Pain, that is the only thing I felt. It was everywhere; it consumed every thought that ran through my mind. I felt the need to fall into a land of no pain, when the black drags me back under, that is the only time I ever feel peaceful anymore. It’s been two days since the concert. Two days since I saw Carson, two days since he saw me there coming out of a closet, two days since Shadows caught me disobeying two of his rules, two days since he promised me a world of pain, and a world of pain is what I got.

As soon as we got home, the abuse started. They all took turns, everyone except jimmy that is. Everyone got an equal amount of time, though Shadows got longer because I am truly his, I’ve been branded.

Zacky took me to his room and raped me for three hours straight. He grabbed my neck and choked me, slapped me across the cheek, ripping me from the inside out. Blood flowed down my legs and onto his white sheets, leaving behind stains of brilliant white. Each time a new spot of blood landed on this sheets, he beat me just a little more. After he was done with me, he sent me back to my room to wash up. I had strict orders to shower and rest up for an hour until it was Johnny’s turn.

This man terrified me the most. I had had very little contact before that day and I didn’t know what was in store for me. I walked on trembling legs behind him until we came to his room. He brought me inside and sat me down on his large king sized bed while he went about his business. He would stop occasionally to look back on me, his gaze penetrating mine. The longer he waited, the more terrified I got, I waited and waited, waited for him to pounce on him, waited for him to beat the living shit out of me, but it never came.

“You know you can lay down right?” He said finally after turning around and looking at me one last time.

“What?” I asked with trembling knees, tears streaming down my face. It seemed like at any moment of the day, I had tears running down my cheeks. I had a perpetual headache, I couldn’t breathe through my nose, and my eyes burned every time I blinked.

“I’m not going to touch you, I’ve got my own girls, I don’t need you for that. Go; sleep, rest up for Brian, you’ll need the rest.” He didn’t say another word to me the entire time. When I stared at him, utterly perplexed, he stood up from his desk, and gently pushed me down onto the bed, swinging my legs over and pulling the covers up to my chin, tucking me in. I didn’t waste another second, I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep, the only place that felt no pain.

When I was shaken awake, a few hours later, I felt a moment of bliss. I didn’t remember where I was or who I was, I didn’t feel anything, not even the white hot burning sensation coming from the area between my legs. Then, slowly but surely, it all came back to me, the thoughts brought even more tears to my eyes, making new tracks wear the dried ones ended. Johnny took me by the hand, and silently led me to the doorway that I worried about the most, the one that held all of Brian’s secrets. He knocked on the door, and promptly left, leaving me to wait until the monster opened it. He knew that I wouldn’t try to run, not after what I was going through right now, he knew that I wasn’t that stupid.

When Brian opened the door, a huge grin spread across his perfectly sculpted features, even though I loathed the man with every fibre of my being, I couldn’t deny that he was beautiful.

“Hey, Peanut, I’ve been waiting for you!” He shouted, grabbing me by the shoulders and pulling me in for a bone crushing hug that I suppose was supposed to be comforting, though it was anything but. He pulled me into the room and left me standing there, front and center, as he ran about, picking out a CD and putting it into the player, and choosing the song he wanted. As soon as he walked back to me, Skrillex started blasting from the speakers. He grabbed me by the hand and started twirling me around the room, pulling me into his arms and rocking us back and forth slowly. It was so weird, he was being so gentle, I didn’t think this man even had the ability to be gentle. I thought I had been in for the worst, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. He rested his cheek against the top of my head and whispered sweet nothings into my ear.

The song was odd to say the least, but no different from any other Skrillex song I had heard, though it all got really weird as the distinguishing feature of the song reared its ugly head, a woman screaming “Somebody call 911.” It sounded like she was getting murdered, and it frightened me. Suddenly, he let go of my and shoved me into the wall with a great amount of force, that was the only thing I could hear, that woman’s scream running though my ringing ears, her scream and the pounding beat masking my screams of pain. He walked over to me and kicked me in the stomach, over and over again, he kicked until I saw stars, until I was gasping for the breath that kept getting knocked out of me, he kicked until a mixture of bile and blood came out of my mouth and onto his flooring, and for that, I got punished even more for making a mess. He pulled me up by my hair, he punched my face and slapped me back and forth, and he hit me until I could no longer stand. When I was on the floor, he would walk over to me and purposely stomp on my fingers, grinding them down into the floor. When I tried to crawl away from him, he crawled on top of me, keeping my still. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a switch blade, it opened with a smooth click, the sound of cool metal against metal. My eyes widened in shock as I thought this was finally it, he was going to stab me, I was going to die, right here, in the man’s bedroom, not that I was exactly upset, I welcomed death, I wanted it to engulf me happily in its arms, where I could feel nothing more.

“You know, I think I’ve told you this before, but you really are prettiest when you’re scared for your life, but don’t worry, Peanut, I’m not going to kill you. If it did, I wouldn’t be able to see your beautiful eyes open in terror.” He smirked, beaming down at me. “Now, you’re really going to have to stay still for this,” he said, raising his eyebrows at me as he lifted up my shirt slightly. I couldn’t help the screams of absolute pain that ripped through me as he carved his initials into my hip. “Now you’re mine forever,” he said as he pressed his lips against mine.

When he was done with me, he picked my broken, bruised and bleeding body off of his floor, and led me out, to the staircase where Jimmy stood at the bottom, arms crossed and waiting for me, but Brian didn’t walk me down, he stood at the top, and refused to let go of my arm. I looked from him to Jimmy and back to Brian; they seemed to be having a silent conversation with each other, one that I was clearly not allowed to hear. Then, without a warning, Brian let go of my arm, and pushed me down, sending me tumbling all the way to the bottom, where Jimmy, was waiting to pick me up, and bring me to safety.

He picked me up bridal style and carried me across the house; his room was the furthest away from Shadows’ and Brian’s rooms. It seemed like he often didn’t agree with what Brian said and did, and they had to maintain a safe distance away from each other. He kicked open his door and laid me down on his bed, then left without another word. When he finally came back, hiss arms were loaded with a variety of things. He had polysporin for all of the cuts and carvings, ice for the bruises and bums, advil for the headache, and water to keep my hydrated. His eyes never met mine as he worked on me, and he never said a word to me. His eyes told me he was worried and filled with anger, his shaking told me that e was nervous and his quick breathing told me he could barely handle what was happening right now. The man was falling apart and I couldn’t tell why. When he had finished slathering on the polysporin, he took the bags of ice and put one on my hand, on my swollen ankle, beside my face, and on my shoulder. Then, he took the advil, shook two out of the bottle and handed them to me with the glass of water. He waited until I took them, then, when I swallowed it down; he stood up and fled from the room, locking the door behind him. The lock wasn’t so I couldn’t get out because he knew I couldn’t even if I wanted to, it was to keep everyone else out and to keep my hidden away and protected.

I laid on the bed silently for hours. I watched the clock on the wall tick away the seconds, each second held more pain than the last, when the pain became too much for me, my body pulled me away into the black depths, where no one would be able to reach me for days.

When I finally came to, I couldn’t even open my eyes, for they were far too heavy and they required far too much energy. I couldn’t move any part of my body, it was like I was paralyzed, though I knew that it was only my muscles that couldn’t work because I had been in the same position for far too long. Even though I couldn’t move, I could hear everything around me. I heard the drips of a nearby faucet, the rumble of air conditioning, the ticking of a clock, and the mumbled conversation nearby that I had to strain to hear.

“Is she dead?” one voice asked.

“No, she can’t be, she fucking breathing, idiot,” another angry voice muttered.

“It’s been a fucking week, man! And she hasn’t fucking woken up yet, what the fuck is wrong with her?” shouted the first voice.

“I don’t know, let’s take her to the hospital then,” the second voice mumbled.

“No, no fucking hospitals, it’s too risky,” said the first one again, this time much calmer.

Before I could hear anything else, I drifted off into no man’s land again.

This time, when I woke up, I could open my eyes, but they had to adjust to the sudden brightness. I looked around the room and saw that I was still in Jimmy’s room. Nothing had changed, nothing had been moved, not even me. I was still in the same position he had left me in, the only thing different was that there was a head lying down against the mattress. A head with shaved hair that I recognized as Shadows’ and his calm and even breathing told me that he was asleep.

I slowly got out of bed, resting my feet against the floor until I knew that I had the strength to stand up. I got up, on shaky legs, and stumbled my way over to the bathroom. I weakly opened and shut the door, not bothering with the lock. When I was done going to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror.

My hair was one mass knot on my head; it was greasy and dirty, as if I hadn’t showered for days. There was an array of yellows and greens circling my left eye, there was still the large scratch on my face, but that had almost disappeared by now. I lifted up and saw that Brian’s initials had almost healed, though they would be on my body forever now. All of the cuts on my arms had healed and they were gone without a trace, I had always been a quick healer. There were still some other bruises on my body; though very few of them were of any concern. Every time I moved or stretched the wrong way, my body would groan in pain, my ribs ached in a way that made me want to stay still for the rest of my life, I knew that some of them were broken.

When I walked back out of the bathroom, Shadows was up, and pacing around the room.
“Where were you?” He barked at me, making me flinch, tears pinching the corners of my eyes.

“I had to pee.” I was able to get out one sentence, but nothing more. My voice was gravelly and sore, I sounded as if I had been smoking for the last 40 years of my life. He gently led me back to the bed and lied me down, tucking me back in, though that was the last thing I wanted right now. He took my uninjured hand in both of his and kissed it softly. A tear slowly leaked from his eye and ran down his face.

“You scared me so badly; I thought I had lost you forever. You slept for 8 days; no one could get through to you. I thought you would die here. I’m so sorry, I promise, this will never happen again, I can’t go through the possibility of you dying again. Things are going to change around here. No one is going to touch you ever again, you’re safe now.” I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say, he had told me before that this would never happen again, but then it did. I didn’t know if I should believe him, but what choice did I have?