2 days later;
Leaving the hospital.
I walk out into the scorching sun of Santa Monica. The heat hits me like a bullet train, being used to the cool air of the grim building behind me. I slide my RayBans over my eyes and walk to my Charger that my best friend has brought to me. She hops out of the driver’s seat and runs up to me, gripping me tightly.
“God I’m so glad you’re out!” she says, a shimmering tear rolling down her cheek.
“Don’t cry baby girl, I’m okay now.” I smile and hug her tightly.
She smiles and opens the passenger door for me as I slide in and we drive away from this godforsaken place.
Christina is my best friend, has been since we were born, and always will be. Her mom, Katrina, was best friends with my mom growing up. They both had me and Christina a week apart, her being older, and we’re inseparable. Jimmy, oddly enough, is her cousin.
“God, I hate hospitals. And I hate these fucking bandages.” I mumble to Christina, casually tearing the bandages off. I’d rather have scars showing than gaudy bandages. I open my glove box and grab my L&M menthols out and light one up.
“You really need to quit those things, your voice is going to be shot by the time you’re 21.”
“I know, hell, we’re all going to die someday. Why not enjoy the shit you like?”
“You are so cryptic.” She laughs and smacks my leg lightly. “So how was the visit from the five baboons?”
“Oh god, I went off on Zacky. I feel kind of bad but I don’t give a shit. He brought it upon himself, like they just fucking showed up out of nowhere. No warning, nothing. I was happy to see Jimmy though. And my god, Brian and Matt, ugh they got so much hotter. Like, I can’t even believe it.” Christina lets out a loud laugh and shakes her head.
“You’ve always thought they were hot so it’s no surprise. You know, Brian and Michelle broke up for good right? He caught her cheating again and found out she’s been stealing money from him. Kicked that bitch out and threw all her stuff in the yard.”
“Oh shit! What a slut, man. I’m not surprised.” I take a final drag and flick my butt out the window and roll it up. “So, I want you to come to Huntington with me.”
“Wait, for real?”
“Yes. I mean, I know I’ll have Jimmy, but I need you too C,” I sigh and kick my feet up on the dash, “I just… I don’t know. I’m going to need a lot of help.” She reaches over and grabs my hand.
“Okay, I have nothing in Santa Monica anyways. I’ll definitely come!” she smiles a pearly white grin at me and squeezes my hand gently. I smile back and lay my head back.
When we arrive back home, I see a black murdered out Escalade parked in the driveway.
“Who is that?” I question, than I see a death bat on the back windshield and immediately make the connection.
She parks next to them and I see Matt on the front porch smoking, sporting his infamous Aviators. Once I get out, he notices me, and immediately runs to me, scooping me up into a giant hug. I grip onto his neck and wrap my legs around him so I don’t fall. I feel so tiny in his arms, considering how much of a giant he is.
“God I missed you so much, you have no idea how happy I am that you’re okay baby girl.” I sniffle and wipe my eyes as he lets me down slowly and grabs my face on either side, looking me in the eyes. Man, his eyes are perfect. “Please don’t ever fucking do that again. Don’t ever scare me like that. For real, Cody, we need you here. I need you here. I love you baby girl, don’t ever forget that.” He lets his hands fall and grab mine and gently rubs the scars and shakes his head. “Stop this. You’re too damn beautiful to do this to yourself, even if that thing tells you to do it, remember me, and don’t do it.”
“I love you Matt, I’m sorry.” I hug him tightly and softly sob.

“Shh, it’s okay.” He hugs me tighter, and I hear the door open. I let go and wipe my eyes. I see the rest of the guys come out.
I let go of Matt and immediately latch onto Zacky tightly.
“I’m so sorry, I really am. I love you. I love you so much.” I cry a little harder.
“Stop your crying, it’s alright I’m not mad. At all. Look at me,” I look up at him and see his eyes watering up, “Do not EVER do this again, no matter what. Come to us, talk to us, cry on our shoulders. You may not have thought it, but we are here for you and we do love you. I love you with all my heart. Now stop your crying and come inside with us and be happy” He smiles a full toothed grin.
“Okay.” I smile and follow the guys inside to the living room. I flop down on the couch, sprawling out and letting out a giant groan. “God I love this couch.”
“We can tell. Now move your lazy ass over so others can sit. And by others I mean me.” Jimmy smacks my legs and I lift them up, setting them on top of his lap as he sits down.
As time starts to pass, I get the feeling of being left out. The guys are conversing with each other and Christina about different topics I had no idea about, so my input has been very slim. When Jimmy finally gets up from his seat, I get up also. No one says a word or really even notices my movement, being so engrossed in conversation.
‘See, they don’t care. They didn’t even notice you left the room’ he says as I make my way up the stairs towards my bedroom. Once inside, I quietly shut the door and take in the scene. Bare walls, nothing on the shelves, and nothing in the room except my bed. I sigh and sit myself on the edge and look down at the deep gashes that decorate my wrist and forearm.
‘You’re pathetic! Why am I even with a piece if shit like you?! I can do so much fucking better. You’re nothing but a good fuck. I can’t even handle your crazy roller coaster of emotions anymore! No wonder everyone has left you, and doesn’t give a shit if you die. Go one bitch, kill yourself and do us all a fucking favor.’ Alex yells, finishing his rant and storms out of my room, and out of my life. Everyone leaves me, I see it now. Maybe I would be better off dead…
The memory of a few short days ago, still so very vivid, runs through my mind.
The memory of my two year long relationship crumbling into ashes.
The guy I gave everything to walking right out the door like it was nothing. Maybe it was nothing after all, maybe I was nothing but a good fuck.
I stumbled into the bathroom and looked in my cabinet through clouded eyes, letting each waterfall of a teardrop stream down my face. I grab my razor, my vice, and look down at my wrists. With a smooth, effortless drag, I watch the red liquid start to flow.
And then another drag, just a little deeper.
And another, until finally I lost count, each getting deeper, longer and wider.
Both arms, skin barely visible, covered in dripping rivers of red.
I see my pain killers in the cabinet, calling out my name. 13 left. 13 valiums.
I take them all.
Each pill, slowly erasing every memory, slowly bringing me closer to the light.
The floor is covered in red, the sink and counter top as well. I feel weak, I feel dizzy.
‘Yes, go to the light. Get me out of your worthless head once and for all. No one needs you here, no wants you alive. Finish yourself off bitch, one more drag.’ The voice yells at me.
He’s right.
I hear voices, yelling of my name, faint in the distance of my mind.
One more drag, the blade glides swiftly across my wrist.
The door flings open, screaming, yelling, someone’s grabbing me.
It’s black, and cold.
I feel peace. I feel freedom. I see the light, and I accept it with open arms.
Numbness. At last. No more voice, no more Alex, no more making peoples lives hell.
Blackness. Finally.
I snap out of the dream, and realize I’m standing in the bathroom. I open my cabinet, and there, gleaming in the light, is a blade. I look down at my arm and see all the scattered gashes, and I notice there’s still some blood on the floor someone missed.
I feel a presence behind me in the doorway and I sigh, “Why did someone have to find me? Why couldn’t y’all just let me be?” I turn around with tear filled eyes and see Brian leaning against the archway.
“Because we love you,”
“Stop fucking saying that.”
“Cody, when we say that, we mean it. Unlike Alex, you actually mean something to us whether you want to believe it or not.”
“I just... I wish it could’ve been over with finally. I just want it all to stop,” I throw the blade in the trash and walk past Brian back to my bed and sit. “I’m sick of being crazy, being pathetic, and getting treated like shit. I thought me and Alex had something. I loved him, I thought he loved me. And of course, like always, I get fucked over and left alone. I wasted two years on him, and he was able to walk away from it all like it was nothing. When he found out what happened, you want to know what he did? Laughed. He laughed. He text me, and said I wish they wouldn’t have found you. If you died finally, the world would be a better place. Like, what the hell have I done with my life to make people hate me so damn much?!”
“He said that?” Brian said, shocked. I nodded, “He’s fucking dead.”
“No Brian don’t do anything for real. Just let it be. I don’t want anything else happening.”
All he did was nod. But I can tell that he is contemplating in his head how he should kill Alex.
“We should go back downstairs, I’m done in here.”
And with this we leave.
“Hey Cody, your phone keeps ringing, but we don’t know where it is. So, could you so kindly shut it the fuck off, cause hearing that twangy country shit over and over again is very annoying.” Jimmy says right when I enter the room, adding a smirk at the end knowing I hate when he bashes on my country music.
“Um, actually, that twangy country shit happens to be Luke Bryan and he’s my husband so shut the fuck up.” My phone goes off again, Country Girl Shake It For Me blasting through the small speakers, smothered in the depths of the couch. I dig around until I feel the smooth of the screen hit my hand. “Gotcha you little shit.” I mumble, fishing the blue Galaxy out. My heart sinks when I see the name on the screen and I’m pretty sure all the color drained from my face. Bria peers over my shoulder and instantly grabs my phone.
“No Brian stop!” but before I can grab it back, he’s already answered and storms out of the room.
“Who was it?” Matt questions.
“Alex.” Silence.
In the not so far distance of the back porch, we can hear Brian borderline screaming on the phone at Alex. I start for the kitchen to head out the back door, Matt and Jimmy trying to follow, but I hold up my finger telling them to wait, and I continue. Once at the back door, I see Brian with his head in his hands, leaning on the railing, looking out onto the ocean.
“Everything alright?” I say gently as I slip out the back.
“I cannot believe that fucker. He swears up and down that he was calling to apologize, but the second he heard my voice he tried to be all big and fucking bad, I swear Cody, I’m gonna kill him. What he just said to me about you… he’s fucking dead.” I walk up behind Brian and slowly rub his back. He’s trembling from anger.
“Calm down, please. You know I hate when you get this mad.”
“I know, I’m sorry, I just can’t believe what a low life that boy is. You deserved so much better than him baby girl. If I was in his spot, you’d have the world. I’d treat you like a queen and not even think twice about it,” he turns and faces me and brings his left hand up to my face and carefully rubs his thumb on my cheek. “Every girl in the world would be jealous of you and what you would have,” he seems to have something snap in his eyes, and his hand quickly drops. “But, of course, that’s just figuratively speaking. Oh, hears your phone back. Alex shouldn’t be contacting you anytime soon. And if he does, you just let me speak to him again.”
I take my phone out of his hand as he looks back out into the ocean, slowly burning red and orange by the sunset. The sunsets in California are my favorite thing about living out here.
I’m not sure how long we sat on the back porch and stared out at the beauty, but I wasn’t complaining.
Eventually, I caught myself slowly drifting into a light slumber, leaning my head on Brian’s shoulder as we swung back and forth on the porch swing. He let out a slight chuckle and lifted his arm up and wrapped it around me, pulling me closer into him. I took a deep breath and sighed, letting myself curl into him and drift into a peaceful sleep.
I sure could get used to this.