You had followed Jeph until he had stopped next to a picnic table a distance off from the loud crazy hectic-ness of the tour. It was lit softly with one tall lamp but just shadowed enough that the venue and parking lot looked like Vegas at midnight. You ashed the lit cigarette that was stuck between your fingers and exhaled as Jeph motioned for you to sit beside him on the table top. Silently you took the offered spot and sat smoking your cigarette in silence till he said the first word, he had wanted this talk after all so it was his job to start it.

“Kales,” Jeph started then stopped, bringing his hands out in front of him, arms braced on his knees and fingers twining and un-twining.

You just turned and looked at him silently, keeping the world all cool and calm as far as your outward appearance went.

“I don’t wanna fight Kales. God I just don’t have it in me to fight anymore. And that seems to be all we do now. We fight and then we fuck like rabbits to make it go away,” Jeph let out in a breath.

It was funny how not only you but Jimmy as well had come to the same conclusion and now Jeph was sitting here telling it to you. It almost made you want to laugh and then break into tears from the sheer awfulness of it all.

“I know I love you Kales, and we had a really good stint together. Probably the best months of my life, and for a while there I was convinced that this would have been forever. But it’s not, I can feel it. I still love you Kales, just not in the way you deserve, not in the way I know you need even though you won’t admit it to anyone. We’re too perfect Kales, like way too perfect. That type of perfect that screams of plastic and fake smiles, pictures posed and roasts cooked. And love isn’t like that, at least it shouldn’t be. Love should be messy and crazy, it should be confusing, ups and downs. It should be covered in A1 sauce and chunks of watermelon,” Jeph explained, still staring at his twining and un-twining fingers.

“But what are we but crazy and messy. There’s been plenty of food fights if I remember correctly,” you spoke for the first time since he had brought you over.

“Not for a long time Kales, not for a long time. And a bit before tour started too. You’ve got to have seen it, or at least felt it,” Jeph sighed as he turned his head to look at you.

You met his gaze and just held it for a moment or more, just staring into his eyes and memorizing what they looked like before nodding your head yes silently. And with that the two of you turned and stared back out at the venue which was loudly going about life even without you there. You just sat and stared. It seemed as if Jeph couldn’t find any more words at the moment and you sure as hell didn’t have any. Things were clicking in place very slowly, things were making sense and Jimmy’s words were replaying back and forth through your head. And even though you knew he had spoken the truth back then when he had said them it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“And there’s this girl Kales,” Jeph whispered so soft you almost missed it.

And with that everything fell into place almost so suddenly it would have made an audible click if it hadn’t been inside your head. The reason it had rankled you so much. Not just the girl herself, nor just Jeph with the girl. It had been because they had looked so happy and comfortable together. It had been seeing them so light hearted and carefree around one another, something you and him hadn’t been in a long time. There was no frenzied grasping and tearing of clothes off and neither was there any screaming. Just simple walking and talking side by side. Smiling and putting flowers behind her ear. There was just laughing.

“Because you laugh like you’re going to take on the world together,” you said slowly as things dawned on you.

You didn’t look at Jeph right when he had swung his head around at lightning speed to look at you when you spoke. You continued to stare out at the busy night for a while before turning to look at Jeph.

“How, how did you?” Jeph stuttered.

You closed your eyes and sighed, turning to watch the music mayhem ahead of you before speaking.

“The other day after the green goo incident. I heard you guys before I saw you, I heard you laughing so carefree and lighted hearted. And then I heard a female laughing beside you the same way, a female that wasn’t me and I think part of it clicked into place then. My anger at seeing you two, watching you put a flower behind her ear was part cover up and part was not,” you explained as if explaining with him not there.

It was easier to pretend that this was a practice speech, done in front of the bathroom mirror and that he wasn’t sitting beside you on a picnic table breaking up with you.

“Yeah the day I caught you with Baker. What were you,” Jeph started to snarl but you cut him off.

“No,” you barked but quietly, just stern enough to get him to stop.

“We’re no longer dating, we’re no longer best friends so I don’t have to answer to you for anything. I don’t have to let you know what’s going on with my life if I don’t want to,” you rattled off as fast as you could.

“Kales I’m not,” Jeph started to plead.

“Yes, yes you are Jeph. You’re just too nice to come out and say it. We don’t make each other happy anymore and things have been less than perfect in our relationship for a long time. You need to be happy. I need to be happy. And apparently we can’t be that when we’re together. So this is it, we’re done from here on out,” you said from your standing position in front of Jeph and between him and the venue.

“Will you be okay? Will you be able to,” Jeph asked, hinting and miming finding someone else.

No matter how poorly done it was, you caught his drift.

“Maybe. But I don’t have to tell you anymore as we’re not best friends anymore. We’re still friends, but nothing more. In time maybe. But right now if I want to lie to you I can. So just go,” you said directly, pointing him the way of the venue.

“Kales,” Jeph said pleadingly as he stood and made to move towards the building.

“Just go Jeph. Go before I lose my control, go before I lose anything and everything,” you said flatly, not looking him in the eye.

“Still friends?” Jeph asked, now standing between you and the venue.

“Friends,” you said quickly with a nod of your head.

“Promise me you’ll find someone to make you happy again Kales,” Jeph shouted now a few feet away from you.

“I will,” you said with a fake smile.

“You’re lying Kales Mae,” Jeph said in a know it all voice.

“And I told you I could lie to you now if I wanted to,” you said before turning your back and walking the two or so steps to the picnic table.

You crawled up on to the table top and sat leaning forward, your elbows resting on your knees and lit another cigarette. You sat there staring out into the space above the noise and the lights of tour just smoking, watching the smoke curl around visages of stars. It was long after Jeph had made it back that the first tear fell down your face, dove off your chin and hit the old paint chipped picnic bench. It was soon followed by a second and then a third, then a fourth and then so on and so forth until you lost track as the tears became a flood. You just sat there and wept on the picnic table, remembering every so often to take a drag till you couldn’t even do that any more. You just sat there staring straight forward, unable to see anything at all through the waterfall, and cried.

It wasn’t until you had transferred your head into your hands, elbows still on your knees, that you finally made noise. It was something like a wounded animal you surmised later, it was guttural, snot filled and came from the very bottom of your soul. It wasn’t overly loud but it contained every ounce of your feeling. And it was during your keening that you felt an arm wrap around your shoulders. You sniffled loudly and looked up to see who had found you.

“Heyla girlie,” your rescuer said as he pushed sticky hair off your face and wiped the pools of tears off your cheeks.

“Jimmy? How’d you find me?” you asked, trying to pull yourself together amidst your sniffles.

“You’ll not believe me when I tell you it was actually Zacky that noticed you were M.I.A. and said I might want to go looking for you. Which I did to no avail. And then when I came across Jeph I knew. I went to ask him where you were but I didn’t get that far, he just pointed away from the venue and I knew to follow his direction. And so here I am, your giant human shaped tissue,” Jimmy said with a small smile as he continued to wipe hair off your face.

You just sat there for a moment as he cleaned you up and then ruined all his work by burying yourself into his chest and coming to pieces all over again.

“Shh, shh,” Jimmy whispered as he stroked the back of your head and started to rock you.

“God Jimmy he’s gone, he’s really really gone,” you sobbed ungracefully into his now gross long sleeved long john shirt.

“I know babe, I know,” Jimmy said soothingly as he rocked you and let you cry it all out.

And let it out you did.

Notes

Oh I want a giant Jimmy shaped tissue!
And so Jeph and Kales are no more.
Hooray?