I practically dropped the phone with the last four words Jimmy spoke to me. It was already that time of year. December. When the most terrible thing that could happen to me, happened. I stood there, frozen, looking out over the harbor, in silence as I waited for Jimmy’s reply. On the outside I kept my composure because I was in a public place, but on the inside I was horrified.

“Morgan I don’t know how to say this,”

I gave out a sigh. The one thing I couldn’t stand was when people hesitated to tell you something.

“Just tell me” I demanded.

I could hear Jimmy breath slowly through the other end. In and out, in and out. I did the same, to keep myself from getting too overwhelmed.

“It’s about Matt,” he began.

I didn’t say anything. I waited for him to continue.

“He was in a car accident”

My heart sank. I couldn’t even speak. I expected myself to be screaming and crying but I was silent. I was transfixed upon hearing those words. The two words that I dreaded hearing since the day of the accident have come back only to take another person whom I love.

“Morgan?”

A few seconds passed.

“Morgan.”

“Morgan, answer me!” Jimmy yelled.

Another couple of seconds passed before I managed to get out, “How bad is it?” Never in my life have I ever said something in such a terrified, shooken up voice.

“It’s bad, but the doctors said he will live.”

I let out a small sigh of relief, only to remember that they had said this about my father whom died two hours after the fact.

“What else should I know,” I said, not wanting to ask any specific questions. I hated asking questions at times like these. It put too much stress on me.

“You should know that Brian and I bought you a plane ticket out here for tomorrow at 7 in the morning.”

“Short notice,” I spoke out of terms, which I felt bad about. That was another thing that situations like these did to me. When my parents passed, I became a bitch. I snapped at teachers, friends, I became such a wise ass which is so opposite from who I actually am. Trauma does crazy things to a person.

“The accident happened this morning, will you be able to fly out?” He asked.

“Of course I will be able to, this takes precedence over everything else going on in my life right now,” I said truthfully.

There was an awkward silence between us.

“Morgan, I just want you to know that Matt is going to be okay and we’re all worried of course, but just try to stay calm.” He advised me.

“I know its just hard-”

“With all thats happened to you, right?”

“Exactly.”

“Go get some rest, I’ll see you tomorrow morning,”

“Thank you Jimmy”

“Anytime Morgan”

And with that we hung up.

That conversation went nothing like I expected it to. I walked towards the closest T Station. I expected to be leaving the wharf satisfied that I had settled everything with Matt. Instead I left worse off than before. Now I wasn’t sure that I would even be able to fix everything with Matt.

---

When I got back to my dorm, I settled upon writing in my journal. Tonight was going to be a sleepless night.

Those who say history repeats itself could not be more right. History does repeat itself. That is obvious if you look at world history, people constantly have wars to gain power and land. They constantly try to conquer each other. They try to become superior and make themselves the greatest. What I did not realize is that my history repeats itself. Today I got a call from Jimmy. He said that Matt was in a car accident. To say that I expected it would be harsh. In all honesty, I’m not surprised that it happened. With all the things that have happened to me in the past three years, or just the past six months alone I have come to expect bad things to occur in my life. I’m scared. It’s December. I do not want a repeat of December three years ago. The anniversary is coming up in two weeks. It’s hard enough dealing with that. I don’t need anymore. My life is just not meant to be a peaceful one, I guess.

In the midst of writing my phone lit up; Brian was calling me.

“Hey Brian,” I answered.

“Hey Morgan, I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” He half stated, half asked me.

“I’m okay as I can be,” I sighed as I drew lines and small drawing on the page of my journal.

“I understand that.”

“It’s just hard, ya know? I feel like my life is one big mess. There’s constantly people getting hurt because of me and- and i’m just a jinx, Brian” I let it out. That’s exactly what I was. I was a fucking jinx.

“You are not a jinx. I don’t want you to talk about yourself like that,” Brian said in a harsher tone.

“But its true,”

“Stop. You are an amazing person who is actually a lot of fun to be around. I know your life may be crazy right now but everything will settle soon enough and everything will work out.”

“And what if it doesn’t?”

“It will.”

I sighed.

“Some days I just feel like the world would be a better place without me,” I admitted.

The drawings on the page of my journal got crazier and crazier as I began to feel more and more anxious.

“Don’t talk like that,” He said to me.

“Why not?”

“Because you sound suicidal, and I don’t like that”

“Yeah” I breathed.

“You’re not suicidal,” He paused, “are you?”

“Nope”

In all honestly I was not suicidal in the least bit. I was too lazy at the moment to even move. I was more depressed than anything. Sometimes when I’m depressed, I get in these moods where nothing motivates me. I think about all that I could be doing and it pains me because I’m not doing it but at the same time I don’t want to be doing it. It’s complicated but its a feeling I use to often have. It’s worse than being suicidal. At least when I’m suicidal I still feel alive, when I’m like this I feel like a soul trapped inside of a corpse.

“Good,” he voiced, “Morgan, I want you to know that I really care about you. I love you and i’m here for you if you ever need anything.

“I know, Bri. Thank you, it means a lot. I love you too.” I was lucky to have a friend like him.

“So are you sure you’re okay?” He asked one last time.

“Yes”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow morning, get some rest.”

“I’ll try, love you”

“Love you too”

I hung up the phone.

And so the restless night commences.

Notes

yay an update :)