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“You want me to be your pretend girlfriend?” Brook asked me as she leaned against the locker next to mine with her arms crossed and her eyebrow risen. I grabbed my science textbook and my notebook and nodded.
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. I knew that this plan wasn’t going to work at all, I mean what if she actually started to have feelings for me? I have seen it happen before, given it was movies but still, it was just messed up! She sighed, removing herself from the locker as I shut mine having my sister come closer and closer to us.
“Come on Brook please!” I whispered loudly to her. I didn’t want Sam to hear, God knows what would happen. Brook rolled her eyes.
“Fine,” She muttered. I jumped with glee and quickly grabbed her hand before my sister could pass us.
“Hey sis,” I said lightly. She looked at me with a smile and saw Brook and smiled again.
“Whoa, I guess it is true, congrats twinny,” She smiled. She walked passed us again and when she turned down the hall, I let out a sigh of relief. I never even realize that Brook and I were still holding hands because to be honest, it actually felt quit nice. I never held hands with someone, unless of course it was with family when I was younger of something.
We split our separate ways, me going to the special classes because of the schizophrenia that I had. It was actually nice because we had, well not a lot of people in class, everyone was nice and calm and it wasn’t stressful for us. I wasn’t the only one, there was another girl who had it too but I wasn’t as bad as her but I helped her through her tough days.
Having Schizophrenia made you miss a lot of school days, well for someone normal. It was confusing for me. I didn’t have it as bad as the others. Yes I would have my episodes, I would hear the voices nearly everyday, have the urges to kill people including when I get angered to them, that’s when I have an episode. But having my family, they helped me a lot when I was growing up.
I remember sitting in the living room with my mom and dad, I was holding onto my dad tightly crying because there was monsters telling me to kill them. There was blood and these feelings inside of me that scared me. My mom would get up and she would scream at the monster and tell it to leave her son alone, which actually worked. I loved my mom and dad for what they had down for me.
I just hoped they would be there in the long run for me.
I came to class seeing Rose and gave her a smile.
“Hey Wes,” She said lightly.
“How’s day so far?” I asked her calmly. She looked at me and smiled. She had long blond hair and green eyes with her rosy cheeks, the name fitting her perfectly.
“Going good, but can you help me with my math?” She asked. I nodded, scooting my desk closer to her and helped her out the best as I could, my mind kept slipping off of to the guy I was meeting on Friday, which I was more then happy about.
At lunch me and my ‘girlfriend’ Brook went outside to eat, just because it was quiet and away from all of the noise. I liked being special here, I pretty much got to do whatever I want and only the people I choose could be with me which was only a couple.
“So…tell me again why were fake dating?” She asked me. I had my trey of food in my lap and noticed that she didn’t have one, again. I sighed looking down to my food. I didn’t want to eat now seeing my best friend without food.
“Because I am proving to Sam that I do actually have a girlfriend to hide the possible fact that I could be gay,” I told her not looking up. She seemed hurt and that hurt me knowing that I was hurting Brook. I didn’t want to but I was using her.
“Oh,” Was all she said as she leaned her back against the brick wall of the school and brought her knees up to her chest. I looked to my trey of food.
“Here,” I said giving it to her, “You can have it,” I said lightly. I set it down between us and she shook her head.
“I’m not hungry,” she mumbled. I sighed and stood.
“I’m sorry Brook I just-”
“Just go away, Wesley,” She whispered. I saw the tears in her eyes and my heart sank. I did this to her, I hurt my best friend. I did like her a little, I mean, she was my best friend and I would be more then willing to go out with her actually. I didn’t want to see her so sad, it hurt. I came and sat down beside her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug as she came and put her head on my shoulder. She was crying, her arms were wrapped around my torso and she was crying.
“Why are you crying sweetie?” I asked her. She pulled away and shook her head.
“It’s nothing,” She said. I sighed, I knew that it was something and I wasn’t going to stop asking until she told me. I can see it written all over her. I kept bugging and she was getting annoyed, and that’s when she told me.
“I was always a fake to someone,’ She began, “I never had a real boyfriend, they would use me for whatever and now you and its hurting a lot Wes,” She said with tears streaming down her face, “You’re my best friend…I don’t want to be just pretend you know?” She sniffled.
I felt my heart fall. I did this to her, I made her feel bad about herself. I knew that I needed to make things right with her right now. She was right, it does hurt to be used. Sure I haven’t ever been used but I can know how it felt like.
“I’ll tell you what Brook,” I said happily. I placed her thumb under her chin to have her look at me. I came and wiped her tears away and smiled at her, “Will you go on a date with me Brook?” I asked her. She looked at me wide eyed.
“You mean it?” She asked and I nodded, kissing her forehead.
“Of course, how about the movies and dinner at my place?” I asked. This huge and bright smile came on her face and to be honest, I never thought I would of seen anything more beautiful.
**
Coming home with a smile on my face was the most amazing thing I could ever ask for. I loved the feeling inside of me, being so happy and cheerful. And I was proud that I was going to make my dad proud of me, I was finally going to bring a girl home. My sister, was happy for me too. I loved seeing her so happy but then again, there was something inside of me, the voices coming back to me. I gritted my teeth and looked around to see if there was anyone in here, maybe they were talking to me.
Nope, no one.
I came to my room and shut it and locked it, something I do to tell people to leave me alone. I came and laid down on my bed and started to calm my breathing, feeling an attack coming on. I grabbed my pillow and hugged it tightly, muttering the words my mom always told me to say.
I tired so hard to stop them, to beat them out of the negative and in with the good but from all the lies I said, there was the positive things I couldn’t say and it was beating me. My eyes were closed, in the darkness I saw monsters. Them holding knives, there teeth dripping with venom, them talking to me, surrounding me. Telling me to kill, kill the ones I love.
“Shut up,” I muttered, tightening my pillow, my nails digging into it as my legs curled underneath me, “Go away,” I whispered. They didn’t though, all they did was laugh. They told me so many things that scared me, I was crying. My eyes shot open and I looked around my bedroom and I saw one, I saw a monster.
“Get out of here!” I screamed. I was throwing things to it only to have it laugh at me.
“Your so worthless,” It said to me, I saw it with a knife, he offered it to me, “Kill him, kill Alex,” He said, “He is nothing to you, he hates you your little shit,” He told me.
“Mommy!” I screamed, I felt myself breaking down, crying for my mom, looking down and seeing a trembling hand with a knife in it. I don’t know how I got it I don’t know what was happening.
“Go away!” I screamed, I threw the knife, missing the monster and hitting the wall right beside him. He was laughing at me, telling me so many lies to me. My heart was racing and I was hurting, I don’t know why but I was really in a lot of pain.
“Wes unlock the door!” I heard someone say.
“Stay away!” I screamed, the monster just laughing at me, laughing the at the door, him telling me to kill and kill over and over again.
“Wes!” I heard pounding and someone screaming. I was going numb, I didn’t know what to do right now. I wanted to scream again but all I could do was burry my face into the pillow and tremble. I felt something warm, I don’t know what it was but it was really warm and when I heard something fall I flinched and screamed for it to go away, I thought it was the monster finally getting what it wanted.
“Oh my God Wesley!” My mom came and wrapped me in her arms again and I was crying like a baby shaking. The monster was laughing at me, telling me how pathetic I was, how useless, that I was a liar, that I was gay and I knew it, how Brook hated me, my father hated me.
“He won’t shut up,” I whispered clenching onto my mom’s shirt. She clamed me down and when she pulled away, there was blood all over her. She calmly got up and brought me to my bathroom and asked my dad to come with us. When I have an attack like that, they were always so calm for me, it helped me calm down. The rest of the day would be quiet and filled with laughter, everyone would have to be happy and if they weren’t, they would go into their room and just hide out there.
“Mom, dad I need to tell you something,” I said as I took off my shirt and pants. I actually did have a knife, some how, and I cut my leg and my arm. I sat down on the edge of the tub while my dad knelt down beside me holding my pill that I forgot to take. When I forgot, it would do this and even if I do have it, it would do this.
“What is it?” My dad asked. I tried to smile but I was filled with fear. I looked down to my dad and he looked back up to me and I felt his love when he looked up at me. That’s what I loved about him. He always made me feel loved no matter what, but then again, I was scared to tell him the actual truth. But maybe if I was with Brook, it could change. Maybe lying to myself was the best thing for me.
“I…I have a girlfriend daddy,” I said trying to smile, yes even though I was seventeen, I still talked to my parents like this. But, who wouldn’t if you just had an episode like that? He smiled to me, coming and hugging me lightly and smiled to me.
“That is so great son,” He said, “I am so proud of you,” That just sank my heart down even deeper. I was lying to him, kind of. I mean, what if it didn’t work out with me and Brook but it just went well with another guy or something? Will he still be proud of me? It was scaring me to no end and I knew that they monsters weren’t going to stop. This was going to be a rough week for me.
“Can she come over tonight for dinner? We were going to go to the movies too,” I said lightly. My mom was finished patching me up and found the knife that I had. It was a pocket knife that my brother had left in my room, and he was in big trouble, I saw it in my mom’s eyes. I got my clothes back on and I heard my dad sigh.
“I am not sure if going out would be the best for you Wesley, not after just happened. Maybe you two can watch a movie here,” He told me, “Me and you can go and rent one if you’d like.” He suggested. It made me upset that I couldn’t go out to the movies out on my own. I could see his point but it made me think that I wasn’t going to be able to do anything anymore without my mom or dad having to hold my hand. I hated this stupid disease that I had and I am so sick of hurting myself and everyone around me.
“Why me dad? Why is me and mom so fricken different around everyone? Why can’t we just act normal and not have these crazy freaking thoughts!” I was gripping onto my head in anger. I was always like this, I was bi-polar too which helped nothing, at all.
“Wes you need to calm down man, it’s not you or your mother’s fault. I love you both more then anything. I would take a bullet for you both,” He said. The monster in my head was telling me that he was lying though, I couldn’t have him here, I needed to be alone.
“Dad just please go,” I said lightly. He nodded and apologized for my door which was now laying on the floor busted. Thanks dad.
He walked out of the room and I sat on my bed, looking down to the ground taking in deep breaths. This helped sometimes but what also helped was going down to the basement and playing music. So that’s what I did, I called Brook and told her to come over by 5:30 and she agreed, she sounded so happy over the phone and it made me happy too.
I went downstairs and went to the basement and shut the door and saw the drum kit that me and my parents had shared. They had taught me since I was old enough to walk. I practiced every day since then and I was better then my dad. I learned both of my parents styles and merged them into my own. I wrote some music, something they had taught me too.
I came behind the kit, smiling and grabbed the sticks, letting out my anger and frustration, finally letting the monster stop talking.