I woke up feeling something hitting my arm. I opened my eyes and saw my twin glaring down at me with her arms crossed. What was her problem? I grabbed my blankets and put them over my face mumbling for her to go away, it was way to early in the morning for her to be here.
“Get up, we need to talk,” She said angrily.
“Sis, it’s nine in the morning on a Saturday,” I told her.
“I don’t care!” She said and started to cuss me out. I got out of my bed and shoved her, yelling at her to shut up. She wasn’t my boss and she knew how easily mad I got. Who in the world did she think she was? My mother? No, my mother was more messed up then this. My sister looked at me with a blank stare for a while before she shoved me back. I was getting out raged.
“Knock it off, Sam, leave me the heck alone,” I growled and pushed her back.
“I only care about you and you lying,” She growled shoving me again. I stumbled back and caught my balance, the voices raging in my head. They were telling me to kill her and I had nothing holding me back from doing something like this. I would kill my twin without any hesitation.
“What are you talking about?” I asked her through gritted teeth.
“You!” She yelled, “Your sneaking around mom and dad and your lying about it!” she yelled at me. Her face with red with anger and it was just making everything worse. She knew that there was something up and I wasn’t going to tell her. I was never going to tell anyone. It was me and Zacky’s business, ours and ours alone.
“Shut up Sam, it’s none of. Your. BUISNESS!” I screamed at her. I was filled with rage, the voices were itching at me to attach her, for anything to happen. I should kill her just so that she would shut up. She was always acting like she was the boss of me. That I was a child. I hated her, I hated everything about my twin. I didn’t care that she was my sister, she was dead to me. I could kill her right now and not have a guilty conscious over it.
“You know it’s true! And look at you!” She yelled and pointed to my arm. I looked down and saw the gauze around my arms, seeing some blood on it and felt my face fall. There was a lot of blood and this weird feeling inside of me told me that I could die. But, that wasn’t none of my twin’s business. She didn’t know what happened, she didn’t know anything, “Your cutting yourself now?!”
“I said SHUT UP! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I GO THROUGH!” I screamed at her. I was sick and tired of her. I was sick of all of this. She didn’t know what I was going through, no one but my mother did. She was so lucky that I didn’t go and kill her right now. I wanted so bad to satisfy the voices again. To tell them that they were right, that they have always been right.
“Doesn’t mean you need to kill yourself!” She yelled with tears streaming down her eyes. I know that I was scaring her but none of that was computing to me right now. I couldn’t careless what kind of pain she was in. I knew that if she said something bad, I was going to jump and kill her. I was going to have my hands wrapped around her neck and I was going to kill her.
“Only to kill these voices I will!” I yelled and came closer to her, “You don’t know what it’s like. Y-”
“Your scaring me,” She whispered. I looked to my sister, not caring what she was saying, “You’re a freak,” She whispered. This got my attention. How can my sister tell me this? My own twin? I saw red, the next thing I know, I am standing with blood on my hands, my vision blurring. My dad and my mother ran inside screaming and yelling her name. They came and knelt down next to her and my mother held her in her arms while my father got up and looked to me.
The voices were out of control right now, there was so many things that they were saying, I was screaming for them to be quiet and before I knew it, I blacked out.
~
I woke up with my head stinging in pain in my head. The lights were stinging my eyes and I had to squeeze them shut so that I cold let them adjust.
“Your up,” I heard someone say. I turned and saw Zacky sitting in a chair beside the bed. I looked to him and gave a small smile.
“Yeah…where are we?” I asked him. He went to say something but I felt someone’s cold hand on my wrist and they were squeezing. I looked and saw that it was my baby brother. Tears streamed down his face, his blue eyes clouded in anger and frustration as he looked at me.
“You,” He growled.
“Me w-” Next thing I know, I am shoved off the bed but luckily Zacky had caught me. My brother stormed over to me and yelled at me, saying that I killed our sister.
“Hey calm down Alex, go,” Zacky stood in between us and pointed my little brother out of the room. He was protecting him from me. I could become a monster again. All the memories came back to me about me killing her. I killed her. I….no….
“I need to see her,” I said to Zacky, “Please,” I asked him. He turned to me when my baby brother left, my heart and head racing with thoughts that I didn’t even know existed. I saw everything, I saw the blood, what I did to her. I used a razor on her throat. The voices were praising me for what I have done. Telling me that I still wasn’t good enough. I had so much fear inside of me that I was shaking, I had so much worry inside of me that I cried.
I killed her.
My own bare hands, my own twin sister.
Dead.
By me.
I felt strong arms around me and Zacky holding me tightly against him. My head rested on his chest as I cried, clinging onto his clothes. His fingers ran through my hair as he kissed the top of my head. I didn’t want him to leave me, not ever. I was scared and didn’t know what I was going to do. I just felt dead myself. Knowing that I killed her made me sick to my stomach.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, “She’s dead,” I whispered again crying my eyes out. My sissy was dead. All she ever did was care for me! That’s all she ever did was care for me! She was trying to help! She was scared and worried, why couldn’t I see that?
“It’s not your fault baby,” He whispered to me. I knew that it wasn’t, that it was this stupid schizophrenia that did this to me. They tricked me into thinking those things. No one actually bullied me, no one never not tried to talk to me. If I was my normal self, none of this would of happened. If I was normal, this wouldn’t happen.
I didn’t want Zacky to let me go though. I didn’t want him to leave me. I didn’t want him to ever leave me. I felt safe and secure in his arms, I felt like there wasn’t nothing wrong with me. I felt loved.
“I want to see her,” I whispered to him. I pulled away and he kissed my forehead and grabbed his jacket from his chair and slipped it on over my shoulders. I slipped my arms through the sleeves and put my hood up as he walked beside me with his arm around my waist. It felt amazing to have his arm around my waist, everything about Zacky felt right. Every time I see him, my heart would do a crazy flip and every time he smiled, it melted. I didn’t know what was happening but what ever it was, I was loving it.
We walked down the hallway and we came to the nursing station and he asked where my sister was, that we were family. Hearing her name though made my heart break all over again. I tried so hard to hide the tears but I couldn’t. That was my sister and seeing her was going to make me regret everything I have ever done.
She told us what room to go into and Zacky thanked her and he did something I never would of thought he would do. He held onto my hand, intertwining our fingers together and we walked to her room. I squeezed his hand, scared as heck to see her.
We came to her room and I saw my mom and dad standing by the door crying over my sister. I saw Alex standing at the window looking out of it. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. I didn’t even want to go in there. I knew that if I did, there was going to be hell to pay. My mom…my mother was going to hate me for what I did. That was her first born baby girl.
“It’s going to be alright,” I heard Zacky whisper to me. I glanced over to him, praying that he was right and gave him a half nod and dropped his hand. My dad turned around to look at us but never even looked at me. He looked to Zacky and then grabbed my mother’s hand. She bent down and kissed the top of Sam’s head and left clinging onto my father as she cried.
“I’ll see you at home,” He whispered to me just before he left out of the hospital room. Alex painfully fallowed, bumping into me on purpose only to glare at me. When he left, Zacky shut the door and told me that he was going to be right here just incase I needed him. I nodded, pulling my jacket closer to me and walked to my sister who laid on the bed. Her hands were folded on top of her stomach, her eyes closed and her face paled. I saw the mark on her neck where I had cut her, looking down seeing marks all over her arms.
“Sissy…” I whispered. I felt my throat tighten as the tears fell freely onto her cold skin, “Sissy please wake up,” I whispered. My fingers lightly touching the marks on her arm. My sissy couldn’t be dead. She was faking it, she just wanted attention, to show me how stupid I was. She was going to open her beautiful eyes and look at me and smack me across the face, which I deserved.
I came and grabbed onto her hand, coming and putting my head onto her chest and cried.
“Sissy, please! You have to wake up!” I cried, “I need my twinny…please…” I whispered and held onto her hand tightly. My sissy wasn’t waking up, she wasn’t listening to me. My heart was gone, I was numb. Half of me wasn’t even there anymore. There was nothing left but sorrow inside of me. Why did I do this? Why did I kill my twinny? My sissy that I loved more then anything in the world. Why is she gone? Wasn’t she stronger then this? She had to be, my sissy was stronger then this, so, why did she leave me.
“I love you Sammy…I love you more then anything. I’m so sorry…sissy….don’t leave me,” I cried. That’s all I did was beg for my sissy to come back and for these voices to stop.
I hate this, I hate myself. Nothing was going right. I killed her. She’s dead. I am forever lost without her arms around me, without her telling me that everything was going to be alright. That she loved me with all of her heart. I wish she would of listened to me, I wished that I would of calmed down. I wish, I wish, I wish. And now, I got nothing but death and my sisters blood on my hands.
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