want to be alive anymore?”
“Yes”
“Has that ever happened before?”
“Me trying to kill myself? No, this was the first time I ever tried”
“Have you ever thought he didn’t love you before?”
“No because I didn’t know he did until recently and we’ve been going through the
whole ‘honeymoon phase’ as Matt calls it, and we’ve only had eyes for each other which is kind of true I guess”
“And who’s Matt?”
“He’s one of Zacky’s band mates”
“Okay… and what about when Zacky goes on tour?”
“Well I normally go with them, I have my own bunk in the bus”
“Okay” She said “Well Riley from what you’ve told me so far I think that you and
Zacky are very much in love, but you’re going to have to talk about this with him”
“I know, but I don’t think he wants to talk about it, I think he’s scared to hear it”
“He has to realise that you’re going to need someone to talk about it with though”
“Yeah I know but still he’s a guy, he doesn’t really talk about his feelings”
“He will, or he’ll at least have to listen”
“I can try to get him to listen I suppose”
“Okay well that’s all we have time for today Riley, so I will see you next week, same
time, and we can talk more”
“Okay, thank you Doctor Brown” I said getting up from the chair, she handed me a card with my next appointment time on it and I left. I went outside and saw Zacky sitting in the waiting room for me, a grin lit up his face when he saw me and he stood up.
“Hey” He said kissing me then taking my hand and we left.
[centre X-X-X
“So what did you talk about?” He asked me
“You” I said as we sat curled up on the couch watching 101 Dalmatians (Don’t ask).
“Really? Why me?”
“Because she asked me about me”
“What did you say?”
“That I love you, everything about you the way you snore just a little bit when you’re asleep, and how cute you are when you are asleep or when you eats the peanut butter straight out of the jar with the spoon and you think that I’m not looking, and then they way that you still wears bow ties on stage even though they’re so incredibly outdated and how I just love you and think you’re amazing and adorable and how much I fucking love you”
His stare was intense, the way he was looking at me, it unnerved me a little bit, and I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat and looked at my hands in my lap, but then I felt him shift and his lips pressed against my temple, I sighed and relaxed into his touch. His arms slid around my waist and pulled me closer to him, pushing me slowly onto my back on the couch, the kiss started out slowly but it ended up with the both of us minus all of our clothes and Zacky moving his hand around under the couch for something.
“What’re you looking for?” I asked breathily.
“This” He pulled out a small box and opened it, there were three condoms in there,
I laughed, only he would plan to fuck me on the couch. He grinned and opened one, putting it on.
I know the neighbours could probably hear us, and when they knocked on the door and heard me screaming his name I think they got the idea of what was going on and left. When we were done we just lay there, holding each other for a long time, but something had changed in the air, something was different, sure we cuddled after sex most of the time but this was different, the more I thought about it the more I realised what had just happened, we’d made love properly for the first time, even if it was on the living room couch.
@Tones27tga
Life in technicolour :)
5/27/14