Light.
Bright, shining light.
My hand goes up to my eyes to shield them from the blazing sun.
I’m standing in a field, surrounded by wild flowers on either side.
I feel happy, even in the heat of the midday sun.
I feel at peace.
I catch a glimpse of my arm and I gasp, no scars, no anything. Just my lightly freckled covered olive skin.
“Cody, look at you. So happy. So… peaceful. How lovely.” I hear a raspy, devilish voice snarl from behind me.
I turn around and I come face to face with him, my demon.
“What do you want? Why can’t you just leave me alone! I feel happy, all I want is to be happy.”
“Oh that’s too bad, because you’ll never be happy here. On earth I mean. Because all you do is ruin everyone’s lives, even mine. I was cast into your god forsaken pathetic mind against my will, you did it. You made yourself crazy and made me appear.”
“STOP IT! You’re wrong!” I yell, backing away from him as he slowly approaches me, black, hollow eyes bearing deep into mine.
“I can make you better, I can take this all away. All you have to do, is die.”
He lunges for me, flames engulfing the field around him. Right before his clawed hands grab me, everything goes black.
Back in reality, I jolt from the slumber. Forgetting I am still on the porch swing, I fly off of the bench and land on the wooden porch with a loud smack. Brian jumps up, the sound awakening him, and he looks around startled.
“Ah, fuck.” I say, grabbing my wrist having landed on it wrong.
‘Think about it baby girl. You can’t escape without me.’ The distant voice echoes in my mind.
“Shit are you okay?” Brian says, jumping down to my side.
“Yeah, I think I landed on my wrist wrong. I just had a bad dream.” I say quietly, rubbing my wrist. “Great, now how the hell am I going to perform? We got a show in a week!”
Brian laughs and shakes his head, “Always thinking about music first. I love it. Let’s get some ice on that thing and get it wrapped up.”
I grab my phone off of the coffee table and follow him inside.
“Holy shit it’s 2 in the morning. Dang, Deklan blew my phone up.” I say, mentally cursing my younger brother for sending me 79 texts of random things.
“He blew up mine too.” Brian says, checking his iPhone. “Apparently Jimmy told him we were asleep on the porch, and now he’s going crazy. I think he’s drunk.” I chuckle and nod, that boy is always drinking with his friends. I can’t say anything, though. When I was 16, I was into so much worse things than getting drunk and stoned with my buds all the time.
When we emerge into the kitchen, I come face to face with a drunk brother and his “swagged out” bros.
“Heyyy bitches how was ya naps?” Deklan says rather loudly, stumbling over to us and hands me his Budlight. “Here, I don’t know why I’m drinking this, this is a hick beer. GIMME A SHOT LUKE!”
“God damnit Deklan, stop yelling! People are trying to sleep upstairs. If y’all are going to be rambunctious assholes then go somewhere else. And here, I don’t want your beer, there’s shit all around the rim that I can’t even identify. But if y’all keep that blunt going around and your voices down, then you can stay and smoke me out.”
“Aye that’s the spirit.” Luke, one of me and Deklan’s closest friends, says, immediately pulling out his sack and a grinder.
“I’m going smoke a little, are you going to bed?” I ask Brian.
“Um, yeah, I guess.” He says, and just turns and leaves the room.
Shit. I forgot he hates when I smoke.
‘Way to go, make someone else mad at you.’
Fuck off, I don’t need your shit right now.
“Yo, get your bong since you hate papers.” Luke says.
“Why don’t I get that and some blunts and show y’all how to burn a Marley right, since you’re baby asses couldn’t handle it last time.” I wink playfully and walk out of the room, shaking my ass a little extra, knowing all the guys are staring. They all have the hots for me, it’s quite funny actually. Going up the stairs, my forgetful ass forgot I just busted my wrist up and grabbed the railing with my left hand. I instantly wince and draw it to my chest. Once in my room, I locate one of my many braces and throw it on my wrist. I open one of my dresser drawers and grab out four blunt wraps, my bong, my elephant bowl, and one of my many sacks of tree.
Another fun fact about me, I’m the drug lord of Santa Monica. And all of Deklan’s friends and their school. It’s a problem.
“Alright bitches, I just got some new shit in, y’all are going to die.” I lay it all out on the table and Luke instantly goes from the sacks and pulls a nug out, examining the fuzzy and sticky piece of wonder in his hand.
“Damn, what is this?”
“Cherry pie, brand new from Baja.” I snag the grinder off of the table and start going to work.
“What happened to your wrist now?” Deklan asks, pointing to the black brace on it.
“Had a bad dream, woke up, forgot I was on the porch swing and fell off. Hit it pretty hard the wrong way.” He chuckles.
“Woah, we got some drugs up in dis bitch.” Jimmy bursts into the room, taking a seat next to me on the couch. “Is this the stuff from Baja?” I nod, “Oh shit you boys are about to die.”
“Oh, I don’t know if you know everyone or not, but this is Luke, Nick, Graham, Ty, Alyssa, and Shawn.” I say, going around the room pointing people out. “Everyone, this is Jimmy, he’s badass.”
After introductions and Jimmy basically interrogating everyone on their entire lives and fucking with them for close to an hour, we were all feeling pretty fantastic.
One of the greatest things about smoking for me, is it’s basically a release from my thoughts. When I smoke, I don’t hear anything, I don’t think about anything, I’m just happy and relaxed. It’s my safe go to vice.
“Yo douche bag, pass the bong.” Graham yells, throwing my lighter back at me, which I catch, and smirk at him.
“Hm… nah bitch. SKIPPED!” I laugh and pack the bowl up, lighting up and only passing between me and everyone except him for a turn, just to mess with him.
When 4:00 finally rolls around, I decide to go to bed, or try to at least. When I enter my room, I have to stifle my light laughs. I see Brian, sprawled out on my bed. All my pillows except one on the floor, comforter halfway off the bed, sheets somewhere in the mess, and Brian shirtless and in gym shorts taking up the entire bed. I walk over, grab the three pillows I use off the ground and smack him in the leg.
“Move over lazy ass, I need to sleep.” He grunts but complies slowly. I climb in and get comfy on my left side. I feel the bed shift after a minute and I feel Brian’s strong arm wrap around me and pull me into him.
God I love this.
Still, even though I am extremely comfortable, I cannot fall asleep.
Thoughts about what has happened lately just adorn my mind and sleep is inevitable, as always.
Why can I not just be normal?
Why can’t I be like Christina and be absolutely perfect in every way?
I just need a fresh start.
My eyes snap open at this thought. I glance at my phone and see it’s already 5:13 in the morning. No one is up right now, I don’t think.
I should go for this.
A fresh start, maybe that is what I need. To just get away from everyone, have a new beginning, go somewhere new.
But where?
‘How about 6 feet under the ground?’
Stop that, you’re not helping.
‘Maybe you should stop being so hateful towards me, and maybe I’ll be nicer to you.’
I choose to ignore this, and continue with my spontaneous decision. I carefully get up, unwrapping the sleeping Brian’s arm from around my waist. I walk to my closet and quietly get out two of my travel bags and I start filling them with as many clothes and shoes I can fit in them. I grab a few more things out of the bathroom and end with grabbing my purse off my dresser. I turn slowly and glance back at Brian, something in my heart tugging at me to stay, but I know I can’t. I need to do this.
‘Just leave. If you stay, it’s going to make things worse. If you say anything, it’s going to make things worse. You never listen to me, but hear me on this. Shut the door, walk down the stairs, and walk out that front door.’
I nod slightly, taking one last look back at Brian before shutting the door and heading down the stairs.
I snag the keys to my Charger and head to the garage, opening the door, and getting into my car. As I back out, I look to my right towards the front door, and I can see a shadow occupying the window next to the front door. As I stare for a second longer, the front door swings open and I see Brian standing there. As I put my car in drive, he starts down the stairs towards me and I gun it out of my driveway, headed north towards the open road.
Where should I go?
I’ve always wanted to live in Oregon.
‘Too close, too many people know you there. Go east.’
Georgia? I love Georgia.
‘Let’s go then’
And we’re off.
My phone rings in my purse, I grab it out and see Brian’s name pop up.
Ignore.
And again, and again, then a voicemail, then a text.
Then Jimmy gets in on it. And after a while, Zacky, Christina, Matt, and Johnny all are trying to reach me.
‘Jesus shut that fucker off, I’m tired of seeing it light up.’
Oh yeah, why didn’t I do that when I left?
I grab the blue phone and power it off, tossing it gently in the seat next to me.
Hours and hours later, I make it to Texas and I turn my phone back on, not even bothering to check how many notifications I have from everyone. I call one of my uncles who lives in Houston too see if he has another car I can drive. My whole family, being in the Italian Mafia and the drug cartel business, has a lot of spare cars lying around.
“Hey uncle Chance, I need a favor” I say once he answers.
“What’s up young’n?”
“I need a car, one that no one will recognize. I’m about 15 minutes from the warehouse, can you meet me?”
“Um, yeah sure. What’s the occasion?”
“I’m… just meet me, it’s important.” I hang up before he can question me again.
As I pull up to the old warehouse, I see my uncle and two of his wingmen emerge from the front door. I shut my car off and step out into the hot Texas sun.
“Well, what’s the deal punk?” he asks as we embrace in a quick hug
“I can’t really tell you, because I don’t want anyone knowing what I’m doing, but I need to get rid of my car. It’s nothing serious, I just can’t have anyone finding me right now, and my car is pretty recognizable.” I glace at the murdered out Charger to my side.
“Well, all I can really do in the short amount of time is this,” he opens the sliding doors of the warehouse and I see a deep navy blue Mercedes CLA 180 perched in the open space. “Think this’ll work for your little adventure?”
“Oh god yes. You have no idea how much this means to me. I will make it up to you once I get to where I’m going.” I hug him tightly. “This is why you’re my favorite Uncle!”
“Oh I know love. Now, be careful. And call me once you get to where you’re going, okay?” I nod, and take the keys from his hand and hand over mine.
After a short farewell, I’m back on the road and on my way to sweet Georgia.
I need to change how I look. And quick.
‘Shave your head.’
Fuck off, I’m serious. Okay, here’s the plan. Tattoos, lots of them. I already have the piercings I want so no more, I may go up a gauge size or two. I always wanted a double zero and I’m not too far off. And I want to dread the rest of my hair.
‘Or, instead of doing that, look normal. Take out your piercings, lose the dreads or keep them, whatever. But no tattoos, especially the ones you have drawn up because everyone knows what they looks like and of course you’ll look just like Zacky since you already pretty much do. Blend in with the crowd and no one will know. Change your voice a little, watch how you act, watch what you say definitely, and listen to me. The best way to change who you are is to be how someone else tells you to be.’
Holy shit for once you actually are right. As much as I hate to admit it.
‘That’s what I’m here for darling. Oh, you should get rid of your phone also, because they’re probably tracking you right now.’
“Shit!” I yell, looking at my phone. I see a message pop up at the top from Zacky.
‘WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN TEXAS??!?! I swear to god Cody if you don’t answer us I’m going to fucking kill you!!! We’re worried sick and you’re in FUCKING TEXAS DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT.’
I decide to text back, before I throw my phone out the window. Dramatic, yes, but it needs to be done.
‘Don’t worry about me. Y’all don’t ever have to worry about me again. I’m fine, and safe, but I’m leaving. For good. I love you, tell everyone I love them, and thank you for what everyone’s done, but I can’t keep living like this. So goodbye.’
Sent, and out the window it goes. I glance in my mirror and see it shatter on the pavement behind my 75 miles an hour.
I smirk and turn the radio up letting some Sleeping With Sirens blare through the speakers.
Time to get on with this voyage.