Being home was the best thing that I could do from Wednesday till Friday. Nothing really went on, just talked to Z. Bat a lot and got to know him more. Said he liked music and played the guitar. He couldn’t wait to meet me tonight and I was excited. My sister was keeping an eye on me a lot, my little brother was too. They were always so protective of me, never wanting me to get hurt. Then Brook, well we became closer to one another, friend wise. I thought that there was something that was growing in between us but I wasn’t sure what it was.
My mom was the only one that knew about my crush about Zacky and stuff, I just hope she wouldn’t spill the beans to my dad. I didn’t want him to have a heart attack over me. I sighed, laying in my bed, just waking up on Friday morning. I looked at the time and saw that it was nine in the morning, I was way to excited to sleep. A new message from Facebook woke up up, hearing the beep from underneath my pillow.
I quickly pulled it from underneath and looked and saw that it was Brook. My smile fell, I didn’t want it to be her, I wanted it to be Z. Bat telling me good morning. I wanted to feel special this morning. But hearing from Brook was becoming more annoying then anything. She was my friend, she wasn’t meant to be my girlfriend.
Brook: Morning baby
Me: Morning my love
I sighed saying this, it was hurting me telling her this and it was going to hurt her a lot more when she finds out that this was all just a lie. I was hating myself, I was really hating myself. I could just stop all of this before it would get any worse but I knew that it wasn’t going to happen like that. I was going to get myself into deep then it was all going to be away from me.
Brook: What are you doing tonight?
Me: Going to go and meet a friend.
My heart was racing, if she wanted to do something with me, I totally just messed it up and she was going to be depressed all day long, maybe even get hurt.
Brook: Can I skip school to be with you?
Me: If you can, my parents want me to hang low for a while since I freaked Wednesday. Mom went to work and dad’s with his friends so I guess you can.
It would actually be really nice if I got to spend time with her. I would be with my friend and not all alone in the house. She agreed that she would be over here in a while and I turned onto my side and looked at my phone, praying that Z. Bat would text me. I really just wanted to talk to him, he was growing on me.
I closed my eyes and thought about me being with him tonight, how amazing it was going to be. To finally see him, to hug him possibly. Then my thoughts went to kissing him and I felt my stomach tighten and the thoughts laugh at me. I opened my eyes and curled myself into a ball, I needed to stop these. I had no one here with me, if I decided to kill myself, it would be perfect and I could satisfy these voices.
I actually really just wanted Brook to hurry up. I needed her here before something bad happens. Either that or Z. Bat. I sighed, gripping onto the pillow and took a deep breath. When my phone beeped, I carefully grabbed it and looked and saw that it was Z. Bat. I felt a smile on my face, the voices leaving my head a bit.
Z. Bat: Tonight is the night love, I hope to see you
Me: You will baby, I am so excited, I can’t stop thinking of you
Z. Bat: Neither can I my dear Wesley, I will see you tonight my love, I need to go.
“No!” I called out. I didn’t want him to leave me! I groaned and put my phone in my pocket and got out of the bed. It was only 9: 23 in the morning, this was going to be the longest day of my life.
I got dressed into a pair of jeans and a band shirt, put on my glasses and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a demon behind me, my heart racing in my chest. I wish that this stupid head illness would just go away, I didn’t want them anymore. It was hell for me.
“Just cut yourself Wes,” It said. It looked like a perfect human, well besides the red eyes that were staring into mine through the mirror. He smiled at me, putting his hand on my shoulder. All I wanted was for Brook to walk through my bedroom door and to say hello to me just so that this monster would go away.
“I don’t want to,” I said to the monster. His smile faded and I felt his arms around me, his chin on my shoulder.
“You would do it for me, wouldn’t you? I mean, you would do anything for Zacky,” He whispered to me. Zacky? I looked away from him, looking down at the sink. He was right, I would do anything for him. Wednesday night he came over and he was acting…different. Including around me. He was talking to me a lot more and we were opening up to one another. Our family was at our house watching movies and Zacky and I were sitting close to one another and I had this urge to cuddle up to him. I didn’t know if it would be weird if I did, he was my ‘uncle’ but I didn’t. Then Thursday, we went out for a walk, walking side by side. I think this monster was actually right, I would do anything for him.
When I looked back into the mirror though, I looked into the eyes of perfection. I saw his smile smiling at me, his smile stretching on his face. His black hair falling in his face. I felt my heart melt inside of me. It was Zacky, his arms wrapped around my waist, his lips kissing my neck gently.
“Please do it for me, Wes, you know you want to,” He whispered in my ear. I felt this feeling in my arms and around my body that made me want to cut, I was itching to do it, “Come on baby, it’s ok, it helps, trust me,” He whispered to me again and kissed my neck. Shivers ran down my spine feeling his soft lips on my neck. I needed to do this, for him.
So, I actually did. I went into my desk drawer and underneath the desk was razors tucked away in a sheaf. I looked down at it and came back to the bathroom, seeing Zacky sitting on the toilet with a smile on his face as he stood.
“It’s alright baby,” He said and grabbed my hand. His lips kissing my palm and I felt shivers running down my spine, a smile creeping on my face.
“For you,” I whispered. I looked up to him and gave him a small smile before turning my wrist over and setting the blade on my skin.
“That’s it baby, deeper,” He told me. So, I did. When I was finished, I looked up to see him gone, only hearing the voices in my head, their laughter echoing in my mind. I looked down to my wrist in disbelief, did this just happen?
“Wesley?” I heard Brook come inside the house. I started to panic. I quickly came and washed my arm under the sink, grabbing gauze from the drawer and wrapping my wrist up as best as I could and found a jacket and slipped it on before she could find me in my room.
“Hey,” I said happily. I was actually happy to see her, I really did need her right now. My head was a mess and I just wanted to be with my best friend. She smiled her beautiful smile to me and I came and hugged her.
“How is my beautiful girl?” I asked taking her hand and setting her on the bed beside me. She came and put her head on my shoulder.
“Good, just want to be with you,” She said and I could hear the smile on her face. I ran my fingers through her hair mindlessly, holding her other hand. I loved these little moments with her. But every time I would close my eyes, I would think of Z. Bat or Zacky. I hated it sometimes then I would go through this cycle of panics and such.
“I missed you baby,” I said and kissed the top of her head. Her arms wrapped around my waist and she snuggled closer with me.
“I missed you too baby, so much,” She whispered to me. I wanted so bad to fall in love with her, to stop these lies inside my head. I didn’t want this anymore, I wanted all of this to stop. I sat there thinking of a million ways that would make me fall in love with her. That’s all I wanted, I wanted to fall in love with Brook.
So, I did. Well, I tried. I lifted her chin up so that our eyes would meet. I smiled down to her, my stomach going into knots. I didn’t want to do this, my head screaming at me, the voices yelling and screaming at me. My heart was breaking. I came down and I kissed her. I kissed her with all the nothingness that I had inside of me. I felt her kiss me back, her moving her arms around my neck. I didn’t stop kissing her though, instead, I deepened it. I moved my tongue inside her mouth, it feeling very exciting to me but then again, it felt sickening.
What I did though made me feel worse. I made love to her, I tried to fall in love with her but in the end, I laid beside her panting and her snuggling up to me, telling me that she loves me. That I was hers forever. I knew that I just did the most stupidest thing of my life just now.
~
I was walking down the street, my hands shoved in my pockets. Brook had left by the time school was out so that her dad wouldn’t freak out. My parents still weren’t home, my sister and my brother were home doing whatever and I told them that I was going out for a walk. Of course my twin hated the idea but let me go anyways. Mom and dad were probably going to come home drunk since it was Friday so, I was off the hook.
I thought about Brook a lot, how I just used her for my own pleasure. It was a plan to fall in love but then it just turned into pure pleasure. I wasn’t in love with her, I just made love to my best friend, it was sick! The voices just got worse and I had to take a couple more pills then usual to make it die down. This was just a horrible start from the beginning but I felt that once I met Z. Bat, then everything was going to change.
I got to the park, asking Z. Bat where he was. He told me that he was at this pond which was actually the same pond that my dad chased this huge stallion duck in. I smiled, pulling my hood up and walked to the pond, but when I heard his voice, I froze in shock. I didn’t even want to turn around. The voices were laughing at me, telling me so many things.
“Turn around Wesley,” He chuckled. When I did, I saw him standing in the moon light. My jaw dropped, the voices laughing and telling me that I was stupid. That everything was going to just get worse for me. They were laughing so much, screaming and my body couldn't take it, and fainted.