Almost Lover
002.
We're all dying a little everyday but these days it seems like I'm dying more than I'm supposed to. I'm suffocating in my own emotions. I'm breathing in this old, recycled breath that hasn't left my house since she did. I knew I was in trouble when all my dreams were about dying and kissing her. I died the day I met her, I died the day she left me. My soul unraveled from my body and journeyed into the darkness. A darkness that now surrounds my very being. Every hour in every day I sit and think about what my life would be like if I hadn't met her. If instead, I only brushed past her after that concert. The smile she kissed at me left my heart beating rather than flat lining. "Hi there," I grabbed her arm as she moved away. "You're beautiful, you know that?" I could see her olive colored cheeks flush a ruby red. I hooked her. She was addicted to my love and now I'm addicted to the sadness she gave me.
My eyes moved from wall to wall. An egg shell white with an off white trim. There were no photos. Photos were just a sadistic reminder of what my life was and is now. Only a few awards sat on the mantle and magnets scattered on the refrigerator. I liked to be alone. And I like to be sad. But I would like it more if I had her back in my life. But for now, I wallow. And I enjoy it because if I was normal, I would be insane. And only I would understand what that means. Maybe I'm mentally ill. It could be some genetic defect that skips generations.
"Well, are you going to be a gentleman and walk me to my car or what?" A voice interrupted my thoughts. Lilly stood about 5 foot 2, with her hands on well developed hips.
"I thought I was being a gentleman last night, letting you stay here and all." I opened the fridge and pulled out a water bottle. She was dressed up in her old clothes again. Her keys hanging between her painted black fingertips. I could see the small tattoo that was carved on her wrist. I couldn't read it but I liked the fact that it was there. I grabbed a coat. The Santa Ana's were arriving and I could see the palm trees swaying already. I followed her out the door and locked it behind me. Rows of cars were anchored on each side of the road. They protected us from on coming traffic.
"Your friends invited my friends to a bonfire tomorrow, well technically tonight. I'm not sure if you're okay with that. Especially after I yelled at you."
"I didn't take it personally Lilly." I watched her eyes film with a taste of desire as I said her name. I liked how I did that. "I think it would be cool if you came to the bonfire. I mean, since you don't know where it is, you can meet me at my house and ill drive." We rounded a corner to the underground parking. And I ended our journey there. "Be here around 6," I said before she could even answer. She turned and left. I was alone. Until 6. I didn't like her, I had no sexual attraction towards her either but I just needed a friend. Someone I didn't know who I could explain my insanity too. Maybe she would understand me. My walk back was soothing. The warm sun kissed my face and the strong wind danced through my hair. I missed this wind, it didn't come as often as I wanted.
I found myself in the shower. After I searched through my walk in closet. Half of it was empty, still. When she took her clothes and rows of shoes, I never did anything to it. I left it there and sometimes I sit and touch the small memories she left behind. I found her underwear one time. I touched myself to it right then. I looked at my side once more. I had everything a man could imagine yet I had nothing to wear. I settled on a T shirt and a pair of Levi's. I wanted to be comfortable so I saved the bow ties for a better night. I heard a soft knock on my door. Lilly stood before me in black tight jeans, a plain white t shirt, and a army green cropped jacket. Her choppy brown hair was pinned to the side and a pair of anchor earrings clung against her lobes. I smiled, a fake one at best, but at least it was a smile. She made her way inside my home and looked around.
"I brought this," she spoke. "I know I came a few hours early but I figured we could pre game a little bit." That sounded perfect. I took the bottle of whiskey from her hands and popped the cap off.
"She was never a fan of whiskey," I thought I I said this to my self but instead I spoke it verbally. "She liked wine if anything at all, and not even red wind. She liked white." Lilly didn't speak. It was like she knew I needed to tell her this. Like it was the most important piece of information in the entire world. "She hated when I drank. But I did it just to piss her off sometimes. Sometimes anger was the only emotion we shared between us." Lilly looked at me. I couldn't decipher her expression.
"Adrian and I," She began. I assumed Adrian was the one she just broke up with. She grabbed the bottle and took a seat on the tile floor of my kitchen. Her head rested against the cabinet below the sink. I rested against the dish washer. "We drank all the time. Matter of fact, he drank all the time." I gulped." He hated whiskey but he loved beer. He hated whiskey but he loved Gin. I acquired the taste because of him."
"Why did you break up with him?" I asked.
"Why did you break up with her?" I shook my head and grabbed the bottle. Pressing the glass to my lips and taking a good long swig.
"She broke up with me, remember?" I chirped. "She destroyed me."
"People don't destroy you, you destroy yourself. She led you to water like a horse but you didn't have to drink."
"I had to drink, I was dehydrated. She sucked every ounce of water from my body and I enjoyed every moment."
"You're fucked up." Lilly had the bottle now. "I'm fucked up too."
We sat in silence. For a very long time. We just drank and eventually I lit a cigarette.
"She hated when I smoked."
"Did she hate everything you do?"
"No, in the beginning she loved that I was in a band."
"Until you started to tour, I'm guessing."
"And she loved that I could defend her and protect her."
"By that you mean support her financially." Lilly smirked. The alcohol was talking now.
"You don't know anything." I said softly.
"I've been in your position before Zacky." She laughed light heartedly. "I was your "her" to someone else." I was intrigued.
"Before Adrian, I liked to destroy people. Destroy their personalities, their hobbies, and anything else they loved. I liked being that tornado that came and went in a whirlwind of destruction." I looked at her, she was staring at the ground. She wasn't proud. "I met this guy, Alex was his name. And he was in a band. I'm scared you'll know him, I remember being at a show and seeing your bands name plastered at the headliner. I went to high school with him, just for a year when I was bouncing around high schools. He remembered me when I saw him at a bar. We struck it off from there. I loved him, I really did but I wanted to make him hurt. I know I'm fucked. I know. I lead him on, I made him fall in love with an imposter. I took everything he loved and made it mine so now when he looked back upon it he thinks of me. I wanted that. I ripped his heart out, I fucking lied about cheating on him." I felt a resentment growing inside of me towards her but something was stopping me from judging. I was just as fucked up, like she said. "Everyday I wish I could apologize but I can't. I'm such a coward."
"Is this Alex Varkatzas?" I saw her stiffen.
"Yeah." I had the bottle now. I chugged twice. I remember that heart ache he was feeling, just before he went on Taste of Chaos. I had him over and it was the first time I had seen him cry. I called him a faggot and to man up. I realized my mistake. It wasn't that easy. Before I knew what I was doing I had my phone out.
"What are you doing!" She was screaming, trying to grab it out of my hands. I dialed Alex. His answering machine picked up and I left a muffled message of something about us meeting up.
She fell down beside me and mumbled profanities.
"You should talk to him," I said.
"Shut up," she demanded. "That was the first time in four years, I heard his voice." She breathed. She missed him, I could tell.
My vision was starting to blur and my head ached a bit.
"Tell me about Adrian." I grunted. "How did you meet him?"
"Adrian, oh Adrian," she said that loosely. "I met Adrian at the beach. Tall, tanned, and muscular. A douche bag to most but a softy to me." Watched her smile. "He was gentle. I liked that about him. He could never hurt a fly. I thought I could ruin him too but I didn't. I chose not to and it changed my life. I gave in so easily, it scared me to death." Her words were slurring. "A lot of stuff happened between us. Good, bad, and ugly. Primarily ugly."
The next thing I knew, my hand was in her hair and I was kissing her. She screamed and shoved me off of her. "You fucking asshole. Here I was thinking you were cool, and different and you try to jump my bones. What, do you think I'm easy when I'm drunk? Nope, fuck you." She shot up and stormed out.
I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was lonely but I sure as hell didn't find her attractive. I needed to get laid. So I picked up my phone and dialed a number that I once said I would lose.
"Hey Amy," I slurred into the phone.
"It's Aly." She hissed.
"Well Aly baby, come over." I slammed down my phone when I got her pathetic answer.
"Ill be over in ten."
I stumbled over to the door, unlocked it and made my way into my room.
My eyes moved from wall to wall. An egg shell white with an off white trim. There were no photos. Photos were just a sadistic reminder of what my life was and is now. Only a few awards sat on the mantle and magnets scattered on the refrigerator. I liked to be alone. And I like to be sad. But I would like it more if I had her back in my life. But for now, I wallow. And I enjoy it because if I was normal, I would be insane. And only I would understand what that means. Maybe I'm mentally ill. It could be some genetic defect that skips generations.
"Well, are you going to be a gentleman and walk me to my car or what?" A voice interrupted my thoughts. Lilly stood about 5 foot 2, with her hands on well developed hips.
"I thought I was being a gentleman last night, letting you stay here and all." I opened the fridge and pulled out a water bottle. She was dressed up in her old clothes again. Her keys hanging between her painted black fingertips. I could see the small tattoo that was carved on her wrist. I couldn't read it but I liked the fact that it was there. I grabbed a coat. The Santa Ana's were arriving and I could see the palm trees swaying already. I followed her out the door and locked it behind me. Rows of cars were anchored on each side of the road. They protected us from on coming traffic.
"Your friends invited my friends to a bonfire tomorrow, well technically tonight. I'm not sure if you're okay with that. Especially after I yelled at you."
"I didn't take it personally Lilly." I watched her eyes film with a taste of desire as I said her name. I liked how I did that. "I think it would be cool if you came to the bonfire. I mean, since you don't know where it is, you can meet me at my house and ill drive." We rounded a corner to the underground parking. And I ended our journey there. "Be here around 6," I said before she could even answer. She turned and left. I was alone. Until 6. I didn't like her, I had no sexual attraction towards her either but I just needed a friend. Someone I didn't know who I could explain my insanity too. Maybe she would understand me. My walk back was soothing. The warm sun kissed my face and the strong wind danced through my hair. I missed this wind, it didn't come as often as I wanted.
I found myself in the shower. After I searched through my walk in closet. Half of it was empty, still. When she took her clothes and rows of shoes, I never did anything to it. I left it there and sometimes I sit and touch the small memories she left behind. I found her underwear one time. I touched myself to it right then. I looked at my side once more. I had everything a man could imagine yet I had nothing to wear. I settled on a T shirt and a pair of Levi's. I wanted to be comfortable so I saved the bow ties for a better night. I heard a soft knock on my door. Lilly stood before me in black tight jeans, a plain white t shirt, and a army green cropped jacket. Her choppy brown hair was pinned to the side and a pair of anchor earrings clung against her lobes. I smiled, a fake one at best, but at least it was a smile. She made her way inside my home and looked around.
"I brought this," she spoke. "I know I came a few hours early but I figured we could pre game a little bit." That sounded perfect. I took the bottle of whiskey from her hands and popped the cap off.
"She was never a fan of whiskey," I thought I I said this to my self but instead I spoke it verbally. "She liked wine if anything at all, and not even red wind. She liked white." Lilly didn't speak. It was like she knew I needed to tell her this. Like it was the most important piece of information in the entire world. "She hated when I drank. But I did it just to piss her off sometimes. Sometimes anger was the only emotion we shared between us." Lilly looked at me. I couldn't decipher her expression.
"Adrian and I," She began. I assumed Adrian was the one she just broke up with. She grabbed the bottle and took a seat on the tile floor of my kitchen. Her head rested against the cabinet below the sink. I rested against the dish washer. "We drank all the time. Matter of fact, he drank all the time." I gulped." He hated whiskey but he loved beer. He hated whiskey but he loved Gin. I acquired the taste because of him."
"Why did you break up with him?" I asked.
"Why did you break up with her?" I shook my head and grabbed the bottle. Pressing the glass to my lips and taking a good long swig.
"She broke up with me, remember?" I chirped. "She destroyed me."
"People don't destroy you, you destroy yourself. She led you to water like a horse but you didn't have to drink."
"I had to drink, I was dehydrated. She sucked every ounce of water from my body and I enjoyed every moment."
"You're fucked up." Lilly had the bottle now. "I'm fucked up too."
We sat in silence. For a very long time. We just drank and eventually I lit a cigarette.
"She hated when I smoked."
"Did she hate everything you do?"
"No, in the beginning she loved that I was in a band."
"Until you started to tour, I'm guessing."
"And she loved that I could defend her and protect her."
"By that you mean support her financially." Lilly smirked. The alcohol was talking now.
"You don't know anything." I said softly.
"I've been in your position before Zacky." She laughed light heartedly. "I was your "her" to someone else." I was intrigued.
"Before Adrian, I liked to destroy people. Destroy their personalities, their hobbies, and anything else they loved. I liked being that tornado that came and went in a whirlwind of destruction." I looked at her, she was staring at the ground. She wasn't proud. "I met this guy, Alex was his name. And he was in a band. I'm scared you'll know him, I remember being at a show and seeing your bands name plastered at the headliner. I went to high school with him, just for a year when I was bouncing around high schools. He remembered me when I saw him at a bar. We struck it off from there. I loved him, I really did but I wanted to make him hurt. I know I'm fucked. I know. I lead him on, I made him fall in love with an imposter. I took everything he loved and made it mine so now when he looked back upon it he thinks of me. I wanted that. I ripped his heart out, I fucking lied about cheating on him." I felt a resentment growing inside of me towards her but something was stopping me from judging. I was just as fucked up, like she said. "Everyday I wish I could apologize but I can't. I'm such a coward."
"Is this Alex Varkatzas?" I saw her stiffen.
"Yeah." I had the bottle now. I chugged twice. I remember that heart ache he was feeling, just before he went on Taste of Chaos. I had him over and it was the first time I had seen him cry. I called him a faggot and to man up. I realized my mistake. It wasn't that easy. Before I knew what I was doing I had my phone out.
"What are you doing!" She was screaming, trying to grab it out of my hands. I dialed Alex. His answering machine picked up and I left a muffled message of something about us meeting up.
She fell down beside me and mumbled profanities.
"You should talk to him," I said.
"Shut up," she demanded. "That was the first time in four years, I heard his voice." She breathed. She missed him, I could tell.
My vision was starting to blur and my head ached a bit.
"Tell me about Adrian." I grunted. "How did you meet him?"
"Adrian, oh Adrian," she said that loosely. "I met Adrian at the beach. Tall, tanned, and muscular. A douche bag to most but a softy to me." Watched her smile. "He was gentle. I liked that about him. He could never hurt a fly. I thought I could ruin him too but I didn't. I chose not to and it changed my life. I gave in so easily, it scared me to death." Her words were slurring. "A lot of stuff happened between us. Good, bad, and ugly. Primarily ugly."
The next thing I knew, my hand was in her hair and I was kissing her. She screamed and shoved me off of her. "You fucking asshole. Here I was thinking you were cool, and different and you try to jump my bones. What, do you think I'm easy when I'm drunk? Nope, fuck you." She shot up and stormed out.
I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was lonely but I sure as hell didn't find her attractive. I needed to get laid. So I picked up my phone and dialed a number that I once said I would lose.
"Hey Amy," I slurred into the phone.
"It's Aly." She hissed.
"Well Aly baby, come over." I slammed down my phone when I got her pathetic answer.
"Ill be over in ten."
I stumbled over to the door, unlocked it and made my way into my room.
1/23/13