Scream

As soon as she slammed the door shut, I slid down to the floor with my back against it. I listened to her walk around until the bed creaked and her crying picked up. Her muffled screams were what broke me.

The entire thing hurt, but hearing her in such agonizing pain killed me.

It took everything I had to not go back in there, but I knew she didn't want me. Not right now, at least. I didn't know how long it would be until she would forgive me, if she ever would.

More screaming and I had to hold my fist to mouth. This was going to haunt me forever.

I was going to tell her, I just didn't know when. If she asked I would have told her, but I wanted to avoid it for as long as I could. Matt thought it was great, because he thought it was a sign that I was over Courtney, but he didn't know I was wasted literally the entire time. He had no idea how much I still loved her and Michelle was just a replacement.

Not like anyone could ever replace her, but I tried.

I tried to force myself to love Michelle, but every little thing reminded me of Courtney and how much I loved her instead. So when the doctors called saying we were both improving enough for her live with me again, I kicked Michelle out gladly. She lived there for a month and she was so upset, but I didn't care. All I cared about was Court.

Ever since she was a kid, she was my number one priority. I didn't realize it until our parents died, but every girl I ever wanted resembled Courtney somehow. I was disgusted with myself, but I did research and it didn't exactly count as pedophilia because it was only her. There was something called Incestuous Attraction Disorder, and it matched me perfectly. That was what Donna diagnosed me with once Courtney was in the hospital. She had it, too.

When she came home after the worst year of my life, I knew I wanted things back to the way they were. I knew I couldn't live without her, but things would be different this time. I wasn't going to pressure her into anything and I was going to wait to see how she felt. I was terrified that she wouldn't feel the same anymore, but she did and I thought everything could be perfect this time.

I really fucked up.

I looked at the time. 12:42am. I haven't heard her in a while. I stood up and cracked the door open.

"Courtney?" I whispered. Nothing. I walked over slowly and rested my hand on her arm. She didn't move, but she was breathing. She was clutching my pillow like it was all she had.

I leaned down and kissed the side of her head. "I love you, Courtney," I said against her skin. She was fast asleep. I grabbed my fedora and sunglasses from my nightstand, threw them on and headed out. I managed to make it past the guys without them seeing me. I walked out of the gated entrance and just walked. I had no idea where I was going, but I couldn't stay in that bus with her without comforting her. And I definitely couldn't go back to the guys, how could I explain to them what just happened? If I had a normal relationship with Courtney, like they think we do, what I did with Michelle shouldn't matter. I told them she dumped me, anyway.

I hung up the phone and couldn't get the smile to leave my face. Courtney was going to come home! If things stayed this way, she could be back as early as August 1st! Two months ago her doctors were telling me she was looking at another six months there at least, but now she could be home in six weeks.

"Hey baby, who was that?" Michelle asked, coming up behind me and snaking her arms around my hips. I stepped away and turned to look at her.

"Nobody important," I said, setting the phone down, "but we need to talk."

"What's up?" she asked, sitting down on the couch.

"I don't think this is really working out," I said without hesitation. It scared me a little how easy this was, but I wanted her out immediately so I could start getting ready for Courtney.

"What?" she exclaimed. "What do you mean, what did I do?"

"Nothing, you've been great, I just don't think this is the best time for us," I said. No time would ever be the best time for us.

"Brian, I'm fucking living here! Where am I supposed to go?"

"Back with Sara? I don't know, but to be fair I told you not to get comfortable-"

"That was in the beginning, I thought things were different now!"

"Things are, kind of," I said, scratching the back of my head.

"Is there someone else?" she asked quietly. Shit.

"Michelle, don't ask me that."

"There is, isn't there? Who?"

"Stop-"

She stood and stalked over to me. "I hope she realizes how much of a fucking worthless drunk you are."

I was an asshole to her, sure, but she didn't treat me amazingly either. She couldn't say she was totally surprised.

I ended up in what appeared to be some sort of city circle with a somewhat busy club. I went straight in and took a seat at the bar away from most people.

"What'll it be?" the bartender asked.

"Rum and coke," I said. He nodded and walked down to make it as I looked around. Couples danced and sat on benches and made out and it pissed me off.

"Are you okay?" a girl asked, sitting next to me. The bartender set my drink down and I swallowed a mouthful.

"Yeah, thanks," I said, giving a slight smile.

"You don't look it," she said.

"I am."

"Is your girlfriend mad at you?"

I watched her for a few seconds before nodding.

"What'd you do?"

I looked at my drink. How do I even explain this? "I, uh... We broke up and I slept with someone else. To help me move on."

"You didn't know she was coming back."

"I know."

"Give her time," she said, standing back up as another girl walked over to her. "She'll listen once she's had time."

I smiled at her. "Thank you."

She nodded and walked out with her friend.

Give her time? I guess that was the best option, but it was killing me to be away from her, for her to want me away from her.

I took another swig of my drink and thought of something. Why am I drinking if that's what's gotten me into this? The first night with Michelle I was wasted off my ass. I told Courtney when I was too drunk to realize what I was saying. I always drink when I'm having problems.

I kept my arm around ten year old Courtney as the driver took us back to the house from the cemetery. He pulled in, said his condolences, and we went into my house. I just moved in maybe two months ago, I still wasn't even used to the place. I already got all of Courtney's stuff out of our parents' house and into mine. It was the craziest two weeks; Courtney was in the hospital from her injuries and I had to plan a funeral by myself along with figuring out what to do about their house and possessions. Thank god I had money, because this lawyer was fucking expensive. But he took care of everything while I took care of Courtney, that was good enough for me.

"All right," I said, "are you hungry? I can make us something if you want."

She shook her head.

"Okay. You can go hang out in your room then or stay down here with me, it's up to you."

Without a word, she walked up the stairs and to her room, shutting the door with a soft click behind her. I let out a shaky breath and walked into the kitchen, going through cabinets. I couldn't remember where I put shit. Finally I found the bottle of Jack in the cupboard above the fridge. Only half left, good enough. I took it to the couch with me and sat in silence, taking a swig every minute or so when reality came back into focus.

"How am I going to do this?" I asked myself quietly. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a ten year old girl, especially while touring and recording.

"Brian?"

I looked up and saw Courtney standing at the top of the steps. "What is it, sweetie?"

"Drinking won't bring them back."

I pushed the glass away.

"Thanks," I said to the bartender, leaving a $20 bill and leaving. I shoved my hands in my pockets and aimlessly walked.

I didn't need any substance right now. I needed Courtney, but she needed space. I kept seeing her tear-stained face in my head and I felt a stab in my heart every time. I had no idea how I was going to make this up to her.

My phone started going off so I pulled it out. Matt.

"What's up?" I asked, looking around for any sign of where I was. I recognized a house that I passed on the way out and followed the road down.

"We wanna start driving again, where are you?"

"Just went for a walk, I'm heading back now. Be there in five."

"Is everything okay?" Dammit.

"Yeah, Court's just having some problems with things. Everything's fine, though."

"You left her alone?"

"She's fast asleep."

"All right... let me know how she is tomorrow."

If she's even talking to me tomorrow. "Will do," I said, hanging up.

"Why are you so picky when it comes to girls?" Matt asked, drinking his beer. We were in the studio at my place after I made sure Courtney was asleep.

"Gotta be," I said. "Any bitch can say they love me when they really just love my money."

"What about Michelle?" Zack asked.

"Like I said, any bitch can really just love my money." They started laughing, because they knew it was true.

"Eventually you're gonna have to take what you can get," Johnny said.

"He's not you, Johnny," Matt said. I chuckled.

"But seriously Syn," Zack said, "you're 27 years old. You've met so many and every single time you said they weren't your type. We don't even know what your type could be anymore."

"Maybe I don't have one," I said.

"Everyone has one, Bri," Jimmy said. "What is it?"

I thought about it for a couple seconds. "Okay, how about long hair, dark preferably. Short, pale, nice smile, cute laugh, likes our music obviously, likes to be around me... and loves me, I guess."

"Brian?" Courtney called from the top of the steps. We all turned to look at her.

"What's up, babe?" I asked.

"I can't sleep."

"All right, I'll be up in a second."

She smiled and walked away. I stood and caught Matt giving me a weird look.

"What?" I asked.

"Do you realize you just described your sister?" he asked.

I took a swig of my beer before putting it down. "Nah, just a coincidence."

I knew right and fucking well I was describing her. Luckily they never brought it up again, but it definitely made me nervous, hence why I ended up waiting longer than I liked to be with her.

I saw the fence ahead, so I jogged to it and into the lot where the buses were. I climbed into mine and Chad started it up. I walked back through the bathroom as we started moving and peeked into the room again. She hadn't moved. I walked over to my nightstand and pulled the drawer open, looking for the Tylenol but my hand felt something thin and cold. I pulled it out.

The ring. Her ring.

I set it back inside and found the bottle, taking it out to the living area. I took a bottle of water from the fridge and guzzled it down with three of the pills. Luckily the couches out here both pulled out into a mattress, so I set that up and found one of the blankets we brought. As comfortable as it'll get, I guess. I laid down and unlocked my phone, going to my messages. Finding my conversation with Courtney, I sent her a text so she had something of me to wake up to.

I love you, baby girl. Forever and always.

Notes

Chapter title credit: Motionless In White "Wasp"
Hope you guys like this chapter, haven't had one from Brian in a while and I thought now was an important time to see what he's thinking. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.