Demons Are Real
Hospital
Let’s start from now. Not the beginning that would take too long.
My current state of mind is solemn, drug induced, and stable.
The demons are at bay.
All I can focus on is the slow beep, beep, beep, from the heart monitor next to my bedside.
I’m alone, all alone, like I have been all my life.
I have friends and family, yes, but who wants to be around someone this unstable?
No one, that’s who.
The only people who have come to see me in the past two days is my therapist, my doctor, and an occasional nurse and her trainee.
‘All alone, just how we like it. Did you think we’d stay quiet for long silly girl?’
Speak of the devil and he shall appear.
‘Now now, its not nice to call names, even though it is flattering. No one is going to come, my dear. Stop eyeing the door. No one likes you. No one wants you, that’s why you’re here and not at home. You’re pathetic.’
“Shut the fuck up already!” I mumble quietly. The door cracks open and an eldely nurse, Maya, my favorite one, pokes her head in.
“My dear, you have some visitors. Would you like me to let them in?”
“Who?”
“Well, it’s your brother, and a few others. Four others to be exact.” She siles sweetly and I nod reluctantly.
“I guess I have to face them sooner or later, huh?”
“Just push the button if you want them to leave sweetie.” She smiles again and opens the door wider, and four buff, tattoo covered men enter cautiously. I eye them carefully, noticing the one man I want to see has yet to enter the room.
“My god, cheer up y’all, you look like you’re walking into a funeral. I’m not dead, yet.” I mumble the last part quietly to myself.
No one speaks, they just stare or look away from me.
‘They’re disgusted. I told you, no one wants you. Look, your own brother can’t even look you in the eye. Pathetic, worthless, waste of space. Cody Romello everyone! Congratulations on making everyone wish you were dead already.’
I slowly shake my head, forcing the urge to cry to go away.
“Cody, what is going on? I thought you were getting better,” Zacky, my oldest brother says, as he slowly walks to my bedside and grabs my frail hand. “I thought this was all over. You scared us sick, you had me worried to fucking death. Why do you keep doing this?”
“You wouldn’t fucking understand!” I fling his hand from mine, “Why do you even care? When have you EVER cared or even been there for me? When have you ever cared about anyone but yourself and your band? You’ve never even showed your face or even called me in the past when this has happened to see if I was still ALIVE. Just leave. I don’t want y’all here.” I shake my head and slowly get up from my bed and walk towards the window, dragging my IV carrier with me. “I just want to go home.”
“You can’t.”
I slowly turn around and stare Zacky in his pale green eyes.
“What the fuck do you mean ‘I can’t’?”
“I mean, that you’re coming to live with me and the guys In Huntington. You don’t have a say and we’ve already gotten your stuff packed and sent to me and Jimmy’s house. You’re not staying by yourself anymore I’m not letting his happen again. And you’re right, I haven’t been there before, but I am now and that’s not changing. I’m not going to lose you Cody, and the guys aren’t either.”
“You mean more to us than anything, baby girl.” I finally hear the voice I’ve been wanting to hear for the past year, Jimmy’s voice. My best friend. He walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders, looking down on my 5’2’’ frame into my bright emerald eyes. “If you left me, my god I don’t know what I would do. You mean more to me than this band, than life itself. What happened, is a thing of the past. And we don’t know why you keep doing this, but we want to. And in good time, I want you to tell me. You don’t have to tell them, but I want to know. I need to know. I want to help my best friend get better and be the happy girl that has a smile that never leaves her face, the one that lights the room up when she walks in. You may think you don’t matter to anyone, but by god you matter to me.”
I can’t even speak.
‘It’s all lies, don’t believe it. You know the second they get you back to Huntington they’re going to leave for tour and forget all about you. It’s all rehearsed. Every. Single. Word.’
‘Oh but you’re wrong, my friend,’ I think, ‘things are going to change, and you’re going to die.’
No response, just fading, evil filled laughter.
“So what do you say?” Jimmy says after a moment of silence.
“Okay.” I respond, in a whisper. “But I swear to God, if y’all fuck this up and piss me off, I’m gone.”
They all get a slightly scared expression on their faces. Good.
“Um, I’m sorry to interrupt, but visiting hours are over, and Cody, it’s time for your next session.” Maya says sweetly from the door.
“Okay, thank you Maya, I’ll be ready in a second,” she smiles and exits. “Call me tonight, if you still have my number. It’s the same as always. I’ll be done around 8:30. The sessions usually last and hour and a half, but if I don’t answer I’ll call you back.” I say to Jimmy, as I hug him and walk them to the door. “I guess I’ll see y’all later on then.”
Yay therapy time.
My doctor, thank goodness, is very cool. He’s very understanding and doesn’t make me feel crazy like all the other therapists I’ve seen over the years. He’s been through a lot, similar to my case, and actually know what I’ve been through.
“Hello Cody, how are you feeling today? I heard your brother and friends came and saw you.” Doctor Terrance says, pushing his glasses up his nose.
“I’m alright, I guess. I thought the voice would go away, but of course the second I woke up and thought about it there he was. Laughing and judging like always. I just… I don’t know. I’m at such a loss with this I just want it to go away,” I start tearing up, but quickly blinking away the tears. “But yes, they did come see me, and I wasn’t all that nice. But I mean, they have no right coming into my room after all this time not even acknowledging me, and suddenly tell me I have to move in with them. Like, I’m royally pissed to be honest. Jimmy, though, I was happy to see him. I always am. We haven’t had much contact over the past year or so, but I could never be mad at him.”
“Oh, moving? That’s quite a sudden change isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I’m not too thrilled.”
“Well, it is going to be a good thing in the end. You don’t need to be alone. Especially if Jimmy is there, by the way you talk about him, I’m sure being around him will help a lot. You two seem very close.”
“We are.”
“Well, if it’s not too much to discuss today, the voice. What all has he been saying? The usual?”
“Yeah, but today he was saying how everything the guys were saying was a lie, and honestly, I believe it. I mean, what happens when they go on tour? They’re not going to want to have to watch after me AND stress over performing! I’ll just be nothing but a burden to them.”
“Now now, don’t think like that sweetie, you know what it does. That’s what makes him come back, you know this. Trust me, you won’t be a burden. I mean, think about it Cody, they’re moving you all the way to Huntington. You have a home here, and people to take care of you everyday, but they want to help you even with they’re extreme schedule. They love you Cody, they WANT to help you. And I think you need to go.” He smiles a generous, warm smile at me reassuring everything is going to be okay.
I sigh, “Okay, I believe you. I’m going to do it. I’m just scared.” I subconsciously rub my wrists, covered in white gaudy bandages. He reaches out and grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. “Thank you for being here for me, Terrance. It means a lot.” I stand up and hug him, “I’m ready for this I think. I do miss them so very much.”
With this, the session ends early, and I head back to my disgustingly sterile white room
‘You can’t escape, no matter where you go, no matter who you’re with. I’ll always be here. You’re pathetic life is MINE.'
“That’s what you think. You’re not going to get me again.” I mumble, laying down on my crinkly sheets. I notice its almost 8:15. I decide to call Jimmy early, before I go to sleep.
RING….. RING….. RING….. RING….. RING…..
“Hey fuckers. I probably hate you, so I didn’t answer. And I probably won’t call you back either, so hang up.”
BEEP.
“Hey fucker, call me back. I got done early.” Click.
‘He’s not going to call you back, foolish girl. I told you, LIES. They all lie, they don’t want you. Just go ahead and kill yourself again. Do it. You have all the resources you need here, right in this very room. You’re worthless, a waste of precious oxygen that other people can breath, ones that actually MATTER. Fuck your life.’ I shake my head and wipe my forming tears away, grabbing my phone and typing a quick message to Jimmy.
‘Jimmy hurry please.’
5 minutes go by.
Then 10.
Then 30.
Then 9:00 comes around. Still no word.
‘HAHAHA I told you. You should listen to me more, I have good ideas you know?’
Shut up, just go away.
All I want is for this to be over.
The voice, it just never stops.
Ashaltay, the demon, picked me out of every person in the world to torment.
Ashaltay, leave me alone.
I just want to be alone and at peace.
Demons are real, and they’ll slowly kill you.
Demons are real, and they’ll drive you fucking mad.
My current state of mind is solemn, drug induced, and stable.
The demons are at bay.
All I can focus on is the slow beep, beep, beep, from the heart monitor next to my bedside.
I’m alone, all alone, like I have been all my life.
I have friends and family, yes, but who wants to be around someone this unstable?
No one, that’s who.
The only people who have come to see me in the past two days is my therapist, my doctor, and an occasional nurse and her trainee.
‘All alone, just how we like it. Did you think we’d stay quiet for long silly girl?’
Speak of the devil and he shall appear.
‘Now now, its not nice to call names, even though it is flattering. No one is going to come, my dear. Stop eyeing the door. No one likes you. No one wants you, that’s why you’re here and not at home. You’re pathetic.’
“Shut the fuck up already!” I mumble quietly. The door cracks open and an eldely nurse, Maya, my favorite one, pokes her head in.
“My dear, you have some visitors. Would you like me to let them in?”
“Who?”
“Well, it’s your brother, and a few others. Four others to be exact.” She siles sweetly and I nod reluctantly.
“I guess I have to face them sooner or later, huh?”
“Just push the button if you want them to leave sweetie.” She smiles again and opens the door wider, and four buff, tattoo covered men enter cautiously. I eye them carefully, noticing the one man I want to see has yet to enter the room.
“My god, cheer up y’all, you look like you’re walking into a funeral. I’m not dead, yet.” I mumble the last part quietly to myself.
No one speaks, they just stare or look away from me.
‘They’re disgusted. I told you, no one wants you. Look, your own brother can’t even look you in the eye. Pathetic, worthless, waste of space. Cody Romello everyone! Congratulations on making everyone wish you were dead already.’
I slowly shake my head, forcing the urge to cry to go away.
“Cody, what is going on? I thought you were getting better,” Zacky, my oldest brother says, as he slowly walks to my bedside and grabs my frail hand. “I thought this was all over. You scared us sick, you had me worried to fucking death. Why do you keep doing this?”
“You wouldn’t fucking understand!” I fling his hand from mine, “Why do you even care? When have you EVER cared or even been there for me? When have you ever cared about anyone but yourself and your band? You’ve never even showed your face or even called me in the past when this has happened to see if I was still ALIVE. Just leave. I don’t want y’all here.” I shake my head and slowly get up from my bed and walk towards the window, dragging my IV carrier with me. “I just want to go home.”
“You can’t.”
I slowly turn around and stare Zacky in his pale green eyes.
“What the fuck do you mean ‘I can’t’?”
“I mean, that you’re coming to live with me and the guys In Huntington. You don’t have a say and we’ve already gotten your stuff packed and sent to me and Jimmy’s house. You’re not staying by yourself anymore I’m not letting his happen again. And you’re right, I haven’t been there before, but I am now and that’s not changing. I’m not going to lose you Cody, and the guys aren’t either.”
“You mean more to us than anything, baby girl.” I finally hear the voice I’ve been wanting to hear for the past year, Jimmy’s voice. My best friend. He walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders, looking down on my 5’2’’ frame into my bright emerald eyes. “If you left me, my god I don’t know what I would do. You mean more to me than this band, than life itself. What happened, is a thing of the past. And we don’t know why you keep doing this, but we want to. And in good time, I want you to tell me. You don’t have to tell them, but I want to know. I need to know. I want to help my best friend get better and be the happy girl that has a smile that never leaves her face, the one that lights the room up when she walks in. You may think you don’t matter to anyone, but by god you matter to me.”
I can’t even speak.
‘It’s all lies, don’t believe it. You know the second they get you back to Huntington they’re going to leave for tour and forget all about you. It’s all rehearsed. Every. Single. Word.’
‘Oh but you’re wrong, my friend,’ I think, ‘things are going to change, and you’re going to die.’
No response, just fading, evil filled laughter.
“So what do you say?” Jimmy says after a moment of silence.
“Okay.” I respond, in a whisper. “But I swear to God, if y’all fuck this up and piss me off, I’m gone.”
They all get a slightly scared expression on their faces. Good.
“Um, I’m sorry to interrupt, but visiting hours are over, and Cody, it’s time for your next session.” Maya says sweetly from the door.
“Okay, thank you Maya, I’ll be ready in a second,” she smiles and exits. “Call me tonight, if you still have my number. It’s the same as always. I’ll be done around 8:30. The sessions usually last and hour and a half, but if I don’t answer I’ll call you back.” I say to Jimmy, as I hug him and walk them to the door. “I guess I’ll see y’all later on then.”
Yay therapy time.
My doctor, thank goodness, is very cool. He’s very understanding and doesn’t make me feel crazy like all the other therapists I’ve seen over the years. He’s been through a lot, similar to my case, and actually know what I’ve been through.
“Hello Cody, how are you feeling today? I heard your brother and friends came and saw you.” Doctor Terrance says, pushing his glasses up his nose.
“I’m alright, I guess. I thought the voice would go away, but of course the second I woke up and thought about it there he was. Laughing and judging like always. I just… I don’t know. I’m at such a loss with this I just want it to go away,” I start tearing up, but quickly blinking away the tears. “But yes, they did come see me, and I wasn’t all that nice. But I mean, they have no right coming into my room after all this time not even acknowledging me, and suddenly tell me I have to move in with them. Like, I’m royally pissed to be honest. Jimmy, though, I was happy to see him. I always am. We haven’t had much contact over the past year or so, but I could never be mad at him.”
“Oh, moving? That’s quite a sudden change isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I’m not too thrilled.”
“Well, it is going to be a good thing in the end. You don’t need to be alone. Especially if Jimmy is there, by the way you talk about him, I’m sure being around him will help a lot. You two seem very close.”
“We are.”
“Well, if it’s not too much to discuss today, the voice. What all has he been saying? The usual?”
“Yeah, but today he was saying how everything the guys were saying was a lie, and honestly, I believe it. I mean, what happens when they go on tour? They’re not going to want to have to watch after me AND stress over performing! I’ll just be nothing but a burden to them.”
“Now now, don’t think like that sweetie, you know what it does. That’s what makes him come back, you know this. Trust me, you won’t be a burden. I mean, think about it Cody, they’re moving you all the way to Huntington. You have a home here, and people to take care of you everyday, but they want to help you even with they’re extreme schedule. They love you Cody, they WANT to help you. And I think you need to go.” He smiles a generous, warm smile at me reassuring everything is going to be okay.
I sigh, “Okay, I believe you. I’m going to do it. I’m just scared.” I subconsciously rub my wrists, covered in white gaudy bandages. He reaches out and grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. “Thank you for being here for me, Terrance. It means a lot.” I stand up and hug him, “I’m ready for this I think. I do miss them so very much.”
With this, the session ends early, and I head back to my disgustingly sterile white room
‘You can’t escape, no matter where you go, no matter who you’re with. I’ll always be here. You’re pathetic life is MINE.'
“That’s what you think. You’re not going to get me again.” I mumble, laying down on my crinkly sheets. I notice its almost 8:15. I decide to call Jimmy early, before I go to sleep.
RING….. RING….. RING….. RING….. RING…..
“Hey fuckers. I probably hate you, so I didn’t answer. And I probably won’t call you back either, so hang up.”
BEEP.
“Hey fucker, call me back. I got done early.” Click.
‘He’s not going to call you back, foolish girl. I told you, LIES. They all lie, they don’t want you. Just go ahead and kill yourself again. Do it. You have all the resources you need here, right in this very room. You’re worthless, a waste of precious oxygen that other people can breath, ones that actually MATTER. Fuck your life.’ I shake my head and wipe my forming tears away, grabbing my phone and typing a quick message to Jimmy.
‘Jimmy hurry please.’
5 minutes go by.
Then 10.
Then 30.
Then 9:00 comes around. Still no word.
‘HAHAHA I told you. You should listen to me more, I have good ideas you know?’
Shut up, just go away.
All I want is for this to be over.
The voice, it just never stops.
Ashaltay, the demon, picked me out of every person in the world to torment.
Ashaltay, leave me alone.
I just want to be alone and at peace.
Demons are real, and they’ll slowly kill you.
Demons are real, and they’ll drive you fucking mad.
9/24/13