Almost Lover
001.
"Why are you crying?" I remembered her hissing. The look in her eyes was so fierce and malicious I thought I would never again see the compassion I once fell in love with. "A real man never cries. You're not a man, you're a coward." Her words were like knives, twisting and deepening with every one spoken. It was like we were living in a burning building. We had ignored the smoke for so long that it finally began to choke the life out of us. So she up and left. Ran from the house before it collapsed beneath our feet. She left me alone in the devastation and debris, cleaning up the mess when the flames finally burned out. She walked away with barely even a scratch while my lungs burned perpetually and my skin was stained black.
Sometimes I wonder how I even made it through this. I don't even think pulling through now. I'm 27 not 16, I should be able to rebound fast but for the first time in my life, I was the one being dumped. Physically and mentally beaten down by the person that I called the love of my life but I wanted so badly for her to be undoubtedly distraught over me, missing me every moment. Sadness to me was addicting and I prayed to god every day that she tasted it just once. Maybe then she would be hooked. But again, I was the only one that sat alone in my empty home. The smoke still pluming around me as I lay in bed all day. Hopeless and heartless thoughts spilling from my head. It's just strange that I can think so consistently of the one I used to love but she breathes freely. My chest is always tight and my heart is always aching but because sadness is addictive, I couldn't bare to go through the withdrawals. When I lay in bed, like how I always was then, I can still smell her perfume lingering. And as I moved from the sheets to the hall, I could still see her hair pins and sometimes her old shirts lying around. But I don't move them because they're proof that she was once real. Real to me in a way that I could never grasp again, even if we crumbled in the end. I found myself in the kitchen. The white walls and huge bay windows looked upon the world like portals that I hadn't been through in days. I cringed at the sunlight that once was my friend and moved to pour myself a cup of coffee.
Number one boyfriend.
Everything in my house was a reminder, a constant memory of what my life once was. Including that stupid mug.
"Hi baby," My head turned slowly, my peripheral vision catching glance at the woman I once loved. My mind distorting a voice to something that once was so precious.
I didn't answer as I focused in on the stranger. She was dressed in her shirt. An extra-large Pantera shirt that I had given to her the first night she slept over. It was her after that; she never took it off when she slept. She said it reminded her of that perfect night we had spent together. I found it in the trash before our house went up in flames. But this stranger wore it now and she didn't look half as good as my love did.
"Make me a cup?" She snuggled her nose into my neck and wrapped her petite arms around my waist. I handed her my cup and pulled on a shirt that was so lustfully thrown on the floor from last night. "Baby?" She watched me with her eyes as I grabbed my keys and pulled on a coat.
"Take that shirt off, put your clothes on, and get out." I mumbled, opening the door, nonchalantly waiting. I looked at the sadness in her eyes, sadness was addictive, and she would soon find out. I watched the tears fill her eyes as she stumbled around, pulling on her jeans and tank top. I savored it and let the sadness she felt touch my tongue. She brushed past me, mumbling profanities. Her car roared to life and I waited till she was in the distance before locking the door.
My phone rang, "You're late asshole," Brian spat.
"I'm coming dick, I had to kick Amy? Ally? Whatever her name is out of my house." I stuck the keys in the ignition of my Lexus and took off towards Main St. I hated driving that damn road, always packed with shit heads and the always decent classic car. I don't know why I didn't walk in the first place. I found a parking meter, the only one open unfortunately near the police station and breathed. I let my head fall onto the steering wheel and closed my eyes. Another night of meaningless sex, another night of destroying girls that already had emotional damage. It was my only way to heal, if it was healing at all. I walked towards Fred's. Up the stairs, passing my hoards of young adults ready to drink. I wished I was as happy as they were.
"Hey, Zack!" I heard the feminine voice of my old friend. Val Sanders, as she was now, walked over to me, pushing past the crowded bar. "We're all on the patio, follow me!" The Mexican restaurant was surrounded with music that was already giving me a head ache. I needed a drink.
I met with all my band mates and their girlfriends before I took a seat and ordered a jack and coke along with a burrito.
A few hours into our outing at Fred's, a couple photos with some drunk fans and several drinks on my part later, I was already inebriated. "Dude, we need to get you a fucking girl," it was the same phrase they used almost every night. Matt grabbed Val's hand and nodded at Zack. "Dude, you need to get laid." Same one, different day.
"Someone hot and willing," Johnny piped up, "Someone like that girl!" The patio had a clear view of the entrance. A small girl with short choppy brown hair had her back toward me. Her group of friends all laughed as they sipped on their pre gaming drinks. She turned slowly. Her nose ring twinkled faintly in the burning sun. She had on extremely tight jean shorts with lace fringe and an Avenged Sevenfold shirt cut into a muscle T with the bottom tied up into a crop. She looked through me, not one thing in her green eyes gave away that she recognized me.
"Do it!" Jimmy grinned and chugged down his beer. "She'll bow down to you and maybe while you have her on her knees..."
I stood up; I had enough of their instigation and confidently walked up to her. The friends that surrounded her grew quiet.
"Hey," I drunkenly whispered in her ear, my hands innocently touching her waist. "I'm in that band you're supporting." I lifted the shirt barely enough to let my hands slide onto her hot skin. "If you want, we can get out of here and I can show you proof that I am." I wasn't even sure if the words that I was wanting to say we're actually coming out right. But before I could even grasp them, I felt her body twist like a rattle snake.
"You misogynistic pig," She growled. "You think you can come over here while I'm trying to have fun with my girlfriends and try to get me in bed with you? I'm not that easy buddy and just because I look like a groupie, wearing this stupid ass shirt, doesn't mean I act like one. Now get your head out of your ass and your foot out of your mouth. Come on girls, lets get out of here." Her rant had sobered me up just a bit and before I knew it, sheer embarrassment washed over me. What the hell was I thinking? That wasn't who I really was, I never disrespected women like that. Even though I had been doing it for months now. I followed her down the steps and down Main a block to Sharkeez. I slipped in unnoticed and met her at the bar.
"Did you not hear anything I said to you before loser?" She shook her head and waved the bartender over. "I'll have a Rum and Coke." She brushed her bangs out of her eyes and glanced over at her friends. They whispered in audibly to her and she turned to face me. "Why are you still here?"
"I'm just trying to apologize to you, I'm normally not that big of an asshole." I shook my head. "My friends were egging me on and I'm pretty drunk."
"Oh so you just do whatever your friends want you to do. If they told you to shit in the street, you would do it too?" She was feisty, her wit cut like glass and I liked it.
"It's not like that, I wa-"
"For god sakes Lilly just give it up and let him apologize." One of her friends shouted and took a swig of her drink.
"Yeah Lil, let the man buy you a drink and lets go hang out with his friends." A small blond one smiled. That smile reminded me of my one lover. I gulped and I had the urge to just hold her. Hold her with the passion that I wished so desperately to give to someone.
"You guys can go I’ll stay here."
"Yeah, stay here alone so some rapist can mistake you for the other hundreds of drunken college students and attack you." The brunette, whose name came clear to be Lilly, crossed her arms and sighed. Suddenly, her friends grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet.
"Show us the way dude!" A friend screamed with laughter and dragged her across the street.
Lilly's friends seem to get along perfectly with mine. Jimmy, of course, hitting on every single on of them. They all loved him too. I wished I could be as cheerful as him, even though most of the time I knew it was a facade too. This short haired spunky girl was throwing out line with Brian back and forth, the two meshing perfectly. I watched Michelle, his wife, loving the wrath Lilly was giving her husband. I jumped from the stool and made my way to the bar. I ordered just vodka on the rocks and returned to the table but before I reached my destination, Lilly caught me.
"You know," She breathed, "I don't even listen to your band." Her head titled back with a small laugh. "I just found this shirt in my little brother’s room and threw it on."
"Well, I like the honesty" I smiled and pressed the cold glass to my lips.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being such a feminist butch bitch." I laughed at her words; this woman was sharp as a fucking tack. I was intrigued. "Also, that you don't look at happy." I was startled. Did I really make it that noticeable? I preferred to sulk in private. "It's obvious you just got out of a relationship," she spoke quietly but in a busy place like Fred's, quiet was normal volume. "Want to take a walk?" She leaned close to me, giving me a small comforting smile. Her breath smelled like gin, a drink that surprise me and that was most likely speaking for her. I never drank gin out of fear.
I nodded and we left our drinks on an empty table and made our way down the stairs. Just across the street was the pier. The clouds began to roll in and the sun had already set. The subtle sound of the rolling waves meshed in the background of a dense wall of voices.
"I just broke up with my boyfriend," She spoke up as we made our way down the pier. "Three years." She nodded.
"Wow," I stared at her. Three years was a long time and she seemed so composed. "Mine only lasted a year and a half."
"And you're this fucked up?" Lilly laughed. How did she know?
"I'm not fucked up," I argued.
"Please, Zack, Zacky-"
"Zack,"
"Anyways, please Zacky, I can see it in your eyes. You look tired and beat up and you try to fuck the sadness right out of you. I know your kind; I've dated exactly three of you. You can't handle break ups if you aren't behind the breaking. This was probably the first time a girl left you, huh?"
"Don't sit here and judge me," I was pissed off because she could see right through me. I wasn't as complex as I thought and I was angry. I'm a closed book but this bitch just opened me right up. "You don't know shit about me." I stopped dead in my tracks and grabbed her arm.
"Calm your ass down and take your hand off of me." She ripped her arm from my hand and took a step back. "You're just mad because I'm on point. You can't handle that you're not the only one suffering exactly like you. You don't think I've been through heart ache? Well fuck you if you think that. I've probably lived through more sadness and hell than your scrawny ass has seen in a year and a half. I can judge you, but you can never judge me Mr. Rockstar." She stormed off. She drunkenly stumbled over an exposed screw and feel to her knees.
I made my way over as she struggled to get up. "I don't need your help," she hissed and shoved me away from her. Lilly's knee was bleeding and her elbow was hardly scratched. "I just need to find my car keys," she patted her pockets but I grabbed her arm.
"You're not driving, you're hammered. Especially after drinking Gin. That will get you a DUI right off the bat." I grabbed her arm once more and led her down Main Street. She never protested.
We walked past Hawleywoods and a few restaurants, passing a park till we finally reached my home. I led her inside, she was being quiet. Like the calm before a storm. I remembered that uneasy feeling.
We had just come back from a black and white party at Matt's house. I drank too much for her but in reality I just had three beers. But they again, she never drank at all. "You're acting stupid." She said flatly. "I told you I didn't want you to drink and you went against me." Her arms were crossed and her mouth was tight but all I wanted to do was take that pretty black sequined dress off her perfectly curved body. "You aren't even listening to me now," she groaned and kicked off her white pumps. She turned her back to me and let me zip her dress down. No bra, I thought to myself, and licked my lips.
Just in her underwear, she faced me. I thought she was going to move my hands to her breast like she normal did but she remained stone like. "You never listen to me," she whispered, "you're fucking destroying me." Her voice rose. "All you do is fucking drink and party and play music. You're always on tour. Why can't I come first sometimes? That's all I want but you will never see that! God damn is Zacky," she shoved me against the wall and stormed past. "Listen to me, love me, be with me, that's all I want! The simple things from a relationship but you have no sense. Do you even love me?" Of course I do, I wanted to scream it from the roof tops. But I said nothing. "I'm okay." She whispered to herself and shut the bedroom door behind her. I waited. I watched a recorded Angel’s game and drank two bottles of water. I let the dogs inside and grabbed a blanket. That's when the door creaked open. She had a bag in her hand. "I'm going to my sisters." She spoke and left without kissing me goodbye. Looking back now, I realized she wasn't going to her sisters.
I looked at Lilly as she sat on the couch. It all seemed too familiar. I watched her as she stood up suddenly and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting. I sat and listened. When she finished I brought her in to my bedroom, gave her some old pajamas of mine and took my place on the couch.
In some ways it felt nice that there was a woman sleeping in my bed again. Sleeping not getting fucked. It soothed me and helped me get to a sleep I hadn't fallen into in months.
Sometimes I wonder how I even made it through this. I don't even think pulling through now. I'm 27 not 16, I should be able to rebound fast but for the first time in my life, I was the one being dumped. Physically and mentally beaten down by the person that I called the love of my life but I wanted so badly for her to be undoubtedly distraught over me, missing me every moment. Sadness to me was addicting and I prayed to god every day that she tasted it just once. Maybe then she would be hooked. But again, I was the only one that sat alone in my empty home. The smoke still pluming around me as I lay in bed all day. Hopeless and heartless thoughts spilling from my head. It's just strange that I can think so consistently of the one I used to love but she breathes freely. My chest is always tight and my heart is always aching but because sadness is addictive, I couldn't bare to go through the withdrawals. When I lay in bed, like how I always was then, I can still smell her perfume lingering. And as I moved from the sheets to the hall, I could still see her hair pins and sometimes her old shirts lying around. But I don't move them because they're proof that she was once real. Real to me in a way that I could never grasp again, even if we crumbled in the end. I found myself in the kitchen. The white walls and huge bay windows looked upon the world like portals that I hadn't been through in days. I cringed at the sunlight that once was my friend and moved to pour myself a cup of coffee.
Number one boyfriend.
Everything in my house was a reminder, a constant memory of what my life once was. Including that stupid mug.
"Hi baby," My head turned slowly, my peripheral vision catching glance at the woman I once loved. My mind distorting a voice to something that once was so precious.
I didn't answer as I focused in on the stranger. She was dressed in her shirt. An extra-large Pantera shirt that I had given to her the first night she slept over. It was her after that; she never took it off when she slept. She said it reminded her of that perfect night we had spent together. I found it in the trash before our house went up in flames. But this stranger wore it now and she didn't look half as good as my love did.
"Make me a cup?" She snuggled her nose into my neck and wrapped her petite arms around my waist. I handed her my cup and pulled on a shirt that was so lustfully thrown on the floor from last night. "Baby?" She watched me with her eyes as I grabbed my keys and pulled on a coat.
"Take that shirt off, put your clothes on, and get out." I mumbled, opening the door, nonchalantly waiting. I looked at the sadness in her eyes, sadness was addictive, and she would soon find out. I watched the tears fill her eyes as she stumbled around, pulling on her jeans and tank top. I savored it and let the sadness she felt touch my tongue. She brushed past me, mumbling profanities. Her car roared to life and I waited till she was in the distance before locking the door.
My phone rang, "You're late asshole," Brian spat.
"I'm coming dick, I had to kick Amy? Ally? Whatever her name is out of my house." I stuck the keys in the ignition of my Lexus and took off towards Main St. I hated driving that damn road, always packed with shit heads and the always decent classic car. I don't know why I didn't walk in the first place. I found a parking meter, the only one open unfortunately near the police station and breathed. I let my head fall onto the steering wheel and closed my eyes. Another night of meaningless sex, another night of destroying girls that already had emotional damage. It was my only way to heal, if it was healing at all. I walked towards Fred's. Up the stairs, passing my hoards of young adults ready to drink. I wished I was as happy as they were.
"Hey, Zack!" I heard the feminine voice of my old friend. Val Sanders, as she was now, walked over to me, pushing past the crowded bar. "We're all on the patio, follow me!" The Mexican restaurant was surrounded with music that was already giving me a head ache. I needed a drink.
I met with all my band mates and their girlfriends before I took a seat and ordered a jack and coke along with a burrito.
A few hours into our outing at Fred's, a couple photos with some drunk fans and several drinks on my part later, I was already inebriated. "Dude, we need to get you a fucking girl," it was the same phrase they used almost every night. Matt grabbed Val's hand and nodded at Zack. "Dude, you need to get laid." Same one, different day.
"Someone hot and willing," Johnny piped up, "Someone like that girl!" The patio had a clear view of the entrance. A small girl with short choppy brown hair had her back toward me. Her group of friends all laughed as they sipped on their pre gaming drinks. She turned slowly. Her nose ring twinkled faintly in the burning sun. She had on extremely tight jean shorts with lace fringe and an Avenged Sevenfold shirt cut into a muscle T with the bottom tied up into a crop. She looked through me, not one thing in her green eyes gave away that she recognized me.
"Do it!" Jimmy grinned and chugged down his beer. "She'll bow down to you and maybe while you have her on her knees..."
I stood up; I had enough of their instigation and confidently walked up to her. The friends that surrounded her grew quiet.
"Hey," I drunkenly whispered in her ear, my hands innocently touching her waist. "I'm in that band you're supporting." I lifted the shirt barely enough to let my hands slide onto her hot skin. "If you want, we can get out of here and I can show you proof that I am." I wasn't even sure if the words that I was wanting to say we're actually coming out right. But before I could even grasp them, I felt her body twist like a rattle snake.
"You misogynistic pig," She growled. "You think you can come over here while I'm trying to have fun with my girlfriends and try to get me in bed with you? I'm not that easy buddy and just because I look like a groupie, wearing this stupid ass shirt, doesn't mean I act like one. Now get your head out of your ass and your foot out of your mouth. Come on girls, lets get out of here." Her rant had sobered me up just a bit and before I knew it, sheer embarrassment washed over me. What the hell was I thinking? That wasn't who I really was, I never disrespected women like that. Even though I had been doing it for months now. I followed her down the steps and down Main a block to Sharkeez. I slipped in unnoticed and met her at the bar.
"Did you not hear anything I said to you before loser?" She shook her head and waved the bartender over. "I'll have a Rum and Coke." She brushed her bangs out of her eyes and glanced over at her friends. They whispered in audibly to her and she turned to face me. "Why are you still here?"
"I'm just trying to apologize to you, I'm normally not that big of an asshole." I shook my head. "My friends were egging me on and I'm pretty drunk."
"Oh so you just do whatever your friends want you to do. If they told you to shit in the street, you would do it too?" She was feisty, her wit cut like glass and I liked it.
"It's not like that, I wa-"
"For god sakes Lilly just give it up and let him apologize." One of her friends shouted and took a swig of her drink.
"Yeah Lil, let the man buy you a drink and lets go hang out with his friends." A small blond one smiled. That smile reminded me of my one lover. I gulped and I had the urge to just hold her. Hold her with the passion that I wished so desperately to give to someone.
"You guys can go I’ll stay here."
"Yeah, stay here alone so some rapist can mistake you for the other hundreds of drunken college students and attack you." The brunette, whose name came clear to be Lilly, crossed her arms and sighed. Suddenly, her friends grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet.
"Show us the way dude!" A friend screamed with laughter and dragged her across the street.
Lilly's friends seem to get along perfectly with mine. Jimmy, of course, hitting on every single on of them. They all loved him too. I wished I could be as cheerful as him, even though most of the time I knew it was a facade too. This short haired spunky girl was throwing out line with Brian back and forth, the two meshing perfectly. I watched Michelle, his wife, loving the wrath Lilly was giving her husband. I jumped from the stool and made my way to the bar. I ordered just vodka on the rocks and returned to the table but before I reached my destination, Lilly caught me.
"You know," She breathed, "I don't even listen to your band." Her head titled back with a small laugh. "I just found this shirt in my little brother’s room and threw it on."
"Well, I like the honesty" I smiled and pressed the cold glass to my lips.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being such a feminist butch bitch." I laughed at her words; this woman was sharp as a fucking tack. I was intrigued. "Also, that you don't look at happy." I was startled. Did I really make it that noticeable? I preferred to sulk in private. "It's obvious you just got out of a relationship," she spoke quietly but in a busy place like Fred's, quiet was normal volume. "Want to take a walk?" She leaned close to me, giving me a small comforting smile. Her breath smelled like gin, a drink that surprise me and that was most likely speaking for her. I never drank gin out of fear.
I nodded and we left our drinks on an empty table and made our way down the stairs. Just across the street was the pier. The clouds began to roll in and the sun had already set. The subtle sound of the rolling waves meshed in the background of a dense wall of voices.
"I just broke up with my boyfriend," She spoke up as we made our way down the pier. "Three years." She nodded.
"Wow," I stared at her. Three years was a long time and she seemed so composed. "Mine only lasted a year and a half."
"And you're this fucked up?" Lilly laughed. How did she know?
"I'm not fucked up," I argued.
"Please, Zack, Zacky-"
"Zack,"
"Anyways, please Zacky, I can see it in your eyes. You look tired and beat up and you try to fuck the sadness right out of you. I know your kind; I've dated exactly three of you. You can't handle break ups if you aren't behind the breaking. This was probably the first time a girl left you, huh?"
"Don't sit here and judge me," I was pissed off because she could see right through me. I wasn't as complex as I thought and I was angry. I'm a closed book but this bitch just opened me right up. "You don't know shit about me." I stopped dead in my tracks and grabbed her arm.
"Calm your ass down and take your hand off of me." She ripped her arm from my hand and took a step back. "You're just mad because I'm on point. You can't handle that you're not the only one suffering exactly like you. You don't think I've been through heart ache? Well fuck you if you think that. I've probably lived through more sadness and hell than your scrawny ass has seen in a year and a half. I can judge you, but you can never judge me Mr. Rockstar." She stormed off. She drunkenly stumbled over an exposed screw and feel to her knees.
I made my way over as she struggled to get up. "I don't need your help," she hissed and shoved me away from her. Lilly's knee was bleeding and her elbow was hardly scratched. "I just need to find my car keys," she patted her pockets but I grabbed her arm.
"You're not driving, you're hammered. Especially after drinking Gin. That will get you a DUI right off the bat." I grabbed her arm once more and led her down Main Street. She never protested.
We walked past Hawleywoods and a few restaurants, passing a park till we finally reached my home. I led her inside, she was being quiet. Like the calm before a storm. I remembered that uneasy feeling.
We had just come back from a black and white party at Matt's house. I drank too much for her but in reality I just had three beers. But they again, she never drank at all. "You're acting stupid." She said flatly. "I told you I didn't want you to drink and you went against me." Her arms were crossed and her mouth was tight but all I wanted to do was take that pretty black sequined dress off her perfectly curved body. "You aren't even listening to me now," she groaned and kicked off her white pumps. She turned her back to me and let me zip her dress down. No bra, I thought to myself, and licked my lips.
Just in her underwear, she faced me. I thought she was going to move my hands to her breast like she normal did but she remained stone like. "You never listen to me," she whispered, "you're fucking destroying me." Her voice rose. "All you do is fucking drink and party and play music. You're always on tour. Why can't I come first sometimes? That's all I want but you will never see that! God damn is Zacky," she shoved me against the wall and stormed past. "Listen to me, love me, be with me, that's all I want! The simple things from a relationship but you have no sense. Do you even love me?" Of course I do, I wanted to scream it from the roof tops. But I said nothing. "I'm okay." She whispered to herself and shut the bedroom door behind her. I waited. I watched a recorded Angel’s game and drank two bottles of water. I let the dogs inside and grabbed a blanket. That's when the door creaked open. She had a bag in her hand. "I'm going to my sisters." She spoke and left without kissing me goodbye. Looking back now, I realized she wasn't going to her sisters.
I looked at Lilly as she sat on the couch. It all seemed too familiar. I watched her as she stood up suddenly and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting. I sat and listened. When she finished I brought her in to my bedroom, gave her some old pajamas of mine and took my place on the couch.
In some ways it felt nice that there was a woman sleeping in my bed again. Sleeping not getting fucked. It soothed me and helped me get to a sleep I hadn't fallen into in months.
1/23/13