I woke up feeling funny. My head was swimming and my body kind of ached. Where ever I was, it was nice and warm and it wasn’t outside at all. I looked around and saw a white wall, the light blinding me and I heard guitar. I looked over and saw a man hunched over a guitar playing and humming softly. I was on a leather couch with a blanket on top of me.
My adjusted to the darkness and I saw the hunched man was actually Zacky, which freaked me out.
“Ah!” I screamed and sat up and tried to get up but tripped and ended up falling face first on the floor.
“Whoa there,” I heard Zacky say. His guitar was set down and his hands were on my arms trying to help me up but I didn’t want his help. What in the world happened? Why was I here in his house? My parents were going to kill me, that and my twin. They were going to have my head on the dinner table for sure, “Calm down baby,” I heard him say. No! No! He can’t be calling me that! Not ever!
I shrugged my hands off of my shoulders and hurried to my feet, turning to see a look of hurt on his face. Good, I was glade that he was hurt. He lied to me! He made me think that he was someone my age! That he was someone that could care for me. It was one thing that he was older then me and my parents friend but he was making me fall for someone that didn’t even exist really.
I needed to calm down, the voices were raging in my head and I really didn’t want this to go far. I didn’t want to freak out tonight. I just wanted this to be normal again. I wanted for these lies to stop so that my head would calm down for once.
I sat back down onto the couch and put my head in my hands and took in deep breathes. I needed to calm down before something happened to Zacky. I didn’t want to hurt him which I knew that I would if I didn’t calm down. There was so many things going through my head. How can he do something like this to me? I thought that he wanted to be friends, that it was just me. But then talking to Z. Bat, it was totally different. He would call me them names, he would help me. Why…?
“Well,” I said with a sigh, “I feel stupid,” I whispered. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I didn’t want to be around him. It seemed like he lied to me, that everything was going to come crashing down around me now. I was going to lose my family, I was going to lose my friends, I am going to lose Brook. She was going to kill herself, I know she was. If she finds anything out about this, she was going to die.
The voices weren’t helping at all. They were screaming at me again, telling me that I fell for a lie. That he hated me, that he was laughing at me and wanted nothing to do with me anymore. They told me to kill him, they told me to cut. They told me so many things.
“Shut up,” I whispered. I rocked myself back and forth trying to calm down my breathing. I didn’t want to pass out, I wanted to go home and forget about all of this. I wanted to forget that everything happened.
“Babe I-”
“Don’t talk to me!” I yelled at him, coming to my feet. I looked down to Zacky with my fists clenching. I didn’t want him near me, this was all his fault. He was the one that brought all of this up. I was confused about so many things, I was so scared. I gripped onto my head turning away from Zacky screaming at them to shut up, clawing at the carpet.
“Shut up!” I screamed, “Leave me alone!” I looked up and saw demons crowding around me, them mocking me and laughing. I started to swing punches at them, them yelling at me. I came down to my knees finally, feeling my body tremble. I felt arms around me and I turned to him and I cried in his chest. I felt him pull me onto his lap and he held me. Just like I have always wanted. I felt safe and secure with him.
He was rocking me, whispering to the voices causing me to clench onto his soft shirt.
“Shut up and leave him alone,” He whispered to them, “He is loved and no matter what, everything is going to be alright. He can’t die, he’s to precious,” He whispered. Him saying that made my heart skip a beat. I never really heard anyone besides my parents calling me precious. I held onto him though, feeling myself relax in his arms. I have always pictured it like this, like in the car when he told me to imagine him holding me.
“Thank you,” I whispered to him. I felt him kiss the top of my head which made me tense. He was my uncle, that’s all he was. Even though he wasn’t related to me, that’s who he was to me and he needed to stay like that.
I pulled out of his arms and stood, looking down to him. He looked hurt kind of but he stood and I grabbed my jacket that I flung off trying to hit a demon that was inside my head.
“I want to go home,” I muttered. I didn’t even wait for an answer from him, I just left out of the room and went upstairs to the hallway and headed for the door.
“Wes, wait,” He called after me. I stopped and took in a deep breath.
“What?” I growled looking behind me. I wasn’t even give him my full attention. He deserved none of it.
“ I can explain, just please…” He said.
“No, I don’t want to hear anything from you, just…take me home,” I said. Without him saying anything else, I walked out of the house and into his car. I didn’t want to hear anything from him. I didn’t want to hear anything else but the revving of the engine and of course someone yelling at me when I got home.
I pulled out my phone and saw several texts from my twin and my baby brother and then my mom and dad of course. They were ticked. Even though my mom and dad were really awesome to be with when they were drunk, they can sober up pretty quick. I sighed, knowing that I was probably grounded again but that wouldn’t stop from me having to go to the show this weekend which meant more Zacky which I was going to avoid when I could.
Zacky came in the car and looked to me before starting the car and pulling out of the driveway. I looked over and saw him tapping his thumb on the steering wheel deep in thought. I could see the anger in his eyes and I could tell that he was mad at me. I didn’t want him to be mad at me which that also brought me into negative thinking. I didn’t like it when people were mad at me, I hated it. It made the voices worse for me. I looked out the window, taking in another deep breath and started to hum along to a radio that was playing.
“You sound beautiful,” I heard him say. This actually made me laugh. I looked over to him and saw a frown on his face. “What was so funny about that?” He asked me concern. I heard the hurt in his voice and found something new to blame myself on. I hurt him again and this was all my fault.
Just like everything else.
“Nothing,” I said quickly and looked out the window not even brothering to hum or nothing. I was going to stray quit not matter what.
What he brought me home, I got out and made my away to the door and came inside seeing my family in the kitchen just sitting there. My brother was playing his PS3, my sister looking down to her pone every two seconds and my parents talking lightly. When I shut the door though, they all looked in my direction. I was in for it good. I was going to die tonight.
Well at least I can say that I wasn’t going to die a virgin, screwed that up today.
“Where in the heck have you been?” My father growled suddenly standing from his chair, nearly knocking it backwards. My mother stood along with him as my sister and brother stayed there. Zacky came in from outside and my father’s eyes darted to him, “What in the h-”
“Jimmy calm down,” Zacky said standing beside me. He was really close to me and it was making my body tense up, “He was out walking so I picked him up,” Zacky said. It sounded so smooth but we both knew that it was a lie.
My dad sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “Thanks Zacky,” He said gently. Zacky nodded and told him that he would see us tomorrow which I wasn’t looking forward to at all. When Zacky left, my parents looked down to me and my mother just came and hugged me. I just stood there, not wanting to be bothered. She let go after a while and I brushed past them and walked up to my room and shut the door.
Ever since my incident in here, I wasn’t able to lock my door anymore. I knew that it wasn’t going to help anything at all. I took off my jacket and threw it on the floor and grabbed my phone from my pocket and set it on my nightstand to charge over the night and took off my shirt, looking down to the wrapped gauze that I had around my arm.
I remembered how it felt to cut, the satisfactory of it. The blood coming out of my arm, letting it drip down onto my feet. It felt good to feel something other then the pain in my heart and even in my head. The voices would love me after I would do that. They loved me when I did something like this.
I felt that tingling sensation going up my arm, the voices coxing me into it.
“Just go do it,” They whispered. So, I did. I went and found the blade underneath the desk and went to my bathroom and let them help me through it. When I was finished, I opened my eyes and saw the two cuts that I made, seeing the blood and feeling the paper cut stings. I was crying, I listened to them again without me realizing it.
When I was done bandaging it up, I came to my bed and stripped down to my boxers and crawled onto my bed, screaming into my pillow. Tonight wasn’t my night. I just wanted this to be over. I wanted all of this to just end.
I turned out my light and covered myself up with my blankets and looked at my phone before I went to bed. Z. Bat, or Zacky now texted me. It was a long message but it made me happy. It made me so happy to hear from him.
Zacky: Wesley, I wanted to say that I was sorry. I should of told you who I was before I talked to you but I was scared that you wouldn’t be close to me. That we wouldn’t be friends anymore. I really want to talk to you Wes. I want to explain everything. I really like you, I have since I found out that I was gay. I mean…baby I am sorry about everything. Please talk to me. I’ll see you tomorrow beautiful. It felt good to hold you in my arms.
Me: I’m scared Zacky. I’m hurt that it seemed that you lied to me and because I am trying to figure myself out. I don’t feel good and the voices are going insane. Maybe we should stay friends for now. I don’t know but yes, I will see you tomorrow.
I sighed and placed my phone on my nightstand and closed my eyes, letting a tear come down my face.