Scream

I stared at him for a few seconds before I could say anything.

"What?" That was the best I could do.

"What if you came on tour with us?" he said slowly. I shook my head.

"Brian, I can't. What about school?"

"We can get you enrolled in cyber school, we'll get you a good laptop and you can do your stuff on the bus."

"That sounds insane. I can't live on a bus with you!" Shit, I should've thought that out before I said it, because his expression instantly turned hurt.

"Why not?" His voice was barely a whisper. I slapped my hands over my eyes and ran them through my hair.

"I didn't mean it like that," I defended, staring down.

"Are you sure, Courtney? 'Cause it really sounded like you did-"

"I didn't! Brian, I didn't..."

He got up and walked out. What did I do? Fuck! I'm home for two hours and I already screwed everything up. I stayed there for a few minutes before I heard a knock. I looked up and saw Matt standing there.

"Is he upset?" I asked, feeling so insanely guilty. He nodded.

"Yeah, what did you say?" I shook my head, so he sat down next to me.

"I basically referenced... you know." I kept my head down, but I could feel the tension radiating.

"Why?" I jumped up.

"I don't know! I'm so stupid, I didn't think and now he hates me!"

"He could never hate you, Court. You're his sister." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"He wants me to go on tour with you guys." Matt gave a disapproving look.

"Did he think that idea through?" I shrugged. He thought about it for a few seconds. "Like you guys haven't spent any time together, who's to say he's actually... cured?"

I felt a chill go through me. "Please don't say that, Matt. Please don't even think that's possible."

"But it is, Court," he whispered, glancing at the door. "He hasn't done or said anything to make me think he would, but he also hasn't done anything to make me think he won't." He had a point, and I hated it.

"I can't stay here while you guys are gone for however long, either."

"Do you trust him?"

My head fell back as I stared at the ceiling. "God, I don't know. I trust myself." I looked back at him, "and it's been almost a year. We both had a lot of time to figure everything out."

"You're right, you did." He got up and stood in front of me. "You grew up so much, you know that?" I smiled as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "We missed you so much."

"I missed you guys, too." We both walked out of the room and found Brian sitting alone at the kitchen table.

"Did the guys leave already?" I asked him. It hurt knowing I was only talking about two guys now instead of three.

"Yeah," Brian said, looking hard at something on his phone. I looked around.

"All right, then I am going to go upstairs and unpack my stuff." Brian didn't say anything.

"Let me know if you get hungry, maybe we can order something," Matt said.

"Sounds good." I went back upstairs and into my room. Or what used to be my room, at least.

It is still my room, of course. But it didn't feel the same. There wasn't any dust or anything that would prove I really had been gone for a year. Maybe that's what felt wrong about it. As I ran my hand along shelf, I heard a knock at the door.

"I cleaned in here yesterday," Brian said quietly as I turned around to face him. I smiled.

"Thanks. Otherwise I'd probably be sneezing and everything would be grey." Brian chuckled.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." He walked toward my bed. "Mind if I sit down?"

"No, go ahead." I went over to my two suitcases Brian brought in earlier as he sat down. I unzipped them and started taking some stuff out. I put my three pill bottles on the nightstand, to which Brian frowned.

"You're still on those?" He picked them up and started looking at them.

"Well, they're all for something different. The Xanax is for anxiety as needed, the Zoloft is every morning for depression, and then the Seroquel is for the... um..."

"The schizophrenia," he finished.

"Yeah," I muttered. I still wasn't totally comfortable associating that condition with me. I doubted Brian was, either. I finished taking everything out while he just watched. I put my clothes away and took the toiletries to the bathroom. When I came back he hadn't moved.

"Can we talk?" he asked me. Shit.

"Yeah, of course." I sat next to him and waited. His eyebrows were furrowed as if he was thinking about something.

"I don't even know how to say it," he started and sighed, looking at me. "Are we okay?"

I looked back confusedly. "Yes? I mean... I guess, why?"

He took my hand in his, holding my stare and squeezed. "I missed you. So much. And I missed this, just being with you." Fuck fuck fuck. "I know I'm better than I was a year ago. But I also know I will never fully get over us and what we had. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nodded. "I think so, yeah," I croaked.

"But I will not let myself lose you again, okay? I will do whatever I have to do just to keep you with me. Even if that means torturing myself in the process. I had to live without you for far too long, I can't do it again."

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded again. He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. Then he leaned forward and kissed my forehead and placed his hand on my cheek. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't getting nervous.

"I love you, Courtney," he whispered against my skin. I closed my eyes to keep the tears back. I couldn't say it back. Not now.

He let out a shaky breath and left the room. I heard the bathroom door shut only seconds later along with the shower start up. I hung my head and let out the breath I was unknowingly holding. I needed to find Matt.

He was on the couch watching some Western style movie. When he saw me he muted it and smiled. I sat next to him and blurted it out.

"Brian just basically told me he wished things were the way they used to be." I felt his stare, so I continued. "But that he knows if he did anything, I would leave again. And he doesn't want to lose me permanently."

"I mean..." He rubbed his face with his hands tiredly. "Did we expect different?"

"No," I agreed, "but I was hoping that him actually saying it wouldn't happen, either."

"Me too. But he did. What are you gonna do now?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. What do you think I should do?"

"Do you trust him?"

"Matt, I already answered that-"

"But I'm asking again after what just happened. Do you trust him now?"

I thought about it for a minute until we heard the shower water shut off. I looked at him and whispered, "Less than I did before."

Notes