I watched the blood running down the front of my leg from the new cuts i had made to my upper thigh. I knew what I was doing was stupid but in my eye's it was better than popping pills all the time. the water stung the cuts but I welcomed the pain. This had been the first shower I had taken since I got home from the hospital a week and a half ago.So needless to say I felt pretty gross. I ignored every one's calls and had Lilli tell anyone who came over to see me to leave. Ava and I hadn't even spoken since the hospital.
Today I was supposed to go to into work but yet again I told my boss I couldn't come in. Thankfully He didn't fire me. I'm glad he understood.
I wasn't even really functioning, just going through the motions. The topper on it all was yesterday was the funeral. I tried to go but my grandma had 2 cops escort me back to my car.

*"FUCK YOU"! I yelled at her trying to get out of the grip of the 2 cops practically dragging me to my car.
" YOUR NOT WELCOME YOU LITTLE SLUT! WE DON'T NEED YOU TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF HER"! God if I was any closer I would have hit her.
"SHE MAY BE YOUR DAUGHTER BUT SHE IS MY MOTHER. IT IS MY RIGHT"! I didn't hide the angry tears pouring down my face.
I looked at the faces of family members I hadn't seen in years. I can't remember the last time I had been this pissed off in a long time.
"IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU FINALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER AFTER ALL THIS TIME OF HOPING SHE WOULD DIE FROM CANCER. MOTHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR"!*
Stupid bitch.

I sighed turning off the water. I stepped out . I quickly dried my self off. I did the rest of my morning routine. Brushed my teeth, put on deodorant and pulled on a pair of baggy black sweats that were 4 sizes to big and barely stayed up on my hips, then put on a white F.S.U t shirt that showed off my candy land tattoo. I dried my hair so it wasn't dripping. I didn't need black water droplets scattered around my carpet. I caught my reflection in my bathroom mirror not surprised in my appearance. I had dark circles around my eye's. I looked sick.I looked like I hadn't slept in day's, which was the truth. I maybe had slept 5 hours total in the last week and a half. I hadn't really been eating. I had already lost weight I could tell. I was pretty slim and had a fast metabolism so it was pretty easy to tell. Cigarette's and beer were pretty much what I was consuming. Not the healthiest things to be consuming but it was all I really wanted.
"God". I scoffed turning away and walking out into my bedroom. "I look hideous".
"Your gorgeous babe"! Lilli said catching me off guard causing me to jump.
"Jesus you scares the shit out of me". I said , my heart racing. she giggled.
"You do look really tired though".
"I am. I haven't really been sleeping". I walked past her to my bed side table and grabbed a half smoked cigarette I snuffed out earlier. "or eating".
"I know. I actually had a question to ask you. Just letting you know if you say no your getting kidnapped anyways". I rolled my eye's.
"What is your question"? I took a drag off my cigarette, the smoke burning the back of my throat.
"Well". She said walking farther into my room and sat down on the end of my bed. "I'm going to the bar with the guy's in a bit and I...We were wondering if you would go"?
I opened my mouth to speak but she cut me off.
"You've been locked up in your room for almost 2 weeks. I know what just happened is really hard to deal with right now but you do need to start getting back to your life. Sorry if it sound's harsh but honey life does go on you know". I just looked at her. I knew she was right but nothing this major, or heartbreaking had happened in a long time.
"I know how you feel. Remember when I lost my dad"? I shook my head hearing the sadness in her voice.
"He was the only parent I had, just your mom was the only parent you really had. He was everything to me, and when he died I thought my life was over. It took me so long to be able and go out in society and function normally again. It's hard and it's going to be. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Sometimes I cry because I miss him so much". She sighed.
"She wouldn't want you to stop your life and drop everything just because she's gone. It get's easier but it never get's better. Everything takes time. I'm not asking you to go out and put on this act like everything's okay and your fine, but just go out get your mind off thing's for a little while and spend some time with people". She looked at me waiting for an answer.
"You can't keep dwelling on this. Life goes on". Her tone was a little more harsh.
"I'm so fucking sorry I just can't get over the death of my mom. Even though it just happened I need to get the fuck over it"! I snapped walking over to my door.
"At least you got to go to your father's funeral. I had to cop's practically drag me back to my car when I showed up because my fucking grandma is a bitch"! I could feel tear's falling down my cheek's.
"My family is gone. Ava and Candi are all I have left. You have a family that supports you and what ever you . They don't care about the choices you've made or the ones your going to. I don't have that"! I choked. God I just wanted to have a day where I didn't cry. I hated it when people saw me cry. I hated crying altogether.
"I didn't mean to piss you off Harlow. Just the guy's haven't seen you and Brian keeps calling me asking if he can come see you. I'm kind of tired of telling them no and especially him. He always sound's bummed when I tell him you don't want to see anyone".
"what? why does he keep asking about me"? I knew he was probably worried about me.
"well he's worried about you, just like the rest of us obviously. He also broke up with Ashely".
Did i hear that right?
"he broke up with her seriously"? I asked in disbelief. I sniffled.
"Yea he broke up with her the night your mom died. I guess they got in a big fight after she called you a.........cunt". I just chuckled. That word did not bother me when someone called me it, well actually it depends on the situation really. cunt is just another word for vagina. It makes me laugh when girls girl's take offense to that word.
"OK then". I rolled my eye's wiping the tears off my cheek.
"yea kinda what I said. She was stupid anyways".
"Just a tad". I put the cigarette butt in the ashtray that was on my dresser. "She think I was fucking him"?
Lilli stood and walked over to me.
"She was convinced you guy's had dated and he still had feeling's for you".
"Where the hell did she get an idea like that"? I asked. OK, seriously what girl wouldn't want to date a guy like Brian. He's gorgeous, funny, sweet, but he has had a tendency to go from girl to girl rather quickly.
"I think she's just jealous. She's a fugly bitch and your super model pretty". Lilli said hugging me.
"Yea OK". I said sarcastically.

"you sure you don't want to come with us"? Jimmy asked standing next to Matt, Val, Lilli, Johnny and Zacky. All dressed and ready to hit the bar. Brian hadn't come with them.
"Yea. I'm just not really up to going out tonight". I looked at them trying my best to put on a smile.
I had to admit it was nice to see them. They had bombarded me with hug's. Jimmy hugged me for what seemed like almost an hour. They had also managed to get a couple laughs out of me.
"If you change your mind I will come pick you up.....if I'm not drunk". Jimmy said walking over to me and kissing the top of my head.
"OK".
Val walked over to me and hugged me.
"If he can't I will okay"?
"thanks". I smiled.
"LOVE YOU"! they all called in unison.
Once they left I figured I should probably call my sister and see how she's holding up. Seeing as I hadn't talked to her since the hospital.
I dialed her number and sighed waiting for her to pick up. I felt bad for not talking to her, but she could have always called me.
"Hello"? She said laughing."I know. no there about to show up. hello"?
"Hey". I heard what sounded like Slayer blaring in the back ground.
"Oh hey Harlow"Ashe didn't really sound to happy.
"I just wanted to see how you were doing. From the sound of it just fine".
"Uh...yea actually i am so.." For some one who's mom just died she didn't really seem to care.
"Oh OK well I will.." I didn't 4even get a chance to finish before she hung up on me.
"The fuck"? I looked at my phone instantly annoyed . "Whatever bitch". I set my phone on the coffee table eyeing my pack of cigarette's. I just had one not even 10 minutes ago. I think I had gone threw at least a carton and a half in the last week and a half. At this rate I would probably start having to smoke exeter's....or decades..........EWWW!
IT wasn't long before I heard a knock at the door.
"What did they forget". I groaned standing and walking over to the door.
When I opened the door I couldn't help but smile.