Scream

"That was awesome!" Zack exclaimed as they came off stage after two hours. They were all beaming, but I mainly focused on Brian as he walked over to me. I know I'd seen him play before, but seeing him live was something totally different. I swear I fell for him all over again.

"How was it?" he asked me, yelling.

"Great, but you don't have to yell anymore," I said loudly into his ear.

"I know, but I can't hear shit," he said laughing. Someone from the venue came by with more bottles of beer and Brian grabbed one.

"How many of those have you had?"

He shrugged as he cracked it open. "I dunno, I lost count after ten."

"Seriously?"

"I don't know," he said right before he chugged half of it.

Oh boy.

"Let's go, girls!" Mike Portnoy said walking toward his bus. Brian started walking before I grabbed his hand.

"Where?" I asked.

"We're celebrating at his bus," he said. "Come with us, it'll be fun." He started walking again, letting go of my hand before I answered. I guess it had to be a yes.

I followed everyone to said bus, which was actually almost as big as the one Brian and I had. All the women were there, too, so I didn't feel as out of place.

"Is this normal?" I asked, sitting next to Gena.

"After the first show, yeah. They calm down for the most part afterward," she explained, then looked around. "I know you're underage, but did you want a drink?"

"Would that be okay?" I asked, looking at Brian who was opening another beer already.

"Just us here, no one else can get back here," Lacey said, handing me an Angry Orchard. The peer pressure was real. It was already open so I took a sip. I could barely taste the alcohol, so I held onto it.

"Who gave that to her?" Matt laughed, pointing at me.

"Guilty," Lacey said, raising her hand. I looked at Brian and he was looking at me. He winked and I smiled. He went back to setting up the beer pong table.

"Shots!" Johnny yelled, pouring five shot glasses full of... something. The five guys instantly clinked them together, tapped them on the table, and threw them back. They all yelled things as they refilled them and did it again. I looked past them and saw they had a crate full of different bottles. Valary saw it at the same time.

"You guys can't seriously drink that all night," she said, pulling out bottles.

"Bartender Valary is here," Zack sung, throwing a ball into one of the cups. Looked like Johnny was the one sitting out this round.

"Not a party without her," Gena responded. They played as Val made shots, mixing what seemed to me to be random liquors.

"Cinnamon Toast Crunch!" she announced. All the guys came over, took them, and cheered, going back to the table.

"I thought you weren't supposed to mix," I said to Lacey.

"You're not," she chuckled. "But everyone has someone to take care of them when they're doubled over the toilet later."

I looked to Brian and smiled, glad it was me that would be doing that for him.

Val made four or five more different shot combinations, all with special names while the guys played (and missed more with each shot they drank).

"Stop making those food ones," Johnny said, stepping in for Matt who said he "sucked major dingus at this game anyway."

"Then I'll make you guys a serious one," Val said, looking determined.

"Who's gonna be the first out?" Gena asked. We looked at our men and thought about it.

"I'd put money on Johnny," I said.

"Yeah, me too," Lacey said, laughing.

"Way to have faith in me, I hear you," Johnny called. That made us laugh harder.

"Third Reich, motherfuckers," Valary said.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Jagermeister, cinnamon schnapps, and peppermint," Matt explained, steadying himself against the bus.

"It's actually pretty serious," Brian said, slurring a bit. Despite them all tripping over, they took the shots without question.

"Can I make another fun one now?" Val pouted, and Matt kissed her on top of her head.

"You make whatever your heart desires, baby," Matt said. I smiled. I was glad he was happy. I loved him, but maybe not how I thought. Anyway, I had Brian and I couldn't wait until we could act like that in public.

"Pineapple upside down cake," Valary said when she was done making the next ones, putting the bottles back in the crate. "Now you guys can stick to beer or Jack."

"Jack!" they all cheered, then took the new shots. They gave up on the beer pong and struggled to find the Jack bottle without help. Brian seemed to remember I was there, because he walked/stumbled over and kneeled down next to me.

"How you doing over here?" he asked, slurring more than before.

"Fine," I said, trying not to breathe in the smell that was on his breath.

"Just let me know when you wanna go to bed, okay?"

"I think she's old enough to put herself to bed, Bri," Gena said with an amused expression.

"Yeah, but-"

I cut him off. "I will, Brian. Go drink some more."

He nodded with his goofy smile. "Don't have to tell me twice." He staggered back over and Lacey leaned over to me.

"I'm glad you're back," she said. "We were all really scared for him when you were gone."

My heart started racing, but I tried to stay calm. "I didn't know you guys knew."

"It's not a big deal," Valary piped in. "Mental issues need care, and we're glad you're better now. But the entire time you were gone, he acted like it was his fault. How could he have caused schizophrenia?"

I didn't say anything as I looked back at him. So they really didn't know what happened, or at least to what extent. I drank the rest of my bottle and threw it out.

"I'm actually gonna head to the bus," I said to the girls. "If he notices, let him know." I tried my hardest to sound lighthearted, and I think it worked.

"All right, sleep well," Lacey said.

"If you ever need someone to talk to and would rather it not be one of the guys, you can always text me," Val said. "Matt can give you my number."

I smiled at her. "Thanks, Val. I'll see you guys tomorrow." I headed to the bus as quickly as I could before Brian saw. I went into our room, shutting all the doors leading to me, and laid down. I hated it when anyone brought up how bad Brian was while I was gone. It really was kind of his fault, but it still made me feel like it was mine.

I changed into shorts and a T-shirt of Brian's and crawled under the covers. Just as I was almost asleep, I jumped at the sound of Brian's name.

"Oh shit, Brian! Run!"

What?

I heard our bus door slam open and heavy, quick footsteps. Before I had time to stand up, I heard vomiting in the bathroom. I turned the light on in our room and knocked on the door.

"Brian?" I asked.

"Go back to bed, Courtney," Brian said groggily.

I rolled my eyes and opened the door. He was on his knees leaning over the toilet, his knuckles white from how hard he was holding onto the seat. I kneeled down next to him and started rubbing his back as he brought up more.

"A little too much, huh?" I asked. He looked at me with narrow eyes. "I'm kidding."

"I know," he whispered, resting his forehead on the porcelain. "Thank you."

"Of course." He took deep breaths for a minute or two until more came up.

"Michelle could never handle the smell of puke," he said weakily.

"I bet," I said. He chuckled.

"I remember one night," he started, "when I was sick for hours. I mean literally hours. I thought it was never gonna end, so I had to text her to bring me a pillow and blanket."

I thought about that for a second. "You never spent a night with her, Brian."

"No, I know, but it was when she was staying with me." He was drunk, he probably had no idea what he was saying, so I went with it.

"Oh yeah? When?"

"Just back in..." More puke, I continued drawing circles on his back. He coughed and wiped his mouth. "When was it? Right, May."

My hand stopped. "This past May?"

"Yeah, when else-" He stopped and his head shot up to look at me. I brought my hand to my chest and held it over my heart. It felt like it stopped and I didn't breathe for at least five seconds. It felt like my whole world was dying. Ourwhole world.

Brian was trying to process what he said. "Courtney," he said, "that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?" I asked, tears brimming and falling onto my cheeks. "Don't lie to me, Brian. Is that true?"

He held his hand over his mouth, contemplating what to say next. What came out was the last thing I wanted to hear.

"I'm sorry."

"So it's true?" I screamed. I covered my mouth and went back into our room, slamming the door shut and pulling my nightstand open. I wiped my eyes so I could see, but by the time I found the bottle I was looking for, another hand took them from my sight.

"Give them back to me," I said to Brian, walking toward him. He backed up.

"No, Courtney. You need to listen to me."

"Are you serious right now? Brian, I feel like I can't breathe! I feel like I'm dying, like my heart is gone. I can't listen to anything right now!"

"Courtney, I'm sorry," he said quietly, tears in his own eyes. "I thought you were never coming back to me. The doctors told me you weren't doing well and I thought I was going to lose you forever. I needed help, I thought I had to move on."

"So you fucked her?" I screamed. "And you let her live there?"

"Courtney, I am so fucking sorry! I wish I could take it back, I'm fucking sorry, Courtney. As soon as they told me things were improving I kicked her out!"

"I don't care, Brian! You lied to me!"

"I was going to tell you, baby-"

"Don't call me that," I said. He looked like I slapped him in the face.

"Don't say that," he whispered. "You are my baby, you know that."

"I don't care." I pulled the ring off and threw it at him. "I'm done with that. She can have it."

"Courtney," he breathed, "it's yours, not hers. I am yours. I didn't care about her. I needed to get over you because I was so in love with you and I couldn't handle it on my own. Don't you get it? I was drunk the entire time I was with her and I imagined it was you. You were my everything and you still are. Please don't do this."

"Get out," I said, wiping my eyes again. He took a step toward me and I held my hand out. He stopped. "Give me my pills."

"No," he said. "I'll give you two. No more."

I clenched my teeth. "Fine." He opened the bottle and shook two out, handing them to me. I took them and grabbed the water off his nightstand and swallowed them with a mouthful. I turned around to put the water back and he hugged me from behind. Instinctively I swung around and smacked him across the cheek. He brought his one hand to his face but kept the other on my hip so I pushed him back.

"I said get out," I said. He didn't move for a few seconds until he finally understood that I was being serious. He walked out and I slammed the door shut behind him. I tore his shirt off and threw it on the bed. I walked over to the closet and pulled out one of my baggy T-shirts, but something caught my eye on the floor.

The ring.

I picked it up and dropped it in Brian's nightstand drawer. I went back to my side and shut the light off, laying down. I reached my hand over to his side and felt another stab in my heart. This was really happening.

I pulled his pillow to my chest. It smelled just like him.

I cried into it for what felt like hours, screaming every so often when the pain became unbearable, until I drifted off to a restless sleep.

Notes

Obvious chapter title credit to A7X.
I was going to wait to post this until tomorrow, but I just had to post it now. I'm not 100% sure when I'll be able to update again, but I'll try my best.
I'm sorry for this chapter. My heart broke while I wrote it and even more when I read over it. Comment with what you're thinking, how you're feeling, what you think is next for Courtney and Brian and we'll work through this hard time together.
I've been posting stuff about the writing process and the future for this story so if you're into that, give me a follow. I'll answer asks, too.