Scream

As soon as we got home, I gave a lame excuse to get away from the guys and went to my room. I couldn't deal with them right now, my head was going to explode. I took a Xanax and laid down, hoping it would put me to sleep or at least help me relax.

Why am I freaking out?

Because you are a freak?

Oh, fuck off. Goddammit.

I took my time breathing as I felt my heart rate slow down gradually. Seriously, what was wrong with me? So we held hands, who cares? Don't normal siblings do that?

No.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled. Shit. I covered my face with my hands.

"Court?" Brian asked through the door. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"Can I come in?" Damn you, Brian.

"Yep." I heard my door open and weight next to me on the bed.

"What's going on?" he asked softly, touching his hand to my hand, lifting it off my face.

"Nothing, just... birds." He stared at me, then the window. He didn't believe me, I knew that.

"Maybe they're building a nest outside your window, I can knock it down--"

"No, don't," I sighed. "They need a home, too." His face softened but his eyes screamed agony. He knew exactly what happened, he just wasn't going to say anything. "Can I use your computer?"

"Sure, what for?"

"I haven't been on one in over a year." He nodded and walked out to his room and came back with a laptop I had never seen. "Is that new?"

"Yeah, I got it right after you left but I haven't used it much. You can keep it in here if you want."

"Thanks, Bri." I sat up and took it from his hands. He still had that damn look in his eyes. I set it down in front of me and he left again.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding as I waited for it to turn on. It brought me to a welcome screen with a place to type a password. I got up and went to the top of the stairs.

"Brian!" He came around the corner from the dining room. "What's the password?"

He chuckled. "Forgot about that." He pulled out his wallet and took out a little piece of paper. I met him halfway on the stairs to get it, then went back to my room, shutting my door behind me.

"Capital CIH, then 112894," I whispered to myself then stopped. His password was my initials and my birthdate. I crumpled the paper and threw it to the floor. Not like I'll forget it.

I didn't even know what I was doing. It's probably been more than a year since I used a computer. Once Brian became not so brotherly, he restricted my internet access out of fear, I'm assuming. I could only use it when he was around, but even then he said no a lot. But then I remembered something.

I clicked on the Google Chrome icon and then found the history. If he had my info as his password, he obviously spent more time thinking about me than he's admitting.

On the bright side there wasn't anything too incriminating, but there were a lot of links that took me to addiction rehabilitation and information on schizophrenia. What kind of addiction did he have? Was he drinking more or smoking more?

Or was it a person, not a thing?

I closed out of that and rubbed my eyes until I saw stars. I thought things would be easier once I got out.

"Hey."

I jumped and spun around. Matt was standing in the doorway.

"I knocked, like, three times," he said. I relaxed again.

"Sorry, I was thinking," I said as he shut the door and sat next to me.

"How are you?"

I looked down. "Tired, I guess."

"I heard you yell at no one earlier. You really upset Brian--"

"Well, he upset me, so good."

"What do you mean?" he asked, suddenly defensive.

"Matt," I said, meeting his stare, "his computer password was my initials and birthdate." His jaw tensed as I opened his history back up. "And look at all this stuff."

He read through it and sighed. "This is all spanning the last year, Court."

"So? The most recent ones were a week ago! He said he never used this thing, he lied to me--"

"Slow down," he murmured. "He probably didn't remember or think it mattered."

"Addiction, Matt? Since when? Or was it me?"

"Shh," he put his finger to his lips. He looked at the door and then back to me. "I don't know. Maybe both. He drank a lot and... we caught him buying cocaine at one point."

My jaw dropped and I felt tears brim my eyes. "What?"

"He said he never did it and that was gonna be his first time. He was depressed. It was after Jimmy, but he was always thinking about you. He was dealing with a lot."

I sat back against my pillows. I didn't know what to say.

"I have to get back downstairs, but maybe you should try the same thing," he said.

"Cocaine?" I asked.

"No, of course not," he said with a dimpled smile. "Some of those sites were forums and support groups. Maybe you could find something. They're usually anonymous for the most part, and you can say as much or as little as you want."

I thought about it. "I think I will. Thanks, Matt." He gave me a side hug.

"You need to relax. I know it's easier said than done, but try." He went back downstairs and I went on Google. What kind of forum should I even try? I guess the schizophrenia is a good start.

Plenty of sites came up, but one in particular caught my attention. It didn't even have to do with schizophrenia, but the post that brought me to it was written by someone with a boyfriend that had the illness and she worried if he'd ever abuse her. The people replying seemed nice, and before I knew, I was writing my own post.

I need some help. I was in a relationship with someone older. He wasn't always the nicest; it bordered on abuse a lot of the time, especially in the sexual sense. But other times he was the sweetest and he cared for me so much. I love him, but I know I shouldn't be with him. I currently live with him. He says he's better after we spent some time apart, but I don't know what to do. Should I go elsewhere, or try again? - WronglyLoved

I took a deep breath and submitted it. Afterwards, I deleted anything from the history that I did just in case Brian thought to look. Right before I closed the internet tab, I saw an ad on the side of the page that brought me to a YouTube video. It was of a song called "Sandpaper" by Fozzy featuring Matt. I turned it on and loved it instantly.

"Oh god," I heard Matt say from outside the door. He opened it and looked at me. "You found that?"

"Yeah," I said, "it's really good, Matt. When was this?"

"I wanna say a couple months ago it was released."

"Why didn't you tell me? This is so good, I love it!"

He blushed, which was the cutest thing I'd seen in a long time. "I did a few projects like that after you left," he said quietly, then met my eyes. "We all had our different ways of coping with what happened with you and Jimmy. That was mine." He came in and turned the computer toward him, typing something else in. He put on another song he was featured in by Hell or Highwater called "Go Alone."

"I missed out on so much," I whispered. Matt hugged me tight.

"You're here now, that's all that matters."

Notes

I kinda forgot this website existed, sorry about that. But caught up again with the Mibba version.
Tumblr where I post about writing and gladly accept & appreciate motivation.