Scream
Thoughtless
After dinner, I went back to my room and back on the laptop. Did anyone see the post? Should I wait longer before checking? Either way, I figured I could look through other posts and get some advice that way.
When I logged on, I was floored at my notifications. Twenty three comments and ninety two likes. I even had a couple messages. I checked the comments first and saw it was pretty even, half of the commenters said to move on while the other half said to try again. I checked the messages and they were longer, consisting of stories backing up why they felt they did. The one girl said she experienced the same exact thing that I wrote.
Sometimes time is all we need. Relationships need hardships to test themselves out. Also, if you're observing he is doing better, then he might actually be. Giving him another chance can't hurt if he's already on thin ice and he knows it.
But she doesn't get that it's my brother. That makes an insane difference.
Someone knocked on my door so I minimized the window before saying, "come in."
Matt opened the door and smiled. "I'm heading to bed, just wanted to say goodnight."
"Okay, goodnight. See you tomorrow," I said.
"Don't stay up too late on that thing."
I smiled and said, "Oh I don't know, these things are pretty great."
He nodded and backed out into the hallway, shutting the door. That was kind of weird. He was being cautious, why? Probably because of earlier.
I pushed that away and brought up the window again. I needed to focus on this.
I stared at that one message for a long time, going back and forth in my head what to do. This could break everything down. All the work, all the time. It could end it all.
But I couldn't just sit here and do nothing.
I went out into the hallway and to Brian's room, but he wasn't in there. I go downstairs but still nothing. Then I hear a guitar coming from the basement. I crept down quietly so I didn't disturb him, but he was just sitting in one of the rolly chairs, playing a random riff. He didn't hear me reach the bottom of those stairs, so I knocked on the wall to get his attention.
He spun around and smiled when he saw me. "Hey Court, what's up?"
My heart was pounding in my chest. "Um, can we talk?"
His face instantly turned serious and he set the guitar down in its stand. "Of course, are you okay?" He walked over to me and ushered me to the couch. I sat with my back to the armrest so I could face him. He positioned himself the same way.
"Court, are you okay?" he repeated.
"I don't know," I said in a whisper.
He took my hand in his and kept my stare. "Tell me what's going on."
I looked at our hands and swallowed back my nervousness. "That."
"What?" He didn't get it.
"Us." I looked back at his face, but his stare was so intense I couldn't hold it. "I can't do it."
"Hun, what do you mean?"
My eyes shut to keep back any tears. "I still love you, Brian."
His hands tensed and he didn't say anything. We sat in silence for what felt like forever.
"It's okay," he whispered so quietly I thought he didn't actually say it. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was looking down, but I wasn't sure what at. He must've felt my eyes on him, because he looked at me with a sad smile. "It's okay."
"What do I do?" I asked him, hardly audible. He squeezed my hand.
"Nothing."
"I can't, Brian-"
"We have to, Courtney," he said, raising his voice a little. "We don't have a choice."
"It doesn't feel right," I said. "I'm still in love with you."
His eyes widened and he let go of my hand to run his over his face and through his hair. "Well then."
I started to stand up. "I'm sorry, this was a mistake-"
He grabbed me and kept me in place. "No, it wasn't. I'm glad you're talking to me about this. This is really important."
I settled back on the couch. "I just thought you've been acting like-"
"I felt the same way?"
I nodded as more tears threatened to spill over.
He reached up and wiped them away. "Because I do." He let his hand linger there as I processed that. Things could go back to how they were before the last year happened. Was that what I wanted?
"What do we do?" I asked.
He shook his head. "I don't know, babe."
My heart fluttered when he said that. It made me feel safe, like I was finally home. I lifted my hand so it was resting over his.
"What do you want to do?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said. "I can't go back there. But I can't sit here and just not acknowledge this. I can't be away from you again."
He nodded. "Then whatever we do decide, we need to be careful. Matt isn't totally suspicious, we need to keep it that way, okay?"
I returned the nod and we slowly dropped our hands.
"You're in charge this time," he said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Whatever you want to do, I will do it. You just tell me. I don't want to pressure you into anything."
"Okay."
We sat there for a while, not too sure what to do next. Mainly because I didn't know what to do. He clearly has changed, because he was being incredibly patient.
"I just feel a lot better," I said. "I am literally breathing better."
Brian smiled and touched his hand to my cheek again. "Good."
I felt a surge of bravery. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. His hand tensed quickly but relaxed against my skin. I broke it off and he rested his forehead against mine.
"I missed you," he said shakily.
"I missed you, too," I said. As much as I wanted this, I knew I just wasted the entire last year. I shrugged that thought off and stood up somewhat abruptly. "But I'm going to go to bed."
Brian looked almost hurt at how quick I wanted to leave, but he just nodded. "Okay, goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Of course, yeah. Goodnight, Brian." I turned and walked back upstairs before I could screw anything else up. I felt bad for possibly hurting his feelings but I barely knew what I was doing. I collapsed onto my bed as soon as I made it there. I turned my light off, took my sleeping pill, and drifted to sleep without much more thought about tonight.
***
I woke up feeling different than the night before. Not because of my confession, but physically. I sat up and realized the computer was neatly on my desk and I was under the covers instead of on top. Someone must've came in at some point. I dropped back down on the pillow right before my door swung open.
"Get up, it's late," Matt called in.
"Fuck you, Matt," I groaned.
He chuckled. "Fight me, bitch."
I smiled. I wasn't that tired anymore, anyway. I stood up and shut my door to change, but then went downstairs to join in on the raucous fun I heard from my room. All the guys were here and someone was cooking. I walked to the dining room, rubbing my eyes.
"Hey, Court!" Zacky said cheerfully.
I opened my eyes and saw Brian across the table, looking at me. My heart stopped. I didn't know how to act or what to say.
I clearly didn't think this through.
I so glad theres sequel!!!!
10/11/16