Almost Lover
003.
It had been one week since I tried to have sex with Lilly. The next morning the guys gave me flack for not showing up to the bonfire and I unfortunately had to tell them what happened.
I was staring out the window of the studio we were recording at. It wasn't a pretty view. Just a few industrial buildings and a busy street. Everyone seemed to glamorize Huntington Beach, making it seem like it's only Main Street. It wasn't and sometimes parts of it were even shittier than Santa Ana. But it was my home and I would be here till I died.
"Hey Faggot," Johnny greeted me. His hair was a mess and a cigarette hung from his pink lips. "I talked to Lilly's friend Katrina, that slutty blond one, she said Lilly's pretty pissed off at you still."
"Dude, why are we even bothering with these fucking people? I mean we met them once and now were like best friends forever or some shit." I jumped and made my way over to the ripped up couch. It was comfortable, was more comfortable that the leather one I bought with her. She liked to spend my money and maybe Lilly was right when she said that financially supportive comment. But I didn't like to think bad of her, she loved me with every ounce of her soul and I loved her likewise. Even if sometimes it did hurt.
"Maybe if you paid more attention to your surroundings instead of living in that little head of yours, you would realize Jimmy is trying to get with one of them. After his last girlfriend fucked him over, we figured we would help him get on his feet and rebound with someone nice. They're good people, just stop pissing off Lilly. She's a fire cracker." I looked over at the sound booth, Jimmy was pounding away on his drums. He was like the baby of the group. Not age but rather maturity level. He was what kept us going and having fun and he was the one who prevented me from falling off the edge. I remembered that moment. It was burned inside my brain and played like a movie reel every so often. It was late at night. I stepped of a plane at LAX and I was home within an hour. The door was unlocked. It made me nervous, so I slipped in silently and grabbed a bat that lay near the couch. I called out her name. No answer. My head was fluttering with so many sadistic thoughts. I felt my muscles tighten as I brought the bat to my shoulder. I checked each room, until I reached mine. It was empty. Some furniture was missing, drawers were open, and the closet door was slammed shut. I immediately knew. Each fucked up thought in my head became an even more fucked up reality. All my belongings were in place but hers were missing. I was running, sweat pouring down my face. I reached the closet and one half was empty. A small note was left on the floor. I took a seat and read it.
"You ruined me." I cried. I called Jimmy and he was over within minutes.
I found my way outside. The sky was a perfect shade of blue and only a few clouds lingered. I watched each passing car, I wondered where they were going. I missed the feeling of leaving. How you uncontrollably miss the places and people you leave behind. How you, at the moment, gets left behind too. You'll never be that way again. This moment, right now, will never be felt because tomorrow when you're long gone, you'll experience knew things. And when you come home, you're a different person. That's what I miss.
I got her phone number from Jimmy's friend. So I texted her impulsively.
"Wanna get out of town for the day?" I needed this. Especially with her, she wouldn't judge. She was a silent observer.
"I'll meet you at your house in an hour." I knew she needed it too.
I didn't know where we were going yet but I had some ideas. San Diego maybe, Los Angeles? She pulled her silver Honda Civic into my drive way and I watched her walk up. She had on a dress. I liked when girls wore dresses. It was had half sleeves that cascaded down to a skin tight top, then from just above her belly button, it flowed into a skater skirt ruffle. It was navy blue with white stripes. She looked like a sailor.
I grabbed my keys and met her at the door. We didn't say a word as we walked to my Lexus. She got in the passenger side and I started up the car.
"Where to?"
She contemplated this for a while.
"I would say we can see where I grew up but I don't want to go to that suburban shit hole," She laughed. I asked her where she grew up. It wasn't a shit hole at all. Twenty minutes in from Laguna Beach and that's where she spent her childhood. I thought about it. But it didn't seem right, not now at least. So I pulled out of the drive way and headed straight towards the 5 freeway.
"San Diego," I said. "I've been wanting to go to the Zoo again."
"Ahh," Lilly smiled. "I have so many good memories in San Diego."
The car ride was silent most of the way. If you could imagine the length it took from Huntington Beach to San Clemente. I kept my eyes on the road, as she played with the radio. Suddenly Trying to Find a Balance by Atmosphere came on. I looked at her, she smiled. She pulled her knees to her chest and I didn't even care that her now bare feet were on my leather seats. I rolled down the windows and pulled open the sun roof. The day was bright, I could feel my shoulders burning pink. I watched her brown hair dance in the wind, her hand was out the window dancing too. I inhaled. The ocean that dragged along side of us rolled for miles. It's crystal clear body reflected the intense sun. It smiled down at us.
She picked up her phone and changed the song. This time Iration began pouring from my speakers. I didn't take her as that type, matter of fact I didn't even know what I took her as in general. She was a mystery and I acted like I knew her already. The reality was, she was a complete stranger. A smile crept on her lips as she sang along with the words and her head rested almost out the window.
I turned down the stereo and looked at her. "What do you listen to Lilly?" I asked. Her hair was still blowing in the wind.
"This," she smiled. "The Dirty Heads, Sublime with Bradley Though. I'm an Orange County girl all the way." She chuckled. "I listen to pretty much everything, I like The Stokes, Led Zeppelin, Cream. Also, Atmosphere, City and Colour, you name it, I like it."
I looked her up and down. Her dress slipped barely over her underwear as she sat. Her sun kissed thighs were lean like a runners. I licked my lips. But I didn't find her attractive.
We passed through Carlsbad and Oceanside and then Del Mar. Pretty soon, after while, we were in The Gaslamp District. I parked near Petco Park and we both got out.
"I wanted to grab a bite to eat before." I spoke. She nodded and followed me. We hit the concrete and after almost an hour of walking, we reached The Strip Club. She didn't even think twice as I told her where we were headed. I just wanted a damn good steak.
We reached the restaurant and she looked at the menu outside. She grimaced. I watched her take out her wallet from her purse. There was about 100 dollars in twenties. I pushed her hand down and smiled.
"You said you have memories here, maybe I'm not the best person to be choosing where we go." She smiled gratefully and took my hand. I didn't flinch, I felt nothing as her fingers laced with mine. I don't think she did either. Our hands didn't heat up.
We walked past a tattoo shop. I looked inside for a moment, it didn't look bad. We kept walking till we reached a small building with a huge Virgin Mary painted on the side. The doors opened up and inside, skateboards were pinned on the walls and hand painted. Murals were painted and the lighting was dim. A guy with plugs and a full beard greeted us. I felt comfortable but a little grungy. I took her to a seat and looked at the menu. Pokez was the name of the place and I ordered a burrito and a beer. The same guy came back a few minutes later and handed us our plates. We ate in silence.
"I eat here every time I'm in San Diego. I've hung out with Jason a couple times and I've always got a place to stay with him down here. If he was here, we would eat for free."
I looked around. She was so unusual. She fit in a place like this so easily but if I saw her in Malibu on a surf board I wouldn't think twice.
"Tell me about yourself Lilly." I said softly as I watched her sip her Horchata.
"Well..." She started. "Orange County born and raised." The hoop in her nose glinted in the sun. "You know where I grew up. I had a couple phases throughout high school and junior high. The worst years of my life. I was goth and hardcore, scene when it was cool. I rocked the solid emo cut with colored hair and weird piercings. I went to community college then transferred to Cal State Fullerton."
"Major?" I asked.
"I was undecided for a long time," she laughed, "Then I realized I wanted to own my own business. So this bitch is a business major."
I couldn't help but laugh as we dumped our trash and made our way back to the car.
"I'm not sure what I want to own yet, but all I know is I want to be my own boss. Maybe I want to own my own publishing company or hell, even a frozen yogurt place." I smiled at her.
Next thing I knew we were at the Zoo. We walked to buy the tickets and I pushed her hand down once more as she grabbed out her wallet. I paid for the tickets.
She smiled at me and said thank you. "Ill buy you a snack," Lilly smiled and pulled my hand towards the snow cone booth. She got a snow cone, I got one too. The sun was hot and it was melting the ice as soon as we got it. I could feel the blue liquid pour down my hands. We walked over to the Fennec Foxes. She squealed with excitement as one popped its head up. "If I could own it, I would cuddle the shit out of that!" She was screaming and normally I would be embarrassed by the scene she was causing but I couldn't help but laugh. She was acting cute. Her sailor dress bounced as her body did and I could see the white lacy boy shorts that barely covered her fit bottom. She was a runner, she had to be, with an ass like that, I thought. I grabbed her hand. And dragged her to the ant eaters. They were slow. We sat on a rock and watched. Her head tilted to the side as we talked amongst each other. She was telling me about her family and the odd dynamic they lived in. I wasn't listening though, I was thinking. I thought about how I missed days like this. Matter of fact, I couldn't remember the last time I had one. Her and I never went to places like this. We never had childish fun. I watched the Anteater move slowly across its cage. They reminded me of our relationship. We would go out to eat consistently, to the nicest restaurants. I was used to that now so eating somewhere in her definition of "cheap" was a new experience. I glanced at Lilly. She smiled once more and me and shaded her eyes from the sun. Her pearly white teeth gleamed and it was contagious.
We walked past each and every animal. The jaguar being the most intense one there. "He reminds me of my cat," she grinned as she pushed her self as close as she could go. "My cats name is Oliver, he's the Anti-Christ but I love him. You'll have to meet him, he's like my child. I mean, I know you have dogs but you'll like him. He's like a pug." She was rambling but I didn't mind, she was just excited.
I liked this feeling, it was bubbly and nice, but maybe it was just the heat. Pretty soon, Lilly and I were sitting on a bench. Her legs were pressed against mine and I could feel the moisture between the two of us. She almost rested her head on my shoulder that is until she heard his voice.
"Zack!" Her body stiffened.
I turned to see Alex Varkatzas with a girl on his arm walking towards me. I don't think he recognized her at first. She said her hair was long when she dated him. She said she liberated her self of that relationship when she cut it all off.
As he moved closer, I saw his face contort and he was looking for an escape. He didn't get one.
"Hey man," I smiled and gave him a hug. Lilly couldn't even move, her mouth was gapped open. "Hi beautiful," I smiled at the girl he was holding. I shook her hand and smiled back at Alex, my old friend.
"Hello Lilly Anne." He spoke, his voice was sour. Lilly Anne, I thought.
"Hi Alex," her voice was meek. His girl looked between the two.
"I'm assuming you know each other." Andie was her name.
"We're all old friends."
"Yup." Lilly's gaze was on the floor. I could see her eyes clouding over with tears. "How are you Alex?" I felt so uncomfortable with all this tension between us. I slipped my arm over her shoulder.
"You know how I am Lilly." I knew how he was. I was him.
"Hey, look Alex. Man, were gonna get going, it's getting dark and we want to get on the road." I saw him cringe at my arm around her shoulder. I squeezed her tighter, I'm not sure why. "It was nice meeting you Andie." I waved and pushed Lilly off. At this point she was completely crying. I didn't know how to make her feel better.
"You know what always cheers me up?" I spoke quickly. "Taking a long walk on the pier." She was sobbing and I knew what I was going to do. I opened the car door and helped her inside. She was sniffling and crying and trying to hide her bleeding mascara.
"Once you've found the path to destruction, it's hard to find a different route." She whispered. The cool breeze of the dark night in Huntington brushed past her skin. The rubys at the end of the pier was against their backs as they stared out into the darkness.
"I loved him so much, he made me feel so special. My fucked up childhood just had to creep into my love life." I ran my hand down her back lovingly and leaned against the gate.
"I remember being nine years old and coming to the realization that my dad was cheating on my mom." I didn't let my hand leave her. "I just remember them screaming and screaming that night. I walked into their bedroom and I just heard a loud smack. I ran to my moms side and wiped her bloody nose with my shirt. I can still vividly picture my dads face. It was so violent and distorted, I could barely even recognize him. He just treated her like shit consistently yet my mom would follow him like a puppy. Every time after that, if she caught him cheating again, we would move. I went to different high schools all four years. Yorba Linda, Irvine, Costa Mesa, then finally I graduated in Huntington. It was pretty screwed up, I didn't make any friends while I was there and I took it upon myself to become hard. I didn't let anyone treat me like shit and if I thought they would, I would treat them like shit first. That's what I did with Alex. I assumed he would cheat on me while he was on tour so I destroyed him. I remember the night we broke up and I screamed at him that I cheated. I never did but since he was going to I might as well. I've never hurt anyone that bad. I guess I've just took it upon myself to hurt them instead of me. I told you about Adrian right?" She was almost crying again, they people next to us were beginning to stare. "He was perfect too, he completely changed me. He took care of me and was so nurturing. He taught me so many different things in life but in the end he was exactly the same as everyone else in my life." I saw her inhale deeply. She pulled up her dress to show my a small tattoo just below her hip.
Strength.
"We got into a fight because I saw him checking out another girl. My paranoia was inching its was in. We were screaming in his car outside of a bar. He kept on saying that he would never cheat on me, that I was crazy and I shouldn't be so fucked up in the head. I just remember snapping, I slapped him cross the face and went to hit him more but he grabbed my hand." I grew tense. I was so nervous hearing her explain and I couldn't imagine actually being there. "I hit him again and he twisted my arm back. Of course I had to challenge him. I thought I was on the same level as him and that I could handle anything. I was stupid. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and slammed my head into the dashboard. I tried to fight him but he just kept hitting me and hitting me, calling me as many names in the book as you can think of. He shoved me out of the car and I walked home with blood pouring down my face." I could barely even think straight. I was angry and growing even more livid as I pictured it. She was so helpless and I needed to hold her. "I egged him on. I shouldn't have done that. I started hitting him first."
"Never fucking say that," I nearly shouted. "He had no right to severely beat you like that. No man should ever touch a woman like that no matter what, Lilly." I pulled her into my arms and squeezed. She was crying once again but soon pulled away.
"But I got over it," She whispered. "Moved on and live my life normally now. I got rid of every memory that I had of him, physically and mentally. I got a few tattoos to remember that moment and I learned to have fun again. That's something you need to do." She looked at me. I let go of her and stepped back.
"You don't understand that I love her Lilly, and she loves me and one day she's going to come back to me. I can't get rid of her. "
"But she's gotten rid of you Zacky." She said softly. She didn't know anything. She doesn't even know what happened.
"No she hasn't," I was getting angry. "She just hasn't realized yet." Lilly shook her head and began walking away.
"It was a nice day today Zacky, thank you for it." She waved to me. I watched her as she disappeared into the city lights.
I eventually found my way back home and the silver Honda Civic was gone. I crashed onto my bed and sighed.
I should be with her in my bed, my fingers playing with her blond hair. I would be smelling her sweet perfume and palming at her warm thighs under the covers. I was tempted to call her, just to hear her voicemail. But this deep dark yearning in me made me do things I regret. I laid down on the bed and rested my hands under my head. I missed every inch of the woman's body, every inch of her soul.
I was staring out the window of the studio we were recording at. It wasn't a pretty view. Just a few industrial buildings and a busy street. Everyone seemed to glamorize Huntington Beach, making it seem like it's only Main Street. It wasn't and sometimes parts of it were even shittier than Santa Ana. But it was my home and I would be here till I died.
"Hey Faggot," Johnny greeted me. His hair was a mess and a cigarette hung from his pink lips. "I talked to Lilly's friend Katrina, that slutty blond one, she said Lilly's pretty pissed off at you still."
"Dude, why are we even bothering with these fucking people? I mean we met them once and now were like best friends forever or some shit." I jumped and made my way over to the ripped up couch. It was comfortable, was more comfortable that the leather one I bought with her. She liked to spend my money and maybe Lilly was right when she said that financially supportive comment. But I didn't like to think bad of her, she loved me with every ounce of her soul and I loved her likewise. Even if sometimes it did hurt.
"Maybe if you paid more attention to your surroundings instead of living in that little head of yours, you would realize Jimmy is trying to get with one of them. After his last girlfriend fucked him over, we figured we would help him get on his feet and rebound with someone nice. They're good people, just stop pissing off Lilly. She's a fire cracker." I looked over at the sound booth, Jimmy was pounding away on his drums. He was like the baby of the group. Not age but rather maturity level. He was what kept us going and having fun and he was the one who prevented me from falling off the edge. I remembered that moment. It was burned inside my brain and played like a movie reel every so often. It was late at night. I stepped of a plane at LAX and I was home within an hour. The door was unlocked. It made me nervous, so I slipped in silently and grabbed a bat that lay near the couch. I called out her name. No answer. My head was fluttering with so many sadistic thoughts. I felt my muscles tighten as I brought the bat to my shoulder. I checked each room, until I reached mine. It was empty. Some furniture was missing, drawers were open, and the closet door was slammed shut. I immediately knew. Each fucked up thought in my head became an even more fucked up reality. All my belongings were in place but hers were missing. I was running, sweat pouring down my face. I reached the closet and one half was empty. A small note was left on the floor. I took a seat and read it.
"You ruined me." I cried. I called Jimmy and he was over within minutes.
I found my way outside. The sky was a perfect shade of blue and only a few clouds lingered. I watched each passing car, I wondered where they were going. I missed the feeling of leaving. How you uncontrollably miss the places and people you leave behind. How you, at the moment, gets left behind too. You'll never be that way again. This moment, right now, will never be felt because tomorrow when you're long gone, you'll experience knew things. And when you come home, you're a different person. That's what I miss.
I got her phone number from Jimmy's friend. So I texted her impulsively.
"Wanna get out of town for the day?" I needed this. Especially with her, she wouldn't judge. She was a silent observer.
"I'll meet you at your house in an hour." I knew she needed it too.
I didn't know where we were going yet but I had some ideas. San Diego maybe, Los Angeles? She pulled her silver Honda Civic into my drive way and I watched her walk up. She had on a dress. I liked when girls wore dresses. It was had half sleeves that cascaded down to a skin tight top, then from just above her belly button, it flowed into a skater skirt ruffle. It was navy blue with white stripes. She looked like a sailor.
I grabbed my keys and met her at the door. We didn't say a word as we walked to my Lexus. She got in the passenger side and I started up the car.
"Where to?"
She contemplated this for a while.
"I would say we can see where I grew up but I don't want to go to that suburban shit hole," She laughed. I asked her where she grew up. It wasn't a shit hole at all. Twenty minutes in from Laguna Beach and that's where she spent her childhood. I thought about it. But it didn't seem right, not now at least. So I pulled out of the drive way and headed straight towards the 5 freeway.
"San Diego," I said. "I've been wanting to go to the Zoo again."
"Ahh," Lilly smiled. "I have so many good memories in San Diego."
The car ride was silent most of the way. If you could imagine the length it took from Huntington Beach to San Clemente. I kept my eyes on the road, as she played with the radio. Suddenly Trying to Find a Balance by Atmosphere came on. I looked at her, she smiled. She pulled her knees to her chest and I didn't even care that her now bare feet were on my leather seats. I rolled down the windows and pulled open the sun roof. The day was bright, I could feel my shoulders burning pink. I watched her brown hair dance in the wind, her hand was out the window dancing too. I inhaled. The ocean that dragged along side of us rolled for miles. It's crystal clear body reflected the intense sun. It smiled down at us.
She picked up her phone and changed the song. This time Iration began pouring from my speakers. I didn't take her as that type, matter of fact I didn't even know what I took her as in general. She was a mystery and I acted like I knew her already. The reality was, she was a complete stranger. A smile crept on her lips as she sang along with the words and her head rested almost out the window.
I turned down the stereo and looked at her. "What do you listen to Lilly?" I asked. Her hair was still blowing in the wind.
"This," she smiled. "The Dirty Heads, Sublime with Bradley Though. I'm an Orange County girl all the way." She chuckled. "I listen to pretty much everything, I like The Stokes, Led Zeppelin, Cream. Also, Atmosphere, City and Colour, you name it, I like it."
I looked her up and down. Her dress slipped barely over her underwear as she sat. Her sun kissed thighs were lean like a runners. I licked my lips. But I didn't find her attractive.
We passed through Carlsbad and Oceanside and then Del Mar. Pretty soon, after while, we were in The Gaslamp District. I parked near Petco Park and we both got out.
"I wanted to grab a bite to eat before." I spoke. She nodded and followed me. We hit the concrete and after almost an hour of walking, we reached The Strip Club. She didn't even think twice as I told her where we were headed. I just wanted a damn good steak.
We reached the restaurant and she looked at the menu outside. She grimaced. I watched her take out her wallet from her purse. There was about 100 dollars in twenties. I pushed her hand down and smiled.
"You said you have memories here, maybe I'm not the best person to be choosing where we go." She smiled gratefully and took my hand. I didn't flinch, I felt nothing as her fingers laced with mine. I don't think she did either. Our hands didn't heat up.
We walked past a tattoo shop. I looked inside for a moment, it didn't look bad. We kept walking till we reached a small building with a huge Virgin Mary painted on the side. The doors opened up and inside, skateboards were pinned on the walls and hand painted. Murals were painted and the lighting was dim. A guy with plugs and a full beard greeted us. I felt comfortable but a little grungy. I took her to a seat and looked at the menu. Pokez was the name of the place and I ordered a burrito and a beer. The same guy came back a few minutes later and handed us our plates. We ate in silence.
"I eat here every time I'm in San Diego. I've hung out with Jason a couple times and I've always got a place to stay with him down here. If he was here, we would eat for free."
I looked around. She was so unusual. She fit in a place like this so easily but if I saw her in Malibu on a surf board I wouldn't think twice.
"Tell me about yourself Lilly." I said softly as I watched her sip her Horchata.
"Well..." She started. "Orange County born and raised." The hoop in her nose glinted in the sun. "You know where I grew up. I had a couple phases throughout high school and junior high. The worst years of my life. I was goth and hardcore, scene when it was cool. I rocked the solid emo cut with colored hair and weird piercings. I went to community college then transferred to Cal State Fullerton."
"Major?" I asked.
"I was undecided for a long time," she laughed, "Then I realized I wanted to own my own business. So this bitch is a business major."
I couldn't help but laugh as we dumped our trash and made our way back to the car.
"I'm not sure what I want to own yet, but all I know is I want to be my own boss. Maybe I want to own my own publishing company or hell, even a frozen yogurt place." I smiled at her.
Next thing I knew we were at the Zoo. We walked to buy the tickets and I pushed her hand down once more as she grabbed out her wallet. I paid for the tickets.
She smiled at me and said thank you. "Ill buy you a snack," Lilly smiled and pulled my hand towards the snow cone booth. She got a snow cone, I got one too. The sun was hot and it was melting the ice as soon as we got it. I could feel the blue liquid pour down my hands. We walked over to the Fennec Foxes. She squealed with excitement as one popped its head up. "If I could own it, I would cuddle the shit out of that!" She was screaming and normally I would be embarrassed by the scene she was causing but I couldn't help but laugh. She was acting cute. Her sailor dress bounced as her body did and I could see the white lacy boy shorts that barely covered her fit bottom. She was a runner, she had to be, with an ass like that, I thought. I grabbed her hand. And dragged her to the ant eaters. They were slow. We sat on a rock and watched. Her head tilted to the side as we talked amongst each other. She was telling me about her family and the odd dynamic they lived in. I wasn't listening though, I was thinking. I thought about how I missed days like this. Matter of fact, I couldn't remember the last time I had one. Her and I never went to places like this. We never had childish fun. I watched the Anteater move slowly across its cage. They reminded me of our relationship. We would go out to eat consistently, to the nicest restaurants. I was used to that now so eating somewhere in her definition of "cheap" was a new experience. I glanced at Lilly. She smiled once more and me and shaded her eyes from the sun. Her pearly white teeth gleamed and it was contagious.
We walked past each and every animal. The jaguar being the most intense one there. "He reminds me of my cat," she grinned as she pushed her self as close as she could go. "My cats name is Oliver, he's the Anti-Christ but I love him. You'll have to meet him, he's like my child. I mean, I know you have dogs but you'll like him. He's like a pug." She was rambling but I didn't mind, she was just excited.
I liked this feeling, it was bubbly and nice, but maybe it was just the heat. Pretty soon, Lilly and I were sitting on a bench. Her legs were pressed against mine and I could feel the moisture between the two of us. She almost rested her head on my shoulder that is until she heard his voice.
"Zack!" Her body stiffened.
I turned to see Alex Varkatzas with a girl on his arm walking towards me. I don't think he recognized her at first. She said her hair was long when she dated him. She said she liberated her self of that relationship when she cut it all off.
As he moved closer, I saw his face contort and he was looking for an escape. He didn't get one.
"Hey man," I smiled and gave him a hug. Lilly couldn't even move, her mouth was gapped open. "Hi beautiful," I smiled at the girl he was holding. I shook her hand and smiled back at Alex, my old friend.
"Hello Lilly Anne." He spoke, his voice was sour. Lilly Anne, I thought.
"Hi Alex," her voice was meek. His girl looked between the two.
"I'm assuming you know each other." Andie was her name.
"We're all old friends."
"Yup." Lilly's gaze was on the floor. I could see her eyes clouding over with tears. "How are you Alex?" I felt so uncomfortable with all this tension between us. I slipped my arm over her shoulder.
"You know how I am Lilly." I knew how he was. I was him.
"Hey, look Alex. Man, were gonna get going, it's getting dark and we want to get on the road." I saw him cringe at my arm around her shoulder. I squeezed her tighter, I'm not sure why. "It was nice meeting you Andie." I waved and pushed Lilly off. At this point she was completely crying. I didn't know how to make her feel better.
"You know what always cheers me up?" I spoke quickly. "Taking a long walk on the pier." She was sobbing and I knew what I was going to do. I opened the car door and helped her inside. She was sniffling and crying and trying to hide her bleeding mascara.
"Once you've found the path to destruction, it's hard to find a different route." She whispered. The cool breeze of the dark night in Huntington brushed past her skin. The rubys at the end of the pier was against their backs as they stared out into the darkness.
"I loved him so much, he made me feel so special. My fucked up childhood just had to creep into my love life." I ran my hand down her back lovingly and leaned against the gate.
"I remember being nine years old and coming to the realization that my dad was cheating on my mom." I didn't let my hand leave her. "I just remember them screaming and screaming that night. I walked into their bedroom and I just heard a loud smack. I ran to my moms side and wiped her bloody nose with my shirt. I can still vividly picture my dads face. It was so violent and distorted, I could barely even recognize him. He just treated her like shit consistently yet my mom would follow him like a puppy. Every time after that, if she caught him cheating again, we would move. I went to different high schools all four years. Yorba Linda, Irvine, Costa Mesa, then finally I graduated in Huntington. It was pretty screwed up, I didn't make any friends while I was there and I took it upon myself to become hard. I didn't let anyone treat me like shit and if I thought they would, I would treat them like shit first. That's what I did with Alex. I assumed he would cheat on me while he was on tour so I destroyed him. I remember the night we broke up and I screamed at him that I cheated. I never did but since he was going to I might as well. I've never hurt anyone that bad. I guess I've just took it upon myself to hurt them instead of me. I told you about Adrian right?" She was almost crying again, they people next to us were beginning to stare. "He was perfect too, he completely changed me. He took care of me and was so nurturing. He taught me so many different things in life but in the end he was exactly the same as everyone else in my life." I saw her inhale deeply. She pulled up her dress to show my a small tattoo just below her hip.
Strength.
"We got into a fight because I saw him checking out another girl. My paranoia was inching its was in. We were screaming in his car outside of a bar. He kept on saying that he would never cheat on me, that I was crazy and I shouldn't be so fucked up in the head. I just remember snapping, I slapped him cross the face and went to hit him more but he grabbed my hand." I grew tense. I was so nervous hearing her explain and I couldn't imagine actually being there. "I hit him again and he twisted my arm back. Of course I had to challenge him. I thought I was on the same level as him and that I could handle anything. I was stupid. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and slammed my head into the dashboard. I tried to fight him but he just kept hitting me and hitting me, calling me as many names in the book as you can think of. He shoved me out of the car and I walked home with blood pouring down my face." I could barely even think straight. I was angry and growing even more livid as I pictured it. She was so helpless and I needed to hold her. "I egged him on. I shouldn't have done that. I started hitting him first."
"Never fucking say that," I nearly shouted. "He had no right to severely beat you like that. No man should ever touch a woman like that no matter what, Lilly." I pulled her into my arms and squeezed. She was crying once again but soon pulled away.
"But I got over it," She whispered. "Moved on and live my life normally now. I got rid of every memory that I had of him, physically and mentally. I got a few tattoos to remember that moment and I learned to have fun again. That's something you need to do." She looked at me. I let go of her and stepped back.
"You don't understand that I love her Lilly, and she loves me and one day she's going to come back to me. I can't get rid of her. "
"But she's gotten rid of you Zacky." She said softly. She didn't know anything. She doesn't even know what happened.
"No she hasn't," I was getting angry. "She just hasn't realized yet." Lilly shook her head and began walking away.
"It was a nice day today Zacky, thank you for it." She waved to me. I watched her as she disappeared into the city lights.
I eventually found my way back home and the silver Honda Civic was gone. I crashed onto my bed and sighed.
I should be with her in my bed, my fingers playing with her blond hair. I would be smelling her sweet perfume and palming at her warm thighs under the covers. I was tempted to call her, just to hear her voicemail. But this deep dark yearning in me made me do things I regret. I laid down on the bed and rested my hands under my head. I missed every inch of the woman's body, every inch of her soul.
1/23/13