At the borderline obsessive knocking on your door you peeked out the eye hole of your mountain of blankets, one eye scanning the destroyed room in the back of the quiet bus that you were temporarily claiming as your own.

“Kales!” a male voice spoke loudly from outside the locked door after the knocking ceased.

You mumbled something into the folds of blankets around you, swirled around your body like haphazard soft serve ice cream, knowing full well it wasn’t going to be heard by the disembodied voice. And apparently you were right because the incessant, obsessive knocking started all over again.

“Kales!” the voice shouted again, this time louder and crankier sounding.

“Whaaat?” you shouted, audible now to the person outside your door.

“You need to hit the shower because the stink is starting to waft out into the rest of the bus. And then you need to go do your job,” the voice said with the tone of command only your brother would use on you.

You blinked your crusted eyes and looked over at the alarm clock, it only flashed the time, no help at all. Falling over un-dramatically you grumbled as you wiggled your way to the side table where your phone was sitting, plugged into it’s charger but off. A pale hand snuck out and you unplugged your phone and brought it inside your cocoon all in one swift motion. Tucking your head inside the darkness you flipped open your phone and almost hissed at the brightness of the back light glow as it hit your pupils.

“Fuck!” you grumbled in a half shout when you saw when it was.

You had been tucked away a whole twenty-four hours or so more than you had thought. You had wasted a day away holed up in the dark dank room since Jimmy had dragged back your exhausted only semiconscious body to the tour bus and had gently tucked you into the bed. You had woken up the next day neatly undressed and redressed in pajamas and tucked away under layers of blankets and sheets. And then you had curled up in said blankets and sheets, wrapping them around your body and head and had withdrawn. You had cried, you had rocked back and forth, and you had only locked the door after the first three or so inquisitive knocks wondering how you were doing. You hadn’t moved, you hadn’t done anything and you had lost track of space and time completely it seemed.

Slowly and not so surely you bent and picked up what you needed to shower, feeling more like a zombie or a robot than a human being. Items gathered you unlocked the door and headed out into the main area of the bus, eyes squinting at the awful lights damaging your sensitive eyes. As your eyes adjusted you scanned the contents of the bus, nobody was around, not even the driver Steven. Sighing gratefully you made your way to the bus bathroom, not even caring if there was no hot water. The pipes groaned a bit when you cranked on the water, twisting it all the way to the farthest red but they sputtered and gushed out the glorious water. As steam rose and fogged the mirror you stared at your disappearing reflection until you could only see a blurry, skin toned humanoid shaped form. You had seen eyes that had looked overly bloodshot and haunted, and hair that had hung in ragged pieces limply around your face. Sighing you turned and stepped into the scalding hot water, hoping to scour away all traces of anything and everything.

By the time you stepped out you knew you had probably wasted all the hot water the bus had but felt no guilt as there were showers at the venue and a hotel stop was soon if you recalled. Feeling semi decent you sighed when you looked down at the parboiled red skin of your arms and rest of your body from scrubbing a millions layers of skin off. Shaking your head a little you wrapped yourself in a towel and headed back towards your temporary room in the back, thankful for not having to deal with bunks at the moment. You rifled through your luggage and finally settled on a pair of super tight, one step away from body paint, medium denim blue jeans with scuffs on the knees from age that you had to wiggle into. You wrapped a beat up brown leather belt around your waist that fastened with a very large silver belt buckle that your brother had given you years back. You slipped your feet into your old brown cowboy boots, the jeans so tight they could only get tucked inside the boot. Then you proceeded to walk around with nothing but a bra on top as you couldn’t figure out what shirt to wear.

“Now that short stuff will guarantee your brothers quick fire anger. But I on the other hand find it a sexy outfit indeed, work it!” you heard a familiar voice whistle behind you.

You simply flipped Johnny off over your shoulder as you continued searching for a top to wear.

“You know kid that comment can be taken in two different ways. Either I could think you want my ass, or that you suddenly went gay. Gay I can deal with. You wanting my ass on the other hand I might have you committed for,” you commented as you found the shirt you were looking for and slipped it on over your chocolate brown bra.

Turning around you caught sight of Johnny leaning against the doorway into the back room that had become yours temporarily, arms crossed across his chest. You leered at him as you adjusted the tied strings across the back of your cut up chocolate brown shirt, untangling them all so they’d hang correctly. Shirt on you looked around to find something else to go with your outfit as it just didn’t feel right as it was now.

“Here, wear this,” Johnny said right before tossing something at your face.

Catching the projectile you looked down at it to see what it was and smiled.

“Your straw cowboy hat? Are you sure?” you asked in a pleased voice as you ran your hands over the familiar texture.

You had all gone out to a “Western” shop one of the times they had visited years ago, playing around with over sized belt buckles, ridiculous cowboy boots, chaps and ten gallon hats. It had been a laugh riot, trying to see who could come up with the most ridiculous outfit. You had been the one to find the hat now held in your hands and had given it to Johnny that day to try on. He had fallen in love with it and had worn it ever since, the brim and top long since broken and melded into the shape he liked best. No one ever wore it, let alone touched it.

“Well ya see here pretty little lady,” Johnny drawled in his best stereotyped southern cowboy accent as he sauntered on over to you, thumbs tucked in his jeans pockets.

You grinned at Johnny’s ridiculousness, hat still held in your hands as he stopped in front of you and fake spit into an imaginary spittoon somewhere nearby. You grinned even more as he took the hat from your hands.

“I think this here old hat of mine would look darn tootin amazin' on your little ol’ head. Now don’t you fret yourself none, cause I have it on good authority that you’re the gentlest gal around. Too gentle sometimes in fact,” Johnny drawled as he placed the hat on your head, the last part sans his crazy accent as he held the hat on and then dropped his hands to cup your face.

“Too gentle by a long shot,” he whispered softly as he tucked hair behind your ears.

You simply stood there and stared into his eyes, you knew what he was trying to tell you without so many words. Tears came to the corners of your eyes, threatening to break and leak trails down your cheeks. You didn’t think anyone knew much of what had gone on, let alone what you felt like.

“I’ll be fine,” you sniffed as you wiped your nose on the back of your hand.

“Uh okay, eww gross,” Johnny winced as he made a gagging sound and mimed vomiting.

You simply raised an eyebrow at his sanity and wiped your nose again for good measure and then made to wipe it off on him. You cracked a little smile as Johnny danced out of the way of your bogey infested hand and then laughed, and even squealed, when he grabbed it and made to lick it. He had done his job; you laughed and you sensed that was a good part of why he had come to find you. There may have been a closer bond with others in the band growing up, but you and Johnny had always had something special, something different. Johnny eventually stopped his horsing around to look you in the face, all playfulness temporarily gone from his eyes and his demeanor.

“You know I don’t believe you Kales,” Johnny said sincerely as he adjusted the hat once more on your head and tucked hair behind your ears.

“I promise. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’m better already and can only get better right?” you asked in mock happiness, the grin you had on your face starting to hurt from being forced.

But you had to, you had to make them think you were doing okay. Because they couldn’t understand what it was like. How it felt to completely die inside. And the last thing you wanted was their questions.

“No one can bounce back from something like this whole Kales Mae, not even Gandhi,” Johnny retorted, a look brewing in his eyes you needed to squelch.

“I’m right as rain,” you said with a cocky quip to your voice.

“And twice as unpredictable. I know, I know,” Johnny finished for you.

“You know me too well,” you teased as you winked and tapped Johnny’s nose .

Johnny wrinkled his nose a moment.

“It’s true, I do know you too well. Not as well as some others, but pretty damn much inside and at least around the outside. And that’s why I know you’re lying Kales Mae,” Johnny replied with a soft look on his face as he in return tapped your nose, causing you to wrinkle it like he had done.

“I’m not a saint Johnny,” you sighed, hoping he’d catch your meaning.

“And thank god for that! If you were we’d probably have to disown your ass! Now go drop jaws, take names and break hearts short stuff!” Johnny said, ending exuberantly as he slapped your ass for good measure.

You knew a dismissal when you saw one and were grateful he had given you an easy out, even if he did call you short stuff. Glaring at him as you rubbed your ass you started to walk down the bus hallway, pausing long enough to grab your few items off the table.

“And Kales,” you heard Johnny yell down at you, causing you to pause and turn to look at him.

“Sinner or no, you know I still love you. And I’d avoid the arena tonight if I were you!” he shouted with a grin and a wave.

You nodded your head once before blowing him a kiss and sauntering out of the quiet bus and out into the fresh air. Taking a moment to pause and collect your inner turmoil you slid your cell phone and credit card into one of your front pockets, clipped your pass to your belt loop and lit a cigarette before slipping the slim silver cigarette case and lighter into a back pocket. Exhaling slowly you went in search of a distraction.

Notes

Go Johnny, go Johnny!!!